What does it mean?

[betterfly]

Hi,

 

I've posted here a few times already.. but to describe my break-up in a few sentences: we met, everything was perfect, except for his jealousy issues. He then worked on himself and dealt with that. That is when I started to get really jealous and paranoid (a part of it was for a reason, just maybe not worthy of destroying the relationship). In any case, after fighting for months (we were together for a year), he left, saying that he can't deal with feeling so hurt all the time anymore and that he didn't feel appreciated.

 

I went NC for 10 days, then messaged him to ask when I can pick up my stuff (a few boxes that he still needs to pack). He suggested that we meet up and catch up and arrange it all then. I said yes, we picked a day, but then I cancelled (had to work).

 

I then suggested another day (was supposed to be today), but he just messaged me saying that he's been busy and haven't packed my things yet. He also mentioned being exhausted and vulnerable, which is why he wants to meet up later in a week.

 

Could somebody explain to me if it means he doesn't want to see me, or does it mean he still has feelings, that's why he doesn't feel ready to see me yet?

 

I just don't know what to do in this situation… I know he left me, so I am not trying to convince/pursue him, but is it possible that he was hoping that I would try and change, get him back? And now he's hurt even more because he thinks I gave up so easily…

 

Also, don't wanna read into it, but can't help wondering if his postponing us exchanging our stuff is a sign?

[bathtub-row]

I'm sure he feels sad about the demise of your relationship, the same as you. I would advise you to be very careful about getting involved with him again as I seems the two of you had some serious issues. Don't kid yourself into thinking that these problems will easily go away, if ever. This is exactly how people end up in bad marriages. They don't want to go through the pain of ending something that needs to end.

[loveiswar101]

I feel I have good insight here. He sounds just like me (or how I was).

 

Start with don't read to much into anything at the moment and just process the easy stuff, you two aren't together now is a good start. I recommend you have plenty of space and no contact for a while just so things can calm down. Do you really need you stuff? Get a friend to get it !

 

You have done what I have done and chased him away (i pestered my ex). You cancelling getting together and this kinda iced the cake with him probably thinking you don't care and with that has panicked and has backed into a corner and now not sure what you want and most definitely blurred his vision of what he wants. This is why you need time apart.

 

This is only advise, but Id go with this.

 

Leave him be, have time apart no contact. While apart both of you will calm down and hopefully can see if you want the relationship to work or not. If he contacts you maybe suggest catching up after xmas (be firm with this), not now why things are raw. This will give you both time to process what is happening and what you both want.

 

If you need your stuff, send a polite text giving him a date (2 weeks) and get a friend to pick it up. If it's not urgent don't panic.

 

But don't harass him but then don't let him tug you a long. If he contacts just push a little time apart will help us both and then stick with after Xmas.

 

Looking at it you two have alot of issues and good honest communication is what you two need to learn and understand

 

Hope helps..just my opinion remember.

[betterfly]

You cancelling getting together and this kinda iced the cake with him probably thinking you don't care and with that has panicked and has backed into a corner and now not sure what you want and most definitely blurred his vision of what he wants. This is why you need time apart.

 

Hi! Thank you so much for your insight on this! I have a couple questions..

 

1) Do you think me cancelling the meeting played on his insecurities and made him doubt my orginal feeling even more? I think that might be the case, but I am also glad that we didn't see each other that day, because we clearly need(ed) more time..

 

2) I've got a little update. I messaged him suggesting that my friend could come pick up my things (I do need them, and there is a lot), if for some reason that would make him more comfortable. He said that he wasn't ready to see me yesterday, but that he would really like to see me and talk in person sometime next week, if that's ok with me. I said yes. Then we chatted for a bit, it was all positive. Then he messaged me again and asked when I'm free during the week. We have now agreed to text and see when we both have time.

 

3) I'm now starting to have doubts. I know that ideally I should be all moved on when I see him, but I don't think I'm there yet. As you said, it's still raw. On the other hand, I don't want to show indifference, because if there os some doubt in him now, he will just assume that I don't care and will try to find someone who does. Now, that's just speculations on my part, but I want to be open to anything. I think he needs time and space to recover now, and so do I. I juat don't want to send him the wrong message. My main priority right now, however, is my own well-being.

 

Thank you again!

[loveiswar101]

Hi, im only going on my experience and what I've read on here over the years. So here goes.

 

1. In a way yes. You say he's very insecure (I am myself) and what that means is when things don't go your way you become tunneled vision. If my ex didn't want to catch up I'd think all sort of things. Doesn't love me, doesn't care etc. But no one knows what anybody is thinking really. Not really much you can do here. Let this fly. You had a honest reason to why not catching up (work) and that's all that matters. Don't over analyze this.

 

2. Hate to say it but this is a really bad move. Everything is so raw at the moment, obviously if you still want to be with him your worried if your not in contact, touching or messaging your lose him and maybe the same for him. But what you both are really doing by contact messaging etc is smothering each other putting a band-aid on everything. When you meet up early after a break up I find that both parties become gushy so to speak. Smile, say sorry and maybe talk about getting back together and if do start seeing each other again everything is fine because neither wants to upset the other, but it's not long that your both back in same rut with same issues and boom, part ways again. When really time apart relaxes both parties and helps clear the air and when do meet up say after say 4-6 weeks your both have a clear mind and thoughts on what you want.

 

3. You can not worry or try to imagine what he's thinking, you need to look after you. You're not there as you put it as your unsure of what lies a head, following that the indifference you think you may cause him is not your problem. If you are honest and he takes anything the wrong way you are not to blame yourself. If he really likes you and wants it to work he's not going to look for another girl. But obviously there's the flip coin to that.

 

If you believe you and him both need space then that is the path you need to take. Set a date to catch up and stick to it. This will give you both time to think.

 

If you want it to work. Drop him a text saying something like... catching up next week is not a great idea as not enough time has passed for us to heal on what has happened. But I honestly would love us to work this out, so why don't we catch up for in month or so with clearer heads and can talk on how we can move on together.

 

Something like that.

 

See what he comes back with. Go from there. A month apart is not long at all in all of this.

 

End of day the heart wants what the heart wants but both your hearts need to want the same.

 

Just my thoughts !

Edited November 3, 2015 by loveiswar101