Beta Male Blues?

[JasmineJones]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

[d0nnivain]

Probably not. His personality was fully formed before you met him.

[Maggie4]

I see nothing passive about him. But you do, so you have a different set of expectations of male behavior. In any case, you are incompatible. There is no point to try and make him what you expect. He won't understand what you're talking about.

[Gaeta]

"I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

hahaha, what a kookoo. That would have turned me off so bad. The man acts like he's got you all figured out when he barely knows you. That's a very ugly personality trait. Stop dating him.

[Httm]

Was that exactly the wording he used? If so, gross!

[jen1447]

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

Not likely. It sounds like you weeded him out before things went too far - good job.

[katiegrl]

Not likely. It sounds like you weeded him out before things went too far - good job.

 

Sounds to me like she has NOT weeded him out, otherwise she would not be on here asking if he can change.

 

She'd just dump him.

 

JJ, what's the attraction? You describe yourself as a 9.... plus you are dating others.

 

Why the hell care about a guy who is *weak and passive*?

 

Agree with Gaeta and others, after only five dates, just move on.

 

Frankly he sounds gross...

Edited November 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[ManyDissapoint]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

If a girl wanted to see me for a fifth date, I would have a hard time believing that she was seeing other people too. I can understand a bit of date overlap at the one or two mark but basically 5 dates approaches polyamory to my sensibilities.

 

That's a dealbreaker. He's weak, but not for the reasons you state.

[BlueIris]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

No, he won't change.

Eject!

[Zippy2000]

Bah! I wish people would stop generalising men on being Alpha or beta.

 

Im a Beta male but I do have some alpha qualities and in my communication style which is more alpha and if I was more interested and wanted you.

 

Id tell you to stop datig other men and give us a chance.

 

Its just his communication style and maybe hes unsure how to communicate about how he wants you OR hes just luke warm about you.

 

Either way hes not alpha or beta but just not that into you. Thats all.

[Odinani]

Bah! I wish people would stop generalising men on being Alpha or beta.

 

Im a Beta male but I do have some alpha qualities and in my communication style which is more alpha and if I was more interested and wanted you.

 

Id tell you to stop datig other men and give us a chance.

 

Its just his communication style and maybe hes unsure how to communicate about how he wants you OR hes just luke warm about you.

 

Either way hes not alpha or beta but just not that into you. Thats all.

 

Tell? I don't think so. He could ask the OP if she'd consider dating only him, but he can't tell her to do so. It really cracks me up when beta guys try to be assertive and it just comes out cringey and hilarious

 

He sounds like he is into her but lacking in confidence. I don't read just not into her at all.

[Zippy2000]

Tell? I don't think so. He could ask the OP if she'd consider dating only him, but he can't tell her to do so. It really cracks me up when beta guys try to be assertive and it just comes out cringey and hilarious

 

He sounds like he is into her but lacking in confidence. I don't read just not into her at all.

 

Alright! Alright, calm down. I apologise I didnt proof read my last message. I meant "ask".

 

Some people, seesh. Cant take a mistake. lol

[empresario]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

Even at my worst, I was always an alpha personality.

 

 

Even when I was nerdy, no women wanted anything to do with me, and I was sitting in a dark room playing video games I was still an alpha (clan leader and world record holder). I was the best at whatever it was I chose to do because that's how I'm built. My life seemed passive to those on the outside but it was always far-from.

 

 

So, can someone change the way they act? Yes. Can you change your innate genetic code fighting or pushing you towards being a winner or not? That, I'm not sure. I still haven't decided if having a dominant personality is genetic or trained. I can see the argument for both.

 

 

Now, onto what's concerning. He's showing you who he is earlier than most people do because he's been pinned against the wall. Any characteristics you find unappealing now...imagine in 6 months when the masks start to come off. I would be concerned with that if I were you.

 

 

And even if he can change, it has to be because he wants to...not because you want him to.

[Odinani]

Alright! Alright, calm down. I apologise I didnt proof read my last message. I meant "ask".

 

Some people, seesh. Cant take a mistake. lol

 

Classic Beta Male response

[oberkeat]

If a girl wanted to see me for a fifth date, I would have a hard time believing that she was seeing other people too. I can understand a bit of date overlap at the one or two mark but basically 5 dates approaches polyamory to my sensibilities.

 

That's a dealbreaker. He's weak, but not for the reasons you state.

 

I agree. I'm appalled with all the replies that are basically okay with OP's behavior. She went out with the guy five times while she was still dating other guys?? That means she didn't really like him, but she was going to date him until someone better came along. Either that, or she was planning on stringin' along as many dudes as possible without committing to any of them. That's really sh*tty, IMO. She treated him like a disposable object, and I would be turned off too. SMH.

[oberkeat]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

Seriously, this is one of the meanest posts I've seen on this forum. Do you not see how much you disrespected this guy? I'd say he's better off without you. You treated him like garbage.

[SwordofFlame]

Seriously, this is one of the meanest posts I've seen on this forum. Do you not see how much you disrespected this guy? I'd say he's better off without you. You treated him like garbage.

 

I kind of agree if they've been making out, holding hands, showing lots of physical affection on the dates. If that physical boundary's been crossed and it seems like it would be by 5 dates, than yeah it seems like the OP is just stringing this guy along. Now if it hasn't...that's a different story.

[Gaeta]

He's not beta, he's arrogant and a Mr. Know it all.

 

Let me translate this for you in men's language

 

"I am not concerned about other men'

What he really means is I am god's gift to women why in the world would you want to date other men when you have me.

 

I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition.

What he really means is I know for sure I don't have competition because you couldn't get another man's attention even if you tried.

We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days

What he means is I have decided you have clicked with me and you don't need to look further.

 

 

[thecrucible]

I wouldn't call him beta. I just think you have different approaches to dating so you are not compatible. He wants to date one person at a time and you are seeing a few people on dates at the same time. Did he understand that this was your approach when you started getting involved?

 

At the same time, not say the fella is perfect. I also agree with Gaeta's response. I wouldn't like the "I know you wouldn't be like that" comment as it almost seems like he'd see me as more angelic than I actually am...

[empresario]

He's not beta, he's arrogant and a Mr. Know it all.

 

Let me translate this for you in men's language

 

"I am not concerned about other men'

What he really means is I am god's gift to women why in the world would you want to date other men when you have me.

 

 

I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition.

What he really means is I know for sure I don't have competition because you couldn't get another man's attention even if you tried.

 

We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days

What he means is I have decided you have clicked with me and you don't need to look further.

 

 

 

Gaeta, dear...if we can believe her side of the story is actually how it went down (it never is, but let's assume it is for a second), then I still have to say the guy smells of insecurity.

 

 

I've said this before, never confused confidence for ignorance. The vibe I get from those comments is "if I keep telling myself certain things then maybe it will be true". That's not confidence.

 

 

Someone who's confident would just straight up ask because they aren't scared of the answer.

[RedRobin]

Perfect example why people who multidate shouldn't date those who don't.

 

If the OP knew he wasn't seeing others, but still kept these other guys in her corral, then that's not cool. She should have said something sooner.

 

I don't like the terms Alpha or Beta. But to me, it's 'Beta' needing to keep lots of people on a string because they don't have the courage to take a chance or be alone. Having so called 'options' doesn't make them more attractive or a better person. At all.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, dear...if we can believe her side of the story is actually how it went down (it never is, but let's assume it is for a second), then I still have to say the guy smells of insecurity.

 

 

I've said this before, never confused confidence for ignorance. The vibe I get from those comments is "if I keep telling myself certain things then maybe it will be true". That's not confidence.

 

 

Someone who's confident would just straight up ask because they aren't scared of the answer.

 

You certainly know that arrogance comes from insecurity.

 

I didn't say he was confident, I said arrogant. In the worse matter. The kind of man that tells you how you should feel.

[joseb]

I'm multi dating. A man I'd been on several dates with seemed to be really taking me for granted. He acted like a relationship with me was a foregone conclusion and that I likely wouldn't have any options beyond him. He never initiated a "talk" about exclusivity and whatnot. He just assumed, wrongly it turns out, I was his for the taking.

 

Finally the talk came (initiated by me) about whether either of us are dating other people. It's only been about 5 dates. At first he sent this strange passive message that went "I am not concerned about other men. I'm sure you wouldn't do that. I don't feel a need to even discuss these things because I can tell from your behaviour that I don't have any competition. We have clicked and it's so hard to meet people these days."

 

He said he's not dating anyone else. I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak. Will this ever change?

 

I see two things here.

 

One, his word choices are a bit odd, is this exactly what he wrote?

 

Two, you have been on five dates now, surely this is enough time for you to have either decided you are not interested, or you are.

 

I know it's come up on another thread about american dating, so maybe it's a cultural thing, but even so I really don't understand how you can go on that many dates with a guy and keep multi dating, unless you are a player.

So in that respect, I can see why the guy would be upset.

 

 

You say "Overall he is very passive and weak" - why then would you then go on 5 dates with him?

[RedRobin]

I don't multidate. I don't ask. I tell them upfront that I don't multidate. It is called setting boundaries.

 

If they continue to multidate and continue to ask me out on dates after that, I figure they are looking for attention, are trying to build a harem instead of getting to know me, and/or we aren't compatible.

 

I don't think it is up to the person who is not multi dating to ask. It is up to the person who is multidating to tell... And not wait 5 dates for it either.

 

Not sure why the guy is still contacting or responding to the OP. Here's a question... Has he stopped initiating? If the OP was initiating, I can see why he'd get passive aggressive. I have. Not really passive on my end though. I'd be more sarcastic... At least for one go around, then just go NC if he kept trying to talk to me after that. That's how I'd treat a guy who was multi dating after I told him where I stood on it... With the same amount of disrespect he showed me.

[JasmineJones]

5 dates is really early days. I like to keep my options open