coffee_cup Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 First let me say I have been in my current relationship since 2004, and I trust him 100%. I can't say the same for him trusting me, although I have never given him a reason not to trust me (never cheated, lied, or anything along those lines). We spend most of our time together, and we rarely go out without the other. In the times I do go out without him, I am accused of cheating when of course I am not (most of the time I am out without him I am doing laundry at my parents house). We both work at the same company, and we have been living with each other for at least 8 or 9 years. I work in shipping & the office, he works in production, so there is some separation at work. There are times when truckers pick up shipments, and he says he "witnesses" me flirting & chatting with these guys. He is only watching from a distance, so he has no idea what conversations go on. I act professional at work, so during small talk I may laugh or giggle nothing over the top, but I don't perceive that as flirting, just being a nice person. He makes these accusations that I lean in, or bend over in such a way that makes him think I am flirting... He also says that I am talking way longer than I am, most truckers are in and out, and the chatting may be 5 minutes tops, however he says I am out talking for 15 minutes. I don't have that kind of time at work to be chatting... and before I am even aware he is mad he approaches me with immediate anger. Not even hearing me out on what the conversation was, and when I tell him he just KNOWS I am leaving stuff out.... Why would I? I have nothing to hide here? It was just small talk with a random person, not to mention this one particular trucker I was talking to couldn't stop talking about HIS WIFE. So I really don't understand why he is so possessive over me, to the point of thinking that ANY guy I talk to (other than family) I am flirting with. This is beginning to drive me nuts, as I am doing nothing wrong here. I want to be with this guy forever, we seem to be a great match, however he always gives me reasons not to marry me. It is very disheartening to hear that even after dating for this long that he still can't trust me. How do I gain his trust? I know his past caused a lot of his trust issues, his mother was really never there for him, and he never met his father. The girl he dated just before me (way back in high school) cheated and lied to him. Now I feel like I am constantly proving I am trustworthy companion, even though he should trust me at this point. He also accuses me of cheating though playing games online, and apparently I delete all the chats when I am done?!?! This is absurd, I am only playing the games... as I could care less about chatting in them. We also play games online together, and apparently any time he dies in game, it's my fault for not covering him well enough or whatever may be the case it's my fault not his. I am at a loss of what to do at this point, as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. I want to work things out, but I feel that we have been over this issue many times now. All I want is to settle down with him and be happy. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Ugh, insecurity is a most unattractive trait. Why do you still think that you need to do something to gain his trust? You have done plenty. The lack of trust is his issue, and his to resolve, not yours. Until he realizes and admits this, there's nothing you can do. Have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him why, after all this time, he still doesn't trust you, and what he is going to do to overcome his insecurity? If he continues to blame you then I see little option but to end the relationship. You deserve better, and unless he admits that the problem is his, this one is never going to get any better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 He's a controlling jacka ss.....that is abuse, and his insecurities are not your problem they are his. You can't fix him he is what he is. This is not why you are in a relationship...to have someone beat you down with accusations. Get out now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 You want to be happy? Yet he is controlling and insecure - even to the point of blaming you for his inadequacies...? Have you looked at narcissistic personality ? You may be used to this kind of control and manipulation by him but it is not healthy. Research it. If you stay with him it is likely to be a special kind of torture. I hope you consider being on your own to break free from his control. Start telling him to stop it! He does not need to watch every move you make! You should not need to spend every minute under his watchful eye!!! What happened to you being yourself? An individual who is capable of being an independent person? Things will not change unless you start resisting his control. Do that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Read what you just wrote... now imagine it's not you and you are reading that about someone else. He sounds controlling and scary... maybe you've overstated things, but you really need to think long and hard, because if he is as jealous as you make him sound, this is NOT a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_cup Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you for all of your insight. I do feel like I have done everything to prove to him that I can be trusted. I feel so invested in this relationship, it will be really hard for me to let it go. I mean 11 years is a long time! Right now, I can't even image being without him... maybe I have dealt with this for too long now. I wish there was a way for him to see that I mean well. I suggested therapy for us, but he thinks its a load of crap. All of you recommend that I end it, but do you think that is the only option for happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 11 years is a long time! Yes, but 12, 13 or 14 is even longer. Time to cut your losses. All of you recommend that I end it, but do you think that is the only option for happiness? Well, I suggested that you talk to him first and see what HE is going to do to fix HIS issue. But if he won't admit a problem and blames YOU, then yes, ending it is the only option for YOUR happiness. You should not live life like this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you for all of your insight. I do feel like I have done everything to prove to him that I can be trusted. I feel so invested in this relationship, it will be really hard for me to let it go. I mean 11 years is a long time! Right now, I can't even image being without him... maybe I have dealt with this for too long now. I wish there was a way for him to see that I mean well. I suggested therapy for us, but he thinks its a load of crap. All of you recommend that I end it, but do you think that is the only option for happiness? Yes. Imagine getting out after 23 years. That was me. My exH looked a lot like yours. Every minute of every day had to be accountable for him to not get angry. If you want a life of sheer hell - then stay - but know it's because of your own choices. You can choose to get out now and live a life that is free from the confines he's created. Get counseling to help you and support either decision you make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_cup Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Right now we are just not talking to each other, it started yesterday when he "witnessed" me "flirting" to a trucker. Any time we do start to talk it just turns into a blown up argument over anything and everything. I moved a tree branch yesterday without him, and the neighbor (a nice lady) helped me. He immediately assumes it was her young son that helped me, and was mad that I didn't ask him for help.... well maybe if he wasn't such an ass that day I would have asked him. I was talking anger out buy cleaning the branches that feel over the storm we just had. Its all these little things that shouldn't matter at all, he gets all fussy about. To me IMO it is not a significant reason to break up, however I understand that it is abuse (he doesn't look at it that way at all). I feel like we can work through the issues, and then out of the blue for no reason they come back up a few months later. So even if we come to a standstill, I feel like it's only a matter of time for it to all start back up again. So I guess I really need to ask myself IF I really want to put up with this ongoing BS. I am 29 right now, and eventually want a family of my own, so I feel like time is running out. I also don't feel like I am strong enough to let go. I used to be slightly unstable with depression, and I feel like IF I were alone it would all come back with a vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 To me IMO it is not a significant reason to break up Your unhappiness is all the "reason" that is required. This is not a court of law. You do not have to prove to a jury beyond reasonable doubt. If you are unhappy then you should end it. And it's pretty obvious that you are very unhappy in this relationship. I feel like we can work through the issues How can "we" work through the issues if HE denies he has a problem, and says it's YOUR issue? That is why they keep coming back. Because HE is not dealing with them. He is blaming them all on you and you are capitulating every time, and promising you will do better. Well you can't fix HIS issues that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_cup Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Should I print this thread and show it to him... make him see how others view this relationship? Would that help at all? I will admit sometimes it's hard for me to talk in the heat of the moment. My mind gets clustered, and I can't think of what to say when I have all the pressure on me. Not to mention if there is yelling involved, that makes me go in a shell and not want to come out. I can't deal with yelling/ mocking and hurtful accusations. I am a very emotional person, and I will break easily. He can't stand it when I cry, he calls me a baby! I can't help it sometimes, my emotions get the best of me. And when that happens I really don't know what to say to him to make things better, so I usually just sit there quietly. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Should I print this thread and show it to him... make him see how others view this relationship? Would that help at all? I will admit sometimes it's hard for me to talk in the heat of the moment. My mind gets clustered, and I can't think of what to say when I have all the pressure on me. Not to mention if there is yelling involved, that makes me go in a shell and not want to come out. I can't deal with yelling/ mocking and hurtful accusations. I am a very emotional person, and I will break easily. He can't stand it when I cry, he calls me a baby! I can't help it sometimes, my emotions get the best of me. And when that happens I really don't know what to say to him to make things better, so I usually just sit there quietly. Showing him this isn't likely to be an outcome you want to experience. Make a decision about what is BEST for YOU and take action on that decision. Look up abuse. I hope you will quickly get away from him and his control! I think you may need professional support to halo this happen. Are you used to this behavior you experienced in your childhood? It may look 'normal to you' but I guarantee you - it is NOT normal in any healthy relationship. What can YOU do to change this FOR yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Should I print this thread and show it to him Most likely he will say he doesn't give a damn what a bunch of random people on the internet say. And to a certain extent he is right. The only person's feelings who matter are YOURS and HIS. No-one here knows you really, we only have a limited snapshot into your life, from the small amount of information that you have written. But from what you've told us I think you are not happy in the relationship, that your BF has major insecurity issues, and there's nothing you can do to fix him. If he wants to fix them, then he must fix them (with your help). But if he won't even admit that HE is the problem, then there's no hope. Sometimes you just have to realize a problem can't be fixed, and cut your losses to prevent yourself from losing more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_cup Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 All of you have wonderful advise. Thank you for your kind words and support. It truly means a lot to me that I have some people on my side. I will do some research on abuse, and determine how I should move on. I needed to hear all of this, even though I didn't really want to hear some of it. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Should I print this thread and show it to him... make him see how others view this relationship? Would that help at all? I will admit sometimes it's hard for me to talk in the heat of the moment. My mind gets clustered, and I can't think of what to say when I have all the pressure on me. Not to mention if there is yelling involved, that makes me go in a shell and not want to come out. I can't deal with yelling/ mocking and hurtful accusations. I am a very emotional person, and I will break easily. He can't stand it when I cry, he calls me a baby! I can't help it sometimes, my emotions get the best of me. And when that happens I really don't know what to say to him to make things better, so I usually just sit there quietly. Again, read what you are writing, imagine it's someone you care about writing it.... wouldn't you be angry? Wanting to start a family is a normal thing... but do you really want to start a family with someone who is verbally abusive to you, constantly. Distrustful of you constantly? Is the environment you want to bring up children in? Again, we're only hearing one side of a story, and it's really easy to overreact hearing someone's story online, but your relationship sounds scary. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 When you are required to stuff your feelings and know someone (anyone) will name call then it's time to end that relationship completely! Get familiar with what a healthy, balanced and respectful relationship might look like! Never, ever settle! And never allow someone else to treat you unkindly or with control! He's disrespecting you! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think that is what you problem is....you have nothing to compare to, and it's been going on for so long you have developed some tolerance to it. We are looking from the outside and know first hand we would never tolerate it. Think about this....would you want to raise a child in this type of environment? You know they will learn from you that this type of behavior is normal and it will affect then whem they become adults....are you willing to risk that?? You want your son or daughter to believe that it's ok for a man to disrespect and be abusive? If he has already rejected counseling I doubt there is any hope. Showing him this thread will probably cause him to go off the deep end. Sorry but IMO you are wasting your time. He is too unbalanced. Link to post Share on other sites
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