"If a guy is interested....he WILL pursue..."

[TheBathWater]

Okay, here's a question for the guys....

 

Most of my life I have had the belief that "if a guy is interested...he will pursue you..." I've been fed that line many times before. And based on personal experience, that logic is definitely true! Whenever I went AFTER a guy, it would never work out. But whenever I let the guy come to ME (ie. meaning he's definitely shown that he's attracted to me, he's interested, he talks to me, etc) things usually work out SO much better! Even super SHY guys in the past who were interested in me eventually made a move later on down the line.

 

But then, often I hear (or even read on message boards) an overwhelming amount of guys saying that this sentiment (guys will always pursue) is NOT always true! Some guys SWEAR that they won't always pursue a girl they are interested in or catches their eye (assuming the guy is SINGLE of course), and they will be just fine leaving things up to chance!

 

So....tell me guys... If there is a girl you meet/know of and you're REALLY interested in her, or you're really attracted to her (you just have to get to know her better), for the most part, will you pursue her or try to at least talk to her and be in her company? Or do you sometimes leave things up to chance (ie. wait for the girl to show interest in YOU first, wait for the girl to pursue YOU, or see if the girl has other qualities that you like)? BE HONEST!

 

Because from my experience usually a guy who is interested WILL do/say something, even it took him days, weeks, months, or even YEARS to do so!

 

I will at least attempt to gauge the interest of someone I'm interested in if I have ongoing contact with them. If they seem a little flirty with me or whatever, I take it as a sign and I do pursue. But if they're simply neutral and act that way with everyone else as they do with me, I probably won't risk it, either for fear of damaging social circle relations or rejection.

[katiegrl]

I ask a woman out once.

Any answer but yes = no & I move on.

If I get a date, i expect to see some form of interest on that date from her.

 

For example, i had a date last week.

got a peck on the lips.

 

Had a 2nd date tonight and I really couldn't tell if she was into me or not.

I broke the touch barrier a few times but sometimes she'd be close & sometimes she'd move out of reach.

 

I take her home and....just another peck on the lips.

I've lost interest.

 

If I asked her out again I'd consider it chasing and I don't chase.

 

I agree, she wasn't interested.

 

Were you though? I mean really? If so, why? I mean, obviously you guys just didn't click, (romantically) so does it really matter anyway?

 

If you did click, you wouldn't be wondering if she liked you or not, you'd just know she was. So would she (about you).

 

And you would have kissed each other!

 

But you didn't click, so no need to get pissy about it (if you are) and just continue dating until you find a woman you DO click with! Where you're not waiting for "her" to kiss you, and send you *signs* she's interested.

 

When two people feel that chemistry and are clicking, there's no wondering about anything, you'll just know.....and you pursue (not chase) each other!

 

Chasing implies one person is running away and the other has to chase them to catch them!

 

Ugh, no one should be doing that!

 

You meet, you click and you pursue *each other*. In words, mannerisms and actions.

 

And if you don't ckick (on a romantic level), just move on....next.

 

Which I guess is what you have chosen to do phineas, so good for you, smart move.

Edited November 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[LilaMarie]

I was just dating this great guy. It ended because he felt I should throw myself at him. I got tired of acting like the man and asking when we would hang out again, etc. He obviously does not believe in pursuing me. I made it clear on my OLD profile I am more of a traditionalist, apparently he ignored that. He said his ex-wife and last exgf both cheated on him....I guess that's what he is attracted to.

 

 

So yes, I definitely believe the man should pursue but we as women should give the guy signals to let him know we are interested.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I was just dating this great guy. It ended because he felt I should throw myself at him. I got tired of acting like the man and asking when we would hang out again, etc. He obviously does not believe in pursuing me. I made it clear on my OLD profile I am more of a traditionalist, apparently he ignored that. He said his ex-wife and last exgf both cheated on him....I guess that's what he is attracted to.

 

 

So yes, I definitely believe the man should pursue but we as women should give the guy signals to let him know we are interested.

 

Yup typical of most women

[LilaMarie]

Xxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx

[phineas]

I agree, she wasn't interested.

 

Were you though? I mean really? If so, why? I mean, obviously you guys just didn't click, (romantically) so does it really matter anyway?

 

If you did click, you wouldn't be wondering if she liked you or not, you'd just know she was. So would she (about you).

 

And you would have kissed each other!

 

But you didn't click, so no need to get pissy about it (if you are) and just continue dating until you find a woman you DO click with! Where you're not waiting for "her" to kiss you, and send you *signs* she's interested.

 

When two people feel that chemistry and are clicking, there's no wondering about anything, you'll just know.....and you pursue (not chase) each other!

 

Chasing implies one person is running away and the other has to chase them to catch them!

 

Ugh, no one should be doing that!

 

You meet, you click and you pursue *each other*. In words, mannerisms and actions.

 

And if you don't ckick (on a romantic level), just move on....next.

 

Which I guess is what you have chosen to do phineas, so good for you, smart move.

 

Not mad.

 

However i get the feeling she is more than happy to let me keep taking her out and paying even though she isn't interested and therefore I'm going to not see her again.

[katiegrl]

Not mad.

 

However i get the feeling she is more than happy to let me keep taking her out and paying even though she isn't interested and therefore I'm going to not see her again.

 

Easy solution. Not with her, cause there is nothing there anyway, but for the first few dates with a new woman, plan things that don't cost much money!

 

No fancy dinners, nights on the town, etc. Do low key stuff, and trust me if there is chemistry and you are both clicking, she won't care!

 

She'll be happy just spending time with you.... getting to know you.

 

And if you get the sense all she's into is being "taken out" to dinners, dancing, drinks, etc.....then it's next! Just like you did with this chick...

[Zippy2000]

I was just dating this great guy. It ended because he felt I should throw myself at him. I got tired of acting like the man and asking when we would hang out again, etc. He obviously does not believe in pursuing me. I made it clear on my OLD profile I am more of a traditionalist, apparently he ignored that. He said his ex-wife and last exgf both cheated on him....I guess that's what he is attracted to.

 

 

So yes, I definitely believe the man should pursue but we as women should give the guy signals to let him know we are interested.

 

I agree. Of course men should pursue. If we dont there are another million men who will take the place.

 

Ive never heard of so many ambivalent or complacent men on here who say they dont chase. No wonder they are single and on a relationship forum.

[katiegrl]

I agree. Of course men should pursue. If we dont there are another million men who will take the place.

 

Ive never heard of so many ambivalent or complacent men on here who say they dont chase. No wonder they are single and on a relationship forum.

 

Zippy, said this before, maybe you missed it.

 

But no one should "chase." Pursue yes, chase no.

 

Chasing a woman (or man if roles are reversed) implies she is running away from you (doesn't want to be with you) ...and you need to *chase* her to catch her.

 

Why would you or any man want a woman who is running away from you and doesn't want to be with you? That's nuts, so no never ever *chase*.

 

Pursue, yes! I like a man to initiate the first few dates, and once we both know there is something there..at that point we **pursue each other**!

 

If he initiates, then I reciprocate. And vice versa. Equal back and forth, give and take...

 

Imo that's the the best and in my case, always led to long term relationships...

Edited November 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[siriusp]

I agree. Of course men should pursue. If we dont there are another million men who will take the place.

 

Ive never heard of so many ambivalent or complacent men on here who say they dont chase. No wonder they are single and on a relationship forum.

 

I know plenty of men (that don't do the online dating thing) and they will never pursue - but have plenty of women going to them.

 

I read that Romanian men, for example, think it's more macho to have the women go after them! (How true this is - I have no idea).

 

Personally - I think it is nonsense. If one person shows the other interest and the other responds - then that's fine. If one person pursues another - and there is no response - that's just creepy/clingy. Yuck!

[filani]

Zippy, said this before, maybe you missed it.

 

But no one should "chase." Pursue yes, chase no.

 

Chasing a woman (or man if roles are reversed) implies she is running away from you (doesn't want to be with you) ...and you need to *chase* her to catch her.

 

Why would you or any man want a woman who is running away from you and doesn't want to be with you? That's nuts, so no never ever *chase*.

 

Pursue, yes! I like a man to initiate the first few dates, and once we both know there is something there..at that point we **pursue each other**!

 

If he initiates, then I reciprocate. And vice versa. Equal back and forth, give and take...

 

Imo that's the the best and in my case, always led to long term rrelationships...

 

^^^^

 

This! Katie nailed it. MUTUAL PURSUIT is the key.

[truth_seeker]

 

So....tell me guys... If there is a girl you meet/know of and you're REALLY interested in her, or you're really attracted to her (you just have to get to know her better), for the most part, will you pursue her or try to at least talk to her and be in her company? Or do you sometimes leave things up to chance (ie. wait for the girl to show interest in YOU first, wait for the girl to pursue YOU, or see if the girl has other qualities that you like)? BE HONEST!

 

Because from my experience usually a guy who is interested WILL do/say something, even it took him days, weeks, months, or even YEARS to do so!

 

I prefer the woman coming to me. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a brick to see what's going on around me. So I'm not that good at reading signals, taking hints, nor do I react well to them. I really need the woman to approach me and initiate a conversation. Once that happens, I go for it (ask for her number).

[empresario]

Men who want to be courted???? i hate 2015.

 

Hey, it works out for those of us that are still confident and fearless. The world is 51% female, yet some men are still single. And they call it luck when someone finds a girlfriend.

 

 

Even when I was 6'2'' 155lbs, pale white, bowl haircut, and played video games 10 hours a day....I still could find a girlfriend. She may not have been traditionally beautiful, but it wasn't particularly hard given you made some attempt.

 

 

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore" - Professor Farnsworth

[Mystique01]

Interested men act interested. I mean, even the most interested guys may loose interest, so imagine those who feel luke warm but enjoy the ego boost because you've asked them out

 

in the end, it all depends on what you want, the type of RS you care to have. Beginnings are always really frail, so ... yeah, I ain't messing around with that.

 

Yes, this has been my experience as well! And yes, I agree that the beginning is so frail, so I think it's best for a guy to make the first move. Why?? Because a woman's interest can always change and become MORE interested if the guy is showing interest in HER. But for a man, I think he knows pretty much off the bat which woman he's attracted to enough to want to sustain a LONG-lasting relationship with. So, if he's not attracted enough to make a move, then I assume he must not be attracted enough.

 

 

 

The story of MY life is that I've had several guys casually mention to me years later that yeah, I had a huge crush on you back then.. And I'm like, wow, okay, I had no idea. Which means that the interest was there, but there was NO pursuing whatsoever. On the other hand, if I'm interested in someone and get at least some vibes that it's mutual, then I've done the "chasing", which means I come 90% of the way (just short of asking them out or saying "I like you" to their face) and let them get the hint and come the extra mile. And that has worked MOST of the time, but then again it has always ended for some reason or another, possibly because they never felt like they got to conquer me or work hard to get me or something...

 

So I don't know. If I don't do anything, then nothing will happen. If I do something, then it won't work out. Lose-lose!!

Yea, that's gotta be frustrating I'm sure. Did you ask them why they never went after you or made their interest known?

 

Idk why, but I just assume that if a guy isn't making SOME hint that he's interested in me, I just assume that he's not interested in me enough to want to do anything. I think he if were really interested he would have said/done SOMETHING by now...even if it was just teasing me or throwing spit balls in my hair.... lol SOMETHING!

 

In my experience guy DO pursue women they want... even if it's in a sly pretend to be your "friend" or be "hurt" roundabout way. YES, THEY PURSUE!!!

If he's not ... HE' S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. sorry

Yea and see...this has been MY experience as well!

 

Look, I'm not going to deny that for SOME women, them going after a man actually WORKS for them. Obviously, it must work for some women, otherwise they wouldn't do it. So, for SOME women, they can chase after a man and the man will be okay with it or will date them. Maybe even marry them. But for me???? I have just come to realize (after years of experience and observation) that I must not be THAT type of woman. I have NEVER actively gone after a guy and it ended up in a SERIOUS relationship/marriage. NEVER!

 

Usually, either the guy started to sense I was interested in him and he 1) started acting "funny", weird, or distant 2) he flat out told me he wasn't interested , or 3) he enjoyed the attention and was flattered, but he had lukewarm interest and kept me as a "backburner girl" instead of truly pursuing something and making me his gf.

 

 

HANDS down this has ALWAYS been my experience. So, Idk where you guys are coming up with answers such as: "oh yea, if she pursues me I would be all over that..." Lol...THat has just not been my experience. I think guys like it in THEORY, but when a girl actually DOES make her interest known in a clear way, guys don't know what to do! Or, they may like it at first, but then later on down the line they start to wonder: "hey...why is she pursuing me? Is she not being pursued by other men? What's wrong with her?"

 

Replies in bold.

 

Hope this helps somewhat?!

Yes, that was helpful! Thanks!

 

 

@ mystique

 

I am all for making a move on a girl i'm attracted to but there has to be an assuarance that my approach will not end with me being thrown under the bus...publicly.

 

If a girl was intrested in me and she made a move first, I wouldn't look down on her at all. I would actually warm up to her for effort even if we don't become lovers.

 

I beleieve in reciprocity in my relationships, if i'm going out my way to signal intrest in a girl and she doesn't do likewise in a clear and upfront manner then I lose intrest and move on very quickly....not a fan of Chasing/Pursuing.

 

Thanks for your input. I'm just curious as to what signs exactly would give you the impression that a woman would:

 

-Be receptive to your interest

vs.

-Throw you under the bus

 

How can you know that if you haven't even tried?

 

 

 

I prefer the woman coming to me. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a brick to see what's going on around me. So I'm not that good at reading signals, taking hints, nor do I react well to them. I really need the woman to approach me and initiate a conversation. Once that happens, I go for it (ask for her number).

 

But see....when men say this, what I've always found is that what they REALLY mean is that they prefer women they are INTERESTED IN or ATTRACTED to coming to them. You wouldn't want just any woman coming to you would you?

 

I've just always heard that there's a caveat to that.....You want a woman YOU want making the first move.

[katiegrl]

I prefer the woman coming to me. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a brick to see what's going on around me. So I'm not that good at reading signals, taking hints, nor do I react well to them. I really need the woman to approach me and initiate a conversation. Once that happens, I go for it (ask for her number).

 

Why though? Why do you have to be sure before you ask a woman out?

 

Not getting that. Why not take a risk? What's the worst that can happen? She says no, so what? Will you die if she says no?

 

No you won't, life goes on.... and you grow stronger as a result.

 

But wait! What if she says yes!! Did that ever occur to you?

 

I just don't get why people can't take a chance anymore. It's like they think they will die or something if they get rejected. They have to be 100% sure before they will risk it.

 

In fact they anticipate rejection! How freaking sad.

 

Why not anticipate that she might say yes!

 

What the hell happened to the men in our society today? How did they grow up to be such pansies who can't take a chance without being *sure*???

 

Not all guys obviously, but many. It wasn't always this way. I am not old (37) but I remember a time when men were men and had no problem taking a risk.

 

So sad.

[Mystique01]

I just don't think women "grow" on men like men can grow on women. I don't think just because a woman is showing interest in a man that he automatically starts liking her lol.

 

If he wasn't interested in her from the start, I don't think he wakes up one day and suddenly says to himself: "OMG! She's interested in me....now I'm finding that I'm interested in her too!!!" Lol! I just don't think it works that way with men. But correct me if I'm wrong!

[PrettyEmily77]

I guess I'll never get these 'men only should pursue, women should give signs' threads.

 

Parity movements have fought hard for women to get to where they are now and it feels odd we should act so coy when it comes to expressing our interest directly to men we want to approach.

 

I've approached most of the guys I got in Rs / had dates with without a single thought and they all seemed to have appreciate it. And I am no dominatrix and none were insecure, passive guys.

 

I never even thought it could have been an issue or that the men I approached could have felt weird about it. I am only interested in LTRs and have zero time for players, and have no problem taking the occasional rejection (I have found men to be overwhelmingly more chilled out and overall nicer than I ever was when approached myself, once they get over the surprise).

 

Here is the only place I've seen it be an issue, and had I come across LS long before meeting my BF, I may have missed out on an amazing relationship.

 

IME (through talking with and observing male friends and my brother), men approaching / pursuing don't always do it out of genuine interest - love of the chase, boredom, honing their seduction skills, just because the woman shows an interest... And those who are interested don't always approach (nerves, shyness, fear of rejection, timing,...).

[oberkeat]

Why though? Why do you have to be sure before you ask a woman out?

 

Not getting that. Why not take a risk? What's the worst that can happen? She says no, so what? Will you die if she says no?

 

No you won't, life goes on.... and you grow stronger as a result.

 

But wait! What if she says yes!! Did that ever occur to you?

 

I just don't get why people can't take a chance anymore. It's like they think they will die or something if they get rejected. They have to be 100% sure before they will risk it.

 

In fact they anticipate rejection! How freaking sad.

 

Why not anticipate that she might say yes!

 

What the hell happened to the men in our society today? How did they grow up to be such pansies who can't take a chance without being *sure*???

 

Not all guys obviously, but many. It wasn't always this way. I am not old (37) but I remember a time when men were men and had no problem taking a risk.

 

So sad.

 

Getting rejected sucks. Some women can be downright horrible when they reject a guy. Nobody wants to experience that.

[sambolini]

As a man, I've done the pursuing and been pursued. It's never been a strictly "one way or the other" dating paradigm for me.

 

I think people make it far too complicated. If you like someone, let them know. Games are for kids and Olympians.

 

I have no problem pursuing, but a woman who says "I never pursue" is a red flag for me. You want something, yet expect it to come to you? Life doesn't work that way. If you want something, you gotta go work for it.

 

It just screams entitlement to me.

[sambolini]

Getting rejected sucks. Some women can be downright horrible when they reject a guy. Nobody wants to experience that.

 

She's got a point, though. Lack of participation is a guaranteed 100% failure rate.

 

The only addendum I'd add to her post is that the very same rules apply to women as well.

[loveflower]

I'm a woman. However there is a balance. As the woman you have to do Something to communicate to the guy that you would welcome his pursuit. You can't just sit home, never going out, never smiling at people, ignoring the whole world & expect some guy to swoop in & magically know it's OK to talk to you.

 

For example, I met a guy at a singles' mixer several years ago. We got to talking about work. Turned out he was in the market to hire somebody in my field to do a project. When it was time for me to take my leave, because I had another appointment after the singles' event, I handed him my business card. When I did, I told him I'd be happy to address his professional need but I'd be happier if called me for social reasons. A few days later he called. When we went out to dinner on our date, he confessed that if I had not said that he never would have had the nerve to ask me out because he thought I was out of his league & until I said that he didn't think I was interested. I was blown away because I thought I was shamelessly flirting my butt off.

 

Chasing doesn't always net good results but sometimes you do have to practically hit a guy over the head with a proverbial 2x4 to make sure he knows he has a green light & if he asks for a date your answer will be yes, It's scary & intimidating for many guys to always have to risk rejection by being the one who asks.

 

Thank you so so much for sharing. Have to keep this in mind. I think this is the reason why I am still single. I don't know how to flirt and show interest. I thought it's a shame that a woman shows obvious interest.

[loveflower]

The story of MY life is that I've had several guys casually mention to me years later that yeah, I had a huge crush on you back then.. And I'm like, wow, okay, I had no idea. Which means that the interest was there, but there was NO pursuing whatsoever. On the other hand, if I'm interested in someone and get at least some vibes that it's mutual, then I've done the "chasing", which means I come 90% of the way (just short of asking them out or saying "I like you" to their face) and let them get the hint and come the extra mile. And that has worked MOST of the time, but then again it has always ended for some reason or another, possibly because they never felt like they got to conquer me or work hard to get me or something...

 

So I don't know. If I don't do anything, then nothing will happen. If I do something, then it won't work out. Lose-lose!!

 

A woman just can never win!

[loveflower]

my problem is: the men who pursuit are not the ones I am interested. The ones I interested didn't pursue.

 

Never can win!

[Mystique01]

As a man, I've done the pursuing and been pursued. It's never been a strictly "one way or the other" dating paradigm for me.

 

I think people make it far too complicated. If you like someone, let them know. Games are for kids and Olympians.

 

I have no problem pursuing, but a woman who says "I never pursue" is a red flag for me. You want something, yet expect it to come to you? Life doesn't work that way. If you want something, you gotta go work for it.

 

It just screams entitlement to me.

 

I think that's a common misconception men have about women though.

 

It's not so much "entitlement" as more so it doesn't usually work.

 

Like I mentioned before, for SOME women, pursuing a guy actually works. But for OTHER women, it just doesn't work!

 

The way I view it, if I'm being nice, friendly, engaging, I'm smiling, etc.... then why wouldn't a guy feel comfortable enough to approach me?

 

I would have zero qualms approaching a guy if I felt like it would work in my favor. In MY experience, usually most men know what they want and go after it, so if they are NOT giving me any attention whatsoever, I assume they're not interested. Plain and simple.

 

I'm just tired of guys acting strange whenever I'm being "friendly" towards them. I'm not even asking them on a date, I'm just being NICE, acknowledging them, etc. But even THAT makes them look like a deer caught in highlights.

 

I'd rather just leave it up to them and approach me because then I'll KNOW for sure there must be an interest. Like I said, I don't think women "grow" on men. So, it's better to let the MAN pursue and show that he might have an interest/attraction.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think that's a common misconception men have about women though.

 

It's not so much "entitlement" as more so it doesn't usually work.

 

Like I mentioned before, for SOME women, pursuing a guy actually works. But for OTHER women, it just doesn't work!

 

The way I view it, if I'm being nice, friendly, engaging, I'm smiling, etc.... then why wouldn't a guy feel comfortable enough to approach me?

 

I would have zero qualms approaching a guy if I felt like it would work in my favor. In MY experience, usually most men know what they want and go after it, so if they are NOT giving me any attention whatsoever, I assume they're not interested. Plain and simple.

 

I'm just tired of guys acting strange whenever I'm being "friendly" towards them. I'm not even asking them on a date, I'm just being NICE, acknowledging them, etc. But even THAT makes them look like a deer caught in highlights.

 

I'd rather just leave it up to them and approach me because then I'll KNOW for sure there must be an interest. Like I said, I don't think women "grow" on men. So, it's better to let the MAN pursue and show that he might have an interest/attraction.

 

Maybe it happens so seldom they don't know how to respond? Maybe they hold onto the notion that if you are interested in them, since they have such low self worth or such a confused idea of who they are as men and how they are supposed to act due to progressiveness in dating, you must be desperate.

 

It is interesting watching the dating process between lesbians. My daughter is definitely aggressive in pursuit, and she goes for more reserved women. She is like her poppy. She is a very girly girl but she acts like me in this respect. My son is always being pursued by women and I am pretty sure he hasn't actually asked anyone out in his life. He is very shy but easy going and somehow manages to have a gf with several others pursuing him at all times. He is extremely laid back. He absolutely is not like me, more like his mother in that he doesn't pursue. I'm pretty sure this is a personality thing and not a gender thing. My oldest daughter has always been open to either pursuing or accepting of pursuit. She had her heart broken young but thankfully she didn't let it deter her from reaching out to others or to accepting attention and pursuit.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that it is the people who are different in their approach to dating...not the gender. I think all of my kids are very healthy in their dating lives and have enjoyed some really important relationship milestones. In fact I have a son in law now that I like very much...they were mutual participants in their courtship and marriage. They are very modern and I'm very proud of their compassion and devotion to each other and my grand baby.

 

You do what makes you happy. It doesn't matter the style or the attempts but the openness to receiving when someone asks or accepts when you both are interested in each other.

Best,

Grumps

Edited November 6, 2015 by Grumpybutfun