New to being the OW and maybe Pregnent

[wmacbride]

I can handle the "Family" Legal issues myself. Legally this child will be for me and my husband given that our divorce still has not been finalized- it does not matter that we are not together. It doesn't matter that we are separated. Once my husband is convicted he will lose all rights to any children born in our marriage. Meaning our two and the new one. Unless the MM wants to acknowledge paternity I can speed up the divorce and petition the court system for a no fault divorce but I'd prefer not to jump start this process yet. I'd prefer that all my children have the same last name as me. I am not dumb I do not need my child being questioned as to why he/she does not have the same last name as his/her siblings.

 

I'm sorry, but this is a terrible idea.

You are going to make it so that this innocent child has a molester for a father? Does that really sound like a good idea?

[wmacbride]

Wow. As previously stated, I was OW. My h has never cheated on me. Not throwing stones. Warning you of the likely outcome. And her husband is the jackass that is not in the marriage. You sure do expect miracles from his wife though, don't you. And your husband is being convicted for inappropriate touching of the children... did I get that right? Jesus. You need to focus on that. Their healing. Instead you give a new child the name of a child molester, mark it for life. Sweet baby Jesus. I would rather have a cheater on my birth certificate. You need some intense therapy. And just so you know MY feelings... I don't think babies are always a blessing, for example: molestation victims who become pregnant, rape victims, babies born to mother's too young, poor and uneducated to care for them. And yeah... a baby born from an affair can be a blessing, but sometimes... sometimes it is most certainly not.

 

You THINK your eyes are wide open. They are NOT. They will not be until later, when the baby suffers, if even then.

 

This could blow up in your face. If you let your child think your soon to be exH is his or her father, and they somehow find out differently, they will never trust you again.

[RecentChange]

My close friend found out when he was 13 that his "dad" wasn't his dad (and yes, dear mom had lied, and was using "dad's" last name for him).

 

Let me tell you. That F'ed up! Our identities are closely tied to where we "came from".

 

Time to start TELLING THE TRUTH and minimizing the mess that has created.

[JPaperclips]

Legally there is nothing I or any attorney can do if the MM does not claim paternity. The law clearly states that any and all children conceived during the marriage are considered a product of the marriage. Secondly I stated same name as me and my children. Am I not entitled to revert back to my married name, am I not allowed to petition the courts and have my children's name changed? Our names are already hyphenated so we will just be dropping my husband's name. Please do not try and explain family law to me as this is my specialty...

[gettingstronger]

Ok, then my advice stands, tell him. He's going to find out anyway and if it's not from you, it just ups the drama. Sounds like you have enough what ifs going on, why not cross this one off the list. Tell him and go from there.

[sweet_pea]

Good catholic you say?

 

Lie, cheat, deny your child their own identity, lie to the birth registrar....

 

Wow... If this so your brand of 'good catholic' I'm sure glad I chose atheism

 

For what it's worth, I was an OW... Not a BS...

 

I just think you are not a very nice human being generally. If you're real.

 

More power to you lady. You're deluded, but you just carry on with your bad self.

 

Right? I'm Christian myself and went to Catholic school for a portion of my life and I never remembered learning how any of this was what the Church would consider "good."

 

As for you, OP. You should tell MM sooner rather than later to avoid adding more drama to an already dramatic situation. And I hope for your child's sake that your friends will stick by you like you say and that you have a solid support system because things can get messy very quickly.

[Hello Genius]

Seems like you wanted this pregnancy and can financially manage so rather than blowing up MM's world with this drama just quietly go and raise the kid on your own.

 

Since the baby will have hubby's last name most people won't question paternity and it's none of their business if they do. But do right by hubby and advise him child is not his and don't seek his support. People will speculate but you are not obligated to offer any details. You can choose to keep that private. In the Deep South they'll be happy you didn't abort.

 

If MM comes around asking you can tell him his sperm created this child and if he cares to contribute that is acceptable. Yes legally he is obligated if you press for assistance but really this is your project...your little blessing. You did nothing to prevent it (knew pregnancy was possible while letting him think it wasn't) and you got what you wanted.

 

Don't put it on his wife and kids. They don't deserve it. Sure he brought it on with his behavior but you can minimize collateral damage and take the high road. Unless of course he wants to be involved. Then it's on him. Just don't be the vindictive ex girlfriend who wants to take him down. Innocents will suffer. And the drama will not help your pregnancy....though you seem serenely calm.

 

I agree you and your children should share the same last name: your husbands. If the child molester association is too much to handle you could change to your maiden name. It's understandable and could be a fresh start for you and your children.

 

Best of luck to you.

[whatatangledweb]

I live in the deep south and here people would not say anything to a child or it's siblings about parents. Any rumor would die quickly and people would forget about it.

 

You seem to have really want another baby so have it. I wouldn't say anything to the MM until you were further out...two or three months. Then just a quick note to let him know.

 

Just wondering..how long has the mm been married and does he have children?

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, thanks

[anika99]

To me the name choice is no biggie. I understand wanting you and your kids to all share the same last name. When my mom got divorced she didn't want to keep using my stepfathers last name but she did until my brothers were 18 because she didn't want to have a different last name than her sons.

 

I don't even think you are bad or evil. I think some of the comments here have put you on the defensive and maybe your attempt to fight back you are making yourself sound worse. It sounds like you have made up your mind that you are going to have this baby and raise it.

 

The situation and timing is terrible. Are you at all concerned about the kids you already have? Their father is being removed from the home for inappropriate touching. I don't know if he touched them or other people but even if it wasn't them, they are losing their father and if they know why then they will have that shame to deal with. Not saying that your kids should feel ashamed but kids do feel ashamed by what their parents do and feel guilty by association. If your husband did touch your kids then not only do they have all the above to deal with they also need to heal and recover from being molested by their father. They are already going through way more than they should be and now at this time, when your focus should be 100% on their recovery and well being you have introduce yet more drama into their lives. This situation will distract you from being 100% present for them and if they find out that the baby daddy is a married family friend then that's even more burden and shame for them to carry. Again your kids should not feel ashamed because of your behaviour but they will. They are going to wonder if either of their parents have any moral integrity at all.

 

And meanwhile you are talking about everything like it's a day in the park. "Oh nobody will judge me, there will be no fallout, nobody in my circle of friends will have a problem with me screwing a married friend in the same circle and the MM's wife will love my baby just because it's her husbands" LOL...you sound like you're lost in lala land. If you're pregnant well you can't unring that bell, but I think you better wise up and make a plan and be realistic about it. Tell the MM so you can some idea of what he wants to do. He will likely dump you and leave you to deal with it but you never know. Since he is the father I think you should start by telling him.

[Sassy Girl]

Your story has a lot of parallels with another poster - Hollygolightly. I recommend you check out some of her posts to get an idea of what the next year or so looks like for you.

[Mayday2016]

Legally there is nothing I or any attorney can do if the MM does not claim paternity. The law clearly states that any and all children conceived during the marriage are considered a product of the marriage. Secondly I stated same name as me and my children. Am I not entitled to revert back to my married name, am I not allowed to petition the courts and have my children's name changed? Our names are already hyphenated so we will just be dropping my husband's name. Please do not try and explain family law to me as this is my specialty...

 

 

 

Allow me to interject. I'm almost 8 months pregnant with my AP's baby. My divorce isn't finalized but my lawyer is having my husband sign documents stating he isn't the father. Then once the baby is born, if I agree, my lawyer wants to request child support from the AP. What will happen he tells me is the court will request MM to take a paternity test. So there's really no way he can weasel out of this. I'm unsure of what I'm going to do, I'm still a unicorn and believe MM will step up and do the right thing by offering me minimal emotional support once the baby comes. If he truly does walk away completely and withdraw then and only then will I be faced with a huge decision.

[anika99]

Allow me to interject. I'm almost 8 months pregnant with my AP's baby. My divorce isn't finalized but my lawyer is having my husband sign documents stating he isn't the father. Then once the baby is born, if I agree, my lawyer wants to request child support from the AP. What will happen he tells me is the court will request MM to take a paternity test. So there's really no way he can weasel out of this. I'm unsure of what I'm going to do, I'm still a unicorn and believe MM will step up and do the right thing by offering me minimal emotional support once the baby comes. If he truly does walk away completely and withdraw then and only then will I be faced with a huge decision.

 

What huge decision will you make if the MM withdraws completely and walks away? I think any decision you make should be made as if he is going to do just that because he might be supportive for a month and then walk away or 6 months and then walk. Don't base your decisions on what the MM is going to do or not do. Don't put your life or baby's life in the hands of a cheating MM.

[JPaperclips]

"Oh nobody will judge me, there will be no fallout, nobody in my circle of friends will have a problem with me screwing a married friend in the same circle and the MM's wife will love my baby just because it's her husbands"

 

 

I'm not trying to make light of the subject. I am trying to put the best spin possible on the situation. I know people are going to give me ugly faces and whisper and talk behind my back but nothing I haven't already experienced. I have already represented people in my predicament. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't and then they are back in my office. The other thing a lot of people are not understanding is not everyone puts their business on social media. Some things are keep quite and inside a family. Am I the first of my friends to have an affair. Nope. Am I the first of my friends to have an affair within our social circle- nope. Stuff happens, real life happens. You accept it and move on as best as you can. That is all I am trying to do.

 

 

"Are you at all concerned about the kids you already have? Their father is being removed from the home for inappropriate touching. I don't know if he touched them or other people but even if it wasn't them, they are losing their father and if they know why then they will have that shame to deal with."

 

 

Absolutely! They are in intensive counseling. My children understand under no certainty is this in any way their fault. It was difficult at first but they are now starting to get their sparkle back. We have a very long road to recovery but with our family and our faith we will get through this.

 

 

I accept my blame for the situation and the pain I have caused the MM's spouse even though she is unaware of it. That is why I was considering not telling the MM about my pregnancy. Did I want to get pregnant? No- never even thought it was a possibility. Why not use both condoms and Birth Control? Because early on in this we were both tested. I am trying to make this as pain-free as possible for the MM and his spouse. I am not trying to be bitter or steal her husband. My main focus is my children. That is all I am focusing on now is their well being.

[JPaperclips]

I live in the deep south and here people would not say anything to a child or it's siblings about parents. Any rumor would die quickly and people would forget about it.

 

You seem to have really want another baby so have it. I wouldn't say anything to the MM until you were further out...two or three months. Then just a quick note to let him know.

 

Just wondering..how long has the mm been married and does he have children?

 

I am currently 11-12 weeks. Further than I expected.

He has been married for a little under 8 years. He has 2 children the oldest being 10. Are our children friends? Yes.

Our families are deeply connected and indebted to each other. We could get in a knockdown drag out fight and we'd still be expected to sit across from each other at company and family occasions, outings and functions.

 

 

As I previously stated sometimes keeping up appearances are a matter of life. I have only told my immediate family. They support me 100%. They are no way happy with the choices I made but they love me and will continue to support me as always. There's also no way any of them are saying anything. As for my social group- being that my family makes up 75% of the group we stick together publicly. Always have.

[eye of the storm]

My head is starting to ache trying to keep all this straight.

 

3 days ago it was we live in different states and I don't know how to tell him. Now it is our families are together allll the time.

 

I think you are being naïve and I think you need to take a sex-ed class (a fact based one). A clean STD test is only good as long as you are in the doctors office. And I am not sure how you (either of you) could trust the other's status. You are willingly sleeping with a MM and he is cheating on his W with at least you but with possibly other women besides you. To not get pregnant all it takes is one sperm and one egg. I tell my children, unless you want to have babies, both of the people having sex needs to do their part to prevent it. And unless you want to get an STD the male puts on a raincoat before playing in the rain. This is Jr High knowledge.

 

Look, it is no skin off my nose. You say you can afford to support the baby. Fantastic. I would still notify the MM. IMHO he should still be put on the birth certificate because if something happens to you, do you really want your soon to be ExH getting his hands on this kid? Also, your child deserves to know his family lines and medical issues.

 

No need to be fancy about it. Call MM up say "guess who is pregnant" and let the conversation flow from there. If he is truly the great guy you think he is, you two should be able to have an adult clear calm discussion about where to go from there.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out the way you want it too.

 

rest, eat, plenty of fluids, and exercise.

[Ms. Faust]

I am currently 11-12 weeks. Further than I expected.

 

I am confused on the timeline. Originally you said:

 

He lives in Texas and myself in Louisiana. He recently took a case here that put him in the area for a little under 3 weeks. We were together frequently. He has now left to go back to Texas and I haven't heard from in over a week.

 

This sounds like you were only together just a month ago, but now you are close to 3 months pregnant?

[JPaperclips]

"Then after a couple of months in June the relationship became sexual"

Original Post

 

 

We were "meeting up" twice a month during our Company Meetings. We work for the same firms different divisions, different locations. Both our families along with a third are majority partners. We are required to see each other for Holidays, Family Events and Work Functions. As I previous stated- I could get away with skipping Thanksgiving but not Christmas.

 

 

"He lives in Texas and myself in Louisiana. ( I never said we were talking hundreds of miles) He recently took a case here that put him in the area for a little under 3 weeks"

 

 

He had a trial that put him within 15 miles of me and we were "meeting up" frequently.

 

 

As I stated pregnancy was never a real concern of ours due to my condition. 2 skipped periods not really an issue due to stress, 3-I went to the doctor. Seems I was further along then I originally assumed.

 

 

As for the MM I will tell him after the Holiday's as I will still be able to hide it from prying eyes with the correct styling By Mardi Gras I will definitely be showing and his common sense will either kick in or it won't.

[JPaperclips]

 

It started with a few texts here and there with him checking in on me and my kids. A text in the morning. A text every know and then in the evening and then somewhere our relationship became inapproiate. A line was crossed sometime around Easter and I'm not even sure how. Then after a couple of months in June the relationship became sexual.

 

He lives in Texas and myself in Louisiana. He recently took a case here that put him in the area for a little under 3 weeks. We were together frequently.

 

That being said I am now late and more then likely pregnant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

..........

[JPaperclips]

My head is starting to ache trying to keep all this straight.

 

 

I've made my decision. I will let him know after Christmas. What he chooses to do with the information is on him. I am good with my decision. Some of you had really good insight and I was able to see both sides objectively. Others were angry and bitter that I had an affair. I'm sorry that they felt the need to lash out at a complete stranger. I've never said I was perfect nor did I try to portray myself in that light. Due to me trying to put a positive spin on the situation I alienated even more. It's not arrogance or narcissistic tendencies that made me want try and stay upbeat its just how I am trying to deal given the hand that I have at this time.

[eye of the storm]

I'm glad you are at peace with your decision. Just out of curiosity. Why wait till Christmas? Why not tell him now?

 

Christmas is a stressful time anyway, dropping this on him then.....

 

Get it over with. The longer you wait the longer it is hanging over your head.

 

In addition, he may blow up that you waited so long to tell him, he may accuse you of lying because of the time frame, and think about all the conversations you two will probably have between now and then. Won't it be stressful on you having to watch your words, not mention doctor visits, not talk about the morning sickness,...(hopefully you will not have morning sickness)

 

Pregnant women should try to remove as much stress as possible. Keeping this a secret is stressful.

 

In all my years, the more times I see people hold on to a secret and wait for the perfect time, the less I am surprised by how it never works out the way the secret keeper thinks it will.

 

You will spend months planning it, imaging how he will react, running scenarios, and they will get more and more rose colored. Because you are happy you naturally assume he will be too.

 

Grab the phone, let him know. Hopefully by Christmas everyone will be settled into their new reality.

[Tayla]

This hand wasn't dealt to you...You sat at the table and picked up the cards all by yourself. Sorry but when my nephew was diagnosed with cancer, THAT was a moment where something was dealt to him...He sure as heck didn't sit down and ask for it or get all giddy that he now had a cancer to battle.

 

yes, take the high road...The health of your child is important. Poor kid.

[JPaperclips]

I'm glad you are at peace with your decision. Just out of curiosity. Why wait till Christmas? Why not tell him now?

 

Christmas is a stressful time anyway, dropping this on him then.....

 

I'm waiting till after to tell him after. I don't want to ruining his holiday or his wife's.

[georgia girl]

I am just curious. In your original post, you were worried that you hadn't heard from him in about a week. Have you heard from him yet? If so, how are you able to not disclose?

 

My thought, genuinely and without judgment, is that he deserves to know. It is his child, too. Additionally, he should be responsible and tell his wife. She has a right to know the full truth so that she may make decisions about her own life as well.

 

Good luck to you. It seems like your life has an intense amount of pressure right now. Stay healthy and help your kids stay healthy.

[ShatteredLady]

If you were unable to work would your family financially support you?

 

I ask because I have a slightly different perspective on life. I had a successful career. I would of said that I didn't need child support if I had become pregnant without a H.

 

I was young, healthy etc. one day I tripped & fell, nothing serious. When I tried to stand my leg had become completely dead! I could see the floor but it was like a mirage. My foot felt like it was passing through the ground, completely numb. The pain was agonizing! After MRI's etc I discovered that my spine had been breaking down & had finally 'given-out' on me.

 

Cut a long story short.... In one moment I discovered that I had a condition which made it impossible to retain a 'normal' job. Of course I grew & learnt but the fact remains...We never know what's around the corner! I know you've realized that in your own way. Life can throw us a curve ball at any time.

 

Protect your future. Protect your babies...for ANY eventuality!

 

You know already that I believe (for health reasons) you need the family history of your babies father. I also believe that the father should be on the birth certificate & pay child support...it's not for you, it's for your baby.

 

This must be incredibly stressful for you. I do feel for you.