High Sex Drive vs Low Sex Drive

[Luke12345]

Hey everyone, thank you in advance for taking the time to read my problem below,

 

A very short back story on the subject...

 

I'm 24 and have never cheated in my life, I'm very proud to say that and want to stay that way, I like to think I'm a good guy. I've had bad relationships in the past and have never felt like I want to ever do that, but now I've found someone who I love dearly and have never been happier with, but I feel I want to do exactly that!

 

Why the hell do you ask?!

 

I get pushed away sexually a lot, I try so much to spice things up and nothing seems to work. I never make her feel guilty when she pushes me away but in my head I'm starting to feel like I can't take this anymore and I need more.

 

She has certain issues with self esteem and the like which is why I think this happens, I'm understanding but I can't do with such little sex.

 

We've been together for nearly 2 years, she's so special and I'd like to state now no matter how bad it gets I will NOT cheat, that's a fact. I'm not a bad guy. But I'm frustrated and I need help with changing my situation.

 

What can I say to her? What can I do?

[deadelvis]

here are the first steps.

 

1. Rule out any health or medication issues

2. Rule out psychological issues

3. Rule out any issues of physical attraction or "poor performance" on your part.

 

Those short sentences sound easy, but it's a monumental task trying to find answers to #1 and #2. The answer to number 3 can be as easy as a short conversation with her. But #1 can require months of medical testing, hormone tests, research etc. And solving #2 is like trying to solve a puzzle in the dark with half the pieces missing. Maybe a therapist will be able to help you figure out if she's sexually avoidant, general low-libido, asexual, gay, etc. but in my experience the psychological factors are really hard to understand. You mentioned her having low self esteem. Maybe that's the first piece of the puzzle, but I assure you, it goes much deeper than just "not feeling sexy".

 

It could be anything from childhood sexual abuse to an underactive thyroid. Or it could even be something simple like hygiene. There are just so many factors that go into our desire and libido, there's no easy answer. I bought dozens of books on the subject and I'm no closer to finding the answer.

 

In the end it might just be easier to walk away.

Edited November 2, 2015 by deadelvis

[deadelvis]

BTW I think you posted this in the wrong section.

[Luke12345]

1, 2 and 3 about myself...not a problem.

 

You are hitting the nail on the head about the self esteem problem but my question still lies because I know that already, what do I do though!? Bear in mind I've tried a lot; reassurance, confidence boosting techniques, 'sexy' tactics etc.

 

There's no childhood sexual abuse or hygiene issues I know that, what is an underactive thyroid though? Am I clutching at straws? If I feel this way should I seriously consider the latter in your appreciative response?

[Luke12345]

Oh deadelvis, apologies where should this be do you reckon? I couldn't see another that would suit more so.

[central]

I hate to say this, but it's all but certain that there is NO fix for this issue. Either she's really not into you sexually - and at your ages, I doubt that she'd stick around if that were true - or, she's naturally LD and nothing can change that.

 

Love is NOT enough. Love alone is NOT enough to sustain a relationship.

 

You are sexually incompatible despite everything else being good. You can love someone, but eventually the lack of intimacy will degrade and destroy the love, and the relationship. I know - I've been there, and lived unhappily for many years before I could stand no more and divorced.

 

Love is NOT enough. It's time to break up and move on, and find someone who has a comparable libido as well as the other areas of compatibility.

[Luke12345]

Central may I ask you more of your situation because as much I hate your suggestions it sounds like the most enlightening thing I've heard.

 

Me and my girlfriend; have the same humour, like the same shows, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same tastes, high five and all that jazz.

 

Obviously we're sexually incompatible sexually, really can that ruin all of that positivity? This is the most important question I feel I can so please you're honest response would be much appreciated, even if it is a simple yes or no.

[Poppy47]

I lived with sexual incompatability for years also due to my late husband's illness. No resolution possible.

 

It eats away at love and intimacy. One day you wake up and find out you no longer feel close to that person. That's when I looked outside my marriage.

 

My xMM had lived with the same for all his marriage. He didn't resolve his issues and regretted it at 65 when we met.

 

Not sure where you should post this. As they say, fix it or leave it. It's the decent thing to do for everybody involved.

 

Poppy.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm the first one to chime the "Love isn't enough" given my personal experiences with love, marriage and sexual incompatibility BUT I'm not sure I'd agree with Central in chucking it all away just yet.

 

Yes, you're both so young to be going through this and although men and women reach their sexual peaks at different times, this shouldn't be as much of an issue as it is this early on in your relationship.

 

Having said that, I don't think it's right nor fair to abandon your relationship especially with someone you hold dear without at least giving it a serious go and that includes communicating more and at the very least, getting some professional therapy both individual and couples.

 

It's clear your partner has some issues that belong to HER and nothing you say or do can or will change that. SHE has do the work to get to the bottom of it so she can feel more comfortable with herself and see herself as a sexual being.

 

At the same time, you need to be understanding and know that even if she throws herself into seeking answers to better your sexual relationship it will take time. Sometimes LOTS of time.

 

Regardless of anything, nothing will work unless you're BOTH in it together and on the same page. If she doesn't feel there is a problem or has no interest in working things out either as a couple of personally, resentment WILL set in. Trust me.

 

Does your partner know how much the lack of sex is concerning you? Does she seem receptive or defensive when you bring it up?

[central]

Me and my girlfriend; have the same humour, like the same shows, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same tastes, high five and all that jazz.

 

Obviously we're sexually incompatible sexually, really can that ruin all of that positivity? This is the most important question I feel I can so please you're honest response would be much appreciated, even if it is a simple yes or no.

 

First of all, humor, tastes in shows and music, etc., are superficial things. Compatibility is about deeper values: beliefs, ethics, attitudes, compassion; a desire to help each other be happy and grow as individuals and as a couple; mutual respect; sharing and communication; future goals and ambitions; and a reasonably similar sexuality, which means frequency (which may require some compromise, but will not work if significantly different), passion (you both desire each other a lot, regardless of mutually agreeable frequency), and range of sexual activities you both enjoy - and few if any that you really want but your partner will not satisfy.

 

My ex and I had the love, and the compatibility - except sexually. Over time, it destroyed our ability to be happy together and grow together. We were constantly in a state of tension that could not be resolved - since she could not become HD, and I could not become LD, and the difference between us was too great to compromise. It wrecked the relationship and the marriage, and slowly killed what love and respect we had for each other as we could not - and so would not - supply what the other needed.

 

And sexual intimacy IS a need. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, or try to tell you that sex is all you think about, or that you're a pervert, or never satisfied - those are shaming tactics LD people sometimes use to justify their lack of interest. Most "normal" (a loaded word!) people bond and grow closer through sexual intimacy, so the lack thereof lets them drift apart.

 

Yes, the positivity is ruined. Some people stay in long-term sexless relationships. It's best to not get into such a situation in the first place, rather than face unhappiness and - in many cases - divorce later (especially once kids are involved, it is a nightmare of emotional nastiness).