Family issues after mother dies unexpectedly. Help!

[Patrice]

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Easter Sunday. She either had a massive stroke, or an aneurysm. I had spoken to her, as we were enroute to spend Easter with she and my family. When we started driving down (my son and I), my phone rang and we were told to go the ER. When we got there, it became evident that she wasn't going to make it. We opted to take her off life support, and stayed with her until she passed.

 

One of my brothers was on the other side of the bed, and was twirling her engagement and wedding bands, as we waited for her to pass. When we went to make arrangements for her - her wedding band and engagement ring were missing. There was a police investigation at the time .. and they could pinpoint who was around her body between the ER and the morgue at the hospital. No one has been accused of taking the rings.

 

Fast forward .. .both of my brothers, have decided they do not want to be in contact with my father. My mother was the peacemaker in old rifts in the family. My father is 80, so the lionshare of his care in the previous months has fallen on me and my sister. In effect, my Dad has lost his wife of 57 years, two sons, their wives, and 5 grandchildren.

 

My Dad, has tried to get things reconciled, but has had no luck. Today, he accused one of my brothers of taking her rings. He is adamant about what he saw that day, and is now intent on removing both brothers from his will.

My sister and I have asked him not to do it, but he will be meeting with his lawyer tomorrow. My sister is the executor of the will, and we are both Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy contacts for him.

 

I don't want to get involved, as I am grieving the loss of my mother ...

 

Any thoughts? I don't care about money or the rings, (my mom wanted me to have them). Should I attempt to bring everyone together, or simply leave this alone right now. I am at my wits end, at the cruelty directed at an 80 year old man.

[eye of the storm]

I am sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking.

 

As to the will, if your father is in sound mind...you have to let him do it.

 

Is he doing it because of the rings? is he doing it because he has been written off by his sons? is he doing it because you and your sister have stepped to care for him?

 

None of it matters. The money/assets are his to do with as he pleases.

 

Inheritances are not earned. They do not belong to you. They are gifts. And can be given or withheld all at the giver's desire.

 

Again, I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

[Tayla]

Sincerely would like to say, this loss is to be regarded for you and those who loved her dearly. She will be missed for times to come. Be gentle to yourself.

 

To your brothers, they carry their own way of grieving....

 

To your Dad, gosh what a way for him to endure these golden years. My heart goes out to him as well....Sometimes such a loss can set other actions into motion. He is certainly making wise choices after the behavior of the sons.

 

Most hospitals do an inventory count of the patients belongings upon arrival. This includes jewelry and valuables. I've yet to see that not be the case. Technically the hospital is accountable until proof of the ring is found .

 

An heirloom such as this can be such a sorrow...since it was your mothers wish. I totally understand that. Its the gesture and the passing on to a family member....

 

Take each day as it comes...you deserve to be gentle thru this ongoing process.

[nescafe1982]

OP, my heart goes out to you. Your mother's death is tough enough without these emotional shock waves to further complicate things.

 

People can get remarkably covetous when a family member passes. They get scared, they get emotional, and this often leads to petty and even unethical behavior.

 

I'm so sorry that the rings have gone missing. I think you're taking the right tack to not focus your energies on that mystery.

 

As for your brothers and your father, I would advise against trying to force a resolution to that conflict. Here's why:

 

1) you're grieving. And you have a right to grieve in peace. In your time, and in your way. On your terms. Be kind to yourself during these months. It's already a blessing that you are helping your father out during this time. Your plate sounds more than full at the moment.

 

2) there is a risk, too, that any intervention in the affairs of your relatives will produce nothing but further conflict. You say your mother was the family peacemaker and you are tempted to take that role. But I wonder if stepping into that breach might only result in your brothers and/or father resenting you for stepping into their financial affairs.

 

For those reasons, I think doing nothing is the best course of action... for now. And you know, the moratorium can always be revisited at a later time (meaning, you can step away from this issue for now, and intervene later if you need to). Your father can change his will if he wants; your brothers can cruelly cut him out of their lives. But they may realize on their own, after this emotional acting out (and it seems to me to be a bit of 'acting out) that they have made a mistake.

 

I would recommend you do what you can to stay close with them all, and take extra care of yourself as you weather this storm.

[Patrice]

One year today ... after her death. The brothers have cut my Dad out of their lives, and taken the grandchildren with them. It's been a healing year, and back and forth to make sure my Dad is okay. Lots of joys this year that the brothers have missed out on ... a son on to medical residency, weddings, holidays ... I don't get the thinking. The will - my Dad cut them out, then my sister and I persuaded him to put them back in - as we don't need the money and it would not have been what my mother wanted. Peace!