He moved out

[Got it]

My ex husband was my MM, I was with him through the divorce. He got royally screwed in his because of guilt. Our divorce was easier, neither of us came out winners.

 

12 years wasted for both of us...

 

Sorry to hear about that especially that you felt the years were wasted. I haven't had a similar experience, actually, from either marriage.

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry to hear about that especially that you felt the years were wasted. I haven't had a similar experience, actually, from either marriage.

 

It's all good, life goes on. I have a new baby and my very wonderful man... both of which I doubt I would have had my ex and I never met. So I guess it wasn't a total waste.

[Mount]

Exactly, "move-out" does not mean anything, we have here so many MMs moving out, live with OWs, then they can move back. "Move-out" is just a gesture, not a action that will define your expected result yet.

 

Even you are not concern you will be in limbo, but why put your kids into such mess.

 

Until his divorce is final, there is nothing real for you yet. Or has he even started the process yet, i.e. checking with lawyer, determine which lawyer to use, fill in the forms...etc etc all very logic steps, not some emotion talk anymore.

 

He just moved his air traffic controllers station outside of the terminal where it will be easier to direct the traffic, but I think he wants to keep two women on the hook in some capacity.

 

I foresee this being an ongoing problem for you.

 

Has he filed for divorce?

Edited November 2, 2015 by Mount

[annawulf]

I don't see how I'm dragging my kids into anything. They just met another interesting person I know. It's not like I gave him some pre-defined role in their life (or mine!). They don't know whether we're sleeping together or not. (…and this hasn't happened many times, mainly because I'm too busy to see him!)

 

I get what you all mean, but divorce isn't categorical either - people can always get back together after that, too. It's maybe a pedantic point and I understand the probability is much lower. I just feel people search for certainty all the time when in reality there is none. I mean, you only have your 'forever' person until they're not your forever person any more. It's a perspective thing. But yes, thanks, Shadow - I'm in a much better place. It's hard to believe that was even me - I reread the old threads lately. I'm not about to let go of this happiness easily, I tell you that. I have a fantastic job, a beautiful house, a great relationship with my ex and his partner, the kids are thriving, a huge network of AMAZING friends. I suffered a big trauma recently and I was bowled over by the love and support I received from everyone (apart from my FOO, but that's another story), including MM (all unconditional, he certainly didn't get any sex or adulation out of that whole episode, more just anger, snot and tears).

[annawulf]

oh, and we're not in the states. he hasn't filed but that's again out of a wish to keep things amicable. I get that. I only just divorced myself after 5 years separation. If I'd driven that through earlier there's NO WAY my ex and I (and my ILs) would be the way we are now (we all went on holiday together with the kids and his new partner this year) - I know him and he's proud and he needed it to happen in that timeframe. Plus that way we managed to do it without lawyers, which we were both really keen on, for financial and relationship reasons. I don't know anyone in RL who has inked their divorce before they've got into another LTR or at least a relationship. Maybe I only hang out with lazy bohemians.

[minimariah]

I don't know anyone in RL who has inked their divorce before they've got into another LTR or at least a relationship. Maybe I only hang out with lazy bohemians.

 

people RARELY leave one relationship without having someone in the background. it's a matter of habit & cowardice -- most have that "well, better unhappy than alone" thing going on inside their heads. that being said, it usually happens with just one partner - one partner finds someone else & finally leaves = divorce. i don't know any RL couples who waited for a divorce papers to be signed until everyone got new partner, that just seems crazy to me. i know i didn't, i just wanted that part of my life dealt with.

 

that being said, your MM can keep things amicable by being honest. who he sees or dates isn't any of his soon to be ex - wife's problem and he won't solve this by lies or waiting the dust to settle.

 

you said he is a people pleaser & i assume, settler - he's doing it again with his divorce. as far as her blaming you... depends on the state of their marriage by now - if they had regular sex and did rgular couple things, it makes sense why she sees you and only you at fault. if there weren't any obvious signs that things weren't going well PRIOR to you getting into the picture -- then yeah, she will blame only you.

 

and i personally recommend a lawyer - amicable or not... with divorce, it's gloves off. especially when there's an affair. forget about playing fair, she will strike back & he needs to be ready for that.

[sandylee1]

If a divorce can be amicable..then there's no need for lawyers. They just cost more. Many people use mediators and others don't bother.

 

Of course if his wife gets wind of you still being in the picture...She'll probably take him to the cleaners....she's faced false R...when she could have moved on....that will not please her and his guilt will make him give more than 50% .....that's if he wants to D quickly.

 

Depending on where you live ....a period of seperation must happen before divorce...that could be why he's moved out.

 

Unless you take your kids to the homes of lots of single men who cook for them....they'll catch on even if they don't tell you. I heard some kids talking about meeting their dad's new 'friend' and they knew it was his GF.

[Survivor12]

oh, and we're not in the states. he hasn't filed but that's again out of a wish to keep things amicable. I get that. I only just divorced myself after 5 years separation. If I'd driven that through earlier there's NO WAY my ex and I (and my ILs) would be the way we are now (we all went on holiday together with the kids and his new partner this year) - I know him and he's proud and he needed it to happen in that timeframe. Plus that way we managed to do it without lawyers, which we were both really keen on, for financial and relationship reasons. I don't know anyone in RL who has inked their divorce before they've got into another LTR or at least a relationship. Maybe I only hang out with lazy bohemians.

 

He hasn't filed for divorce because he wants to keep things amicable, yet he wants to tell his wife that he is seeing you--his affair partner & the one person she doesn't want him even talking to.

 

The contradiction makes no sense.

[Quiet Storm]

Take it very slow and be careful to manage your expectations. Don't assume that if it's not her- it'll be you. Now that he's divorcing, he'll have a lot more options. He'll notice that women who wouldn't be with a married guy might give him a chance now.

 

Don't be his safe landing, because he may use you as a stepping stone to being fully divorced. You don't want to be the transition girl, the one that helps him through the divorce and props him up for the next woman.

 

Stay out of their divorce. Be very cognizant that he is going through many conflitcting emotions. Be careful not to fall into the role of his stress escape, the one he can count on to get him through the roller coaster of his divorce. He could end up taking your support for granted when he gets emotionally stronger. You want him to see you as his future and his life companion.

[OldRover]

oh, and we're not in the states. he hasn't filed but that's again out of a wish to keep things amicable. I get that. I only just divorced myself after 5 years separation. If I'd driven that through earlier there's NO WAY my ex and I (and my ILs) would be the way we are now (we all went on holiday together with the kids and his new partner this year) - I know him and he's proud and he needed it to happen in that timeframe. Plus that way we managed to do it without lawyers, which we were both really keen on, for financial and relationship reasons. I don't know anyone in RL who has inked their divorce before they've got into another LTR or at least a relationship. Maybe I only hang out with lazy bohemians.

 

You seem to have a good handle on this.

 

There's no reason to not see him, unless you're permanently leaving him, which is not what you want. No down side, you're going to be hurt if he leaves either way, and staying by his side now gives the possibility of ending up with him in the future.

 

And there's nothing wrong with him hanging on to you, and trying to treat his wife fair and go through a separation and diverse with minimal pain. This is not cowardly, like some suggest. It's just good planning. I'd not suggest you get mentioned or get messed up in the divorce for any reason. One issue I would have is if he's sleeping with his wife, I'd want that stopped now. If you and he have a relationship and he's committed to you, he should be monogamous to you.

 

Most of us don't know the divorce rules where you are, so there's probably a lot that we speculate on. But, while that's not your issue, you should know where he stands, what the rules are and what his plans are.

 

Who knows how long his divorce will take, and what the details are. The separation sure is a significant step and makes a statement that he doesn't want to live with her. The longer he's apart, the more likely divorce will happen. And some times, the timing of divorce is critical for a successful outcome, sometimes taking several months or a year or two. Depends. That will be a difficult time for you, considering that things change over that time, people get different thoughts and ideas. He "may" go back, you just don't know.

 

FWIW, I went thru similar, but I was the MM. The separation/divorce took a LONG time, for valid reasons, but it went through and I ended up with my OW. Very little problems with the divorce, but the OW was a bit too involved at times, which caused major problems. She has some personality issues that were a challenge. Eventually I left her because of that, and ended back with my exW. However, there were major changes over time. I would have clearly stayed with my OW forever had she not had her personality issues, and would have not had the opportunity to go back. So... ya never know.

 

You probably know the statistics are against you, but doesn't mean you can come out of this fine. Good luck.