johnd0e Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Hey folks, I need some advice. Be warned that what follows might sound super weird or dumb to most of you, so please bear with me. I come from an extremely conservative Indian family living in the US. I’m 21, male, in my last year of college and I live with my parents. [Here’s the final question in case this runs too long: Would the average, single, college girl be willing to overlook dating a guy who comes from a very strict family and who has to follow insanely strict rules like curfews and etc.?] How conservative? So much so that I think it's unfair to other Indians to even characterize this as “conservative Indian”. More like an irrationally strict and socially isolated family that you might see on an episode of Criminal Minds. Forget dating, I’m not even allowed to hang out with friends. Since I was a child I’ve only been allowed to go to school, stay late for some extracurriculars, and go out for sports or gym. Outside of those activities, I was not allowed to socialize with others. So I spent most of my time by myself at home. To be fair, my parents followed a very similar routine as well. In their minds, our immediate family is all that’s necessary and socializing with others is unnecessary. I do love them, and they love me more than anything else. (Starting to sound creepy?) It used to piss me off a lot. But when I started college, I started lying to get around these rules. I would stay a little late after classes just to hang out with friends, and then lie that I stayed late to study at the library or for some extracurricular. Even then, I can’t convince them to come home any later than 11pm, and obviously I can’t use these excuses everyday. I am somewhat socially awkward. I have friends, I’m a friendly and likable person, but I have trouble speaking to new people and it takes me a while to get out of my shell. I’ve never dated. And I HATE the person I am. I’ve always done everything my parents have asked. I’m in a top college, competitive program, with excellent grades, and I’ve never let them down. I live two very different lives. I behave one way at school, and another way at home. I don’t even know which one is the real me. But the one thing I’ve tried really hard my whole life is keep those two versions separate. I’ve never told my friends about my parents and their rules because I don’t want to sound like a freak (which I’m sure some of you are starting to think by now.) And for that same reason, I’ve also purposely “pushed” away some girls who had expressed an interest in me, even though I may have liked to pursue it. I always make some excuses when I receive invitations so that I could limit my interactions to weekdays and at school or places nearby. On the other hand, I have obviously not told my parents anything either. Here’s the thing: I’m not an idiot. A coward maybe, but not an idiot. I know this is not a viable solution in the long run. It never was a solution. I promised myself that I’ll move out within a maximum of 2 years after finishing college and then live life they way I want to. I don’t know if I’ll go ahead with it, and I don’t what will happen to my parents if I do -- they’re very old and are counting on me to look after them after college -- but let’s just give the benefit of the doubt to my future self. So back to my main question. Like I said, I have some good friends, but I’m very lonely. I want to be able to talk to someone. Someone to share my time with and be honest with. Recently this is all I can think of. I want to be in a healthy relationship for once. I want just one person that I can remove my metaphorical mask in front of. I want to see what dating is like. And no, sex is not the main reason. (I’m not a virgin -- I’ve able been to pull off one “night” stands a couple times.) I always told myself that I’ll wait until I move out to start dating. But is it possible, even the tiniest bit, that if I asked out a girl, and she says yes, and after a couple dates when I tell her about my situation, she might not just leave or make fun of me? She might understand and stick around to see where our relationship heads? Trust me, this sounds like a crazy proposition. But hey, by now you must know that I’m probably not the best emotionally and socially equipped person to determine such things. So what do you think? P.S. Feel free to touch the other points I mentioned above but I only wrote them to provide some context. Also, are you sure you want to go down that bunny hole? If you read all of this, thank you. I would appreciate any and all comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Yes you do have a chance at dating. Most American women will be turned off right away because of your race. That just means they wouldn't be any good for you so to heck with them. Even worse is some women will be and already have been into you because of your race. Beware of them as to them you are just an object. You have a chance. Every Indian American and Arab American friend I had in college has been married (and some divorced). So there is much hope for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Honestly, I'm not hopeful about your chances, not because of your race, but because of your living and parental situation. Especially when you mention your parents will rarely 'allow' you to hang out after class and you have to keep making up lies to go out. How will you go out on dates, will it all have to be a secret? I did have several Asian friends who kept their Rs secret from their ultra-conservative parents, but they all lived away from home so even if the ethics of it is disputable, at least it's physically possible. If you are living at home... I can't even imagine. You can only go out on weekdays if you can come up with a satisfactory lie as to what you're doing after class. You can't go out on weekends at all. Your parents can't catch a whiff of your R so could you even call her from home? She would likely tire of the secrecy and having to sneak around and deal with all this, long before 2 years are up (and that's even assuming you manage to move out then, you mentioned you might stay...). There are people who live at home and date, but those people typically don't have to work around so many constraints. IMO you have two options if you want an adult's life - either you have to move out or you start standing up for yourself and maintaining boundaries. If you are financially dependent on your parents then I can understand how both of the above are not doable, and in that case I think you should focus 100% on school and maybe a job to save up money so you can be independent and move out ASAP. Edited November 2, 2015 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 You cannot date right now because you are under the rule of your parents and need to lie and act like a teenager to have a life. While it is lamentable that your parents are strict, you should have been fighting against them tooth and nail to gain more and more freedoms throughout your life and then should be out on your own for college. You intend to stay home til 24+, so you will be socially stunted compared to your peers and will be missing out on the greatest opportunity to socialize and have fun that you will ever have in your life. This is your choice, as are the others. One day you will be able to date, but it won't be for a long time. If you want to have a life, then you must make some life changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 As a 38 year old man, I'm as far away from your dating demographic as you get... but ask yourself this. Why would anyone want to date an adult who believes that they have no control over their own lives and lets mommy and daddy make their decisions for them? What is attractive about that for either sex, at any age? This is why people rebel as teenagers, so that they can get some of their own freedom, like you said, you are a bit of a coward (no offense) and you have managed to make it all the way through college without even trying to stand up to your parents. What is going to happen when you move out and you face other challenges in your life? Are you going to stand up to those? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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