Says she needs space in a LDR

[Brady_to_Moss]

So i have met this girl online about 8 months ago. I visited her twice (she lives in NC....me in MA) And she came up to see me twice..last time about a month ago.

 

We fell hard for each other at first. Always talking..txting late at night. Everything. Visited her..right after the plane a huge kiss and hug. Entire time there holding hands..talking. Being intimate. Same with when she came up about 3.5 weeks ago. We out in Boston...Bruins game..ect ect. Kissing..the normal. And at this point i gave her a promise ring. And she almost started crying saying she loved me so much ect. And it was just an amazing feeling to have someone feel the same and headed in that direction

 

We said i love you at about 3.5 months in. I mean the feelings were just so strong..it was strange..and she was the one who said it first..i didn't feel comfortable until about 2 weeks later but when she said it..i was kind of feeling it as well.

 

But now our communication has really been in the dumps even a week before she visited. Now i don't know if it's because she's losing interest..someone else...or it's her problems. She works a lot..a lot and gets stressed easily. She really misses home. (she from NJ) and she misses her friends..grandma..and gets really down when she gets in this stage. The other day she txted me saying (i am starting to pull away..i feel smothered..i always pick up my phone and there are txts from you...but it was always like that before and not a problem so i didn't think anything of it) Because i guess i was txting her too much. And i was but we always did that so it just became normal for me and i told her that. That's when she said she just needed space and i say okay.

 

The next AM she txted basically saying " i am going through a lot and i just need to fix these problems on my own ( i don't like being bothered when i get like this)..(she's very independent BTW so i can see why she felt smothered?) She said "it doesn't mean i love you more or less...it just means i need space right now" And i said i understand. 3 days later (which was 3 days ago) while in Italy she sent me a snapchat of her promise ring which she knows i love seeing..so i took that as a good sign? She always use to say i love you or miss you..those stopped about a week ago now

 

I went on a trip to Italy and i am here now about to leave...and not once she even asked how i am doing..how the trip is ect. Is this weird? Normal? I sent her a few messages and snapchats of all my adventures but nothing (smothering) at all.

 

I know space is normal in a relationship...but long distance space? It just seems like all the communication has been bad..not as many picture sending (sexy photos) She will be on twitter ect but just ignore my txts even before she said she needed space when she would never ignore them...she says she isn't by her phone a lot...but i find that had to believe but idk

 

i brought up our communication isn't good and she got defensive and that's when she went into the..i am pulling away..you are smothering me ect ect

 

It seemed lik i lost her and her not seeming to care about me and just my trip or just about things in general..scares me..yet she will send that random picture of her and her ring a couple days ago

Edited November 3, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[ExpatInItaly]

So you've only met in person twice, and she needs space? Space from what, exactly?

 

I'd say it's coming to an end, OP. It sounds like things were quite rushed and you had fun in the honeymoon phase (or as much as possible, given how little time you spent together) but it's wearing off now. I'd simply ask why she's sending pictures of the ring. To me, it seems like a ploy for attention while she figures out if she wants to continue this. Is she seeing anyone else?

 

Sorry, man. I'd call this off.

[Brady_to_Moss]

So you've only met in person twice, and she needs space? Space from what, exactly?

 

I'd say it's coming to an end, OP. It sounds like things were quite rushed and you had fun in the honeymoon phase (or as much as possible, given how little time you spent together) but it's wearing off now. I'd simply ask why she's sending pictures of the ring. To me, it seems like a ploy for attention while she figures out if she wants to continue this. Is she seeing anyone else?

 

Sorry, man. I'd call this off.

 

Seen her 4 times

 

She said space from me always "txting her a lot..and she can't give me all the attention i want right now due to the **** she's going through." Honesty i saw this first coming in...at times she seems very bipolar. But i dealt with it fine. But i always txted her like i did saying i love you...telling her funny things that happened throughout the day ect. And i just don't get anything back anymore it seems.

 

The ring picture to me means....she still has strong feelings or some feelings for me as she's wearing it still.....but either wants me to chill big time..or like you said is questioning what she really wants.

 

Either way right now my plan is to contact her very little in the next few days and see what happens. Will she txt? Will she send me pictures on snapchat or her usual "sexy photos"?

 

She use to always txt...(well went in stages..say 4 days in a row..then 3 not or around there...of waking up and txting me.."good morning..i love you" since she works earlier then me. But i haven't gotten any of those in a week or maybe even longer? And the other AM before my trip to Italy i said...I really missed your morning messages...and she went off saying..god forbid i am busy or had to rush into work" It takes what...2.3 seconds to write that message? That's when she said she felt smothered.

 

I am going to really...really chill on talking to her..if at all here for a few days or longer since she "needs a break" If she really wants to be with me..she will come back and make an effort...if still nothing..i know what's up. I am not giving up hope yet...but i am getting there...and it sucks becasue i really do feel love twords her...she just fits me so well and the way i feel when talking and when i have seen her every 2-3 months is just..a smile on my face every time

 

She is suppose to be coming up Late DEC again to stay with me for a few days...we will see...

 

As far as seeing anyone else....i don't think so...maybe talking to someone else back home? Could be?

Edited November 3, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[lolablue17]

When a girl who lives with her Bf together in a small loft, says she needs space, I still don't really believe her.

 

But when (your case) a girl who lives in space outside the solar system says she needs space, do you still ask yourself "is she honest"? come om... I

[OnlyHonesty]

''I need space'' is just a code word for ''I want to break up with you''.

[Brady_to_Moss]

''I need space'' is just a code word for ''I want to break up with you''.

 

Ill know soon enough as i am calling one night/talking to her when i get home to talk about her upcoming trip here and see if she backs out becasue i have a feeling she may..then i will know.

 

Now if she is still going through and buys the plane ticket with me online...what would you say then? Still something there

 

 

I know LDR rarely work. Especially when communication gets like this (on her side of the relationship...not mine) Her mom lives up here and she talks about moving up here to be closer to her and closer to me becasue she can't stand not being around family and this is when she gets in these..don't talk to me depressed stages. I swear she's bipolar but who knows.

 

It's been like 2 weeks of very little talk. Those 2 weeks she worked 15 days strait as basically came home and just was in a ****ty mood..i could tell..with everything but still...if you're in a relationship..you make time for your partner and not be selfish. The first 3 months or 4 months she was the one who was smothering actually...but now i guess i am? That's where i think the bipolar comes in

 

And that ring picture she sent me 4 days ago..confused me...if she is in fact pulling away or lost the love for me (as it would have been before that point)..why the picture?

Edited November 4, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[ExpatInItaly]

The behaviour you're describing sounds more like a rather young woman who doesn't really know what she wants, is maybe a bit impulsive, but not Bi-Polar Disorder. How old is she?

 

I would scale way back on contact, as you've done. She is clearly not happy with the way things are going right now. I would not count on a December visit just yet. See how the next couple of weeks ago and then re-address. If she still needs space, I'd say it's time to end things. There is a big difference between being busy and not being able to keep up with texting, and asking for space in an already-long-distance relationship.

[Brady_to_Moss]

The behaviour you're describing sounds more like a rather young woman who doesn't really know what she wants, is maybe a bit impulsive, but not Bi-Polar Disorder. How old is she?

 

I would scale way back on contact, as you've done. She is clearly not happy with the way things are going right now. I would not count on a December visit just yet. See how the next couple of weeks ago and then re-address. If she still needs space, I'd say it's time to end things. There is a big difference between being busy and not being able to keep up with texting, and asking for space in an already-long-distance relationship.

 

I am 26 about to turn 27..shes 25 about to be 26...Both born in DEC.

 

Yeah i am scaling back the txting a lot ect. I am almost home from my trip am i have maybe sent her 3 messages. 1 of which i got a reply.

 

Like i said earlier in a week or two we need to talk about this trip and go over dates and flights ect..so when i bring that up..i will be able to tell right away or she will tell me " something came up ect ect" then i will know.

 

I think she does somewhat know what she wants...well at least based on talking to her...she's ready to settle down...has had enough of the guys screwing her over or just having hookups and when talking to her i can really sense this. So i know she wants to start a life with someone soon or look for someone else like that ( i am in settle mode as well) and we just clicked so well...love the same sports teams...we talks sports ect..we have a ton in common.

 

So i will just have to cut it back and hopefully she will realize what she would be missing with this little to no contact..if i get nothing back after not really talking to her..i know she really doesn't care about me...unless of course there is someone else...which in a LDR...you don't know unfortunately. The love word has been gone for a while now...well she mentioned it a week or so ago when talking about how "it doesn't mean i love you more or less" ect ect. when i first mention that our communication sucks.

 

So if i was in her situation and she went on the trip i went on..i would still send a txt or two saying something like..hope the trip is going well..can't wait to hear about it...and just leave it at that...but i got nothing. But i guess everyone is different or the feelings are fading...just so confusing to figure out and if say in 2 weeks i still have nothing..i am just going to flat out say...where the **** do we stand becasue i need to know.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[Brady_to_Moss]

I would scale way back on contact, as you've done. She is clearly not happy with the way things are going right now. I would not count on a December visit just yet. See how the next couple of weeks ago and then re-address. If she still needs space, I'd say it's time to end things. There is a big difference between being busy and not being able to keep up with texting, and asking for space in an already-long-distance relationship.

 

 

So now that i am home from my trip...i sent her a simple message saying..."hope all is well hun"

 

She says " i am actually exhausted..just worked a 55 hour work week and not off again till friday. I am headed to bed soon. Glad you made it home safe"

 

She will say she's going to bed..but she will be on twitter 2 hours later talking to people..IG posting pictures..aka not going to bed and pretty much just saying i don't want to talk to you indirectly

 

it's a pretty ****ty feeling when you're the one trying to put in all the effort to make it work and the other person no longer does the same. She use to...when she was super busy one day a couple months ago she wrote a long message saying sorry i haven't been available to talk ect ect .."i am all in"

 

She's the type of person to say what's on her mind...very blunt and that's what i like about her. So i wonder if she is/was waiting for me to get back from my trip to break it off..or if she's waiting for me to bring it up again because she knows i hate this no talking thing so she can break it off becasue she's to afraid to.

 

I really really don't want this to end...but i feel like she wants this "space" so she can let me down slowly rather then all at once... I hope i am very wrong about this..but my gut feeling.

 

 

I will post updates along the way.

Edited November 8, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[oldshirt]

Ok lets have a little reality check. First off lets skip the part about electronic LDRs aren't real and we'll look at some of the other parts to this story but we'll come back to it later.

 

 

Let's start with running some of her statements through the Universal Euphamism Translator -

 

 

- " need space" = I am trying someone else on for size and need some time and space away from you to see if that is going to work out or not."

 

 

- "I feel smothered" = I am not as into you as you are into me and all your communications are interfering with the rest of my life.

 

 

- "I'm really busy" = you are somewhere between getting my nails done and getting the oil changed in my car on my priority list.

 

 

- "I'm going through a lot" = You may actually be less of a priority than the nails and oil in the car.

 

 

- "Hope all is well Hun." = I need to txt him back something so I at least sound like I care enough to appreciate that he is not dead.

 

 

- "It doesn't mean I love you more or less" = you are an electronic pen pal that entertains me at night, but I have things in real life that needs to be done.

 

 

- "I'm exhausted and just worked 55 hrs........glad you made it home" = Same as above - Glad you aren't dead or in some Turkish prison, but basically you are some evening electronic entertainment at the end of the day.

 

 

 

 

Add all these things up and what does it spell? It spells that you are an evening pen pal that gives her a little ego boost and some entertainment and gives her an avenue to vent her daily frustrations on.

 

 

However you aren't a real boyfriend or serious love interest. In short, this isn't a real relationship. It felt like it was to you, but she never had the same level of interest or investment. She got a little swept up by the fantasy and the fun and she had a little fun and adventure when you two arrainged to meet and do things in real life those 4 times, but she is now getting back into reality and doing things in real life.

 

 

You need to do the same.

 

 

Cont...

[oldshirt]

OK so now lets talk about electronic LDRs in general.

 

 

Let's just be blunt and get this out of the way - they aren't real.

 

 

Back in my day people had pen pals. At the end of the day people that had a pen pal would read and write a pen-and-paper letter to their pen pal and send it off via postal snail mail. Then anywhere from several days to several weeks they would receive another letter from their pen pal talking about what life was like where they lived.

 

 

It was all in good fun and spirit and people did develop some rapport. However the time lag between letters meant that people rarely abandoned their real nuts and bolts life in the physical world. Life still went on and they interacted and formed real relationships in the physical world.

 

 

Now fast forward to today and electronic communication is instantaneous and people have the options to video chat and snaptime and such and it all feels very real.

 

 

The catch though is it is still just looking at a glowing rectangle. There may be a flesh and blood person on the other side, but they are highly editing what you are seeing and hearing and only giving you the little bits of data that they want to give you.

 

 

It's not a real relationship. It's a filler. It's a place holder until they find a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in their actual place and time.

 

 

It's a pen pal in the modern age but since it's so instantaneous and the feedback is so immediate, your brain and your heart have trouble differentiate it from reality so it feels like a real relationship.

[oldshirt]

Here's my suggestion.

 

 

Take the time and energy and emotional investment that you were putting into tapping out digits and letters on a keyboard and looking at a glowing rectangle, and put it into doing things and talking to real people in the real world.

 

 

Talk to girls that live in your town and do things with them in person in the actual physical world.

 

 

don't waste your bandwidth telling me there aren't any girls where you live. I grew up in a farming community of 350 people in the middle of Midwest farm country that was 30 miles from the nearest town big enough to have a grocery store - people had dates and relationships there.

 

 

Get away from the computer and actually do things in the real world with real people. One will stick.

[Brady_to_Moss]

 

 

 

Add all these things up and what does it spell? It spells that you are an evening pen pal that gives her a little ego boost and some entertainment and gives her an avenue to vent her daily frustrations on.

 

 

However you aren't a real boyfriend or serious love interest. In short, this isn't a real relationship. It felt like it was to you, but she never had the same level of interest or investment. She got a little swept up by the fantasy and the fun and she had a little fun and adventure when you two arrainged to meet and do things in real life those 4 times, but she is now getting back into reality and doing things in real life.

 

 

You need to do the same.

 

 

Cont...

 

I think in the beginning she definitely had the same interest level if not more then me. But that has changed. Now based on what i said...if she still plans on coming up in Dec-early Jan for 4-5 days..what would you consider that..just a friends with benefits type thing?

 

What happens if in fact she does say in 4 days txt i miss you or i love you so much. Does that mean things with this say "new" person didn't work out? I am defiantly scaling back what i txt..hell i don't txt her everyday now...i use to all the time. So she's getting space..which is why in a week...10 days i am going to just say look...tell me the truth...what's up..where do you stand. Lets see what she says then

 

It's a long story but i am fairly certain she has self esteem issues based on her awful past and what has happened to her. She's always posting pictures of herself ect and i know people like that are desperate for attention and for people to give the "you're beautiful" comments. Which i gave her anyways becasue i fell for her personality...yes she's very attractive..but i love what's inside. Not just the looks and sex ect. So i think this issue with her also plays a part in whatever is going on or seeing someone else if she is

Edited November 8, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[ExpatInItaly]

I think in the beginning she definitely had the same interest level if not more then me. But that has changed. Now based on what i said...if she still plans on coming up in Dec-early Jan for 4-5 days..what would you consider that..just a friends with benefits type thing?

What happens if in fact she does say in 4 days txt i miss you or i love you so much. Does that mean things with this say "new" person didn't work out? I am defiantly scaling back what i txt..hell i don't txt her everyday now...i use to all the time. So she's getting space..which is why in a week...10 days i am going to just say look...tell me the truth...what's up..where do you stand. Lets see what she says then

 

It's a long story but i am fairly certain she has self esteem issues based on her awful past and what has happened to her. She's always posting pictures of herself ect and i know people like that are desperate for attention and for people to give the "you're beautiful" comments. Which i gave her anyways becasue i fell for her personality...yes she's very attractive..but i love what's inside. Not just the looks and sex ect. So i think this issue with her also plays a part in whatever is going on or seeing someone else if she is

 

I wouldn't even worry about this right now.

 

The bigger issue is that she is fading out. I'd say give it another week, then ask her to be honest with you. To me, it sounds like this is coming to an end. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. If she tells you the same thing about needing space, I'd say you have a decision to make. Accept that she's not committed, or walk away.

 

I don't see how her self-esteem issues are deeply connected to her request for space. If she likes and needs attention from other men, she isn't ready for a committed relationship anyway.

[Brady_to_Moss]

I wouldn't even worry about this right now.

 

The bigger issue is that she is fading out. I'd say give it another week, then ask her to be honest with you. To me, it sounds like this is coming to an end. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. If she tells you the same thing about needing space, I'd say you have a decision to make. Accept that she's not committed, or walk away.

 

I don't see how her self-esteem issues are deeply connected to her request for space. If she likes and needs attention from other men, she isn't ready for a committed relationship anyway.

 

yup..another week

[Brady_to_Moss]

Well she isn't coming in Dec...said she can't get off work (she brought it up first) and didn't seem too upset about it from txt and i wasn't happy with how it went ( i am still bummed) so i just didn't txt anything for 2 days..then the other morning she txted "i love you" (first time in weeks) but that's all she said all day

 

Giving it a few more days.....

 

But now we don't even have plans to see each other now when it was going to be late DEC/New years..so i have nothing to look forward to anymore with her.

 

I hinted tonight that i wasn't happy with how things were going to get her vibe again..and i want communication to resume like before...and i wish i could have bet the house on the answer " i am sorry i am just working so much" Yet she was by her phone for hours before that and after that. If you love someone it isn't hard to set aside even 30 min to txt back and forth. I would...and i do.

 

Why jump oceans for someone when they won't even jump a puddle for you....It just sucks it came to this...and why it came so fast after she visited and we had a great time...that's what i don't get. I can see if she didn't visit and it fading..but right after she visited?

 

Like i said in a few more days i am going to give her a choice...to work better on her communication...or this just won't work. And i know if i come out and say..."you need to work on your communication with me" i know the exact response i will get...so i already know what will go down

 

She won't be upset that it's not going to work out..becasue her actions already make it pretty clear she doesn't care how this ends...when just 6 weeks ago it was the complete opposite

Edited November 12, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[Lobouspo]

I dunno man, it just doesn't sound good. You've been a lot more patient with this woman than I would have been. LDR'S are tough as it is, and you almost have to have blind trust in these types of relationships, and with all of her online activity, who knows...........her last "I love you" seems like bread crumbs. I would simply give her an ultimatum very soon. Either she makes more time for you and some type of plan is put in place to meet up, or you tell her its over and you go NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, I just don't think this girl really understands what love is. She says "I love you" then drops contact for days. She has a very different definition of love than you (and most people) do. I don't think I'd wait around any longer. As you said yourself, her actions are speaking far louder than her words. Now you won't see each other next month. What's the point in keeping this going?

[Lois_Griffin]

Not surprised that she cancelled her December trip.

 

People do what they want to do. She doesn't want to be in constant touch anymore and is obviously doing a slow fade on you.

 

I think you've already lost if you have to give her an ultimatum that she either start acting like a girlfriend or it's over. I repeat - people do what they WANT to do, and she clearly doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

 

What's the point of an ultimatum???

[Brady_to_Moss]

Sorry OP, I just don't think this girl really understands what love is. She says "I love you" then drops contact for days. She has a very different definition of love than you (and most people) do. I don't think I'd wait around any longer. As you said yourself, her actions are speaking far louder than her words. Now you won't see each other next month. What's the point in keeping this going?

 

I am beginning to think the same...and she was the first one to say i love you..i didn't feel comfortable until after her.

 

I won't be giving her an ultimatum..i am going to come out and say what's on my mind...this isn't how you keep a relationship ect ect . If she says (Oh i am sorry! blah blah blah) I will just leave it with that and just not contact her anymore. If she gets mad and try's to make me feel bad...same thing..won't contact.

 

It just sucks so much becasue of my previous GFs (not that many...but still a few)...i have never felt feelings for someone like i have for her even if we haven't seen each other a lot. So i know it will take some time to get over this one...but i have been shielding my heart or preparing for it lately so hopefully it won't be as bad. I have kind of already come to terms with it. She just doesn't care about me. If she still cared or showed it and it was ending becasue of something...i think i would feel worse...but still not asking how my trip out of country was...doesn't seem to care about my days or anything anymore ect. And it sucks becasue i still care about her days even if i dont say it anymore to her

 

(BTW i was in Italy 1 1/2 weeks ago for the 2nd time...can't get enough! Florence...Rome...Sorrento)

Edited November 15, 2015 by Brady_to_Moss

[truth_seeker]

These LDRs are great for people who like to play the field. They got someone they see occasionally but have all of this other free time without them around for them to play.

 

She could be seeing you once a month but is only holding onto you until she finds a guy closer to her.

 

You know for this to work long term someone has to move.

[Brady_to_Moss]

These LDRs are great for people who like to play the field. They got someone they see occasionally but have all of this other free time without them around for them to play.

 

She could be seeing you once a month but is only holding onto you until she finds a guy closer to her.

 

You know for this to work long term someone has to move.

 

And i definatly feel like there is someone else...whether it be long distance again or 500 miles back home in NJ.

 

Because she sure as hell is sending someone pictures on snapchat and it ain't me anymore like it always was..every single day.

 

I told her how i feel...about not feeling wanted..not feeling loved..haven't talked in 2 weeks...only small talk in 4 weeks. And she lost it going off on how busy she is...gma has cancer again..work...yada yada yada. That all may be true..but express it to me and get mad at me for my feelings?

 

So i didn't respond back..all i said was "k"

 

 

The next day i said you need to change..big time. That's when she said..i am sorry i blew up..."we will be better soon" I said...i'll believe it when i see it.

 

She then txted me that her manager asked how her relationship was going and she told her it was falling apart "she told me this" and that her manager promised the 12 hour work days would slow. That's BS.

 

I know she has her phone..if you really cared about me..you would send me a couple simple messages to make me feel wanted...

 

All i responded was..."we will see"

 

I am done..have been for a week now...now i am just trying to get over it..

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl is full of crap. And excuses. Crappy excuses.

 

Just get rid of her. It's obviously not working.

[Brady_to_Moss]

This girl is full of crap. And excuses. Crappy excuses.

 

Just get rid of her. It's obviously not working.

 

Oh she clearly doesn't care about me...or value me...or is loyal to me...that much is clear..i just wish it was easier to lose the feelings i have for her

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh she clearly doesn't care about me...or value me...or is loyal to me...that much is clear..i just wish it was easier to lose the feelings i have for her

 

In time, you will.

 

I would just cut the cord and start moving on now. You can give yourself time to feel better and when you're ready, you can re-focus your energy on finding a great girl who wouldn't dream of requesting space from you.