Savannah2 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. I'm glad you're making progress by moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her..... He was terrible to you and you stayed, but thank God you are finally seeing the light. I hope it sticks. Good luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. Well either she is terrible to him or she isn't. I know my WH made me out to be some kind of an abuser to MOW (it really was the furthest thing, I may not have been treating him the best at the time but he was also not the greatest husband either ) Honestly the BS shouldn't even play into your thinking, the MM has the real issues and spineless, cake eating sounds about right and is good enough reason for to feel the way you do. It's good you are seeing him for who he really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. This is great news I doubt she treated him badly.....but if she did..remember how he degraded you and you stayed? He's the one with no kids right? Lovely pics on FB...holidays etc.. Don't believe she's abusing him.... just don't get sucked back in. I'm glad you found the courage and see him for what he is. Oh and finally...you don't need a weak spineless man. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Sorry but why you are in affair with MM for 4 years if he had not done anything for you? You stayed with him for what? I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 (edited) I think in the end what got to me the most and chipped away my feelings were the fact that his wife would be terrible to him and he would always make excuses for her. If he thinks she can do no wrong, then why are you cheating on her? It had been almost four years and finally I look at him and he does nothing for me. I see him as a spineless, cake eating man and I wonder how I let myself fall so hard knowing he was using me. I think it's called coming out of the affair fog. This is exactly what I am seeing with my MM. His wife is discrediting him in a huge way, most likely preparing herself to squeeze the life out of him if he ever has the spine to leave. He cannot see it, he views her with rose tinted glasses. He cannot see her malicious tactics. You raise a good point - if she is so great, then why cheat on her? I hope one day I can look at him and also feel nothing... thank you for posting, reading others accounts is helping me to see the light. Oh I must add that in my case, I know the wife personally. She treated MM like poop even before him and I connected. She treats him like a child and is very condescending. Yet he stays, he will never leave. Edited November 4, 2015 by LimeBlue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmbraceTheChange Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Talking as a former WS, people don't cheat because their spouses are awful. They cheat because they are entitled ar**** who can get away with it, and to make it ok in their heads to have an affair, they play the poor victim to the AP. People are not "trapped" in marriages, you put things in place to leave if you're that unhappy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Lime blue, are we seeing the same man? Lol. I know wife personally too and she really is horrible to him and borderline crazy. I've seen it in action. He makes excuses for her. The final straw for me was when he spent the entire week complaining about how bad she's been treating him and he turned around and bought her a $200 surprise gift because she was having a bad week at work. I felt betrayed by him Every time he would confide in me and then turn around and do something nice for her like that Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It seems like there are an awful lot of MM who have terrible abusive wives. For the life of me I'll never quite understand why they put up with the abuse. These men come across as weak and spineless..... what exactly is the attraction to them? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Lime blue, are we seeing the same man? Lol. I know wife personally too and she really is horrible to him and borderline crazy. I've seen it in action. He makes excuses for her. The final straw for me was when he spent the entire week complaining about how bad she's been treating him and he turned around and bought her a $200 surprise gift because she was having a bad week at work. I felt betrayed by him Every time he would confide in me and then turn around and do something nice for her like that The thing is most married men do a great job of compartmentalizing the two relationships. He is who he is with you and I'm guessing a very different person with her. There could also be a very good chance that his seemingly discontent in his marriage could be an emotionally manipulative way to gain your emotional attention and keep you hanging on to the thought of a future. Many WS are masters at making the BS seem like monsters as a way to justify their own poor behaviors and being involved with someone else. Let's be honest for a second, how long would any OW or MOW stay involved with a MM that says to them "my marriage is great, my wife is great I'm never leaving her and you are simply a side piece" yeah that ain't going to work for most women. So MM lies, and misleads to get what they want. All these story are different yet at the core they are 99% the same. Lying ass MM and a OW dying to believe every word, needing to believe every word. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It seems like there are an awful lot of MM who have terrible abusive wives. For the life of me I'll never quite understand why they put up with the abuse. These men come across as weak and spineless..... what exactly is the attraction to them? Ditto MW - H's OW had an abusive controlling H as well. Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Lime blue, are we seeing the same man? Lol. I know wife personally too and she really is horrible to him and borderline crazy. I've seen it in action. He makes excuses for her. The final straw for me was when he spent the entire week complaining about how bad she's been treating him and he turned around and bought her a $200 surprise gift because she was having a bad week at work. I felt betrayed by him Every time he would confide in me and then turn around and do something nice for her like that Based on what you say here, yip we are seeing the same man lol! My MM does the same - plays the victim about how terrible she is (and she actually really is, i have seen it myself), then he takes her away for a weekend or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 It starts to take a toll on my self esteem. Thinking about how he confides in me, I'm supportive, I listen and treat him with respect and then he turns around and professes his love to her. Makes me feel like what is wrong with me that I give this guy everything and he doesn't want me full time in his life? Such a horrible position to be put in. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It starts to take a toll on my self esteem. Thinking about how he confides in me, I'm supportive, I listen and treat him with respect and then he turns around and professes his love to her. Makes me feel like what is wrong with me that I give this guy everything and he doesn't want me full time in his life? Such a horrible position to be put in. But its all in your mind. You started the affair behind the eightball with a guy that only wanted or needed to satisfy one part of himelf with his dealings with you. Its not you, its 100% him. I guess what fault you have is of the moral nature (him being married and all) but let's not go there. The other is being blinded by what you wanted him to be instead of what he was showing you. I was once in what one could see as the start of an affair, I had a hard time with the whole thing because I could never lie to the OW and tell her what she wanted to hear, she would always say "well that's what I get for getting involved with a honest committed man". The whole thing was very brief a couple weeks. Now my partner posts here so I have to be careful with her feelings on this next part. What I felt for this OW at the time felt very real, and me pulling out of the "relationship" was because I simply couldn't be what she wanted, I later came to understand that I used her in a sense to repair my wounded ego and self esteem because my partner wasn't reaction to me as I felt she should have been, and a small part was to rub it in her face for the affair she had years ago when we were still married. The OW thought it was a situation where I compared the two and picked my partner. The truth is it had nothing to do with her or my partner. I share this with you because you have to understand this was like him picking a house where you just wasn't a good enough fit. Its more about him and the poor way he dealt with his marriage. One day you will thank a higher being (if you believe in that) that you didn't end up deeper involve or even in a real relationship with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Someone made a really good point actually..... I've seen where a MM treated his OW like a princess... showered her with gifts. ..was very affectionate and did little things like sending her romantic e_cards and stuff like that. But his wife didn't get any such treatment. .. it was like he barked at her when he spoke to her. You'd think she was the maid and not his wife. ....it's no wonder she wasn't nice and loving to him. The reason she says she never left was finances..... being a SAHM.......she felt trapped in the marriage. No money is a terrible thing. He didn't want a divorce..because who would cook, clean , do his laundry, go and visit/cook for his sick mom and entertain his clients if he divorced her. He wanted the happy family image... and divorcing to be with the OW wouldn't make him look so good. People act differently, with different people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmbraceTheChange Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 People change when they're in the middle of an affair. And people act differently went they're interacting with somebody else, especially if they're trying to impress them so they leave a lot out.... My husband was a total a*** when he used to come home - detached, was complaining about everything (even about the kids wanting to sit on his lap when he used to come back from work, because they were happy to see him). But in front of chickie? From the emails I read between them, he was Mister Relaxo. Not a care in the world. Laid back, funny, always asking to spend time with her, helpful. At home? Not so much. But of course I was the controlling troll who was getting on his case because, lol, he was my husband and not just a guest at home. So this gave him "ammunition". See how it works? I'm sure the OW, has a totally different view of my husband. What she didn't know was that he was full of s***. And because I'm his wife and pretty out-spoken anyway, I can call him out on his ****. The OW? She was believing every crap he was telling her, like he was believing every crap she was saying about her "bad" husband (of course she is still married to him). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Based on what you say here, yip we are seeing the same man lol! My MM does the same - plays the victim about how terrible she is (and she actually really is, i have seen it myself), then he takes her away for a weekend or something. I find this really hard to believe, you know their M dynamics intimately? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It starts to take a toll on my self esteem. Thinking about how he confides in me, I'm supportive, I listen and treat him with respect and then he turns around and professes his love to her. Makes me feel like what is wrong with me that I give this guy everything and he doesn't want me full time in his life? Such a horrible position to be put in. I don't blame you for thinking you want more. I have a friend who has often asked others "why do you think I need to be your emotion sponge?" Feeling used isn't a healthy relationship. I'd want to know what I'm getting out of it that's positive for me. The positive needs to outweigh the negative for me to keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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