Kiki123 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I came to this forum last summer looking for guidance for fear in asking my pathologically lying husband for a divorce. Well, I did it. Finally, after being miserable for about 6 years. I am coming here as a way to vent my frustration about the process now. I am trying to avoid saying anything hurtful or mean about him to my friends or colleagues, so I thought this would be a great avenue to do this. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm right, but maybe just a listening ear. August 9th was the day. I had taken him out for his birthday and he told me his new roommate was kicking him out. I'm sure he hadn't paid rent and they were tired of his mooching. He asked if he could move back in and I said no. He hadn't even attempted to work on the three, THREE, things I had asked him to work on upon our separation. Everything I did was wrong and once I started working on one thing he thought I did wrong, he would find something else. I asked for three things and he didn't even attempt to work on those. So, when I said no to the reconciliation, he asked for the divorce. I agreed it would be for the best and he left. I have tried to be amicable. I neatly packed his belongings and had them ready for him to pick up. He informed me he would be taking the tv and bed,so I had a friend help me move both of them for him. Mind you, he hadn't had either of these things for almost two years, but he was trying to "sock it to me," I guess. I went and bought a new, nicer tv and bed the same day. I have pretty much been super nice to him. No fights, no arguments, and kind words about his new job prospect. My attorney even mentioned that I was the calmest, kindest soon-to-be ex wife she had ever worked with. Not once have I been unkind. But, here's the kicker.....the ex is now telling everyone I cheated on him!!! That he "kicked my cheating ass to the curb." And I literally want to explode! He's defaming my character and I'm livid. How could he say that? Why would he be so cruel? I'm scared people will believe him because he is that good a liar. I have deleted my social media, and have very little contact with him. I do not say unkind words around our friends, and I try to just be a good person. He has tried to "hook up" with a married girl, hypocrite much?, and is trying to "get in good" with my old friends by friending them on FB. He has been going to the gym twice a day, to "shove it in my bitch face." Never really cared about his physique, mind you. He was over 300 lbs at 6'4" when I met him. He's never had a good body, so I never even cared about that. Didn't then, don't now. Thing is, I have never been more incredibly happy. Not dating anyone, happily single. Although, according to him, I'm having sex with everyone. Funny...you wait to have sex until you're married, sleep with one person, and then get accused of sleeping with everyone. Wish I was having all this imaginary sex. But, here's the thing, I'm no longer upset about the divorce. I feel free. I am, however, upset about his lies and slander about me. I am going to use this forum as an outlet to vent. Thank you for listening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 the ex is now telling everyone I cheated on him!!! Who is he saying this to? If they are not your friends/family/neighbours, who cares what they think? If they are your friends then surely they wouldn't believe him, or at least would ask your side? If they don't, obviously they are not worth being your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 When my son was younger, maybe 8 or 9, there were some older kids who were teasing him saying he was gay. He was very upset and I told him just because people say things doesn't make them true. You know the truth and no matter what someone says won't change that. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are and how you've acted. No need to confront the lies or explain yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 He sounds like an idiot, whose pissed off that you didn't let him move back. Good for you and good riddance to bad rubbish. You'll be just fine. You can tell anyone who relays the lies that's it's all in his mind. How childish of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 When he assaults your character, he is really exposing his own issues and deception. Good on you! Wish I had your smarts years ago. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki123 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 He told all of his friends that aren't mutual really. And his family. They have sent me nasty emails and his cousin even sent me a nude picture of the girl that my Ex is supposedly dating....it stated, "See? He can get much better than you. Bet you're sorry you are a cheating bitch now." I guess because I have been so kind to him because I tried so hard to make it work for so long and I don't hold ill will towards him. I have tried to forgive him for all the years of hurt he caused. I honestly feel sorry for whoever I do date in the future because I am fairly certain it could be ten years from now and he would say, "See, everyone? She cheated on me with that guy!" I shouldn't care, but I guess I am so upset that he is trying to play the victim by lying and attacking my character and I haven't said anything ugly about him, or his mental illness, to anyone. I have also not once blamed him for the divorce to anyone. The worst I have said is what I'm telling everyone anonymously on this forum. Just hurts is all. Thank you all for your kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Speak to your lawyer about sending him a firm warning regarding the penalties for slander. He either redresses the balance and informs people that in fact, you did NOT cheat, or you take legal action. That may have the desired effect.... This link pertains to UK Law, but it may well have relevance, or something similar may apply where you live. Have a chat with your lawyer, and ask her to have a quiet word in his 'shell-like'.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My ex moved out last January after announcing the marriage was over. There was no trial separation, there was no marriage counseling, there was certainly no request of 3 things to improve! Anyway, i had allot of thoughts of negative, spiteful and hurtful things to say and do - that's emotions for you! But i held firm to my realization that all those negative things don't bring any useful benefit, so i just kept quiet. My ex is actually offended at me because i cut her off and don't want to be friends because we have a 3 year old daughter. She does not realize i am trying to avoid starting a war of hatred that we would both surly regret one day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki123 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Yeah, I tried everything. Went to marriage counseling for 3 years. 8 months we went twice a week before I got tired of him just sitting there lying to the counselor and asked for a separation. We continued with the counseling for two and a half more years....he continued to lie in session. At the request of the counselor, we were supposed to seek out individual counseling. I did, he didn't. 1.5 years into the IC and I still go and he doesn't. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I did try. Hard. To make this marriage work. He did nothing but lie, spend a lot of the savings I brought into the marriage, and incur mutual debt. He got fired from his job last year and then lied about why he was fired. In cleaning out his stuff, I found that they fired him for not going to work for a month! Who does that?? He told me it was because he applied for another job with another company (non-competitive clause). And evidently, he was diagnosed with a pretty serious disease that put him in the hospital for 6 days and he almost died. He didn't even tell me he had the disease! He had known for at least two years. I could literally go on and on. It's fairly embarrassing because it is like a trashy tv show. Now he's telling mutual friends he's out "banging all these chicks." That is so unlike him-and honestly, probably so false and more lies! We were virgins when we married and he never talked so disgustingly and vulgar about women before. I'm mortified that he would treat his current prospects like such trash. I feel sorry for them. I am, however, completely grateful that I was able to get out. My faith prevented me from pursuing a divorce in the beginning, but I prayed for a long time about it. I am very happy I followed through with it because I don't think God would want me to be married to someone who treats people so horribly. I worked hard, but it takes two to make a marriage work. He just wanted me to do all the work, while he mooched and did nothing. I bought our cars, our house, paid for our expensive vacations, got promoted to the top level of my company, am pursuing a post-graduate degree, and I took care of 85% of our financial responsibilities. I was such an idiot to put up with that for so long and I'm embarrassed. But, I finally feel free. I'm just hoping he signs the papers so we can move this as quickly as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Stop playing his games. His lies about you cheating have nothing to do with you. He is lining up his next victim with a sympathy story of how he got done wrong. Nothing to do with you. He's just using you...again. He's going to keep doing what he's doing. Stop chasing whatever it is he has you chasing...respect for your kindness? None, nada. Just stop playing. I know it's hard. Just you gotta stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki123 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 You are so right, loveboid!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 When my son was younger, maybe 8 or 9, there were some older kids who were teasing him saying he was gay. He was very upset and I told him just because people say things doesn't make them true. You know the truth and no matter what someone says won't change that. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are and how you've acted. No need to confront the lies or explain yourself. So is he gay after all? I don't have an issue with that etc. I was just wondering because it would be kind of ironic if he was and those little jerks picked up on it early. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 He told all of his friends that aren't mutual really. And his family. They have sent me nasty emails and his cousin even sent me a nude picture of the girl that my Ex is supposedly dating....it stated, "See? He can get much better than you. Bet you're sorry you are a cheating bitch now." I guess because I have been so kind to him because I tried so hard to make it work for so long and I don't hold ill will towards him. I have tried to forgive him for all the years of hurt he caused. I honestly feel sorry for whoever I do date in the future because I am fairly certain it could be ten years from now and he would say, "See, everyone? She cheated on me with that guy!" I shouldn't care, but I guess I am so upset that he is trying to play the victim by lying and attacking my character and I haven't said anything ugly about him, or his mental illness, to anyone. I have also not once blamed him for the divorce to anyone. The worst I have said is what I'm telling everyone anonymously on this forum. Just hurts is all. Thank you all for your kind words. Honestly, I would sue his arse for defamation and use the cousin's email as evidence. I would also tell the cousin exactly that. I would stand up for my character. Although that's a soft-spot for me. I grew up in a home raised by a pathological liar who always lied about me and accused me of lying. I have a hard time trusting and I am very blunt about things. Ironically it taught me to be assertive and address people's behaviour in general. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 He told all of his friends that aren't mutual really. And his family. They have sent me nasty emails and his cousin even sent me a nude picture of the girl that my Ex is supposedly dating....it stated, "See? He can get much better than you. Bet you're sorry you are a cheating bitch now." Personally I would just ignore it. Who cares what his friends and family think? Block them ALL. They are just as bad as each other. Don't fight with idiots. They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kiki123 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 PegNosePete-LOVE that! Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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