mnd1022 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now. We're both in our late 20s and have lately been talking about marriage and moving in together. We get along really well, and rarely ever fight. Last spring, about 10 months into our relationship, he wanted to break up with me but we talked it over and decided to stay together. Ever since than our sex life has been dwindling, at times it feels like we are more friends than we are boyfriend and girlfriend. There have been times where we go over 2 months without having sex. Recently, after discussing engagement rings, and me sending him a few that I like, I got curious and decided to do some snooping to see if he even looked at them. Once he said something and I had gotten excited, he stopped talking about it completely. The same thing happened about a year ago when we had talked about moving in together. I went even further and looked through some of his facebook and noticed some messages between him and another girl, recently. The night he was messaging her I know he was drunk, and he was asking her to come over and watch a movie. I went further back and a little bit after the time he had broken up with me there was a message from him to her, and the essence of the message was that she left him and he was upset about it. Currently she is engaged and just bought a house with her fiance. Any messages between them after the day he asked her to come over, he was pretty much blowing her off as if it never happened. In anger, I blocked her from him on facebook and changed her number in his phone. Since than I've been checking to see if anything else pops up. I noticed the other day that he had another e-mail address that he doesn't use as his main one. In there is where I found that he had been talking with an older guy about getting together and doing things... all the e-mails back and forth indicated that it never happened, but it had happened in the past (when I am not sure because there were no e-mails before they started talking again). These e-mails go from about January-May of this year, and after that my boyfriend stopped responding to this man's e-mails. I know a lot of people will say to leave him, but I can't help but think this is partially my fault. I've never been good with discussing my emotions, and I'm not good with initiating sex. From what I'm reading online is that men can tend to drift away when they don't feel like they are wanted and aren't getting the emotional connection that they need. I've made steps towards improving things between us and have been opening up a lot more lately. His attitude and actions have dramatically changed towards me since than, and there have been no attempts on his part, from what I can see, at trying to cheat. Once again he brought up buying an engagement ring, and this time I can't help but think he is really going to do it. The last time he mentioned it to no one, this time he posted something about it on social media. He's been more loving and affectionate than he has been in probably a year. So, my question is, do I say anything and risk the chance that it ruins our relationship, or do I let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Sorry your story seems a bit vague? i am unable to connect the dots that mean he cheated with another man? All i know is he 'spoke' to an older man, what exactly did they say to each other? If they did talk about sex then your bf is gay or trying to make money?? (gross) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mnd1022 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 The emails going back and forth were talking about how they should get together again sometime soon. They talked only about giving each other blow jobs, nothing about sex. He had told me he was bisexual once before and then later on played it off as a joke, even though I told him it didn't really matter to me one way or another. Although I didn't see any emails before this point there is a high probability that when they first got together that it was during our relationship just based on what they were saying. Regardless of whether or not they did, I still consider flirting and talking about doing sexual acts (in the manner they were) as cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalMinds Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Maybe he felt like experimenting, maybe he (like you said) didn't feel as wanted anymore because your sex life is at a low point. To be honest, I would try to ignore it and leave it in the past. I can imagine it will be very hard to do though. What caused me to say this is that his behaviour has changed now, he's more loving so it seems and more connected to you since you opened up more. I'd say keep it like this and you'll grow closer to eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I know a lot of people will say to leave him Leave him. It is not your fault in the slightest. He cheated on you. That is never justified. It doesn't matter whether it's with a younger girl or an older man or a goat, cheating is cheating. Whether you're good at discussing your emotions or not, cheating is not the solution. That shows he has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship. Do not marry a cheater! What do you think will happen if you do? I'll tell you. He got away with it totally Scott-free this time, so he will think he can get away with it again, again, and again. the problem is not that you don't discuss your emotions. The problem is that he is a cheater and has no moral boundaries and no respect for you. If you marry this guy you need your head read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Maybe he felt like experimenting, maybe he (like you said) didn't feel as wanted anymore because your sex life is at a low point. To be honest, I would try to ignore it and leave it in the past. I can imagine it will be very hard to do though. What caused me to say this is that his behaviour has changed now, he's more loving so it seems and more connected to you since you opened up more. I'd say keep it like this and you'll grow closer to eachother. This is the worst advice on the PLANET - unless you like burying your head in the sand because it's so nice and warm around your ears. Good lord. I'm not quite sure if you live in Bill Clinton territory, but if your boyfriend was talking to another man about blow jobs, that IS sex. What do you mean they 'didn't talk about sex?' I can't wrap my brain around your fixation on getting that engagement ring from him like it's some kind of prize when you've found clear signs of him cheating on you. And then you blame yourself for it as though his nauseating behavior was somehow justified. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of cheating, lying, and STDs. You're also setting yourself up for a life of servitude to him - as long as you're umping around like a trained seal always pleasing him, he wont cheat on you. But that's where you're wrong. He'll cheat again. I guess you don't think you deserve better than this guy? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Personally...when someone has desires for the same sex...it will rear it's head again in your relationship. That's the biggest worry in your post. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 How in the world could this be any of your fault. I can't think of anything my wife could do to cause me to want to suck another man's dick. Think about it, it makes no sense. You BF is a closeted homosexual...end of story. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I will tell you this....when you are big fat and miserable with pregnancy and rearing little ones he will stray again for that easy carefree blowjob from another man to escape the stresses of home life, guaranteed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Do NOT accept an engagement ring from him until: - You have many detailed conversations about his bisexuality, his sexual needs, his definition of faithfulness, and you are satisfied that his answers align with your values - You are confident that he isn't cheating, and have no need to snoop in his email because you know he isn't cheating. - You are able to bring up and discuss any issue you are worried about without fear that he will leave (and/or with the knowledge and acceptance that if this conversation causes him to leave, you are better off!) Why do you believe that if he gets you that engagement ring, it magically changes who he is? YOU need to get these answers before you decide to commit your life to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Run as fast as you can. This is TOXIC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 The emails going back and forth were talking about how they should get together again sometime soon. They talked only about giving each other blow jobs, nothing about sex. He had told me he was bisexual once before and then later on played it off as a joke, even though I told him it didn't really matter to me one way or another. Although I didn't see any emails before this point there is a high probability that when they first got together that it was during our relationship just based on what they were saying. Regardless of whether or not they did, I still consider flirting and talking about doing sexual acts (in the manner they were) as cheating. I had a bf the same when I was around 20...I ran into him again when we were around 35....he's been married twice, had sex with me while he was engaged to the current wife (I didn't know about her) and bragged about the guys he picked up in gay bars for a BJ. I'd steer well clear of this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts