My Fiance is a Wallflower, I don't want to have to baby her for the rest of our lives

[Comet Dust]

I just want to get some of your insight on this matter. I'm

engaged to a great girl. She's kind, beautiful to me, funny, caring, very

loveable. I've been with her 2 years now and we plan to marry in the fall.

 

The thing that's kinda bugging me is, She is a bit on the Shy/Quiet side around most

people, unless she's super comfortable with them. She can be super loud and

laugh out loud(i'm talking cute LOUD chuckles) around me or around people

she's cozy with, HER family but can also be VERY Anti-Social around my friends or

MY family. it's totally fine when it's just the two of us and we do a lot of stuff together,

but whenever she has to fly solo or we she my parents, she's Very Anti-Social.

 

I've read a few posts in this section in particular and I'm working on helping

her break out of her shell. I mean, I can be shy at times, But even if i'm uncomfortable,

I still make an effort to be kind and polite and "TRY" to have a good time in uncomfortable

social situations....She on the other hand can appear rude and aloof, because she gets very

quiet and just looks bored and just tries to disappear. We'll always have to leave early or

something, because she's so uncomfortable. Yeah it bugs me, but I love her.

 

My Mom loves her, but I know she has some minor problems with the way my girl acts.

My mom says she was the SAME exact way, so she's always been a bit sympathetic, but

now i think it's starting to bug mom. She brought it up the other day. She offered some

advice to her, thru me, regarding the way my girl looked at a recent Family Get-togther.

She said she noticed my Girl was acting very aloof and wasn't very playful with the little family

kids and that she should learn to be more playful with them and relax, if she's going

to be in the family. That kinda bugged me.

 

Honestly I really don't care what my mom thinks of anyone I date or plan on marrying, My mom has

always been the kind that's tried to fix me up with gals in her office or someone she thinks would be

perfect for me. I always hate that.

 

But Honestly, My Fiance's Anti-Social behavior does bug me a tad, because it's always like pulling teeth to get her

to go out with me with a friend of mine to dinner or on a double date with friends (that we both know)

If it's Just The Two Of Us 24/7, she's fine with it. If anyone else is involved, she's a wallflower.

 

I don't care what my thinks, I'm the one who's marrying her. But I do wish she could be a little

more outgoing. I don't want to feel like i have to baby her the rest of our lives.

[westernxer]

Well, she probably won't change, but if she doesn't get any worse, call it a victory.

[sarah12]

I agree with westernxer. She won't change, and these are the things you will have to talk through with her. Maybe she doesn't understand how much it does bother you and that it is a serious issue of concern.

 

It's true that your mom isn't the one marrying her, but this girl is going to be a part of the family so I can understand your mom's concerns. She wants a daughter in law who will feel comfortable around her because that's what family is about. Also, I can see that although you say you don't care what your mom thinks, part of why you are writing here is because it does bother you just as much.

 

To be quite honest, this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life so it's time to start making those changes now. 2 years is very short compared to a lifetime. I know a guy who's had a girlfriend just like yours for 6 years now and he still isn't sure if he wants to marry her. As his friend and speaking for the rest of our friends, we aren't too fond of the girl no matter what the guy says. She makes no effort to get to know us and vice versa, and from what I hear, the same goes for his family. He's given up on trying to get her to come out with the rest of us. She'll do it for about 2 or 3 weeks, once every year and a half, and then nothing.

 

You're going to have to decide now if this is something you can live with, if familiy and friends are important enough for you to have your future wife fully included in that part of your life. Everyone has different levels of need so no one can make that decision for you but you. If you couldn't already tell, it's not something that I could personally live with because I want my future husband to be involved in every part of my life as much as I am, including my family and friends. But everyone is different.

[Comet Dust]

Sarah12,

 

You know what, you're right. Although I don't agree with everything my mom says

or does or how she handles things, I do in someways care about her wanting to know my

Fiance and have her fit into the family. It's touching. But at the same time I don't

want her to interfere or tell my wife how to be. I know my fiance isn't that good with

kids, she hasn't had the experience, and Yeah, i noticed what my mom noticed.

 

My mom can be overly dramatic and emotional and nit-picky, and i've always

complained about it, but I do love her. She's just been very judgemental I think at

times and I don't want to be like that.

 

But am I being too Nit-Picky? Nobody is perfect, I know i'm not perfect. I just fear that i'd be too

insensitive and selfish for ending things with my girl, just because she has problems

with being social. But at the same time, yeah, family and a few good friends and being kind

and outgoing are things I believe in. I love my girl to pieces, but i feel like were headed

for problems down the road, if things stay the same.

 

She avoids too many situations for my comfort. She doesn't have many friends, so she's with me

all the time, which I don't mind too much. But Sometimes I need a break, but then I feel bad for having things

to do, when She doesn't have friends to hang with. But I know that's not my fault. I also would

love to be able to have mutual friends we could go out with. But she's just such a chicken

when it comes to going out with people, Major Self-Esteem issues. She complains about

not having anything intellegent to talk about to others because she's not in school & hasn't found

her career goal yet. But She's not out there trying to tackle anything.

 

I don't know. I really want to think about where this is going, i feel like i've just gone

along with it because I lover her and I enjoy her company and being with her tremendously,

but I'm starting to get tired of being the Outgoing one, with the Wallflower girlfriend.

[sarah12]

I agree that some moms can be overbearing, but as you know, there is some truth in their words.

 

 

But am I being too Nit-Picky? Nobody is perfect, I know i'm not perfect.

You're right that nobody can be perfect and you know you aren't either. The key is to find that level of un-perfectness that you can live with.

 

The main concern I'd have with a wallflower fiancee, is how they would deal with having kids. Have you talked about having children and how to raise them? Does she want kids? You can tell alot about a woman by the way she is with kids (your mom knows more than you think). If she has a hard time being affectionate with them, then she will have a hard time with her own children when the time comes. Babies need affection from their mothers, especially in the formative years. Also, if she has self-esteem issues, how is this going to affect the children as they are growing up? Children need the support of their parents to boost their self confidence and esteem.

 

I love my girl to pieces, but i feel like were headed

for problems down the road, if things stay the same.

You've mentioned a few times that you love her. What do you love about her? Do you love that she loves you so much? Or do you love her as a person? How is she different from another nice, funny, beautiful, caring girl? I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that you should never settle, and the above mentioned qualities describe about 99% of the girls that I know. Find the girl that you can connect with on all levels, the one that just blows you away with how well you fit together, almost like you had known the person your whole life, because so much of who you are, is so much alike who they are. A lot of this comes from how you were raised in your respective families, and I suspect that your family and hers are somewhat different. Yours is more open, whereas hers may be more closed. I once went to a wedding where I thought the father of the bride described the union of the two beautifully when he said that this was not just a marriage of two people, but a marriage of two families. When I was younger, I would have gawked at the statement and wondered, what the hell, it's MY wedding, not my parents'. But as you get older and more attached to the family, you realize that it couldn't be more true. Ok so maybe I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here as to what I'd expect from a future marriage/husband. But it seems that you are on somewhat the same page as I am about how important family and friends are and how we'd like to include our SO's in that part of our lives.

 

She doesn't have many friends, so she's with me

all the time, which I don't mind too much.But Sometimes I need a break, but then I feel bad for having things

to do, when She doesn't have friends to hang with. But I know that's not my fault.

This isn't good. A relationship between two people doesn't mean you don't have your own life as well. What happened to life she had before Comet Dust came around? It was only 2 years ago. Did she leave everyone else behind?

 

She complains about

not having anything intellegent to talk about to others because she's not in school & hasn't found

her career goal yet. But She's not out there trying to tackle anything.

So you're the leader and she's the follower. Don't expect this to change much either in the years to come. This is a characteristic about her and likely a pattern she's had her whole life. If she hasn't gone out there to try and tackle something by now, especially at a time when she knows that she's about to get married, then getting married isn't going to help it much. It depends how much this bothers you though, I don't want to feed ideas in your head if you're fine with her life choices, about whether she finds a career or not.

 

 

I don't know. I really want to think about where this is going, i feel like i've just gone

along with it because I lover her and I enjoy her company and being with her tremendously,

but I'm starting to get tired of being the Outgoing one, with the Wallflower girlfriend.

 

I would suggest holding off on the marriage thing until you know you can live with this, or make some changes. You can't marry someone because they are in love with you. You deserve to be as happy as you can be, and so does she.

[Comet Dust]

You are SERIOUSLY making me think here, Sarah...

 

She's never had tons of friends to begin with. When we 1st met, she had a best friend she

was always with. Friends since H.S. But as soon as we started hanging out more, she

little by little, stopped calling her friend. She'd call, but my Fiance wouldn't call back.

She also has a really good friend who calls her from NYC all the time, a gal who likes her a lot and

grew up with her but my fiance never calls her back. When I ask why, she says it's because she has nothing to

report and feels dumb since her friend is in college and is taking a stab at a career and

My girl is not. I try and encourage her, but to no avail. She even complained the other night because

a friend of hers from work Asked if she'd like to go out and hang out sometime, But my girl

said "Ugh, i don't need friends, I just want to spend my time with you" (meaning me)

 

I DO love her. I love the person inside and the things she likes, the music she listens

to, the fact that she's not superficial and doesn't care about material things, the way she

loves me. But the relationship isn't 50/50. I do a lot and I always feel like I'm the one in charge,

and I don't like that feeling. I don't feel like I can depend on her to take care of things.

 

The reason this is so heavy on my mind lately is also because I fear that she's Only into us getting

married and into planning a wedding, because she has nothing else going on and it would be

an accomplishment for her. I don't doubt that she loves me, I just think a wedding is something

she can put herself fully into, and she likes that feeling.

 

I just want her to find something else to do, something productive, I don't think she'll

be happy as a house wife, and I don't want her to have to be that. She's "O.K." with kids, not

super good, but O.K. But she lacks experience, she was the baby in her family and always had

stuff done for her.

 

I have no doubt she would love our baby if we have one (we have talked about it, she'd love to have one)

but I don't know if she's emotionally ready for any of that stuff, or responsible enough. I think the thought

of her playing Wife/Mother sounds fun to her, but it doesn't feel 100% right to me. I don't mind being married,

I just want her to Have SOMETHING that's not ME or US. I know she has dreams, just

no direction, no fuel. I can only encourage her so much. anyway, i should talk with her

 

sorry this is so long, I'm just venting. You've helped a lot and I appreciate all your words. Thanks.

[sarah12]

Hi Comet Dust,

 

I think it's a good idea that you are thinking about things. I mean, this is the rest of your life we are dealing with here, not just another long term relationship. Before getting married, you should question everything about yourself, her and your relationship.

 

OK, one thing I have noticed from your description of your girl, is that she may have some slight case of social anxiety. I picked up on it when you mentioned that she doesn't like to call anyone. My sister has been like this for some time now and has lost the few friends she had due to social anxiety and because she started dating a guy that she spent all of her free time with. She clung onto him until they finally broke up 2 years later. He recognized that she had social anxiety the whole time and I guess that was one of the reasons he left (although I'm not entirely sure). Anyways, I don't want to scare you, it's something that can be worked on, but I think it's important that you look into it in case she may have some symptoms of it. I'm just learning a lot about it myself as I want to help my sister through the whole thing.

 

I DO love her. I love the person inside and the things she likes, the music she listens

to, the fact that she's not superficial and doesn't care about material things, the way she

loves me. But the relationship isn't 50/50. I do a lot and I always feel like I'm the one in charge,

and I don't like that feeling. I don't feel like I can depend on her to take care of things.

I'm not a guy, but I've heard that it's hard for guys to find girls who aren't superficial. So I can understand what a 'relief' it must be to finally meet someone who isn't superficial and doesn't care about material things. However, I'm not sure how old you are, but I also know that most people my age, at least in my experience are not superficial -- I've actually watched one friend change A LOT from her superficial days to who she is now. I just wanted to stress to you that in case you wonder if there could be more for you out there, there always is. But at the same time, I don't want to discount how much this girl means to you at all. I just think it's important for yourself and the people who give you advice, to play devil's advocate and show you the truth.

 

I don't mind being married, I just want her to Have SOMETHING that's not ME or US. I know she has dreams, just no direction, no fuel. I can only encourage her so much.

I understand how you feel. I have a friend who is constantly negative and has major insecurities about himself and no matter how hard you try to bring them up, the encouragement only goes so far. I've been fed up with him a number of times and have come to realize he has become highly dependent on myself and another friend to bring him up, but if left on his own, he'd have fallen down the rabbit tunnel. He's slowly learning though, by spending a lot of time by himself and learning how to talk himself into being more positive and into achieving his goals. He's always been a smart individual and very career-oriented, and is in school now, but he's just had a hard time staying focussed.

 

You definitely need to talk to your girl and see where she stands in terms of getting herself involved in some activities outside of you. Maybe take a class with her in something fun like cooking or ballroom dancing and see how she likes it, and encourage her to take classes on her own.

 

As for the wedding, I think you are right that she does see it as an accomplishment, which is a major sign that she isn't emotionally ready for marriage. If she views getting married as an 'accomplishment,' then her next task will likely be to have children. Anyhow, is there any rush to be married? Perhaps it would be a better idea to put it off for sometime until you are 200% sure that she is ready to be your wife and mother to your children. And in order for these changes to happen, it will take a LOT of time. Only children have the potential to change over night, but by the time you get to your 20's, you aren't likely to change much, and if so, it would take years, and a lot of work on the part of the person themselves. People stay in relationships a lot of the time, hoping that the other person will change, but the reality of it is that what you see, is what you get.

 

I don't doubt that you are smart enough to know most of the things I've told you here, but I hope that it's helped somewhat, and that you do talk to her about the concerns you've addressed here.

[Comet Dust]

Sarah,

 

I agree and I thank you for your advice.

I'm going to do the best I can to lay all the cards out on the

table and change some things around. We make our own minds,

you've only helped me unlock the doors I was already thinking about

attempting to break down.

 

We get along great, And I just want to help her. I love and care about her

and I KNOW she has the dreams and talents to do something great, she just

needs a good push and I want her to have something and be able to say, "yeah

I did something, I tried some stuff, I took a shot at something"..i know she wants to,

too. She just lacks confidence. I don't want any resentment down the road, ya know?

 

I'm going to have a talk with her.

 

Thanks so much and Good luck with your sis. I wish I could help.

[sarah12]

Thank you. I wish you the best too, and please keep me updated!

[Comet Dust]

Well-

 

Over dinner last week,

I talked to her briefly about the future and about her "Having Something Else" aside

from marriage like School or a Better career-oriented job and what have you. She agreed

She wants to look into school and/or getting a different job in a field that

she's interested in, she's just been clueless as to what-to-do. Like I said, I just for her to have

her "thing". Have that passion for something else, besides us. I know she has talents

and is interested in other things, she just lacks confidence and a drive. It was just a nice casual talk.

But I've always always been enouraging to her, always been supportive and have tried to

help her out, like a caring best friend, as well as her boyfriend/fiance.

 

I want to have a more serious talk about US and our families and kids, etc. I just know it'll

be a big talk, because she gets scared if i say, "Hun, we need to talk". She hates serious

talks or conversation about her.

 

I want to get her to feel comfortable talking to or being around my mom or my family or friends.

We get along GREAT together, But other people have to be involved as well. I don't think she "gets" that.

My mom has never been mean to her or evil or anything. My mom will send her little sewing type things

she's made for her or cooking books she's bought for her that she's thought she could use, And My girl Never

sends her a thank you or An Email to say Thank You.(my mom includes her on little email Fowards)

My girl appreciates it, but always asks me to Thank her, because she's too shy.

She NEVER answers the phone at home, just lets the answering machine get it, cuz, She's

Too Scared to answer in case it's my mom or dad or work She says She just Wouldn't know what to say.

She never calls anyone back. It's Almost as if she just blows people off, hoping they'll disappear, if

she's too afraid to call them back.

 

YET, around me she can scream with joy and dance around in the house and Laugh out loud

if were at a restaurant together, around people she doesn't even know, but can't relax in

front of my family or friends.

 

If things don't get better and she doesn't learn to be more Strong and a little bit more Outgoing,

At least to reach out a bit to my mom or family or friends who have always been super nice to her,

and accomadating to her, I'm going to be miserable in a marriage with her, I know it.

[sarah12]

Hi CometDust, I'm glad that you've talked things over with her - that's great! A few comments..

 

I know she has talents and is interested in other things, she just lacks confidence and a drive.

It's good that you are encouraging her lots, but the key is for her to be able to do this on her own eventually, if possible. You can only do so much without actually doing everything for her, and frankly, you will likely have to push her like this for the rest of your lives. It's very difficult to build confidence in a person and keep it up there. A friend of mine did this for 7 years with her ex bf, (also a friend of mine) and I watched her constantly struggle to hold him up, only to get so far. He's on his own now and just learning to build the confidence in himself, but it's difficult and the process is extremely slow. I've had to be there for him on several occasions to take the ex gf's role as the motivator, and it has been extremely draining to keep pulling someone up who has little to no motivation on their own. I suggest you push her to a certain extent and then let her be and see if she can hold up her own for a while with the courses she wants to take.

I want to have a more serious talk about US and our families and kids, etc. I just know it'll

be a big talk, because she gets scared if i say, "Hun, we need to talk". She hates serious

talks or conversation about her.

She is going to have to learn how to have serious conversations about herself. likely that she's never opened up to anyone about feelings about herself before. It's difficult at first but ease her in slowly. You'll have to be careful with words here and try to bring it up as if you are brainstorming ideas about the future..i.e., what do you think our kids are going to be like? wouldn't it be great if you and my mom could babysit together? or take turns babysitting? i think you'd get along great with (insert familiy member here)..and see what she says, ask her what she feels and thinks.

 

She NEVER answers the phone at home, just lets the answering machine get it, cuz, She's

Too Scared to answer in case it's my mom or dad or work She says She just Wouldn't know what to say.

She never calls anyone back. It's Almost as if she just blows people off, hoping they'll disappear, if

she's too afraid to call them back.

Ok I think I mentioned in an earlier post that she may have some symptoms of social anxiety. Did you look into that?

 

If things don't get better and she doesn't learn to be more Strong and a little bit more Outgoing,

At least to reach out a bit to my mom or family or friends who have always been super nice to her,

and accomadating to her, I'm going to be miserable in a marriage with her, I know it.

CometDust, I want to commend you for your efforts so far. Keep trying and try and stay optimistic as much as possible. But realize that it does take time for someone to make these changes, and we are only human and can only do so much. Keep trying as long as you are not destroying yourself and your happiness in the process. Yes, we sometimes do make some big sacrifices for the important people in our lives, but everyone has their limits and you will have to define yours.

 

Keep posting, I'd like to hear how things are going. And also feel free to PM me if you'd like.