Do Long Distances Work?

[cottom]

I am 23, I moved to a new town a while back for work where I knew nobody. I met a girl and we seemed perfect match. The only difference between us that I prefer to have everything planned with backup ideas incase anything goes wrong so I can still succeed in my plan. She is a live it, do it right now because you never know if it will work person. Her plan is too move 200 miles away in a few months.

 

The two sides of the argument:

I tried telling her about the financial aspect of it, asked her plan of how to afford it deposit, rent, gas, electric, water, council tax, food, transport in the most expensive place to live in the country.

 

She says she wants to work in the creative industry, journalism, marketing etc and the best place for that is in London.

 

I suggest other places much cheaper with a booming creatove industry and asked her about the work she has found that she has set up ready to move in the few months.

 

She says she looked and there was nothing, (there are a load of unpaid internships) but she isn't going to sit at home living with her parents forever and has always wanted to move to London and all her uni friends live there. She then said I'm being pessimistic, boring and not living and it's making me unattractive.

 

The next argument was regarding how we are going to be together. She said that you never know unless you try but I was trying to explain how it won't work without a plan, and I know it will end with us never seeing each other. I travel home at present once a fortnight and stay here to work the rest of the time, I limit travel because it's so expensive and I have a mortgage and bills etc to pay. She said that I'm making assumptions and we need to sew how it goes.

 

How does it work? Do we need set days to be together, she will be out there struggling financially in a new city just so she can be near friends. I don't want to hold her up financially or to force the relationship up and do all the work to make us work only for her to meet a guy there and leave as if I hadn't done anything because I've had that happen before and I'd rather end on good terms and not hold her back and force us together when it will be impossible.

 

I have friends who are in LDR and they use up all their work holiday based around seeing each other and after that holidays used up its all gone

[d0nnivain]

The 200 miles isn't what will eventually doom your relationship; it's your vastly incompatible relationships with money that will eventually rip you apart.

 

 

She's a dreamer with no plan. She probably won't ever do what she's talking about. So continue to enjoy her company while she's around.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'll echo what d0nnivain said.

 

LDR can be challenging but certainly not impossible. A 200 mile separation is nothing compared to what some couple's have to manage, mine included. The issue with your situation isn't as much about the distance as it is with your girlfriend specifically.

 

In order for any relationship to work both people need to be on the same page and fully committed to making it work. LDR are no different and if anything, they require even MORE commitment and trust and sacrifice and effort in order to deal with the long lapses between visits. I've said it a million times on here, LDR is not for the weak.

 

It's a big decision to continue a relationship apart. You either want it or you don't. There are no half measures when it comes to LDR unfortunately. Lots of couples are forced into LDR because of better job opportunities. There is nothing wrong with this and as difficult as it may be to be apart from your partner it's important to support them in their journey. That's part of a loving relationship.

 

The issue with your GF is that she doesn't seem to be taking YOU or your relationship into account nor fully realizing the challenges you're both going to face. Her live-in-the-moment attitude isn't necessarily a bad thing but there needs to be some consideration for you and how your relationship will work moving forward.

 

Again, LDR can and do work but only if you both want it and work at it daily. There is no question that things will change in your relationship. There's also a very good chance this move and especially her attitude will be the death of your relationship altogether. What you'll need to figure out is when enough is enough?

 

Good luck.

[Els]

I do think it's a little presumptuous of you to say that she's moving to London 'just to be with her friends'. If she is in journalism/marketing, it is possible that moving to the city might be just what her career needs - lots of people's careers only take off once they move to a big city. If she's a fresh grad she will likely have to move before she gets a job, because you need to be able to attend multiple interviews on short notice, and if she isn't living there that will be quite difficult. (People in more senior positions can sometimes eschew this because their employers are more likely to give concessions in that aspect.) Her finances are her own problem to handle, of course. If she tries and it bombs, at least she tried.

 

So I think you were wrong to try and convince her to stay. You have only been together for a short time as far as I can tell, and she's 23. She has to prioritize her career.

 

That being said, I think that, as Michelle said, the problem here mostly seems to be the incompatibility in your personality types, and the fact that she doesn't seem to be interested in talking about a communication/visiting plan with you. 200 miles is not far, and people have made LDRs work with FAR greater distances, but LDRs typically require a lot of planning in advance and if she's not interested in doing that, perhaps that isn't the right relationship for both of you.

[flogo]

Depends on if the two want them to work. If you just start dating and are six months into it and one decides to move off to college 1,000 miles away... it wouldn't be wise to stay together.

 

On the other hand, if you have been dating a few years and one person leaves the country for a few months... then it could make sense.

 

That's my opinion at least.

[J21]

Seems to be incompatibility more than long distance that will be the issue.

 

She's the creative dreamer type, and you're the rational planner. There are couples that can make work, but it's hard when you both want different things. Add on top distance putting a wedge, it's hard to see it working out long term.

[laurah]

Here's what you do in my opinion because I was in a Long-distance relationship recently that turned into a local relationship when I moved in with him recently so I think I can help a bit. I'll tell you my story first for an example. So I started dating people online on a site called ok cupid some months ago. I met a few people but no one that really clicked until one day I did. He messaged me first and said he was interested in talking to me so I started to talk to him. We seemed to like a lot of the same stuff and he said would you want to date me. So I took a look at his profile and I saw his location. It said Texas and I was in Indiana. I always had a rule about not dating anyone too far away from me. So I told him that he's too far away from me and it would be hard to have a relationship or even dating. He said he realizes that but there are lots of people who do it and they make it work. He said he would treat me good cause he was raised right and we would make it work. I said idk. He said I do. It will be fine. So I took a chance and started seriously talking to him. We kik'ed each other (a form of texting--an app) and skyped the following day. We talked for hours without running out of things to talk about. Over the month we got really close to each other and our texts were getting romantic. Then he said when are you going to come visit me? I wanna see you so bad. I said as soon as I can I'll come and get the money together for airfaire. Then right before I was leaving in august to come there he said this: even if you were not coming at all I would still feel the same way about you. I love you very much and would always want to be with you. that will never change. So I came there and we really hit it off even more in person and I was sad when I had to leave to go back home. Deep down I didn't want to leave. I got home and the distance was just killing me. I hated being without him but I learned to cope pretty well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept telling myself that soon enough I will be moving there and will be with him permanently. But soon enough was in January and we had trouble waiting that long. So I ended coming down there in October and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing.Our relationship is going really well and I am extremely happy I'm here with him. He was worth the wait. (btw as I'm typing this he's going nuts. lol) So my point of that story. Long-distance relationships are not easy. they're hard. in my opinion they're harder than a relationship where the people live close to each other. you can't see the person and physically touch them. But if you really love the person it's worth the wait in the end. If the outcome would be you being very happy and in love then I say go for it. Idk how far along your feelings are for each other at this time. only you know that. Just know what lies ahead when your going to be apart. I was 988 miles or so away from my fiancee and the distance was killing me but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I didn't agree to date him then I would have never met him and be living with him. I would've passed up the guy of my dreams. Sometimes the temporary pain we go through is worth it if the end outcome is something that we long for. To help with the distance you could send her hand written cards/ letters. Send personalized care packages. (For example: I sent patrick a video game care package. I put some video games in there along with a video game tee-shirt and a zelda watch. and shipped it to his house.) the little things you do for her and she does for you will help with the longing to see them and the distance.

 

Here's a link about coping with a LDR: How to Cope With A Long Distance Relationship | eHow

[laurah]

Depends on if the two want them to work. If you just start dating and are six months into it and one decides to move off to college 1,000 miles away... it wouldn't be wise to stay together.

 

On the other hand, if you have been dating a few years and one person leaves the country for a few months... then it could make sense.

 

That's my opinion at least.

 

my fiancee and I were almost 1000 miles apart and we made it work and now I'm living with him. So it can work.

[ms_goldilocks]

That depends on the willingness to make it work.

 

The first three months of my relationship was long distance - my bf lived in Mexico and I was in Denmark but we did everything to make it work and, eventually, he moved to Denmark and the relationship is very strong.

 

You really need to trust the person and it required (for me at least) to be on the phone as much time as possible for texting and staying in touch but I loved every single part of it.

 

The distance made the relationship stronger although I had some phases where I was very sad because I wanted to be with him already. But when you find the right person, it's worth it

[RkJose]

just give it a try and see how your heart feels. But remember you're only 23 and still has a lot to live. Not telling you to cheat on her but sometimes ldr's do fade away on its on. Takes a lot of effort and daily talking to make it work but in my opinion if you love the girl when you see her it will have been worth the wait. The only problem is when she leaves, thats just really horrible and is the only not motivating part - getting used to the distance again after you ve been so close.

[hippychick3]

It only works if both parties are 100% in love and committed to the relationship, there is daily communication, and there are frequent and consistently planned visits to see each other.

Edited December 5, 2015 by hippychick3