she left, slept with someone, now shes back. not sure how to feel

[disbelief]

Hey everyone,

 

so my GF of 3.5 years that i have a son with left the house in late July saying she "loved me but wasn't in love with me" and "needed to work on herself". she said she didn't like how she was always so mad at me and wasn't happy.

 

ok fast forward a few months, shes moved back in and were a family again, only now im having trouble with what happened when she was gone. im trying to figure out how to accept what happened because i think its what i need to do.

 

we have a family, when she was gone our son went back and forth and it was horrible on everyone. I was in a ton of pain about her leaving, i couldn't understand it. it was a shock to me even though i could feel her becoming colder and colder. as she became colder and colder i tried to do everything i could but nothing was helping.

 

 

so after she came back i have the whole story and here it is:

 

she wasn't happy and our relationship wasn't great, we would even sleep in different beds. my son hogging the bed with her didn't help because there wasn't much room for me though.

 

overall she says she felt that our relationship sucked because we didn't do things that couples do like sleep together and go out etc. having our son was hard on our relationship but i always loved her and i did show it through affection constantly.

 

she never seemed very receptive to my affection though. im back in school now but at that time i was a stay at home dad and she told me she thought there was no future with me. i guess her thinking was pertaining to financial issues, this was a misconception on her part though, i always had career plans and im carrying them out now.

 

 

she said that she was becoming attracted to different people and she didn't like feeling that way so she left because she didn't want to feel bad for having those feelings.

 

 

so in the weeks leading up to her leaving this guy started texting her, she said the texting was just "hey hows it going" kind of thing.

 

anyway two days after she left they were out to dinner together and they eventually ended up having sex. she swears they only had sex once. she says they were really just friends and that he didn't mean anything more then just friends to her. she said the sex just happened because there was some attraction but nothing more. she said that he was someone to go hangout with to "escape".

 

 

meanwhile im at home with our son in tears while this is going on. even throughout her time with him she would come and hang out with our son and I. she would also say that she just "needed time". at this point i knew there was another guy but i didn't know she was sleeping with him.

 

 

im having trouble believing her story and my gut is telling me that what really happened is that she got board with me and this other guy popped up and she wanted to go experience him. when she figured out he wasn't better or the grass wasn't greener she hurried home. i was also starting to go 180 on her which im sure accelerated her return as she seen me as an option disappearing.

 

 

im having resentment now and i find myself wanting to talk about what happened constantly. she hates talking about it because it makes her feel bad. she admits it was wrong and we have gone to counselling. she has been accountable and has been trying to make things better. shes been cleaning the house and trying to be positive etc but im having trouble just forgetting what happened.

 

i feel a fakeness in the air, i feel like if someone came along when she got board again she could do it again. she swears she will never do it again.

 

i sort of feel like a sucker that got taken advantage of. i know i played a part but why couldn't she have expressed more clearly what she needed.

 

any advice would be great, thanks for your time.

[bubbaganoosh]

Hey everyone,

she hates talking about it because it makes her feel bad. she admits it was wrong and we have gone to counselling.

 

Then you tell her that if she feels bad about it then consider how you feel since you were on the receiving end of her betrayal.

 

Honestly you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the GIG's and right now what you are is "Plan B" and if your happy to assume that position and just do nothing about it then be prepared for it to happen again.

 

She knew from the get go that when she left you she wanted to see how far it would go with this guy and if it turned out to be better then it was, you would be history.

 

Helping around the house just doesn't cut it. If she isn't willing to answer your questions then you should tell her to to go back to the guy and stay with him because she's serving no purpose with you.

 

One more thing. You can ask your questions and what will happen is it will lead to more and more questions and even if you get them answered will you be able to trust her again.

 

If she's willing to cut and run without trying to work out the problems then what makes you think she wont do it again.

 

If you want her to stay then you make her earn her way back and running the sweeper isn't one of the ways.

[betterfly]

Hi! Thanks for sharing your story! I was wondering how you behaved before all this distancing on her part began? Were you lobing and attentive, were you there for her? If the first answer that comes to mind is positive, then please don't go on questioning yourself - it is absolutely possible that she made a mistake and then kept makinv one mistake after another, she might have been blind and it could little to nothing to do with you.

 

Why I am asking is that it reminded me of my situation a little bit... My bf left me (ex bf), and before leaving he started to talking to a girl online. In my case, however, I know that I pushed him away with my actions, and it still doesn't feel great... in your case... if it's about going out together and sleeping together (quite important, in my opinion), have you tried to fix that? Most importantly, do you FEEL like fixing it? Just keep in mind that you too could find someone else, and I know you have a kid, but it might be crucial for you to come to the realization that she's not the only one woman for you - I believe that might be the only way to make her value you again!!

[Wewon]

I empathize with your situation.

 

The problem with the dumper wanting to come back is that, as the dumpee, you never know "why" they are coming back and what it will take for them to leave again. She needs to understand that her answering uncomfortable questions is the best reassurance that she can offer. Otherwise she's arrogantly expecting you to walk out on blind faith, completely ignoring what she has proven to be capable of, leaving and finding someone else.

[disbelief]

Yes. I feel I can't be comfortable. I feel there has been so much damage. I feel if I want to move past it and stay with her I am almost going to have to rug sweep it myself.

 

Admittedly I did spend time down in the shop away from her. Somtimes I would be on my phone also. We should have done more together. I always wanted to work on that but she couldn't see it I guess. She just left. I think the other guy being available added to her desire to leave.

 

She swears up and down that her leaving had nothing to do with him and that I am not plan b. She said she would even talk to him about me and that she was confused on what to do. In the end she told him she is going to try again with her family. She also said the sex with him was horrible.

 

I just can't get the idea out of my head that she let another guy have her. Why wasn't I good enough? Weren't we worth working on it? Maybe she isint as much of a fighter as I am.

 

I'm so torn on weather to believe her or was she really trying to see if he was better then me?

 

The main feeling I have is I wasn't good enough for her. when is she going to find someone else that may be better?

 

OR if I'm more present and we acctually work on the relationship will it never happen again?

Edited November 2, 2015 by disbelief

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. I feel I can't be comfortable. I feel there has been so much damage. I feel if I want to move past it and stay with her I am almost going to have to rug sweep it myself.

 

Admittedly I did spend time down in the shop away from her. Somtimes I would be on my phone also. We should have done more together. I always wanted to work on that but she couldn't see it I guess. She just left. I think the other guy being available added to her desire to leave.

 

She swears up and down that her leaving had nothing to do with him and that I am not plan b. She said she would even talk to him about me and that she was confused on what to do. In the end she told him she is going to try again with her family. She also said the sex with him was horrible.

 

I just can't get the idea out of my head that she let another guy have her. Why wasn't I good enough? Weren't we worth working on it? Maybe she isint as much of a fighter as I am.

 

I'm so torn on weather to believe her or was she really trying to see if he was better then me?

 

The main feeling I have is I wasn't good enough for her. when is she going to find someone else that may be better?

 

OR if I'm more present and we acctually work on the relationship will it never happen again?

 

This sucks big time.

 

If you didn't have a kid together I'm sure you wouldn't out up with this crap (been there).

 

Unfortunately, some humans are just really slow on the learning curve and don't see that even if they aren't doing something "technically wrong" it can still significantly damage a relationship.

 

I mean, who gives a damn if "the sex was horrible"? It's like an alcoholic skipping an AA meeting to go to a bar and saying " the beer sucked" so all is well? Makes no sense. I mean alcoholic should have been nowhere near there to begin with. At that point it just sounds like they were disappointed it wasn't better.

 

In her case leaving her family behind just didn't turn out to be as much fun as she thought. Oh darn. You get from life what you put into it. She wasn't investing and communicating in the relationship, and it sucked for her. Duh.

 

Often the best relationships we have are mutual investments. Abandoning her child isn't going to make life "better."

 

Too bad she had to ruin things before she discovered that.

Next it sounds like she'll have to discover that your feelings matter too if she has a shred of a chance of saving this.

 

Do you believe her? Has she given you any reason to?

[dave_1966]

That's an appalling read, she's come back because it didn't work out with the other fella. It's as simple as that. Ask her to look you in the eyes when she answers your questions, she's faking it and will no doubt be looking for another guy when she's ready enough.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

As hard as it is, you should dump her. Be the best dad you can be in a bad situation.

[dumbass2]

Ask her to agree to couples counseling and let's see how serious she is about working through this. I'd have such a huge problem with her having sex with someone else. The trust is gone and I can't say that it will ever come back. sorry that happened to you. I know it would be hard, but man, I'd get away from her.

[No Limit]

You don't need to live together with her to be a good father to your child. Remember that.

 

And don't believe her "the sex was horrible, you aren't plan B" talk. It's damage control to keep you from leaving her.