Sara109 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My boyfriend and I were at a restaurant yesterday and we were having dinner. He usually teases me e.g. pours extra salt on my food, dares me to try something weird, etc. So I thought it will be a little funny to pour hot sauce on his food. He reacted right away and called me an *******. He said "you're an *******" I got really upset and told him to never call me that again. He said he just reacted quickly and didn't mean it and said he was sorry and wouldnt swear at me again. I am still really upset over what he said, he has never sworn at me before. I did apologize for what I did. I asked of he would say that to his parents he said he wouldnt. So why was he able to say it to me so easily? Should I be concerned? We both are in our mid 20's Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I wouldn't be concerned. But I don't really get your game of ruining the other's food with salt or hot sauce. Perhaps stop playing that game. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My boyfriend and I were at a restaurant yesterday and we were having dinner. He usually teases me e.g. pours extra salt on my food, dares me to try something weird, etc. So I thought it will be a little funny to pour hot sauce on his food. He reacted right away and called me an *******. He said "you're an *******" I got really upset and told him to never call me that again. He said he just reacted quickly and didn't mean it and said he was sorry and wouldnt swear at me again. I am still really upset over what he said, he has never sworn at me before. I did apologize for what I did. I asked of he would say that to his parents he said he wouldnt. So why was he able to say it to me so easily? Should I be concerned? We both are in our mid 20's Thanks It was a knee jerk reaction to a juvenile prank. Let it go. Unless he does it often, I wouldn't worry about it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 He usually teases me e.g. pours extra salt on my food Mid 20's? Mid teens more like. I would say this immature behaviour is more of a deal-breaker than one regretted swear word. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 It was a knee jerk reaction to a juvenile prank. Let it go. Unless he does it often, I wouldn't worry about it. I agree, when my guy pranks me like that, and I get really startled, I have been known to to call him an ass or worse! He knows I don't mean it, it's all in good fun, and we both end up cracking up afterwards.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Would you pour hot sauce on his Parents or your Parents food ? I think you both need to stop pouring stuff on each others food, him swearing at you wasn't much of an over reaction, it was a reaction... you ruined his plate of food... I think you need to acknowledge that you contributed to this issue and just move on from it... and stop this type of childish game as it will only lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Sounds to me like he's the kind of person who has no problem dishing it out but when the tables are turned, he can't take it. If that's the case then he needs to either get a thicker skin or grow up and leave his joy buzzer and whoopie cushion at home and act his age. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 We both are in our mid 20's ... Jeez, I assumed you two were Juniors in High School til I saw this part. I guess my advice is for you two to behave or someone's going to knock your heads together (just repeating what my mom told my brother and I when we were kids). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 He said he just reacted quickly and didn't mean it and said he was sorry and wouldnt swear at me again. That's also what my ex told me right after he hit me for the first time so no, I have zero tolerance for this type of verbal violence. I firmly believe physical violence always starts with verbal violence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Oh for f+x× sake! F@£k@xg grow up!! Both of you!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sara109 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Thank you for all your comments I do understand that what I did was wrong, but it's just the way he responded that hurt my feeling. What if I accidentally upset him will he use that language on me again? Should I be worried. What I don't understand is that he said he wasn't angry or upset for what I did. I find that very confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 It's not about how angry you are, if you're not a swearer, those words just never come to mind. He didn't just swear at his predicament. The problem here is he called you a name, which makes you wonder how he feels about you. A lot of men swear all the time, but still wouldn't say to his 6 year old daughter "you're an ***". That would be almost comical. So it's not a matter of uncontrollable anger. Your bf treats you like one of the guys, I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Thank you for all your comments I do understand that what I did was wrong, but it's just the way he responded that hurt my feeling. What if I accidentally upset him will he use that language on me again? Should I be worried. What I don't understand is that he said he wasn't angry or upset for what I did. I find that very confusing. I beg to differ. You can poor all the hot sauce you want on my place I will never call you names. EVEN LESS if you happen to be someone I LOVE. If he calls you names you bet one day he'll be calling your children names. Does he call his mother names?? NO because he has RESPECT for her. Listen to me. That is how abuse starts. It starts with ONE incident that makes you confused but you decide to let it slide. That sends him the signal that it's ok to call you names because after all you are still standing by him after he called you *&*$#@. Then there will be a next time. OH YOU BET there will be a next time. And next time you will start making excuses like Oh he's stressed, I should not have bugged him, he was tired, I know he hates when I do this and that. The next thing you know you will find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship. Then what's next? It will start slowly with arm squeezing, then wrists squeezing, then a push, then ...... How long have you been dating? Edited November 2, 2015 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I'd likely swear too if someone ruined my food. This game you play with food is ridiculous. Both of you need to stop doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sara109 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Would you swear in general or would you swear directly at them? I can understand if you just utter the words but not directed at your girlfriend. I just think he went too far by swearing at me for what I did. I understand what I did wasn't nice at all. But the swearing was just not acceptable. Do I have the right to feel upset? It's bothering me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Would you swear in general or would you swear directly at them? I can understand if you just utter the words but not directed at your girlfriend. I just think he went too far by swearing at me for what I did. I understand what I did wasn't nice at all. But the swearing was just not acceptable. Do I have the right to feel upset? It's bothering me a lot. You have the "right" to feel upset. Your feelings are your feelings. I think you should let this go though. If he's not in the habit of doing that, are you going to "condemn" him for it? Really. Go ahead and tell him you are dumping him for using a curse word once . . . Tell him you didn't appreciate the curse word and that you are sorry for putting hot sauce on his food and then move on from it. He's not still carrying on about what you did is he? Gosh. If it becomes a pattern, then you worry about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 He said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I would give him the chance to keep that promise. It could go either way. Could be that he was just talking to you the way he'd talk to a male friend who did that, and didn't realize you weren't ok with it. Or it could be the first glimpse into a mean guy who will continue to do this. Only one way to know. I wouldn't end it over this - but yes, you have the right to be upset. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Never deliberately provoke someone. It's immature and very disrespectful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Never deliberately provoke someone. It's immature and very disrespectful. Never? Not even opposing counsel, or my grouchy neighbor? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Never? Not even opposing counsel, or my grouchy neighbor? Yes. Never. For the reasons stated above. But hey, you can play by your own rules Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I can see how someone could react quickly to something as a gut reaction and not necessarily intend harm. I have had situations where in the moment I have reacted to family members with raising my voice, etc because in the moment things were intense but in retrospect it wasn't the right way to behave in that situation so you learn from it and try to do better the next time. I really think you do need to keep a close eye on it though and make sure it isn't a pattern (i.e. if he puts you down in other ways... him ruining your food with salt/etc might seem like a game but really stupid.. what else does he do and excuse it as "playing around"?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I can't beleive most of you would forgive NAME CALLING. He didn't swear as in 'F this and F that' NO, he called her names He reacted right away and called me an *******. He said "you're an *******" Really most of you would accept being told * You're a C * You're an idiot * You're a B Really?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 No having been in an abusive relationship, while I don't want to leap to conclusions, name-calling is a bad sign. Even wholly taking into account what transpired, she's still justified to feel upset about this. Now I've been in a relationship with an abusive guy and one who was going towards being abusive. Name-calling was a sign and the men concerned did not seem to feel sorrowful at all about this. For instance, one time with my last ex when I was jamming and accidentally hit him with the guitar (it was a complete accident) and he called me an effin b*tch. If the guy is apologetic, that's a good thing but you have to be on watch with him after that as some people are insensitive and don't feel truly sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 It could go either way. Could be that he was just talking to you the way he'd talk to a male friend who did that, and didn't realize you weren't ok with it. Yeah that's a possibility too if the guy isn't used to interacting with women. Men are more used to having jabs at each other but it's just upsetting for a woman to hear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I'd say 'dealbreaker' if this was me. Mind you, I would have dumped him if he refused to stop the salt thing too. You're absolutely correct that if he can choose control himself around his parents, he can choose to control himself around you. Some people are saying that he was provoked. I disagree - you were only doing to him what he was doing to you. In his eyes, it's just a friendly game. And one does not attack like this in a friendly game. But if you do decide to give another chance, you must have a talk about the stupid - not funny - food games. It's just juvenile 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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