(M21) Never been in relationship, frustrated

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

Hello there everybody. I'm a straight, 21 year-old man who (like the title says) has never had a girlfriend or, in fact, any sexual or romantic experience whatsoever. I don't actually care about being a virgin, it really doesn't bother me much at all. What bothers me is the intimacy and companionship I feel like I'm missing out on as a result of never having been in a relationship.

 

There are a number of reasons I can pinpoint as to why this is the case. The first is mood-related. Starting in high school I experienced a dysthymia that, while mild, still made me reluctant to pursue any kind of romance. My thought was that I just wouldn't have the energy to sustain the kind of relationship I was looking for (casual sex has never had any interest for me). My parents thought that this mild depression was just a result of general adolescent moodiness and that it would pass eventually. Unfortunately it just got gradually worse until in my second year of university I had become so profoundly depressed I had to withdraw and start taking medication. Happily these pills were remarkably effective, and I'm virtually unrecognizable now compared to when I was most ill (I'm also back at school and doing quite well academically). The point is that being depressed completely kills your drive to have any kind of romantic attachment, and that is one thing that has held me back in that regard. Like I said though, that's over now and as far as I know I don't project an aura of sadness or desperation.

 

The second reason I've been unable to find any kind of romantic companionship is that I seem to very rarely develop any kind of romantic attraction to someone. It has happened, so I know I'm not asexual or something like that, but it doesn't happen very often. Now that the above problem is no longer a factor, this is the biggest reason why I can't seem to find a girlfriend. Part of the reason for this may be my current environment; as a white guy who's primarily attracted to white women, it is unfortunate for me that only 40% of students at my (notoriously unsociable) university are also white (I'm not a racist btw, there are exceptions to this rule, they're just not common). And for all the talk of university being the best place to meet people, most students see to simply commute to class and then go home at the end of the day without talking to anyone. I have become involved in some student clubs, but it's just not enough. All the interesting girls seem to be taken.

 

I should mention that actually attracting women doesn't seem to be much of a problem; I'm frequently reminded how good-looking I apparently am, and I do get approached by a modest number of women (I never really reciprocate their feelings, unfortunately). The main problem is just meeting women in the first place, and that's what I need advice about. I've tried online dating, which has always turned out to be a huge waste of time and has made me doubt my appeal. What would people suggest I do? I feel like the only course of action is for me to just keep living my life until I happen to meet someone nice, which seems frustratingly passive to me.

 

I really appreciate anybody who takes the time to read this, this is something I've needed to rant about for a while. If I've left out anything you think may be important (which I'm sure I probably have) feel free to ask. Thanks again.

[CosmicGate7]

and I do get approached by a modest number of women (I never really reciprocate their feelings, unfortunately).

 

 

why? this part makes no sense whatsoever

 

 

I would love be approached by women, assuming they're decent looking

[ZA Dater]

Hello there everybody. I'm a straight, 21 year-old man who (like the title says) has never had a girlfriend or, in fact, any sexual or romantic experience whatsoever. I don't actually care about being a virgin, it really doesn't bother me much at all. What bothers me is the intimacy and companionship I feel like I'm missing out on as a result of never having been in a relationship.

 

There are a number of reasons I can pinpoint as to why this is the case. The first is mood-related. Starting in high school I experienced a dysthymia that, while mild, still made me reluctant to pursue any kind of romance. My thought was that I just wouldn't have the energy to sustain the kind of relationship I was looking for (casual sex has never had any interest for me). My parents thought that this mild depression was just a result of general adolescent moodiness and that it would pass eventually. Unfortunately it just got gradually worse until in my second year of university I had become so profoundly depressed I had to withdraw and start taking medication. Happily these pills were remarkably effective, and I'm virtually unrecognizable now compared to when I was most ill (I'm also back at school and doing quite well academically). The point is that being depressed completely kills your drive to have any kind of romantic attachment, and that is one thing that has held me back in that regard. Like I said though, that's over now and as far as I know I don't project an aura of sadness or desperation.

 

The second reason I've been unable to find any kind of romantic companionship is that I seem to very rarely develop any kind of romantic attraction to someone. It has happened, so I know I'm not asexual or something like that, but it doesn't happen very often. Now that the above problem is no longer a factor, this is the biggest reason why I can't seem to find a girlfriend. Part of the reason for this may be my current environment; as a white guy who's primarily attracted to white women, it is unfortunate for me that only 40% of students at my (notoriously unsociable) university are also white (I'm not a racist btw, there are exceptions to this rule, they're just not common). And for all the talk of university being the best place to meet people, most students see to simply commute to class and then go home at the end of the day without talking to anyone. I have become involved in some student clubs, but it's just not enough. All the interesting girls seem to be taken.

 

I should mention that actually attracting women doesn't seem to be much of a problem; I'm frequently reminded how good-looking I apparently am, and I do get approached by a modest number of women (I never really reciprocate their feelings, unfortunately). The main problem is just meeting women in the first place, and that's what I need advice about. I've tried online dating, which has always turned out to be a huge waste of time and has made me doubt my appeal. What would people suggest I do? I feel like the only course of action is for me to just keep living my life until I happen to meet someone nice, which seems frustratingly passive to me.

 

I really appreciate anybody who takes the time to read this, this is something I've needed to rant about for a while. If I've left out anything you think may be important (which I'm sure I probably have) feel free to ask. Thanks again.

 

I can relate to the bold part very well, I am 31 and am basically in the same boat as you are.

 

People say "oh she is pretty" or "oh ask her out" but what is attractive to them is not usually attractive to me. What usually ends up happening is the people I do find attractive brush me off like people brush off an ant.

 

Solutions, well the only real advice I can give is to not give up but don't let being single define your life, sure its tough I know, there isn't really a moment in the day where I don't long for someone to share my thoughts with, someone to just phone and find out how their day is going.

 

You need to find some inner happiness, be happy as to who and what you are.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

I can relate to the bold part very well, I am 31 and am basically in the same boat as you are.

 

People say "oh she is pretty" or "oh ask her out" but what is attractive to them is not usually attractive to me. What usually ends up happening is the people I do find attractive brush me off like people brush off an ant.

 

Solutions, well the only real advice I can give is to not give up but don't let being single define your life, sure its tough I know, there isn't really a moment in the day where I don't long for someone to share my thoughts with, someone to just phone and find out how their day is going.

 

You need to find some inner happiness, be happy as to who and what you are.

 

People say that you have to be happy with your life before you can seriously date someone, but how true is that really? I'd say I'm about as happy as I can be with myself without having a significant other to share my life with.

 

Just to ramble a bit, I feel like other ways of life and means of attaining happiness that were present in historical societies don't really exist anymore. For example, if I were born in the Middle Ages, given my strong intellectual bent I'd probably just be a monk or priest or something. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all this romantic nonsense. Nowadays though, and especially as a man, I feel like a big part of what defines you has to be sex or romance, and any other lifestyle that a person may be better suited to (like the Church, for example) is treated as an anachronistic joke, and people who pursue that are viewed as weird or broken or secretly pedophiles or whatnot.

 

Just to clarify, I'd consider myself agnostic and do want a romantic relationship for reasons other than merely societal pressure. The example of a religious life was used to describe one way that people may have found some "inner happiness" that didn't rely on sex or romantic relations.