EricaH329 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Normally I wouldn't post such a sensitive and private matter online, but since i've recently moved to the area I don't have much support here. So here goes.... Earlier today my mother attempted to commit suicide. I called 911 and went to the hospital after her (after I calmed down enough to drive). She is admitted for about 5 days. Honestly, I don't even remember the drive there. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't focus. I still am in shock - which is why i'm posting this here. It was so incredibly devastating for me, and i'm sure for her as well, that I don't know how i'm going to deal with this. I feel like this is so traumatic that I don't know where to go from here. I know I need to seek counseling for this, but I think right now what I need most is support. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 First of all, I am so sorry this has happened. Just want to reach out thru cyberspace and give you a great big hug. I can only tell you what I know about suicide attempts - that the people who do this are in a great deal of mental pain and anguish and see no end to it, they've lost all hope and are just looking for a way to end the pain. The urge is so overwhelming they've lost their connection to reality. It is a lie and a delusion they're under - THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. There's a better way to deep-six that pain. I also know it takes trained professionals (and certainly not anonymous Internet posters like me!) to help the person "step back from that ledge" and get back to a calm place. The hospital should have resources to help you and your family through this, and beyond. Just having loved ones show up has got to be a ray of hope for her. I think you should just do what you're doing now - be there, be her daughter like you've always been. You're not alone, and you're not the only one this has happened to. I hope and pray that the hospital - or someone around you - opens up the door where you and your Mom can get to a better place. I know there's a way. I hope you find it - rapidly! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Hugs, Erica. Do take care of yourself, keeping you and your mum in my thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 hugs to you, kiddo. definitely talk with someone about this – you'll get good tools to work through what you're experiencing, and maybe you'll also pick up some tips on how to approach your mom in a way that neither of you feel bad or threatened or worse. one thing I have found about this place is that a good percentage of the folks here are wonderfully supportive – LS was definitely my wellspring of support after my mom passed away, because it provided a sense of normalcy when I needed it the most, and people were genuinely empathetic to what was going on in my life. Their humor was just icing on the cake. I hope we can give you that too, so don't hesitate to ask. keeping you in my prayers, and your mama, too! q 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I'm so sorry. You should call a suicide hotline (don't expect them to answer right away. They may call you back because they're volunteers and shorthanded) and then ask them for a referral for counseling on this. Alternatively, just get busy on google and find something there. It really would benefit both you and your mother if you had counseling so you understand it all and know how best to handle things in the future. The silver lining is that maybe now that your mother has made the attempt, steps will be taken to at least try and help her properly. Please support any medical decisions and encourage your mother to take her meds and attend therapy. Again, so sorry you are having to deal with this. It's hard when we end up having to sort of BE the parent, isn't it. Remember to take care of yourself. You can't help someone else unless you take care of yourself, and that includes counseling. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 First of all, I am so sorry this has happened. Just want to reach out thru cyberspace and give you a great big hug. I can only tell you what I know about suicide attempts - that the people who do this are in a great deal of mental pain and anguish and see no end to it, they've lost all hope and are just looking for a way to end the pain. The urge is so overwhelming they've lost their connection to reality. It is a lie and a delusion they're under - THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. There's a better way to deep-six that pain. I also know it takes trained professionals (and certainly not anonymous Internet posters like me!) to help the person "step back from that ledge" and get back to a calm place. The hospital should have resources to help you and your family through this, and beyond. Just having loved ones show up has got to be a ray of hope for her. I think you should just do what you're doing now - be there, be her daughter like you've always been. You're not alone, and you're not the only one this has happened to. I hope and pray that the hospital - or someone around you - opens up the door where you and your Mom can get to a better place. I know there's a way. I hope you find it - rapidly! First i'd like to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to my post!! According to her, this is the second time she's been admitted for this reason. I've always known about her deep depression, but it's the first time i've witnessed it first-hand. I know it'll take tons of therapy for me to get the image of what I saw out of my head. The main issue now is that she doesn't have any other family members to help support her. Which is because of the fact that she places the blame on everyone else. Her depression is caused by 'the people closest to her', which includes me. The main reason why I moved half a country away to be with her, is because she's been dealing with too much. And I thought moving in with her would help relieve some of the stress she's been going through. Oh, how I was ever-so-wrong. While I was in the ER with her, she continued to put the blame on ME for her trying to commit suicide. I honestly didn't want to admit that here, but right now I feel like it's best for me to get it all out. I truly appreciate your support. More than you could possibly know. Thank you!! Hugs, Erica. Do take care of yourself, keeping you and your mum in my thoughts. Thank you SO much!!! I VERY much appreciate it!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 While I was in the ER with her, she continued to put the blame on ME for her trying to commit suicide. Wow - something is really eating her alive on the inside, and she's lashing out at you. It's not true. Don't absorb that, or wear it, or whatever you want to call it. It's not your fault. Your mom needs help - again, from trained professionals. Are the doctors or nurses seeing what's going on? I hope they reach out to you first, so you don't even have to ask. They should be offering some type of resources at some point. If they don't, there's plenty of places that do. Google "suicide prevention" - the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) looks like a good place to start. They have a big link on the home page, "Find Your Local Chapter." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Really sorry to hear about this, your Mother must have been in an awful lot of pain to have done what she did. You mention that you will need a lot of therapy to forget what you saw... am I right in thinking that you found her? I can't imagine how hard it must have been to hear her say that it's your fault she tried to end her life, but I cannot tell you how much I hope you realise that cannot be true. It couldn't be true no matter who you are, no matter what you've done (if anything... I'm sure nothing, my point is that nobody can cause another person to try and end their life... it's an individual decision). From working with a lot of suicidal people I know one thing, that often the suicidal person doesn't actually want to be dead... rather, for the vast majority of people, it's just that being alive is too painful to continue with. If the alternative is death, which for most people is nothingness, it's very tempting if it means ending the pain that they're in. If you were on fire, and next to a shark tank, you'd jump in the tank. Here in my country we have an organisation called the Samaritans, they're UK based but have an e-mail support and can provide support in that way to people all over the world, you can find the e-mail address with a quick google and get free, anonymous, confidential emotional support. Although they are there for suicidal people, they're also there for anyone in any kind of distress. So if you need some support for YOU right now, while you're trying to support your Mom, get in touch and they'd be happy to give you some support. I'm sorry once again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Normally I wouldn't post such a sensitive and private matter online, but since i've recently moved to the area I don't have much support here. So here goes.... Earlier today my mother attempted to commit suicide. I called 911 and went to the hospital after her (after I calmed down enough to drive). She is admitted for about 5 days. Honestly, I don't even remember the drive there. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't focus. I still am in shock - which is why i'm posting this here. It was so incredibly devastating for me, and i'm sure for her as well, that I don't know how i'm going to deal with this. I feel like this is so traumatic that I don't know where to go from here. I know I need to seek counseling for this, but I think right now what I need most is support. You should try to see if they have counseling right there at the hospital, usually they ask when a family member is involved with something like this.. at least in Canada. Anyway, the important thing is that she's still alive. Just work from the positive of that perspective and try to figure out how to make things better, whether it's depression or something else that ails her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I hope that you're holding up okay today, Erica. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 quankanne Thank you for the prayers!! And also for the support! LS is a wonderful forum that has definitely given me what i've needed during times of need. This is just another thing added onto that list. Thank you again! preraph I definitely agree about my mother and I seeking counseling. I think we should go together (as well as apart) in order to figure out our issues with eachother. It's always very difficult to tell someone how they are affecting your life when it's in such a negative way. But hopefully, after all is said and done, things will be better than ever. Thank you for the support! acrosstheuniverse I didn't really 'find' her; I saw the situation she was in when the paramedics came. I know it's not my fault. She clearly has problems that go above and beyond what any one person is capable of doing to her. She's had depression ever since I can remember. She recently opened up to me about cutting herself, and showed me the fairly recent cuts. I knew it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. I just hope and pray that she gets the help she needs while in the hospital. GunslingerRoland I didn't stay in the hospital with her for long, only about an hour or so. I couldn't handle the way she was treating me. I know that sounds selfish, but she was seriously putting me down the entire time, on top of the fact that I was already crying and clearly distressed because of what just happened. GorillaTheater Thank you very much! I've been keeping busy all day. Really trying to keep my mind off of it. It's worked, for the most part. One day at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Erica I am so sad to read this. Such a horrible shock for you. Please don't feel selfish for not staying long, you have to look after you too. I agree with the idea of some joint counselling as well as I think you really need to let those looking after her how things are between you and between your Mum and her family. Is there any way at all any of your other family members could help? I know your Mum has fallen out with them but maybe they might see that at this point if nothing else that you need some support. I can't offer much else but you have my (((hugs))) and thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Erica, I'm so sorry you're both going through this. But please understand NONE of this is your fault. It's HER responsibility to get help for her issues. And honestly, you were right - moving away removes one person on whom she can hang her own responsibilities, so you did the right thing by moving away. Can such a person ever see that? Probably not. But let the professionals work with her on that, ok? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 So sorry to hear this news Erica. I wish you all the best. (Cuddle) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you guys SO much from the bottom of my heart for your continued support! It means SO much to me!! Gemma - I'm the only family member (or even friend) she has left that will try and help her. Everyone else turns their cheek when something happens like this with my mother. They are tired of being around someone who has become so mentally unstable, and difficult. Since I can't control what others do, I can only make sure that i'm doing my best to 'help' in whatever way I can. As a small update: My mother called me today from the hospital. She got transferred to a different facility and asked me to bring her some clothes, which i'm getting ready to do. It's about an hour and a half away. She was pretty upset when she called (crying a lot) saying that she doesn't want to be there anymore, that they are treating her 'badly' by not giving her her medicine when she wants it (essentially). I explained that they may have a different way of treating her, and that we should put our trust in the doctors there. Anyway, I was thinking about picking up something small for her. I wasn't sure whether flowers would be appropriate, or maybe a little teddy bear? She doesn't have anything at home that she sleeps with or brings her comfort, so I can't bring something from home. Any suggestions before I head out? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Teddy Bear - but be warned she may throw it at you (I'm sure you know this) - but one with no plastic/glass eyes as the team there wouldn't allow her to have it I wouldn't think - in fact - maybe check with those looking after her. Sorry, that was blunt - but you're clearly pretty much on your way. Can other family members be there to help just you? Don't assume they won't. Sometimes we all need to ask for help and I would love for you to even just have a shoulder to cry or rant on right now Erica. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Teddy Bear - but be warned she may throw it at you (I'm sure you know this) - but one with no plastic/glass eyes as the team there wouldn't allow her to have it I wouldn't think - in fact - maybe check with those looking after her. Sorry, that was blunt - but you're clearly pretty much on your way. Can other family members be there to help just you? Don't assume they won't. Sometimes we all need to ask for help and I would love for you to even just have a shoulder to cry or rant on right now Erica. Thank you! I might just get her a tiny teddy bear, the ones that could fit in your hand. Those don't have any plastic on them. I have reached out to my brother (who is in Grad school, and working as an intern), and my aunt (my moms sister) who is also too busy to help. We live a good 2 - 3 hours away from both of them, so I can't really expect them to stop what they are doing mid-week to come help me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 ...but you can at least talk to them and share experiences. The folks here will support all they can but you need some RL support too even if it's only at the end of a phone but to someone who ou don't have to explain it all from scratch to. I know this is all only really new for you but also please make sure to look after you. Don't exhaust yourself. This can mean not jumping when your Mum says something is urgently needed. I was a carer for both of my parents for most of my life up until I was 34. You have to still set boundaries and sometimes you also have to set them with hospital staff too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 And consider joining a church, even if you're not particularly religious. A great place for support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 Ok, I thought i'd give you guys an update. When I went to visit my mom on Tuesday, things went surprisingly well. She apologized for putting me through what she did, and told me she never wants to put me through that again. We talked for 2 hours, and none of it was arguing! She agreed with a lot of what I had to say about her getting the help she needs. On Wednesday they discharged her and I went to pick her up. On the way home she started crying, and when I asked her why she was crying she said because the world is such a beautiful place that she was thankful she was alive to see it. Things between her and I have been good so far, and she seems to be better than she was. I know things won't be like this forever, but she's taking the necessary steps towards getting better (she has set a therapy appointment). To help relieve some of her stress, i've essentially become her caretaker. I'm doing all of the housework, and i've been taking care of her dogs. I don't mind doing those things, because it keeps me busy and I know it helps her. Again, and I can't say this enough, i'm truly appreciative of all of your support! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 What boundaries have you come up with to protect yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 you are a beautiful child, Erica, for doing all that you do for your mom. I hope you know that. at the same time, as turnera suggests, be sure to establish boundaries to protect yourself. Not because you don't love her, but because you understand that you are vulnerable when you give too much of yourself without making sure you leave a good bit for you, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 What boundaries have you come up with to protect yourself? you are a beautiful child, Erica, for doing all that you do for your mom. I hope you know that. at the same time, as turnera suggests, be sure to establish boundaries to protect yourself. Not because you don't love her, but because you understand that you are vulnerable when you give too much of yourself without making sure you leave a good bit for you, too. Thank you so much! I've decided to set a schedule. Monday - Friday I do the things she needs me to do. If it gets too much for me, we've both agreed that she would understand if I communicated that to her. Saturday and Sunday are days I take for myself. Things have been going great since she's been back from the hospital. We've been communicating more, and doing extra work for her has actually kept me busy enough to take my mind off of things (while at the same time feeling a sense of accomplishment). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 It is very kind to care for your mom like that. good thoughts to you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Hi Erica, This is the first time I noticed this thread, and I know that I want to say something, but I don't really know what to say. I don't know how one can do a grand job of caretaking while at the same time properly insulating herself from any accusation of being somehow at fault for the suicide attempt of someone else. There is no chance that it is your fault, particularly when it is no secret (among you) that your mom has felt depression for years. Depression is such a big challenge, and sometimes you can only spend the rest of your life second-guessing. I don't have any direct experience with depression in my circles, but I am led to believe that the challenge is greater than a mere mortal, and it is probably best addressed by professionals. And I suspect that, given all that is at stake, to err on the side of caution is a wise move. Anyway, just know that people are thinking about you, and hoping that life will brighten for you around the next corner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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