Beta Male Blues?

[Odinani]

Good for you!!

 

Only insecure men will assume you are having sex with all of them. They are so worried about a little bit of healthy competition !!

 

Precisely!

[Gaeta]

Its not about having competition- its about a man having respect for himself and his own self worth. I don't mind a girl multi dating in the initial stages but only as long as I am Mr Saturday Night. If I am Mr Wednesday night then I am disrespecting myself for putting up with that. I won't fight for a girl like that- quite the opposite in fact. She is welcome to continue multi dating and I will move on.

 

Like I said before. If you rock her world she will make you Mr. Saturday night pretty quickly. It's all about connecting and we have no control over who we connect with.

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend I was multi-dating. When I met him I probably had 3 other prospects I had gone on dates with and I was keeping contact with. I felt a very strong connection with him that I had not felt with the others. On our 3rd date he asked me for exclusivity, I said yes and I contacted all the others prospects I had and told them I had found someone.

 

There is a way to multi date with integrity which I have always done. I am not interested in debating those who multi date to use others. There will always be users whether they multi date or not.

[Odinani]

Treating a woman to a cup of coffee or a plate of pasta is not an "investment." This is a big thing so many men get so very wrong. If you expect a direct return on your money I suggest you invest in stocks and shares. Buying a woman a drink or a meal does not mean you are entitled to her time, her affection, her body or her loyalty. Anyone who can't understand this shouldn't be dating at all.

[insert_name]

Like I said before. If you rock her world she will make you Mr. Saturday night pretty quickly. It's all about connecting and we have no control over who we connect with.

 

When I met my ex-boyfriend I was multi-dating. When I met him I probably had 3 other prospects I had gone on dates with and I was keeping contact with. I felt a very strong connection with him that I had not felt with the others. On our 3rd date he asked me for exclusivity, I said yes and I contacted all the others prospects I had and told them I had found someone.

 

There is a way to multi date with integrity which I have always done. I am not interested in debating those who multi date to use others. There will always be users whether they multi date or not.

 

Well that at least seems fair enough. The issue I have with multi dating in general is when it drags on for the tth date and longer. It becomes less about making your mind up and more about stringing some poor sucker long who is going to get hurt. For that reason, I don't like multi-dating and see it as the enduring legacy of OLD.

[Gaeta]

Well that at least seems fair enough. The issue I have with multi dating in general is when it drags on for the tth date and longer. It becomes less about making your mind up and more about stringing some poor sucker long who is going to get hurt. For that reason, I don't like multi-dating and see it as the enduring legacy of OLD.

 

That's why you need to have your own personal rules when you date.

 

I will give a man 3 dates to decide if I want to concentrate on him. If by date 3 I did not grow a strong interest then I let him go. I would not date someone 5+ dates if I only had a mild interest in him. Not even to kill time. I would feel I am misleading him.

 

But that being said some people are out there to just 'date' with no long term in mind. I am in search of a long term relationship so eternally casually dating is not interesting to me. It may be for some people. You have to filter them out.

[GoodOnPaper]

And this is why young men should multidate, too. Don't get so invested. Keep it casual. See how different young ladies interact. Learn to discern mutual attraction from disinterest.

 

I agree with the keeping it casual idea -- I know I took dating way too seriously when I was young -- but I think with guys there is a much wider gap between the haves and have-nots when it comes to dating opportunities. By definition, to multidate, one must be able to attract more than one woman at the same time. For me, that's always been impossible -- just attracting one was a major effort. -- and I think many of your average guys would be in the same boat.

 

So I can see how a guy might be sensitive about this topic -- going into an OLD dating situation where you have to assume your date is juggling 4 or 5 guys while she is your only option. Personally, I'd feel rather foolish and guarded, which of course would not give us a good chance of making a connection, anyway.

[BlueIris]

But they weren't going on dates with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker in rotation until they decided which one was the best fit! Dating was serial not parallel. Well, at least that is how it was in my corner or the world and like I say TV is a great mimicer of social fads and multi dating of the like you see post social media was never a theme.

 

How do you explain the relationships in Harry Potter and Hunger Games? I don’t know a lot about contemporary TV shows and movies but I’ve seen those. No sex assumptions that I can see there.

 

But in those, some of the boys/men got jealous. Maybe what people are saying here is that if boys get jealous, it’s bad. I’m pretty slow. This is about insecurity and frustration when someone doesn't do what they want them to…. Isn’t it? Doh. Takes me a while. lol

 

Someone’s jealousy doesn’t make my behavior bad.

Someone’s wanting me to do what they want doesn’t make my behavior bad.

So much for the sexual revolution. Same as it ever was.

 

Date women who act the way you want them to. Problem solved.

 

The biggest problem that the guy OP was talking about had was his presumptuousness and hissy fit. That's an ICK!

Edited November 7, 2015 by BlueIris

[BlueIris]

I agree with the keeping it casual idea -- I know I took dating way too seriously when I was young -- but I think with guys there is a much wider gap between the haves and have-nots when it comes to dating opportunities. By definition, to multidate, one must be able to attract more than one woman at the same time. For me, that's always been impossible -- just attracting one was a major effort. -- and I think many of your average guys would be in the same boat.

 

So I can see how a guy might be sensitive about this topic -- going into an OLD dating situation where you have to assume your date is juggling 4 or 5 guys while she is your only option. Personally, I'd feel rather foolish and guarded, which of course would not give us a good chance of making a connection, anyway.

 

Fair enough. But no need to feel foolish or guarded. Get to know her. See if you click, mutually. Who knows? You might be just the guy she's been looking for.

[RedRobin]

But that time is over now.

 

Now it's time to join the 21st century.

 

Online dating is there to stay and it comes with a new dating style.

 

Better get with the program than being crushed by it.

 

People have to let go of 'before OLD'.

 

Just like they had to let go of 'before the Internet' things were different.

 

When in Rome do as Romans. I am 50, I remember before OLD but there is no point of me going on and on about how things were different before, that time is over.

 

There are quite a lot of people doing OLD now, attractive ones too... Who don't multidate. I think it was true before and true now... people who juggle others romantically are not generally trusted. My track record of actually finding committed relationships is quite good from OLD, and I don't have to date 100s of men to do it.

 

Women who multi-date don't have sex with any of the guys they are multi-dating. That's the whole point. You date around until you find one guy you want to take things exclusive with and then you drop the others and move forward with (and eventually have sex with) that guy. If you were having sex with a whole bunch of guys at the same time it would just be ridiculous, not to mention unhealthy.

 

Nobody believes that, and I am a woman. You are having some kind of physical intimacy. Maybe not full on PIV, but it's more than just staring across a table.

 

Meh, I don't do any of that. How hard would it be to focus on one guy for a few weeks... That's three dates, right? Maybe you are talking to another guy, or however many guys, but not meeting him yet. You make your decision about guy A, then move on.

 

Good for you!!

 

Only insecure men will assume you are having sex with all of them. They are so worried about a little bit of healthy competition !!

 

Not really. I work around all men. What it comes down to is... Do they NEED to give you the benefit of the doubt? If they have a choice between an attractive woman who doesn't multidate and a woman who does, guess which one they will pick? I am betting most of the men who self select themselves out of your pool do so for that reason. It isn't insecurity.

 

But that's ok. The guys I reject for being multidaters need someone to love too, so it's all good. Just make sure you tell people up front that is what your dating style is. It isn't correct to assume that everyone is a multidater. To do otherwise comes across as dishonest and dating in bad faith.

[William]

Morning folks, I noticed one of our hydras got a firm hold on the forum this morning and got nearly 50 posts in before I caught their two iterations. Hence, you may find some hanging quotes or responses to other members who responded to the hydra. We try to keep topical content as much as possible so I left such content in this thread. Here, 'east guy' and 'e guy' were the ID's in question. Sorry for the disruption and please continue!

[Odinani]

There are quite a lot of people doing OLD now, attractive ones too... Who don't multidate. I think it was true before and true now... people who juggle others romantically are not generally trusted. My track record of actually finding committed relationships is quite good from OLD, and I don't have to date 100s of men to do it.

 

 

 

Nobody believes that, and I am a woman. You are having some kind of physical intimacy. Maybe not full on PIV, but it's more than just staring across a table.

 

Meh, I don't do any of that. How hard would it be to focus on one guy for a few weeks... That's three dates, right? Maybe you are talking to another guy, or however many guys, but not meeting him yet. You make your decision about guy A, then move on.

 

 

 

Not really. I work around all men. What it comes down to is... Do they NEED to give you the benefit of the doubt? If they have a choice between an attractive woman who doesn't multidate and a woman who does, guess which one they will pick? I am betting most of the men who self select themselves out of your pool do so for that reason. It isn't insecurity.

 

But that's ok. The guys I reject for being multidaters need someone to love too, so it's all good. Just make sure you tell people up front that is what your dating style is. It isn't correct to assume that everyone is a multidater. To do otherwise comes across as dishonest and dating in bad faith.

 

Really? So I am having out of body experiences according to you? Because in the reality of both myself and the men I am dating, we are not physically involved at all. Yet you, who knows none of us, claim we are wrong and that we are somehow having sexual contact without realising that. Do tell.....

[insert_name]

How do you explain the relationships in Harry Potter and Hunger Games? I don’t know a lot about contemporary TV shows and movies but I’ve seen those. No sex assumptions that I can see there.

 

But in those, some of the boys/men got jealous. Maybe what people are saying here is that if boys get jealous, it’s bad. I’m pretty slow. This is about insecurity and frustration when someone doesn't do what they want them to…. Isn’t it? Doh. Takes me a while. lol

 

Someone’s jealousy doesn’t make my behavior bad.

Someone’s wanting me to do what they want doesn’t make my behavior bad.

So much for the sexual revolution. Same as it ever was.

 

Date women who act the way you want them to. Problem solved.

 

The biggest problem that the guy OP was talking about had was his presumptuousness and hissy fit. That's an ICK!

 

If you want to extrapolate from that that its purely a jealousy thing on the part of men then that would be your own conclusion, although I can understand how a woman would want to believe that.

 

Personally, I have multi dated and been multi dated on and I don't think it benefits either side.

[jen1447]

Sex seems to be the primary, or only, reason some people date. I really wonder if some men and women even enjoy each other's company.

 

I agree with young people dating casually as long as possible. Date and see what sort of person you like and don't like. Sex comes later.

 

I'm a casual sex 'practitioner' (lol) but even I understand that multi-dating generally means just that - dating, not multi-f*cking.

[Gaeta]

There are quite a lot of people doing OLD now, attractive ones too... Who don't multidate. I think it was true before and true now... people who juggle others romantically are not generally trusted. My track record of actually finding committed relationships is quite good from OLD, and I don't have to date 100s of men to do it.

 

But multi dating EXISTS and it's out there and we're all aware of it SO people should not come on here and react horrified that someone they were seeing had been multi-dating!! It it part of today's dating style that is why it's IMPERATIVE to have a 'talk' very soon on what is your dating style. AND that is exactly what OP did! After 5 dates she said : HEY! I should tell you I multi date about you'.

 

If you are on the dating market nowadays and you don't watch for your back, if you don't communicate your dating style, if you are not super clear about what you're looking for, then you are just asking for major disappointments.

 

 

 

Nobody believes that, and I am a woman. You are having some kind of physical intimacy. Maybe not full on PIV, but it's more than just staring across a table.

 

You better believe it. I have been on plenty of 1-2-3 dates with no touching and only a kiss good night. I never let intimacy escalate if I am not into the guy strong enough to dump the other ones.

[joseb]

Only insecure men will assume you are having sex with all of them. They are so worried about a little bit of healthy competition !!

 

I dont really get this line of thought.

You could just as easily say "only insecure men will assume you are seeing other men".

 

What's the difference?

 

If I'm seeing someone, im going to be having sex with them pretty quickly.

[joseb]

No, he was saying to date multiple boys and not get serious about any of them. .

 

Yes. My sisters also got this advice. But it meant see someone for a while. But don't get too serious. Then see someone else. Noone was seeing multiple guys at the same time where I came from.

[joseb]

But multi dating EXISTS and it's out there and we're all aware of it SO people should not come on here and react horrified that someone they were seeing had been multi-dating!! It it part of today's dating style that is why it's IMPERATIVE to have a 'talk' very soon on what is your dating style. AND that is exactly what OP did! After 5 dates she said : HEY! I should tell you I multi date about you'.

 

 

Just because it's out there doesn't mean it's a great ides or we should just accept it as given. initially I warmed to the idea.

But having tried it, I can see that it's causing more problems than its solving, with people unwilling to really give anyone a chance and unable to focus on one person.

[insert_name]

Just because it's out there doesn't mean it's a great ides or we should just accept it as given. initially I warmed to the idea.

But having tried it, I can see that it's causing more problems than its solving, with people unwilling to really give anyone a chance and unable to focus on one person.

 

Exactly. I fail to see how you can objectively evaluate someone when you are not fully focussed on them as a person. Having access to 5 guys at the same time is the dating equivalent of fool's gold.

[Odinani]

You don't have to accept multi-dating. Ask women you meet in your own life whether they are multi dating and if they are, stop dating them. Simple. The choices me and other multi-daters here in LS make do not affect you. We don't even know you.

 

Exactly. I fail to see how you can objectively evaluate someone when you are not fully focussed on them as a person. Having access to 5 guys at the same time is the dating equivalent of fool's gold.

[Gaeta]

Just because it's out there doesn't mean it's a great ides or we should just accept it as given. initially I warmed to the idea.

But having tried it, I can see that it's causing more problems than its solving, with people unwilling to really give anyone a chance and unable to focus on one person.

 

Well the question is not if multi dating is good or not. It's an individual thing.

 

There are a lot of things out there I don't like such as drugs, cheating, users, scammers, etc. I don't like it but I have to be aware it exists and if I am not into dealing this type of things I have to eliminate them early on.

 

So OP multi dates and she told this man at 5 dates, but rather insignificant dates. I don't call spending 2 hours with someone a 'date'. It's not even long enough to catch a movie and drinks. I wonder now what kind of dates were these. Would you set up 5 dates over a month no more than 2 hours? Can we call that 'dating'?

[xxoo]

Exactly. I fail to see how you can objectively evaluate someone when you are not fully focussed on them as a person. Having access to 5 guys at the same time is the dating equivalent of fool's gold.

 

It's not at all.

 

Think back to how things worked when we were in school. I had access to all sorts of guys, went out on dates with different people (called dates or not), and still we managed to evaluate and recognize a connection when it happened. Having other available dates didn't keep me from connecting with one special person. And when I did, I didn't want to spend time with any of those other guys anymore, or accept any new dates.

 

It's not so different with OLD or cold approaches, where you are essentially dating strangers. You've got to get to know these people a little bit before a connection is going to happen. Multi dating in this context is probably really smart, because it prevents getting invested in anyone prematurely. But when a connection happens, it'll stand out against all the "meh", and then they'll only have eyes for other.

[RedRobin]

It's not at all.

 

Think back to how things worked when we were in school. I had access to all sorts of guys, went out on dates with different people (called dates or not), and still we managed to evaluate and recognize a connection when it happened. Having other available dates didn't keep me from connecting with one special person. And when I did, I didn't want to spend time with any of those other guys anymore, or accept any new dates.

 

It's not so different with OLD or cold approaches, where you are essentially dating strangers. You've got to get to know these people a little bit before a connection is going to happen. Multi dating in this context is probably really smart, because it prevents getting invested in anyone prematurely. But when a connection happens, it'll stand out against all the "meh", and then they'll only have eyes for other.

 

Well, this is why I say multi dating is for kids and the confused. When I was in HS, people didn't date others simultaneously. There were lots of opportunities to socialize in groups, and sure, there was always a 'buzz' around this boy or girl. One guy hanging around by the locker, or walking you home, or sitting next to you at the football game or half time, sitting at your table at lunchtime. But one on one dates with multiple people? Absolutely not.

 

As an adult, I don't need to compare guys side by side. I have my objective criteria that each individual either fits or doesn't...

 

I think that's another problem one at a time daters have with multidaters... It's like they aren't capable of making an objective decision on their own. They need to constantly have someone (or many someone's) in rotation or they don't feel good about themselves.

 

As far as getting invested in someone prematurely... Not sure how multi dating keeps that from happening, unless they are using others to prop up their egos in case person number one rejects them. If they are secure in themselves, have solid boundaries, and know what they want, they don't need to be juggle however many people simultaneously in order to set a healthy pace. Nor will they be devastated if someone they hardly know decides it isn't a match.