Is my wife "Asexual"?

[gsryan1204]

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and dated for 2.5 years before that. When we first started dating we were all over each other everything from oral to intimate sex. The honeymoon period lasted about 6-8 months and we would "hook up" nearly every day. That normalized to once or twice a week as our relationship grew. Once we got married it all changed pretty dramatically...

 

Now we have sex about once a month, alcohol usually needs to be involved and the mood just right. Additionally, it almost always seems like a chore for her. We only have sex if I either give her a massage first or in the shower so its "easy to clean up". I love to give oral, but she typically declines and if I do go down we aren't allowed to kiss afterwards... She dislikes open mouth kissing and here is the kicker: She has masturbated ONCE in her entire life! She said it didn't do anything for her... (Mind boggling to me) She claims that she climaxes almost every time we have sex, most of the time its from foreplay when I am massaging her with my fingers (I find it hard to believe that she does every time)

 

I have tried bringing toys into the bedroom, asking if she has any fantasies she would like to play out (she has none), I have written her sex stories, tried to "sext", role play (Worked once, I was a masseus...surprise) but nothing really seems to excite her. The only thing that seems to work at all is to give her a massage... that's been going on for 3 years and its frankly getting boring, but beggars cant be choosers right?

 

I stopped being the one to initiate sex years ago because I got shot down so often it was wearing on me. Now we only have sex if she brings it up... A few weeks ago I got so resentful that I declined her invite. She had just gotten out of the shower and knew that we hadnt done it in a month so she wanted to fill her quota. It made me mad because the way she was approaching it was like a chore and I wanted nothing to do with it. She was obviously hurt that I denied her and all I said was "just think about all the times you have done that to me?" (I know its not very nice... I was being a jerk)

 

Even non-sexually she is basically a "touch-me-not". She doesnt like to show affection very often, and only occasionally likes to cuddle in bed (which I hate, 1. I am too warm and 2. I get horny because we havent had sex in a month!)

 

When we got married, I only really knew about the oral rule, and that she never masturbated. I just thought she was a little OCD... Im starting to realize it might be something more and I feel like a fool. My real question is this: Is my wife Asexual? Has anyone ever dealt with this? If she is, how can I bring that up in conversation?

 

She knows that I am unhappy with the amount of sex we have. A lot of times we will wake up in the morning and she will say "I guess we should have had sex last night..." How do you respond to that??? I usually just laugh it off and say "its fine"

 

The worst is when I buy flowers or take her to dinner and she will even hint at sex later in the evening. "Maybe later we can have some fun?" I get so excited about the thought and then 85% of the time she falls asleep before the lights are off. We even took a vacation a few weeks ago with friends. We had our own hotel room, no kids, no dogs, just us. We went out had a blast with friends got tipsy at some bars and we were feeling really good! When we got to the room, what do you know? she is fast asleep!

 

I just dont know what to do anymore or how to even start the conversation. We have talked about it before and she gets so upset and down on herself its hard to talk through. I love her and dont want to hurt her but this is tough for me. All I really want is to be intimate 3 to 4 times a month and for her to really enjoy it and be into it like she was when we were dating.

 

Any advice would be extremely appreciated!!!!

[oldshirt]

have you been able to draw any kind of correlation between her consenting to sex once a month to her menstrual cycle? Once a month sex if it occurs approx the same time every 4 weeks is what is known as "ovulation sex" and it is basically her body telling her it's time to have sex do to her ovulating.

 

 

Only having sex at that time is often a sign of lack of basic sexual attraction to you.

 

 

Needing the alcohol is also a strong sign indicating an attraction issue.

 

 

Her insistence that she never masturbates and never fantasizes is likely BS. Here's the catch, women don't discuss their fantasies or masturbatory habits with men they aren't attracted to. She may be having plenty of fantasies and she may be taking matters into her own hands, but she's not going to tell you about it.

 

 

The fact that you had an active sex life in the beginning may be a positive note. Unless she did a total bait-and-switch to get a ring on her finger (which is a possibility since the sex spigot turned off once you were married), she may have been attracted to you in the beginning. And if that is the case, there is a chance you may be able to get some of that back but you are going to have to do some hard work on yourself and there is no guarentees of success.

 

 

You need to check into the books and video series by Athol Kay. Female attraction in the context of marriage is what his "Married Man Sexlife" website, videos and books are all about.

 

 

There may be a good chance that have simply lost your balls and your masculinity as well and have been catering to her every whim and trying to appease her which has made her lose even more respect and attraction for you. The book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover is a must read as well.

 

 

 

 

This is actually a very serious situation and you need to act fast. You are at a very real risk of her becoming attracted to another man in which case you will soon hear the words, "I love you but not in love with you" and by the time those words are spoken she either is or will soon be involved with someone else. Her seeming to be asexual to you is a very false sense of security. You may feel she is asexual but it is actually that she is only asexual WITH YOU. If some other guy lights her fire, she may become very sexual with him very fast. Do not take this lightly. You need to act very fast.

[Davey L]

I can also recommend Athol Kay's book, it helped me.

[Dolfin80]

Women's sex drive decreases because:

 

Testosterone decreases with age - at 40 you have 50% less than a 20 yr old

Testosterone decreases when you have children

Sex drive decreases for women in long term relationships

 

Hormone replacment therapy - testosterone cream can help some women

Testosterone dilates all the blood vessels which enables blood flow to the sex organs so u can orgasm. It also spikes during ovulation. It is the reason why you have thoughts of arousal.

[Be_Strong]

I'm in total agreement with oldshirt. I'd say there is an extremely high probability that your wife is simply lying about masturbating. And not only is she probably lying about only masturbating once and "not doing anything for her", but I'd bet she regularly masturbates.

 

Your wife is not asexual. She's just currently asexual when it comes to you. Under the right circumstances with the right person, she would immediately spring right back to that woman who was wanting to have sex daily. I'd guess that your wife is probably confused about her lack of attraction to you and lack of interest in sex with you and is feeling highly guilty and depressed about it. She may even be thinking that there is something wrong with her.

 

The danger here is what oldshirt mentioned. If your wife is hit with an intoxicating dose of attraction towards another man, she'll interpret it as not being in love with you anymore. She'll realize that, no, she isn't asexual (maybe she has been wondering the same thing as you), and she just needs a different person to awaken those desires again.

[basil67]

All that sex you had at the start of your relationship proves that your wife isn't asexual. The cause of her low libido is something else.

 

If she wants to find an answer, I'd strongly recommend she reads the book by Dr Rosie King: Where Did My Libido Go? It covers many potential causes of lost libido in an easy to read and sympathetic format.

[gsryan1204]

Interesting and terrifying responses! Haha

 

Maybe you're right about the attraction thing. Just not sure what else I can do about it... I workout 6 days a week and have a six pack, cant do much about my face, but its not like I have pimples everywhere. I started working out a lot about a year ago because I suspected what you all suspect about it being her attraction to me. I had the quintessential "dad-bod" and figured she didn't like that. It could be my personality that she isn't attracted to though I suppose? In that case, not much I can do, that is who I am.

 

I do however strongly disagree about the masturbation issue though, we have lived together since before we were married and are almost always around each other. (Pee with the door open kind of thing) I know, romantic. I just would have thought that in all that time I would have caught her or even suspected it. She doesnt own any toys so it would have to be with her hands if she did it.

 

As for the ovulation cycle, she is on nuvaring birth control. Takes it out once every 4 weeks. And when I think back, we do seem to have sex about the same time every month, right after she puts the BC in. These are the most recent dates that we have had sex:

7/9, 8/7, 9/11, 10/12... So i guess we are due to have sex again next week! wahoo!

 

I will check out those books for sure, I am willing to try anything at this point.

 

Thank you,

 

-Ryan

[oldshirt]

Do check out the books ASAP because there are a number of other things you can do besides have a 6pack.

 

 

There are a lot of things you can do to make yourself more desirable and sexy. The thing to remember is if you get yourself so that you are a desirable man in general, if she still doesn't want you, someone else will and at that point you can decide if you want to live a celibate life or move on to someone that wants you.

 

 

I would also look into the BC ring itself. If it's a hormone eluting ring, that can be a contributing factor as well. For some women, hormonal BC can really do a number on their libido. I guess that helps the effectiveness of the birth control if they never want to have sex.

A change in BC may help give her libido a little boost.

[MJJean]

I'm a high drive woman. Always have been. I love sex and have been sexually active since I was 15.

 

I don't masturbate. Masturbation doesn't do much for me. Sure, I could make myself orgasm. But it's boring and empty. I need partner sex to really enjoy arousal and orgasm.

 

So, if your wife claims to not masturbate or that she doesn't enjoy masturbation, she might be telling the truth.

 

Did the big drop in sex happen around the time she began using the Nuvaring? Hormonal birth control can diminish sex drive.

 

How does she feel about your new body? Is it possible she was more attracted to your "dad bod"? I know it might sound odd, but I am actually turned off by flat tummies and six pack abs. I like a lil chub on men. Maybe she was attracted to your old body and the more muscular you isn't her thing.

Edited November 3, 2015 by MJJean

[gsryan1204]

I just bought the book on my iPad and am going to start reading today! Thanks for the advice!

 

As for the nuvaring she has been using it since she was 15. We are 27 now. So that has been consistent throughout our relationship.

 

Glad to hear the masturbation thing isn't an anomaly though, but she definitely has a lower libido than you MJJean.

[Be_Strong]

Interesting and terrifying responses! Haha

 

Maybe you're right about the attraction thing. Just not sure what else I can do about it... I workout 6 days a week and have a six pack, cant do much about my face, but its not like I have pimples everywhere. I started working out a lot about a year ago because I suspected what you all suspect about it being her attraction to me. I had the quintessential "dad-bod" and figured she didn't like that. It could be my personality that she isn't attracted to though I suppose? In that case, not much I can do, that is who I am.

 

I do however strongly disagree about the masturbation issue though, we have lived together since before we were married and are almost always around each other. (Pee with the door open kind of thing) I know, romantic. I just would have thought that in all that time I would have caught her or even suspected it. She doesnt own any toys so it would have to be with her hands if she did it.

 

As for the ovulation cycle, she is on nuvaring birth control. Takes it out once every 4 weeks. And when I think back, we do seem to have sex about the same time every month, right after she puts the BC in. These are the most recent dates that we have had sex:

7/9, 8/7, 9/11, 10/12... So i guess we are due to have sex again next week! wahoo!

 

I will check out those books for sure, I am willing to try anything at this point.

 

Thank you,

 

-Ryan

Honestly, you could look like a supermodel and your wife may still not be attracted to you. There's a lot of really good looking men out there who have had wives that cheated on their husbands with far less physically attractive guys--and the husbands don't understand how the wife could be attracted to (in the husband's mind) a completely inferior male.

 

The fact of the matter is that certain women will gradually place their husband in the "friend zone" after a long period of domestic habitation. In other words, the wife will begin to look at their husband more as a brother than a romantic partner. They will love them like a family member and friend--but there's zero romantic spark left. Once you understand that concept, you'll see why it could make zero difference how much you improve your looks physically. No matter how good looking your sibling is, there will be an inherent aversion to having sexual contact with them.

 

There are a number of books that provide instructions to husbands to get out of this friend zone and be looked at as a romantic interest again.

 

Regarding the masturbation, as others have said, its definitely possible that she isn't interested in masturbation, but don't discount the possibility that its happening just because you think you'd know. I was shocked relatively recently by my wife who finally disclosed that she frequently masturbates. For years in my marriage I had no idea and would never have thought she did for the same reasons you stated--we always lived close together and very open, and I've never caught her or suspected anything. But when you think about it, you're not monitoring your wife 24/7 and there are plenty of opportunities where she can take care of business.

[oldshirt]

I just bought the book on my iPad and am going to start reading today! Thanks for the advice!

 

As for the nuvaring she has been using it since she was 15. We are 27 now. So that has been consistent throughout our relationship.

 

Glad to hear the masturbation thing isn't an anomaly though, but she definitely has a lower libido than you MJJean.

 

Don't sweat the masturbation thing for now, that is her businesses and you have other things to work on for now.

 

If down the road you find out she is taking care of herself daily and leaving you out in the cold, then it will need to be addressed but untill then work on the other things first.

 

The ring is absolutely an area to look into. That may very well be a factor in her libido.

 

You still want to work on the attraction issues however. If the ring is causing some libido issues, you want to be the one she is attracted to and there when her mojo kicks back in and not some other dude.

 

Read as many of the Athol Kay books as you can and check out that website and forum ASAP.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I second looking into the ring. Of all the bc's ive ever tried, it had the most devastating effect on my libido. Upon further research, i learned that it is associated wih much higher rates of other side effects than other types of hormonal bc, too. She has been on it for a while, but in the early stages of your relationship, the novelty factor may have been enough to overcome the effects of the ring.

[N2053]

We only have sex if I either give her a massage first or in the shower so its "easy to clean up".

 

The shower thing strikes me as a sign that something is really off the rails. Is this a new development? Was she insisting on having sex in the shower when you were dating? A lot of young married people with kids experience these dry periods and usually both partners are to blame in some way. But the only-doing-it-in-the-shower thing could be a red-flag that there is a bigger issue here.

 

Does she know that you are dissatisfied with your sex life? It sounds from your post that you kind of beat around the bushes about it or are not very direct.

 

I think first things first you need to be direct and vocal that you need more, but keep an open mind that she may be as dissatisfied romantically in some fashion as well and that you may have to step up your game in some way.

 

If it keeps up I would seek out a marriage counselor or sex therapist.

[gsryan1204]

Yeah she knows i am unhappy and we have talked about it before but it usually doesn't go anywhere. I plan on having a conversation with her again to see if we can see someone about it and work through it. But first I am going to read this Athol Kay book because I suspect that I fall into this "nice guy" category and have been thrown into the friend zone. But I would not be opposed to professional help as well.

 

Thanks!!

 

You all are very helpful, I am glad I found this forum!

[gsryan1204]

The shower thing strikes me as a sign that something is really off the rails. Is this a new development? Was she insisting on having sex in the shower when you were dating? A lot of young married people with kids experience these dry periods and usually both partners are to blame in some way. But the only-doing-it-in-the-shower thing could be a red-flag that there is a bigger issue here.

 

In regards to the shower, can I ask what is it that alarms you so much? She has almost always like doing it in the shower but more recently (Last 2 years?) I have realized that she enjoys the convenience of it vs the actual pleasure.

[N2053]

Well, the way you framed it, it sounded like the real reason she liked being in the shower is because it's "clean" or it's easy to get "clean". That combined with your statement that she won't kiss you after you give her oral leads me to believe there may be some negative feelings about sex in general.

[N2053]

*on a side note: maybe it's just me but I always thought having sex in the shower totally sucks. The water kills any kind of lubrication down there, someone is always out in the cold, you gotta stand up the whole time. . . no thanks

[gsryan1204]

*on a side note: maybe it's just me but I always thought having sex in the shower totally sucks. The water kills any kind of lubrication down there, someone is always out in the cold, you gotta stand up the whole time. . . no thanks

 

Hahaha I totally agree, it was fun the first couple of times... but its actually really challenging and frankly dangerous!

[DKT3]

Ryan, I know that several have talked about your wife being in a prime position to find an emotional connection with another man, however I believe that YOU are far more likely in this situation to stray. Yeah maybe your wife lacks some physical attraction, but you have been rejected, feeling undesired, feeling unattractive questioning your sexual perfomance (you didn't mention that, but we can pretty much assume that part). You have looked inwards and found no answers. The danger is if and when another woman shows signs of being attracted to you or that she may desire you in any way you will likely be drawn to that. This part you can control, its important that you re enforce your boundaries.

 

With that said, I honest believe your wife pulled a bait and switch on you and its not an attraction thing. It was too quick of a turn around. Not everyone is a highly sexual person, hell some aren't even mildly sexual. Even if its only once a month its still a good sign that she offers sex. Many men would be happy if their wife offered sex. I wouldn't jump the gun in thinking its an attraction thing. Ask her, and then gauge her reaction.

[gsryan1204]

Ryan, I know that several have talked about your wife being in a prime position to find an emotional connection with another man, however I believe that YOU are far more likely in this situation to stray. Yeah maybe your wife lacks some physical attraction, but you have been rejected, feeling undesired, feeling unattractive questioning your sexual perfomance (you didn't mention that, but we can pretty much assume that part). You have looked inwards and found no answers. The danger is if and when another woman shows signs of being attracted to you or that she may desire you in any way you will likely be drawn to that. This part you can control, its important that you re enforce your boundaries.

 

With that said, I honest believe your wife pulled a bait and switch on you and its not an attraction thing. It was too quick of a turn around. Not everyone is a highly sexual person, hell some aren't even mildly sexual. Even if its only once a month its still a good sign that she offers sex. Many men would be happy if their wife offered sex. I wouldn't jump the gun in thinking its an attraction thing. Ask her, and then gauge her reaction.

 

Yeah, I cant lie I would be tempted but I dont think I could live with the guilt of cheating. But youre right, I think it would be hard for me to decline. I like to think that I have strong self control and willpower though (I didnt take a sip of alcohol until I was 21 despite peer pressure). But I get that sex is a whole different beast.

 

I do plan on approaching her with everything. If anything communication gaps arent going to help our marriage any so it needs to be addressed and maybe that means we include a professional.

[MJJean]

I second looking into the ring. Of all the bc's ive ever tried, it had the most devastating effect on my libido. Upon further research, i learned that it is associated wih much higher rates of other side effects than other types of hormonal bc, too. She has been on it for a while, but in the early stages of your relationship, the novelty factor may have been enough to overcome the effects of the ring.

 

And, remember, women experience hormonal shifts throughout life. If the Nuvaring wasn't lowering her libido before, her natural hormone cocktail might have changed and it could be causing problems now.

 

Definitely discuss the idea that her BC might be lowering her libido and see if she'd be willing to try another method. Even if she does switch BC, it could take months for her libido to reappear if that was the problem.

 

Well, the way you framed it, it sounded like the real reason she liked being in the shower is because it's "clean" or it's easy to get "clean". That combined with your statement that she won't kiss you after you give her oral leads me to believe there may be some negative feelings about sex in general.

Not necessarily, but possibly. Sometimes it's not about negative feelings re: sex.

 

A lot of women don't like to kiss after their partners perform oral. They just don't like the flavor, ya know?

 

And a lot of women also don't like the feel of ejaculate post sex. Not to be crude or anything, but it's messy! For a time after sex the ejaculate will...ooze?out. It can coat the vagina, thighs, and underwear. It's like walking around wearing the wet spot. It's not comfortable and can make the woman feel grungy.

 

Personally, I just keep a wash cloth and towel handy, but maybe she hasn't thought of sponge bathing to clean up afterward.

 

Condoms contain the mess and I know a few women who use them with their SOs not as BC or because they fear STI, but so that there isn't a mess. Is using condoms something you'd be willing to try if it's the mess factor?

[gsryan1204]

And, remember, women experience hormonal shifts throughout life. If the Nuvaring wasn't lowering her libido before, her natural hormone cocktail might have changed and it could be causing problems now.

 

Definitely discuss the idea that her BC might be lowering her libido and see if she'd be willing to try another method. Even if she does switch BC, it could take months for her libido to reappear if that was the problem.

 

 

Not necessarily, but possibly. Sometimes it's not about negative feelings re: sex.

 

A lot of women don't like to kiss after their partners perform oral. They just don't like the flavor, ya know?

 

And a lot of women also don't like the feel of ejaculate post sex. Not to be crude or anything, but it's messy! For a time after sex the ejaculate will...ooze?out. It can coat the vagina, thighs, and underwear. It's like walking around wearing the wet spot. It's not comfortable and can make the woman feel grungy.

 

Personally, I just keep a wash cloth and towel handy, but maybe she hasn't thought of sponge bathing to clean up afterward.

 

Condoms contain the mess and I know a few women who use them with their SOs not as BC or because they fear STI, but so that there isn't a mess. Is using condoms something you'd be willing to try if it's the mess factor?

 

Yes, I plan on discussing the BC and seeing if she is willing to change to something else, maybe have her consult a physician to see what other options are best. But I totally get that sex is messy and she may dislike the taste and that is how I have framed it in my mind for a long time. I just didnt know if I was rationalizing it and it and if there was a larger issue there.

 

I wouldn't be opposed to using a condom if the mess is the root of the issue. I care more about the intimacy of it all than the loss of pleasure in using a condom.

[qubist]

do not jump to any conclusion yet, but do not disregard any possibility. she is only 27 which is in a way scary that she'd have low sex drive at this age but at the same time encouraging because she is still young enough to correct whatever she has.

her reaction to the "messy" part of sex is not unusual, my wife is that way too. that's why I'm forced to used condoms. she even hates the smell of it afterward.

get professional help, physically and maybe mentally too

[pondhawk]

To be honest it sounds as if she doesn't have fun with sex. It sounds as if to her it's more of a chore than pleasure. She also is very self conscious of her hygiene. Does she refuse oral many times because perhaps she doesn't feel "clean" down there and doesn't want you to be put off? Worry kills the mood.

 

If I had to guess, I would say that she does not have orgasms. Could she be faking? If she is faking than yes, sex would be a chore because only one person is really getting the benefit and it's not her.

 

As someone who has faked it (I hate to admit that, but I just have problems getting there and my man gets off on seeing me "cum", it's like a form of pride for him. I do love sex though even if I don't O), although I do not turn my man down, there seems to be a routine going on.... some foreplay, I pretend to O, then I tell him it's his turn. Then I SHOWER. Every time. I'm afraid of getting a yeast infection if I don't. Anyway the point is, this has become a routine and I'm afraid the longer we're married, the less enjoyment I will have. I am fighting to prevent that from happening. I even confessed to him that I faked it (twice) but he didn't believe it...or he doesn't want to admit it.

 

She may be lying about the masturbating too. Maybe she does it to herself because she can't have an O with you and she doesn't want to admit it?

 

I'm just guessing.

 

I hope some of this helps and I hope she can learn to love intimate time with you. Perhaps counseling would help, if she's willing?