Almost a year NC

[DonRemmy]

I'm male, 29 - Been single for almost a year. Broke up with ex GF (26) in December of last year.

 

We had been dating for almost 3 years before breaking up. Basically she was ready to take the next step and move in together. I wasn't ready for that. So we decided to break-up mutually. Other than that we had a happy/healthy/loving relationship. Leading up to the 3 year mark there was more mounting pressure and some disagreements, but we really never fought seriously..We shared a lot of the same interests and values.

 

She was ready to make a commitment and I guess I got scared. She's really a beautiful person, and sometimes I think I doubt I'll find someone as special as her again.

 

Here's where I make myself look kind of bad.. Basically it came down to being afraid of missing out on experiences with other women. I felt too young to settle down. I wasn't ready to fully commit myself. I wanted the relationship, but I also wanted the thrill of the chase of someone new. I found myself missing that and unwilling to let go of the glory days. I saw all my friends dating multiple girls and I guess I got jealous of their stories.

 

Anyway it's been almost a year broken up now. We have had zero contact. I know it was/is on me to initiate contact again. She was the one willing to give it a shot, I was the one to essentially walk away.

 

Looking back maybe it needed to happen. I don't think it's fair to her, or myself to not be fully committed.

 

The problem is even though it's been almost a year, I still think of her all the time. I can't get her out of my head. Just like I hadn't fully dropped the idea of being a single guy, I haven't given up the thought that we're not ultimately going to end up together.

 

I've dated plenty since breaking up..But I've never given any of these girls a shot because my heart is still completely with my ex. I've also lost control a bit at time with alcohol/drugs and ultimately depression.

 

From what I'm told she's been dating someone new for a few months. I actually don't think I'm in a place to be getting into a relationship still.. And it seems like she's moved on from me to some degree. I just really miss her, and I don't want to never talk again.

 

I was thinking of just writing an email to her though... Just something quick to say that I've missed her and always cared about her. I just don't want to lose touch forever.. Maybe in the future we could catch up.

 

Is that crazy? Should I just let it go?

 

A real conversation would probably crush me. Particularly knowing she has a boyfriend. So just a simple note maybe? Or will that just open a can of worms? I don't want to mess with her current relationship, or cause her pain either.

 

I feel like she thinks I never cared about her and it couldn't be further from the truth. The ball was in my court to reach out and I never did.. I never did anything rash and drunk text at 3am.. I was just silent. I feel guilty about that. What if circumstances change in a year or two, and I don't want her to think I never cared.

 

This was way longer than I thought it was going to be. So if you've read this far, THANK YOU.

 

I appreciate any thoughts/comments. Even if it's to tell me I'm an ******* and to leave her alone.

[loveiswar101]

Hey bud. it's the old 9/10 the grass is not so green on the other side. But hey what is done is done.

 

The choice is really down to you on if you do or don't contact her. Who knows how she processed what happen when you broke up.

 

 

First option I feel is that your not ready to open this can of worms yet and maybe could just let this go and put it down to a great experience with a great gal. My choice, move on. plenty of fish in the sea (trust me I'm in same boat as you and so hard to say that).

 

Second option and if you want to try and open the door you could, but take into account she is with another guy and this should be respected i think.

 

Definitely do say you miss her, way to needy. Probably go with more of "Hi, hope your well, been a while, work is crazy but would love to catch up in a few weeks if free"

 

If she agrees then go for a drink with NO hopes but have fun, letting her come to you, if she want.

 

But be prepared for the obvious and accepting where she is and that she has probably moved on.

 

Hope helps.

[DonRemmy]

Thanks for the message.

 

Yeah I'm not trying to break up her current relationship.. So I would definitely want to respect that. The way you worded the email was way better too.

 

I don't think I'm ready to get back into anything.. So I don't know if going to coffee would be a good idea. I just want to remain in some semblance of contact.

 

I feel like if I don't reach out soon, then I probably won't ever. I know it happens, but emailing out of the blue in a couple years would make things more difficult.

 

Right now I sort of have an excuse tor reach out. "Hey it's been a year..Hope things are well.."

 

I didn't want to put any other motive to my email.. But she could misinterpret that unless I'm more clear.

[loveiswar101]

Thanks for the message.

I don't think I'm ready to get back into anything.. So I don't know if going to coffee would be a good idea.

 

I didn't want to put any other motive to my email.. But she could misinterpret that unless I'm more clear.

 

Catch 22 here my friend and decisions need to be made. I'm going to be upfront and honest.

 

You say you're not ready to get into anything, so why contact her? It seems here you want your cake ad eat it. You can't commit yet don't want to lose her.

 

And

 

You want to contact her but have no substance or intentions behind contacting her. Coming over weak.

 

Choice 1 - Leave her alone move on.

 

Choice 2 - Contact her with intentions of catching up. But knowing she's with a guy and could be very happy and you are now not on her radar. This will though put you out there and may show her your around if all fails with her man down track.

 

Take into account if you catch up you go in there with the attitude of friends only (she's in a relationship), do not talk about old stuff. Just hang out have fun. Remember she's not heard from you for a year.

 

Best can offer.

[dumbass2]

"I've also lost control a bit at time with alcohol/drugs and ultimately depression."

 

"From what I'm told she's been dating someone new for a few months. I actually don't think I'm in a place to be getting into a relationship still"

 

Do not contact her. leave her alone and deal with your issues first. It's not fair to her and especially since she may be in a relationship and you're not sure what you want. I think you would be incredibly selfish if you did right now.

[FancyFace]

Just leave her be man.

 

I feel like you are trying to absolve your guilt for the choices that you made but those emotions and feelings are things that you will have to work out for yourself instead of walking back into her life univited and causing havoc uneccesarily. Its close to a year after the fact, the amount of work she has had to do to recover and find a new relationship should be respected.

 

It really is a case of, you made your bed, now lie in it.

[Meli22]

It's not fair to contact her with no intentions other than to catch up. No doubt she was absolutely crushed by this, and it seems she is trying her best to move on with someone who doesn't wonder what else is out there. Unless you're dead set on wanting to reconcile, I'd steer clear. Any contact with her could completely mess with her head and set her back. It seems like you like the thought of being single but don't want to lose her completely. But you took that risk when you left her. Let this be a lesson: the grass isn't always greener.

[DonRemmy]

I didn't expect this much certainty from everyone to not contact her. It makes me really sad. So I guess anytime you break up from anyone that's the last time you'll ever speak to them?

 

I had a long term relationship with a girl a while ago and we still stayed in contact for a while until it trickled off naturally. This being so abrupt doesn't feel right. I just want to say hi.

 

Anyways. I'm thinking maybe I won't. Everyone here is probably right but it's upsetting. I even hung out with some people tonight where they say 'Hey have you spoken to ___ soon?' 'You guys were great together, what happened?' It sucks to hear stuff like that.

 

I guess I'll leave her alone. I really do appreciate everyone weighing in, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. That's fair though. Thanks.

[loveiswar101]

I think it's not that everyone's trying to be negative, it's just natural for you being single or alone (like me) to put the feelers out to your ex, but please look at the big picture.

 

1. She is in another relationship.

2. Can you REALLY just be friends?

3. NC is for you...it helps you heal, move on.

 

Took me 6 months to around today to actually accept I'm not together with my ex, yes I miss her but the 2 things I do know for a fact are.

 

1. If I contact her i'm only taking off the band aid and pain will come. I DO NOT WANT THAT PAIN AGAIN.

2. If it's mean't to be she knows how to get hold of me.

 

That what keeps me in NC and slowly and more slowly im getting better.

 

You will too. !!!

[Meli22]

I didn't expect this much certainty from everyone to not contact her. It makes me really sad. So I guess anytime you break up from anyone that's the last time you'll ever speak to them?

 

I had a long term relationship with a girl a while ago and we still stayed in contact for a while until it trickled off naturally. This being so abrupt doesn't feel right. I just want to say hi.

 

Anyways. I'm thinking maybe I won't. Everyone here is probably right but it's upsetting. I even hung out with some people tonight where they say 'Hey have you spoken to ___ soon?' 'You guys were great together, what happened?' It sucks to hear stuff like that.

 

I guess I'll leave her alone. I really do appreciate everyone weighing in, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. That's fair though. Thanks.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow but unfortunately that's the risk that comes with leaving someone. A lot of exes do remain in sporadic contact but sometimes the break up has been that messy or painful that any future contact just isn't going to happen. Id say unless you want her back, stay away.

[y_t]

Hey bud. it's the old 9/10 the grass is not so green on the other side. But hey what is done is done.

 

The choice is really down to you on if you do or don't contact her. Who knows how she processed what happen when you broke up.

 

 

First option I feel is that your not ready to open this can of worms yet and maybe could just let this go and put it down to a great experience with a great gal. My choice, move on. plenty of fish in the sea (trust me I'm in same boat as you and so hard to say that).

 

Second option and if you want to try and open the door you could, but take into account she is with another guy and this should be respected i think.

 

Definitely do say you miss her, way to needy. Probably go with more of "Hi, hope your well, been a while, work is crazy but would love to catch up in a few weeks if free"

 

If she agrees then go for a drink with NO hopes but have fun, letting her come to you, if she want.

 

But be prepared for the obvious and accepting where she is and that she has probably moved on.

 

Hope helps.

 

I know it's with good intentions, but as someone whose relationship ended under similar circumstances (dated for 4 year and I wanted to move in together he did not) I would not have liked receiving an e-mail from my ex saying what you're suggesting. The only e-mail I would have accepted is one where he expressed his genuine feelings for me.

 

As a matter of fact the ex who didn't want to take things further with me did send me an e-mail after six months of NC. His e-mail said that he missed me, but was also very casual and short. Just said we hadn't talked in a while and he was looking to catch up and missed me.

 

It honestly pissed me off and I didn't respond. I didn't expect or want a novel from him professing his undying love, but after all the pain I had gone through it just didn't seem appropriate. It was a bit too cool and casual. Some acknowledgment of where we left off would have been nice.

 

After a year of NC we ran into each other at a super random place where he said the things I wanted to hear. We both cried and he expressed how much he loved me and missed me and why did I not respond to his e-mail.

 

I told him his e-mail was too casual. Two lines about lets get together and catch up after he broke my heart! Pfft no way!

 

After meeting that evening we've been back together six months now and have been doing better than ever. I guess that year apart really taught us something

 

Everyone is different, but I wanted to share my reaction to a casual e-mail.