i need some advice again

[maggie]

i dont know why i keep posting my entire relationship and life up here but i always get great advice on here....

 

me and my bf have decided to wait on getting married because we are too young and need to travel and figure out who we are...

 

neither of us even know where to begin....

 

our realationship is perfect...

 

but how do you figure out who you are?

 

how do you even being to look?

 

where are some good spots to do that?

 

were gonna do it together cuz we really dont know eachother and were gonna start actually talking instead of just making love.....

 

we know we love each other and thats why we are going to wait....

 

but we both want to get the crazey party people out of us before we settle down and get married to each other...

 

how do we do this????

 

sincerly and thanks

 

maggie

[Tony T]

1. "but how do you figure out who you are?"

 

I don't think you ever do because humans evolve and grow and are ever-changing. The person you are today is not the person you will be a year from now. We learn more, we see more...the more data we receive, the more we change feelings and opinions in some way. Our feelings for certain people can also change, we can outgrow them in many ways...friendships can change to acquaintainceships or even disappear...or they can transform to love...or love can transform to hate...or to friendship. I mean this life thing is not set in concrete. About the time you think you have yourself figured out, you don't.

 

And once you realize you never completely know yourself, you'll see how it's not great business to try to figure out others. Even the person you love more than anything in the world will surprise and disappoint you at times.

 

I think if you ever completely knew who you were, you would be just as bored with yourself as you get when you think you completely know somebody else.

 

2. "How do you even being to look?"

 

Don't worry about this. Just live your life according to your best morals, ethics and beliefs. Do not preoccupy yourself with this. Very often we find things, and ourselves, when we cease to look. Don't put so much energy into this. Remember the dog who chases the car...and when he catches up to it he forgets why he was chasing it?

 

3. "where are some good spots to do that?"

 

Well, I think like the book says, "Wherever you are, there you are" or something like that. You are always with yourself. You can find parts of yourself in every experience...even in your dreams at night. You don't just go to a particular street corner to find yourself...unless you happen to be lost there or something.

 

Finding oneself, if that is actually possible, is a long journey that you never set out for. You just get there somehow but never completely because the path is always changing. And you can't rush the trip, either. Stop worrying so much. Most people really don't preoccupy themselves with this function. A lot of people probably wouldn't like what they found if they ever did "find" themselves.

 

There is an old Zen saying, "A good traveller has no particular destination and is not intent on arriving." As applied to your question, your exploration of yourself through time should be your bliss and you should not be so concerned at arriving at some imaginary conclusion...because it never concludes.

 

Nothing in life is ever over until death. Even the worst dispute can end in love...and the greatest love can evolve into the worst dispute. I guess maybe you have found yourself in some ways when you realize this.

 

4. "were gonna do it together cuz we really dont know eachother and were gonna start actually talking instead of just making love....."

 

Wow, you're going to actually start talking to each other. What a concept. Well, this is irrelevant to finding yourself but it will certainly go a long way to finding out what makes your partner tick. Yes, excellent idea...talking to each other...wow, I'm glad you thought of that.

 

A relationship is a conversation that never ceases. Yes, always communicate in addition to having sex...but not during. It's really hard to hold a meaningful conversation at that time. And kind of annoying to your partner.

 

5. "we know we love each other and thats why we are going to wait...."

 

Love has nothing to do with it at all. Now that you know how to make love really well, you need to fall in like with each other...by talking and getting to know each other. Who knows, you may not even like the guy. You've enjoyed the sex but will you enjoy who he is when you "find" him and will he like you when he "finds" you.

 

Yes, talk a lot about yourselves, your likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc. You can never really get to know someone through intercourse, except maybe how good they are in the sack.

 

It's really unclear what you are going to wait for here but I think in general, waiting is always a good idea.

 

6. "but we both want to get the crazey party people out of us before we settle down and get married to each other..."

 

So you are possessed by crazy people. Well, I think it's nice to get the wildness out. You are showing here exactly what I said above. The person you are now, that person with the wild, crazy part, may not be the person you are in five or ten years.

 

I don't think you can just set out consciously to shake out the crazy part of yourself. It's not like going out and washing your car. You're finished in 15 minutes and the job is done. Evolving as a person is something that just happens over time.

 

If you start out each day trying really hard to get rid of a particular part of yourself, the very act will make it last longer.

 

Why rush your life. Let all these things happen in normal time. Ease off and enjoy the ride. Life takes a long time and you should enjoy your crazy years. Don't let any person take that away from you. There will be a day when you long to be crazy again and you may not be able to find it. I recommend that you keep a little of that craziness always. That's what will make you interesting and make life tolerable for you...because there are a lot of people who stay crazy all their lives.

 

You may get the crazy part out in a year or two...but your guy may not do that for five or ten years. People go at different speeds. Yes, you have to wait until you are both in the same place. And, even then, that craziness has a way of coming back and visiting sometimes.

 

7. "how do we do this????"

 

Do what? I try to start off everything I do with a good night's sleep...yes, that's it. And exercise properly. Eat a good, balanced diet, avoid between meal snacks and brush your teeth.

 

In America, we have a breakfast cereal called Healthy Start. That may be a good way to start.

 

Otherwise, just the fact that you have asked this question means that your process has already started. But you must allow it to happen, not make it happen.

 

Now, have some fun today and enjoy yourself. You may never pass this way again.

[F]

d

i dont know why i keep posting my entire relationship and life up here but i always get great advice on here.... me and my bf have decided to wait on getting married because we are too young and need to travel and figure out who we are... neither of us even know where to begin....

 

our realationship is perfect... but how do you figure out who you are? how do you even being to look? where are some good spots to do that? were gonna do it together cuz we really dont know eachother and were gonna start actually talking instead of just making love..... we know we love each other and thats why we are going to wait.... but we both want to get the crazey party people out of us before we settle down and get married to each other... how do we do this???? sincerly and thanks maggie

[clia]

"but how do you figure out who you are?"

 

Well, there's no patented process to figuring out who you are. Like Tony said, you change all the time. But think about these questions. What were your dreams when you were little (careerwise, travelwise (is that even a word?), etc.) What are YOU passionate about? I think that everyone needs to have at least one thing that they are absolutely passionate about, be it music, movies, dancing, theatre, books, a sport, etc. What is it that really does it for you?

 

"how do you even being to look?"

 

Try everything. Keep an open mind! When you get to a point in your life where you feel that you don't need anyone else to make you happy, you're there. (i.e. you do not need a man in your life to be happy!) And guys find this trait amazingly attractive, by the way.

 

"where are some good spots to do that?"

 

Um...sort of depends on what your passion is. There isn't exactly a 'Find Yourself' bar that you can go to. It all depends on you. This isn't a clearcut path, more of an 'experience life' path. Sheesh, go to Europe, go to places around town that you vowed you'd never go. Take karate lessons or go to Tae Bo or join a Book Club or go to a seminar on Feminism...the list is endless. There's a lot of living to do in the world...

 

"were gonna do it together cuz we really dont

 

know eachother and were gonna start actually talking

 

instead of just making love..... "

 

Oh my. Gee, that sounds like a great idea. How can you possibly commit to marriage when all you have in common is sex? (You try to gloss over it with the term 'making love', but as far as I'm concerned, if you've never talked about YOURSELVES, then all you're doing is having sex under the pretext that you are in love.)

 

"but we both want to get the crazey party people out of us before we settle down and get married to each other...

 

how do we do this????"

 

Go out and party. Don't be committed to each other just yet. Meet a lot of different people. Get exposed to different kinds of things. You sound young, and I'm still not sure how old you are, but there are so many things out ther for you to try out. (And I'm not talking about drugs, either. I'm completely against that.) But simply be single. Date people. Meet other people and learn about their life experiences. It's quite an awesome experience. Keep an open mind.

 

And don't do drugs.

[maggie]

we did get to know each other a little but not like in depth like we want now. its not sex cuz theres this undecribable passion to it thats not really decribable. i understand what u r saing though..... and thanx for the advice i needed that!

"but how do you figure out who you are?"

 

Well, there's no patented process to figuring out who you are. Like Tony said, you change all the time. But think about these questions. What were your dreams when you were little (careerwise, travelwise (is that even a word?), etc.) What are YOU passionate about? I think that everyone needs to have at least one thing that they are absolutely passionate about, be it music, movies, dancing, theatre, books, a sport, etc. What is it that really does it for you? "how do you even being to look?"

 

Try everything. Keep an open mind! When you get to a point in your life where you feel that you don't need anyone else to make you happy, you're there. (i.e. you do not need a man in your life to be happy!) And guys find this trait amazingly attractive, by the way. "where are some good spots to do that?"

 

Um...sort of depends on what your passion is. There isn't exactly a 'Find Yourself' bar that you can go to. It all depends on you. This isn't a clearcut path, more of an 'experience life' path. Sheesh, go to Europe, go to places around town that you vowed you'd never go. Take karate lessons or go to Tae Bo or join a Book Club or go to a seminar on Feminism...the list is endless. There's a lot of living to do in the world... "were gonna do it together cuz we really dont know eachother and were gonna start actually talking instead of just making love..... " Oh my. Gee, that sounds like a great idea. How can you possibly commit to marriage when all you have in common is sex? (You try to gloss over it with the term 'making love', but as far as I'm concerned, if you've never talked about YOURSELVES, then all you're doing is having sex under the pretext that you are in love.) "but we both want to get the crazey party people out of us before we settle down and get married to each other... how do we do this????" Go out and party. Don't be committed to each other just yet. Meet a lot of different people. Get exposed to different kinds of things. You sound young, and I'm still not sure how old you are, but there are so many things out ther for you to try out. (And I'm not talking about drugs, either. I'm completely against that.) But simply be single. Date people. Meet other people and learn about their life experiences. It's quite an awesome experience. Keep an open mind. And don't do drugs.