"If a guy is interested....he WILL pursue..."

[CosmicGate7]

10000% not true

 

 

You could be the hottest woman alive but if you're out with your brother, I just think he's your BF and I will not come anywhere near you. Also if you look unapproachable, I will not say anything either. I'm not interested in an ugly rejection

 

 

Whether or not I approach is more based on how easy the approach is, not how much I'm attracted to you.

[Grumpybutfun]

I admit to being very traditional, so if a woman pursued me or chased me, I felt indifferent to that. I liked interest from her, but I loved a woman who knew her worth and didn't let just any man catch her. I'm a hunter...I liked the chase, the pursuit, the shy smiles and nervous laughter...drawing out her wit, intelligence...working for her smiles, her touch, her kisses. Maybe that is Neanderthal now, but if any man could catch her, she wasn't for me...I was looking for connection, not an ego boost. I also ascribe to the same philosophy as my grandfather...the harder the goal, the dream, the work...the sweeter the payoff.

Everyone wants ease for everything these days so they never feel proud or happy with what they get because they didn't work for it. Women, when committed, work the hardest for the family and the relationship so it was only fair that I worked hard in the beginning to prove my interest.

Best,

G

[joseb]

but if any man could catch her, she wasn't for me...

 

In general, I agree, I prefer to chase,

but on the flip side - if she pursues you, isn't she saying that she is interested in you, not any man...

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Not me. I've never pursued a girl & never will. I'm not into playing stupid games, especially competition when it comes to relationships. I'm fine with flirting & letting a girl know how I feel & if I'm interested. If she's interested, all she has to do is tell me that the feeling is mutual. I'm not going to run around jumping through hoops or other idiotic things to "prove" whatever to someone. If a girl can't communicate that she's interested in me somehow, then I'm not sure if I want be in a relationship with someone like that.

[Myragal]

Of course not all males will pursue if interested. I don't really care about all guys.

 

I am attracted to confident proactive males so the ones I an interested in are, by definition, those who pursue.

 

I like intelligent males and they find ways to pursue that are imaginative (the word calculating is a negative). I'm sure that they do their homework, research and spend time making a strategy. Too often guys manage to bump into me at the grocery store, walking out to the parking lot, etc. when I just happen to be alone. They initiate some type of small talk that is often interesting as if they've been talking to someone about things I like. They already seem to have a date planned out even if it comes across as a casual encounter that leads to getting together to do something together.

[Grumpybutfun]

In general, I agree, I prefer to chase,

but on the flip side - if she pursues you, isn't she saying that she is interested in you, not any man...

 

To me showing interest with grace and reserve is different than pursuit and giving chase. Yes, she is interested, but is she that interested in me or in men in general? Also, if she pursued me, she probably wasn't a traditional woman and so I lost interest for that reason too, I imagine. I found most women who chase were looking for a man....any man would do. Some men like that because any woman will do, but I wanted one go would do the dance with me. It wasn't games so much as a finely orchestrated dance where we both demonstrated wit, intelligence, chemistry, style, banter...etc.

I wanted more than just interest,

Grumps

[CosmicGate7]

To me showing interest with grace and reserve is different than pursuit and giving chase. Yes, she is interested, but is she that interested in me or in men in general? Also, if she pursued me, she probably wasn't a traditional woman and so I lost interest for that reason too, I imagine. I found most women who chase were looking for a man....any man would do. Some men like that because any woman will do, but I wanted one go would do the dance with me. It wasn't games so much as a finely orchestrated dance where we both demonstrated wit, intelligence, chemistry, style, banter...etc.

I wanted more than just interest,

Grumps

 

 

what a bunch of complete nonsense

 

 

So the fact that you're chasing her means that you're not really interested in her, but any woman will do?

[Truth34]

Of course not all males will pursue if interested. I don't really care about all guys.

 

I am attracted to confident proactive males so the ones I an interested in are, by definition, those who pursue.

 

I like intelligent males and they find ways to pursue that are imaginative (the word calculating is a negative). I'm sure that they do their homework, research and spend time making a strategy. Too often guys manage to bump into me at the grocery store, walking out to the parking lot, etc. when I just happen to be alone. They initiate some type of small talk that is often interesting as if they've been talking to someone about things I like. They already seem to have a date planned out even if it comes across as a casual encounter that leads to getting together to do something together.

 

And 8/10 women would find that sort of "imaginative" work to be creepy if not completely stalkerish.

 

Can't win for losin'.

 

Anyway, I didn't used to pursue much at all. I would flirt because I always liked flirting, but I didn't really put much effort forth. This last summer I got my heart broken though, and now that I know how much I enjoyed having someone in my life who could make me smile and feel like a million bucks, I miss that. So now I am starting to pursue more than ever, and it is working out rather poorly.

 

Just trying to find "someone", not necessarily the one. Bad idea, but I'm getting sick of not having something at this point in my life.

[Grumpybutfun]

what a bunch of complete nonsense

 

 

So the fact that you're chasing her means that you're not really interested in her, but any woman will do?

 

You misunderstand because you are viewing it through your values and expectations instead of allowing me my own traditional views in relationships.

 

I'm very selective and have high expectations and therefore dated women with high expectations, common values and preferences. I wouldn't just chase any woman, she would have to be very special especially for a relationship, and in traditional relationships, the man pursues. That is why I made sure the OP knew the context of my ideology. A woman who pursues wouldn't be interesting to me and I wouldn't be interesting to her as she would want a more modern relationship. That is ok for other people but I was pointing out my experience.

Nonsensically, or not,

Grumps

[Empyrea]

The story of MY life is that I've had several guys casually mention to me years later that yeah, I had a huge crush on you back then.. And I'm like, wow, okay, I had no idea. Which means that the interest was there, but there was NO pursuing whatsoever. On the other hand, if I'm interested in someone and get at least some vibes that it's mutual, then I've done the "chasing", which means I come 90% of the way (just short of asking them out or saying "I like you" to their face) and let them get the hint and come the extra mile. And that has worked MOST of the time, but then again it has always ended for some reason or another, possibly because they never felt like they got to conquer me or work hard to get me or something...

 

So I don't know. If I don't do anything, then nothing will happen. If I do something, then it won't work out. Lose-lose!!

[siriusp]

I admit to being very traditional, so if a woman pursued me or chased me, I felt indifferent to that. I liked interest from her, but I loved a woman who knew her worth and didn't let just any man catch her. I'm a hunter...I liked the chase, the pursuit, the shy smiles and nervous laughter...drawing out her wit, intelligence...working for her smiles, her touch, her kisses. Maybe that is Neanderthal now, but if any man could catch her, she wasn't for me...I was looking for connection, not an ego boost. I also ascribe to the same philosophy as my grandfather...the harder the goal, the dream, the work...the sweeter the payoff.

Everyone wants ease for everything these days so they never feel proud or happy with what they get because they didn't work for it. Women, when committed, work the hardest for the family and the relationship so it was only fair that I worked hard in the beginning to prove my interest.

Best,

G

 

And there it is that double standard again - you work hard in the beginning and she works hard for the rest of her life? Wao - what a smart woman would want that for herself!! not!

[Grumpybutfun]

And there it is that double standard again - you work hard in the beginning and she works hard for the rest of her life? Wao - what a smart woman would want that for herself!! not!

 

You are basing your outrage on the values of a modern relationship....I was referring to a traditional one which is what we both wanted. I never said men don't work for it but women on average do work harder because of their desire for stable and strong relationships. Perhaps it is double standards to those who do not enjoy or want to nurture and caregive to their families, but that is all my wife ever wanted...well, she is an overachiever so she also has a good career. She is pretty happy with a supportive husband who wants her to be happy and do exactly what she wants to do with her life. Men and women are different. I'm a good husband, but I'm not the primary nurturer and caregiver in our family or marriage. I'm the provider and protector in my family. I'm the caregiver of her needs and I take that very seriously. She wanted that which is why she married me and not someone who wanted to be the primary nurturer and caregiver. We both step up when we need to but we like our family and marital structure. We both equally created this relationship.

Best,

G

Edited November 4, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Mystique01]

Wow....interesting feedback....thanks guys! I have to comment on a few things posted below...

 

First of all... I think the word "chase" is not the best word to utilize in this case, because whenever I think of the word "chase", I imagine that the other person must be running AWAY. I'm not talking about THOSE instances. That's why I prefer the word "pursue".

 

So... assuming the woman is friendly, smiles, and seems like a nice person....would you (as a man) if you found her attractive, feel inclined to pursue her? Or would you just leave it be? By "pursue" I mean things like: strike up a conversation, walk over to her side of the room, observe her, get her phone number, ask her out, flirt with her, etc.

 

I'm not talking about calling and texting a woman multiple times and she's giving you the brush-off..... I'm talking about what prompts you as a man to pursue something. It could be a woman who you just met, or a woman you've known for years.

 

 

 

 

When I am interested,

 

I dont pursue.

 

But thats just me.

 

Never???

 

Care to explain why? Are you shy?

 

The reason why I ask is because a lot of times, MANY women might be crushing on you, but if a woman doesn't get any clear cut sign that a man is interested in her (even striking up a small conversation), she will probably not pursue you.

 

I know for me personally, if I don't get any hint that a guy is attracted/interested in me, I won't show him that I'm attracted or interested in him. I feel like men usually know what they want, and if they aren't even trying to start a conversation w/me, then they must not be interested. Most women feel like it goes against the grain to pursue... Flirting is okay, but full on pursuit??? Some people don't view it as lady-like, and it's anxiety-inducing for women, and it just feels UN-natural for WOMEN. Not saying ALL women are like this, but for women who are less extroverted, it might be better to at least say "hello" to her lol. You'll know early on if she's open to conversation.

 

 

 

I'm a woman. However there is a balance. As the woman you have to do Something to communicate to the guy that you would welcome his pursuit. You can't just sit home, never going out, never smiling at people, ignoring the whole world & expect some guy to swoop in & magically know it's OK to talk to you.

 

Yes, I definitely agree. And I enjoyed your story! Very interesting!

 

My only thing is, I feel like I'm already a pretty "friendly" woman to begin with. I may be a little on the more "reserved" side if I don't know someone well, but for the most part I'm VERY engaging, I smile quite often, laugh, I'm sometimes extroverted, etc. So I feel like I'm DOING the right things, but the only thing I am not good at (it seems) is gauging when a guy is truly interested, and when he's just being FRIENDLY.

 

So, I think because of this, this has hindered me from taking a bold step (ie. the comment you made when you gave him your business card). I figure if a guy doesn't see me flirting with him, then he's not interested (or not interested in me ENOUGH) to want to do anything about it.

 

Is that the wrong way to think?

 

 

 

I'm not a guy but I prefer men to be leaders in the pursuit. I will of course make sure the guy knows that I like him and am interested in him. I will flirt with him, strike up conversation etc. I'm also happy to make date suggestions and I believe in balanced communication.

 

However chasing a guy more than he's chasing me and going after him against my better instincts is not in my nature. It honestly makes me feel like the man in the relationship. It makes me feel utterly uncomfortable. I know it works for some women but it's just not my kind of thing. When I was 18, I chased more. I'd send text after text and I would try and push the relationship to the next level faster but it was very anxiety inducing. If my more laid back approach now puts off a few guys then so be it. I'd rather be genuine.

 

Call me anti-feminist if you like. But to me feminism is embracing all kinds of femininity.

 

I agree! I MUCH prefer the guy to lead the way...only because I've been in several situations where I THOUGHT the guy was interested, but he was just being "nice", or I pursued the guy, and he liked the attention and kept me on a string (showing interest, then acting cold, etc), but went and pursued the woman he REALLY had feelings for.

 

It just gave me the impression that pursuing or even showing a man I am really interested (BEFORE HE has shown clear cut signs of interest in ME) is a HUGE waste of time.

 

You don't know how many guys have told friends of mine: "Oh....I was just being friendly." Or, "I don't know why she got the wrong impression".

 

So now days I just feel like maybe it's just better for the guy to lead the way.

 

 

 

This is not always true. It is very hard to approach an attractive woman and strike up a conversation with her that leads to getting her number. It is not one of my skills. When I see an attractive girl, I have no way of knowing if she is taken or not interested, so my default is to do nothing.

 

NOTHING?? Not even try to strike up a conversation with her?

 

 

 

The problem with this sentiment is that it isn't a closed loop. The assumption being that a woman simply has to walk through a room and all interested men will come after her. Most men need some indication that their overtures are welcomed and not an annoyance.

 

There have probably been several men around you that were interested, but because they didn't see a clue/hint/opening chose not to do anything. The reason being is that they didn't see any indications that you wanted them.

 

Okay so WHAT signs (for you) would be enough of a "hint" that a woman would be "OPEN" to your pursuit or interest in her?? I'm genuinely curious! It seems men and women think differently in many different ways.

 

 

 

 

I totally agree with this. I've always been the pursuer but I need a green light for me to go ahead.

 

What actions/signs would be enough of a "Green Light" for you to make a move? I'm curious. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm not sending out enough "hints".

 

I feel like if I'm talking to a guy, enjoying the conversation, I'm not running for the hills, and I'm smiling and laughing, then shouldn't THAT alone be enough of a "green light" that he could pursue?

 

 

 

 

 

Whether or not I approach is more based on how easy the approach is, not how much I'm attracted to you.

 

Hmm....VERY interesting! What would be an "easy approach" for you?

 

I also have another question....

 

But then how come there are some guys (like Gumpy) who mention that if a woman seems "easy" to get then his interest will be turned OFF not on??

 

I feel like men say two different things lol!!

 

 

I'm genuinely confused now lol....

 

 

 

 

I admit to being very traditional, so if a woman pursued me or chased me, I felt indifferent to that. I liked interest from her, but I loved a woman who knew her worth and didn't let just any man catch her. I'm a hunter...I liked the chase, the pursuit, the shy smiles and nervous laughter...drawing out her wit, intelligence...working for her smiles, her touch, her kisses. Maybe that is Neanderthal now, but if any man could catch her, she wasn't for me...I was looking for connection, not an ego boost. I also ascribe to the same philosophy as my grandfather...the harder the goal, the dream, the work...the sweeter the payoff.

Everyone wants ease for everything these days so they never feel proud or happy with what they get because they didn't work for it. Women, when committed, work the hardest for the family and the relationship so it was only fair that I worked hard in the beginning to prove my interest.

Best,

G

 

 

See...THIS is how I've always assumed most men to be. And maybe personality styles of the man dictate whether he will be more a "hunter" or a "let her come to me" type. Or, maybe it depends on how ATTRACTED the man is to her, and whether he will go ahead and make a move (if she is REALLY attractive he will pursue).

 

I'm just curious as to whether I'm doing something wrong, because I feel like I give "open" signals and "green lights" (friendly with everyone, smile a lot, fun, never cross my arms or display a scowl on my face, etc.), but lately I don't find that I'm reeling anything in.

[SwordofFlame]

WI'm just curious as to whether I'm doing something wrong, because I feel like I give "open" signals and "green lights" (friendly with everyone, smile a lot, fun, never cross my arms or display a scowl on my face, etc.), but lately I don't find that I'm reeling anything in.

 

If you're friendly with everyone, how is a particular guy going to know if you're interested in them or just being friendly? If that's how you are with all men. Perhaps you need to change your behavior some to flirt more with guys that you have a romantic interest in? Maybe touch their arm, play with your hair more when you're talking to them? Basically, stuff you wouldn't do with every guy you talk to.

[Mystique01]

If you're friendly with everyone, how is a particular guy going to know if you're interested in them or just being friendly? If that's how you are with all men. Perhaps you need to change your behavior some to flirt more with guys that you have a romantic interest in? Maybe touch their arm, play with your hair more when you're talking to them? Basically, stuff you wouldn't do with every guy you talk to.

 

Well what I meant was I'm usually being friendly towards people.... You know, mainly women, and just people in GENERAL. I'm not going up to every single guy in the room and treating them ALL the same. That's not what I'm talking about here lol.

 

I'm just saying that I usually don't come across as being ANTI-social. I don't think a guy would worry that I would bite his head off in other words if he decided to come up to me and say hello.

[casey.lives]

Men who want to be courted???? i hate 2015.

[casey.lives]

Men are supposed to be brave - not pretty!!!!!!!

[casey.lives]

In my experience guy DO pursue women they want... even if it's in a sly pretend to be your "friend" or be "hurt" roundabout way. YES, THEY PURSUE!!!

If he's not ... HE' S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. sorry

[joseb]

Replies in bold.

 

Hope this helps somewhat?!

 

 

So... assuming the woman is friendly, smiles, and seems like a nice person....would you (as a man) if you found her attractive, feel inclined to pursue her? Or would you just leave it be? By "pursue" I mean things like: strike up a conversation, walk over to her side of the room, observe her, get her phone number, ask her out, flirt with her, etc.

 

Yes, I would - but I am not all guys. There are many guys who don't. I've spoken to a lot of women about this, and they say it's getting worse. I think a lot of guys are put off by the (smallish) percentage of women who are downright rude when you approach. I just accept that as part of the pain

 

Never???

Care to explain why? Are you shy?

The reason why I ask is because a lot of times, MANY women might be crushing on you, but if a woman doesn't get any clear cut sign that a man is interested in her (even striking up a small conversation), she will probably not pursue you.

 

 

Lots of guys won't. It's actually a hard thing to do for most guys (me included)

 

So I feel like I'm DOING the right things, but the only thing I am not good at (it seems) is gauging when a guy is truly interested, and when he's just being FRIENDLY.

 

Hmm, yet you seem to think guys, who generally speaking are poor at reading social cues, should know....

 

 

What actions/signs would be enough of a "Green Light" for you to make a move? I'm curious. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm not sending out enough "hints".

 

If I see a girl I like, and I am in the mood for it, then I will approach at the slightest hint. Like a look my way. I've given up trying to wait for some definite sign.

 

I also have another question....

 

But then how come there are some guys (like Gumpy) who mention that if a woman seems "easy" to get then his interest will be turned OFF not on??

 

I feel like men say two different things lol!!

 

I'm genuinely confused now lol....

 

That's because we are all not clones of each other!

Grumps is traditional, I'm actually not, but I still like to approach.

However, I wouldn't be put off by a woman approaching me if I was otherwise interested in her.

 

[filani]

@ mystique

 

I am all for making a move on a girl i'm attracted to but there has to be an assuarance that my approach will not end with me being thrown under the bus...publicly.

 

If a girl was intrested in me and she made a move first, I wouldn't look down on her at all. I would actually warm up to her for effort even if we don't become lovers.

 

I beleieve in reciprocity in my relationships, if i'm going out my way to signal intrest in a girl and she doesn't do likewise in a clear and upfront manner then I lose intrest and move on very quickly....not a fan of Chasing/Pursuing.

Edited November 5, 2015 by filani

[candie13]

Interested men act interested. I mean, even the most interested guys may loose interest, so imagine those who feel luke warm but enjoy the ego boost because you've asked them out

 

in the end, it all depends on what you want, the type of RS you care to have. Beginnings are always really frail, so ... yeah, I ain't messing around with that.

[PrettyEmily77]

You misunderstand because you are viewing it through your values and expectations instead of allowing me my own traditional views in relationships.

 

I'm very selective and have high expectations and therefore dated women with high expectations, common values and preferences. I wouldn't just chase any woman, she would have to be very special especially for a relationship, and in traditional relationships, the man pursues. That is why I made sure the OP knew the context of my ideology. A woman who pursues wouldn't be interesting to me and I wouldn't be interesting to her as she would want a more modern relationship. That is ok for other people but I was pointing out my experience.

Nonsensically, or not,

Grumps

 

I'm a woman and I could have written that post, although I don't exactly call it an 'ideolology'. I never enjoyed being pursued, exactly for the reasons you have stated: men who like to chase aren't always very discriminate and I was never really good at reading a guy's intentions, although I can definitely recognise signs of interest.

 

I'm not sure what's so modern about that

[MoreAmore]

If a guy is that interested and you're already in contact and you're flirting/receptive even in a quiet way, the guy will pursue usually.

 

I kissed my guy first because he wasn't picking up on flirting and then let him pursue me for a relationship.

 

Normally guys have pursued me much harder from the beginning.

 

A guy who is meh will go along if you pursue, but that's not really required if he is crazy into you.

 

Watch the guy's personality. Most guys pursue period.

 

My guy is introverted and very good looking and intelligent so was used to women coming to him and those are probably why he has ever pursued for the first step (but still pursued hard after that for a relationship.)

[phineas]

I ask a woman out once.

Any answer but yes = no & I move on.

If I get a date, i expect to see some form of interest on that date from her.

 

For example, i had a date last week.

got a peck on the lips.

 

Had a 2nd date tonight and I really couldn't tell if she was into me or not.

I broke the touch barrier a few times but sometimes she'd be close & sometimes she'd move out of reach.

 

I take her home and....just another peck on the lips.

I've lost interest.

 

If I asked her out again I'd consider it chasing and I don't chase.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Bull****, not always true