Is my wife "Asexual"?

[Miss Peach]

I agree checking into the BC. For me hormonal BC took several years but it killed my sex drive.

 

Also what does her schedule look like? Is she taking care of work, the home, cooking, kids? She could be stressed and looking at sex as another thing on the to-do list. That's not uncommon with women. That's especially why a massage might put her in the mood. I am more sexual when relaxed. I remember with my XH sex dropped to once per week and it was because I was tired from working, cooking, cleaning, etc.

 

The other one is are there any recurring fights or resentment? That's another one that kills my sex drive. Remember - Women are very mental. If she had been sexual before what changed? Is work more challenging? Do you fight more?

[Dolfin80]

Interesting and terrifying responses! Haha

 

Maybe you're right about the attraction thing. Just not sure what else I can do about it... I workout 6 days a week and have a six pack, cant do much about my face, but its not like I have pimples everywhere. I started working out a lot about a year ago because I suspected what you all suspect about it being her attraction to me. I had the quintessential "dad-bod" and figured she didn't like that. It could be my personality that she isn't attracted to though I suppose? In that case, not much I can do, that is who I am.

 

I do however strongly disagree about the masturbation issue though, we have lived together since before we were married and are almost always around each other. (Pee with the door open kind of thing) I know, romantic. I just would have thought that in all that time I would have caught her or even suspected it. She doesnt own any toys so it would have to be with her hands if she did it.

 

As for the ovulation cycle, she is on nuvaring birth control. Takes it out once every 4 weeks. And when I think back, we do seem to have sex about the same time every month, right after she puts the BC in. These are the most recent dates that we have had sex:

7/9, 8/7, 9/11, 10/12... So i guess we are due to have sex again next week! wahoo!

 

I will check out those books for sure, I am willing to try anything at this point.

 

Thank you,

 

-Ryan

 

Being on the Nuvar ring means she doesn't ovulate at all. It's just like the pill accept its administer throught the vag instead of the mouth - so those dates you quoted are irrelevant to ovulation

[oldshirt]

Being on the Nuvar ring means she doesn't ovulate at all. It's just like the pill accept its administer throught the vag instead of the mouth - so those dates you quoted are irrelevant to ovulation

 

The body still goes through various cycles even though actual ovulation may be blocked.

[Dolfin80]

The body still goes through various cycles even though actual ovulation may be blocked.

 

Synthetic hormones prevent FSH and LH production so your hormones are stabilised whilst you take the pill the same time everyday (or ring).

 

How do birth control pills work? | Go Ask Alice!

[oldshirt]

Synthetic hormones prevent FSH and LH production so your hormones are stabilised whilst you take the pill the same time everyday (or ring).

 

How do birth control pills work? | Go Ask Alice!

 

Right, but he stated she takes it out every 4 weeks which I assume so that she will still have a monthly menstrual period just like several BC pills in a pack are placebos so that women will still have a menstrual cycle while on the pill.

 

BC may fool the body into thinking it's pregnant and preventing actually releasing an egg, but your body still strives to maintain some of its natural cycles.

 

Either way you slice it however, any kind of hormonal BC can have a significant impact on a person's libido.

 

Worrying about unintentional pregnancy and fiddling with condoms and creams etc can be a mood killers too so you kind of have to weigh all options.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes, I plan on discussing the BC and seeing if she is willing to change to something else, maybe have her consult a physician to see what other options are best. But I totally get that sex is messy and she may dislike the taste and that is how I have framed it in my mind for a long time. I just didnt know if I was rationalizing it and it and if there was a larger issue there.

 

I wouldn't be opposed to using a condom if the mess is the root of the issue. I care more about the intimacy of it all than the loss of pleasure in using a condom.

Not for nuthin', but how about YOU pick up the responsibility for contraception for a HUGE change? This woman has been screwing with the chemical/hormonal makeup of her body for over 10 years and you've done NOTHING.

 

You seem to think that contraception is only HER responsibility.

[Hopeful714]

I love you Lois.

[Popsicle]

She'd be better off with one of those guys who is ok with not having much sex while married (enough of them exist), and you'd be better off with a woman who wants to have an active sex life while married (enough of them exist). Neither of these types are hard to identify if you pay close attention and don't project onto them.

[LonelyLou]

Not going to read any replies till I post this, so apologies if I step on toes or say something already said.

 

I am in 95% the same position. Gone from once a week to... Well I'm up to 3 times this year! If it makes you feel better:

- wife has NEVER masturbated

- not allowed to go down on her at all

- a massage sounds fun compared to the snoozeworthy foreplay I have to endure, which is the main reason I've given up asking (20% sucess rate and why bother, Rosie Palms gives me as much affection)

- we have no kids, so no excuse

 

VERY frustrating. Getting very resentful of her, getting up the courage to ask why she won't give me any affection and is there anything she wants to get off her chest. I'm not one for ultimatums, so there won't be any of that, but I think she needs to be aware that I'm very unhappy and feel she doesn't love me. If she doesn't, we'll deal with that. If she does she needs to decide whether she can give me the things I need. I expect this will end up in couples therapy, but I want to plumb every option first.

 

So rant about myself aside, you're not alone, if you have a solution I'm all ears. If you need to talk it out, message me and I'll be happy to compare notes.

 

Ok, hope the other replies are positive, let's have a read.

[Dolfin80]

Lonely lou,

 

Did she show signs of asexuality before you married her? I'm asexual and it's kinda hard to hide, you basically never feel like having sex with your partner. My last partner was asexual too (phimosis as well) we only had it once a year...lol....

 

Talk to her about asexuality she may not know about it. I didn't really know until my 30s there was a name for it.

 

Alot of women are asexual.

[LonelyLou]

Lonely lou,

 

Did she show signs of asexuality before you married her? I'm asexual and it's kinda hard to hide, you basically never feel like having sex with your partner. My last partner was asexual too (phimosis as well) we only had it once a year...lol....

 

Talk to her about asexuality she may not know about it. I didn't really know until my 30s there was a name for it.

 

Alot of women are asexual.

 

We used to have sex at least weekly and she seemed to be into it. I have theories but this isn't my thread so I'll keep them mum.

 

What I REALLY logged on to say (at work no less!) is 'A lot of women are asexual I have no doubt, but considerably more just don't want to sleep with me!'

 

Let's go with the odds here! :S

[MissCongeniality]

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and dated for 2.5 years before that. When we first started dating we were all over each other everything from oral to intimate sex. The honeymoon period lasted about 6-8 months and we would "hook up" nearly every day. That normalized to once or twice a week as our relationship grew. Once we got married it all changed pretty dramatically...

 

Now we have sex about once a month, alcohol usually needs to be involved and the mood just right. Additionally, it almost always seems like a chore for her. We only have sex if I either give her a massage first or in the shower so its "easy to clean up". I love to give oral, but she typically declines and if I do go down we aren't allowed to kiss afterwards... She dislikes open mouth kissing and here is the kicker: She has masturbated ONCE in her entire life! She said it didn't do anything for her... (Mind boggling to me) She claims that she climaxes almost every time we have sex, most of the time its from foreplay when I am massaging her with my fingers (I find it hard to believe that she does every time)

 

I have tried bringing toys into the bedroom, asking if she has any fantasies she would like to play out (she has none), I have written her sex stories, tried to "sext", role play (Worked once, I was a masseus...surprise) but nothing really seems to excite her. The only thing that seems to work at all is to give her a massage... that's been going on for 3 years and its frankly getting boring, but beggars cant be choosers right?

 

I stopped being the one to initiate sex years ago because I got shot down so often it was wearing on me. Now we only have sex if she brings it up... A few weeks ago I got so resentful that I declined her invite. She had just gotten out of the shower and knew that we hadnt done it in a month so she wanted to fill her quota. It made me mad because the way she was approaching it was like a chore and I wanted nothing to do with it. She was obviously hurt that I denied her and all I said was "just think about all the times you have done that to me?" (I know its not very nice... I was being a jerk)

 

Even non-sexually she is basically a "touch-me-not". She doesnt like to show affection very often, and only occasionally likes to cuddle in bed (which I hate, 1. I am too warm and 2. I get horny because we havent had sex in a month!)

 

When we got married, I only really knew about the oral rule, and that she never masturbated. I just thought she was a little OCD... Im starting to realize it might be something more and I feel like a fool. My real question is this: Is my wife Asexual? Has anyone ever dealt with this? If she is, how can I bring that up in conversation?

 

She knows that I am unhappy with the amount of sex we have. A lot of times we will wake up in the morning and she will say "I guess we should have had sex last night..." How do you respond to that??? I usually just laugh it off and say "its fine"

 

The worst is when I buy flowers or take her to dinner and she will even hint at sex later in the evening. "Maybe later we can have some fun?" I get so excited about the thought and then 85% of the time she falls asleep before the lights are off. We even took a vacation a few weeks ago with friends. We had our own hotel room, no kids, no dogs, just us. We went out had a blast with friends got tipsy at some bars and we were feeling really good! When we got to the room, what do you know? she is fast asleep!

 

I just dont know what to do anymore or how to even start the conversation. We have talked about it before and she gets so upset and down on herself its hard to talk through. I love her and dont want to hurt her but this is tough for me. All I really want is to be intimate 3 to 4 times a month and for her to really enjoy it and be into it like she was when we were dating.

 

Any advice would be extremely appreciated!!!!

Okay at the risk of coming off completely weird. Have you tried spicing it up? I mean really SPICING IT UP. For example she sounds more take charge then you. I'm guessing she likes making the rules?

 

Here's an idea try chasity essentially it's when a woman puts a man's penis in lock up and controls when he gets to masturbate and have sex. I know it sounds odd but a lot of men (their cuckolds) get off on it.

 

I also think you should try things that aren't necessarily 'sexual' like BDSM wise she you say she has no fantasies? I don't buy that sex is wired into the human brain and is necessary to reproduce it's as natural as breathing. I imagine she's likely repressed.

 

I have another question when she does have sex what exactily happens? Are you more dominant than usual or are submissive? Are you absolutely certain she's not interested? Has there ever been a moment when she said she wanted something and you said no?

 

Has she suffered any traumas? Last question have you gained weight lost your job do you sit around the house doing nothing? From her perspective how would you describe yourself?

 

You either don't share the same sexual interests, are doing something to turn her off, completely mismatched and need to reconnect, or you need to let her take charge or vice versa.

 

Now here's what I suggest show some humility. This is going to sound weird but here I go buy paddles, whips, collars, handcuffs, a ball gag, get your self all set up and let her come home to find you in the bedroom restrained. Be sure to have a note ready like "Do whatever you want with me." Taped to your chest.

 

I get it I sound weird but depending on her reaction you'll know one of two things. If she laughs at you she likely will enjoy your humiliation, and might have a kinky side after all. If she just unbinds you and says "What on Earth are you doing?" At least you can get conversation started.

 

Besides maybe she'll start kicking you in the balls and love it. Some women do that kick men in the balls for fun. The point I am trying to emphasize is YOU DONT NEED SEX TO HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER.

 

Also if sex isn't the issue for her try being more romantic. Do things she wants to do. Maybe she'd like putting you in chasity and get a rush from deciding when you got masturbate and have sex. She sounds like she'd get a kick out of that. People who 'don't' have fantasies might need a gentle nudge or need to be inspired.

 

If I'm completely wrong and she likes being submissive you should try and be more assertive in bed maybe tie her up and spank her? Make her ask for permission to cum. Tie her to the bed and blind fold her that way you could use ice cubes and feathers.

 

Personally I'm probably going completely off here but I figure you might need some advice on the kink department most of the stuff people consider kinky is actually pretty tame. Just becareful because a repressed person is like a damn you let all that out at once you'll have a nasty flood on your hands.

 

To find out if she's Dom or sub just examine her behavior and yours you may think your in charge but might find with some observation that's not the case. Also pay attention to what makes her smile and gets her in the mood if she likes teasing you then yeah she's a key holder that slang for a woman with a man in chasity for those that don't know. Not going to lie her saying "Maybe later we can have some fun?" only to fall asleep or then not do it and also saying in the morning "I guess we should have had sex last night..."

 

Makes me think you are probably making her feel obligated which is not good. I also think she likes to make you want it. Probably how she punishes you for pressuring her.

 

Just make it about her like ONLY ABOUT HER. Do only what she wants not what you want not what you 'think' she wants.