Affair out in the open....now what?

[lost808]

I have been dating a married man for a year now. He has four kids and still lives with his wife. We work together.

 

Our affair is completely out in the open and has been for a few months, everyone at work , in town and his wife knows. She has been asking around about it and she even came to see me at work. It seems to me like he is planning to leave but he does not know how...because of the kids.

 

She is trying her best to make him stay, but they are not getting along at all. It is very obvious that he loves me, I have no doubt about that and everyone can see that but I want to know from OW who have been in this situation before ....

 

Is there a likely hood he is planning on leaving? Is it normal for MM to let his wife know and continue the relationship with OW regardless? How should I handle this situation?

 

Usually if a MM is not serious about OW then he would end the relationship as soon as his W finds out right? Or at least try to hide it?

 

My feelings are all over the place, I don't know what to do....I know I love him, I know hes not happily married....but I'm feeling so confused. I don't want to push him or add pressure?

 

( Please don't waste your time telling me to leave him because that's not going to happen anytime soon, at least not yet.I love him. )

[MuddyFootprints]

He's likely going to try to keep things status quo. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

[Survivor12]

It's called "Triangulation". By each of you knowing about the other & competing over him, he's got it made!

 

He isn't throwing that away anytime soon.

[lost808]

And if he is getting off on this ''Triangulation'' thing......what happens when his Wife decides shes had enough and wants to leave? because I think she will reach that point soon.....

 

Will he then end his relationship with me?

[goodyblue]

There is just really no way of knowing. Have you asked him what he is planning? When my h and I were involved in our affair it was pretty short, less than a year, and he had a concrete plan in place. We were very clear about our intentions and I gave him a date, not of when he had to leave, but of when I would walk in order to save my sanity if he hadn't. That way it was preserving my own mental health rather than demanding things. But be clear, I WOULD have walked away.

 

It sounds to me that, even tho he is open about you, it is still cake eating. Not only that, his wife is trying to get him to stay which means each day he continues to see you he is openly and with purpose, hurting her. Possibly even passive-aggressively trying to force her into making the final decision which, to be fair, is a bit unkind, wouldn't you agree?

 

I would advise you to speak with him candidly and be clear about your intentions and needs. Make him do the same. You must just be going crazy with all of this. Why do we, as OW, allow these men to call all the shots? Why are we afraid to state our needs? If we are afraid they will end it, they are not worth it. He should be worrying about you, his wife and any kids as much as himself. He is the common denominator in all of this.

 

Be clear, precise, and don't say anything you do not absolutely mean.

 

Good luck.

[Quiet Storm]

They could live for years like that. Dysfunctional, unhappy relationships can last lifetimes. An emotionally healthy, well balanced individual could not live in a relationship like that for long.

 

Your MM dealt with his unhappiness by cheating, flaunts his infidelity and is being downright mean & disrespectful to his wife. This is his kids mother, even if he's done with her romantically. Not the most well balanced and emotionally mature guy we are talking about here.

 

What will prompt him to change? If his kids are the reason why he's stayed all this time, why would that change now?

 

It's likely he will keep trying to have both- the intact family with an OW that makes his "miserable" life tolerable.

[anika99]

( Please don't waste your time telling me to leave him because that's not going to happen anytime soon, at least not yet.I love him. )

 

Well looks like his wife feels the same way about not leaving him and meanwhile he's basking in the attention of 2 women. He's got both of you hanging on and hoping to be picked. Lucky Guy! I don't imagine he's going to give up either relationship. Why would he spoil his fun if he doesn't have to.

[ladydesigner]

They could live for years like that. Dysfunctional, unhappy relationships can last lifetimes. An emotionally healthy, well balanced individual could not live in a relationship like that for long.

 

Your MM dealt with his unhappiness by cheating, flaunts his infidelity and is being downright mean & disrespectful to his wife. This is his kids mother, even if he's done with her romantically. Not the most well balanced and emotionally mature guy we are talking about here.

 

What will prompt him to change? If his kids are the reason why he's stayed all this time, why would that change now?

 

It's likely he will keep trying to have both- the intact family with an OW that makes his "miserable" life tolerable.

 

Yep this ^ I am currently in a miserable M due to my WH's LTA (It's over now but MOW would have gone on indefinitely if WH had not ended for good). I'm just not ready to D yet.

 

You say you love this MM and I believe you just not sure if you want this relationship to come at the expense of your mental health as well? Be careful, now that the A is out in the open anything can happen. He could end the A, wife could get a D, MM might take the A underground with you for another x amount of years. How would you like to spend YOUR time?

[lost808]

Thank you Goodyblue for your advice. Yes it is driving me insane....I am so scared of getting hurt I have almost walked away a few times, but I cant.

 

I have asked him his plans but he is not really the kind of guy that talks much. He left for about week last month but he went back because she was threatening him with child support and not being able to see his kids. ( that was his reasons anyway)

 

Right now he says he does not know what to do, but he does not planning on staying there forever? He looks very stressed when ever I ask those kinds of questions, so I am not trying to push to much because I know how hard it is to leave a marriage, and especially with 4 kids....but I would like to have more clarity on where we stand.

 

I also have the feeling that he is forcing his wife to be the one to make the decision to end it...but why? Why do people do that? What would be the purpose of him needing her to be the one to end it?

[lost808]

Ladydesigner - He knows that I will not go ''underground'' with our relationship. If it got to that point I would know for sure he has no intentions of leaving and I would end it for sure.

[Ms. Faust]

He left for about week last month but he went back because she was threatening him with child support and not being able to see his kids. ( that was his reasons anyway)

 

I hate the way people put this... "threatening" with child support. How did she "threaten" him with child support? That is not a threat. That is a fact. He leaves, he pays child support. He made 4 kids with her, he pays. So basically he abandoned his family for an entire month, left the kids to be raised by their mom, and balked at the idea of providing financial assistance?

 

I hate deadbeats. Hate, hate, hate deadbeats.

 

He leaves, he pays.

 

Threatening. Sheesh.

[goodyblue]

Thank you Goodyblue for your advice. Yes it is driving me insane....I am so scared of getting hurt I have almost walked away a few times, but I cant.

 

I have asked him his plans but he is not really the kind of guy that talks much. He left for about week last month but he went back because she was threatening him with child support and not being able to see his kids. ( that was his reasons anyway)

 

Right now he says he does not know what to do, but he does not planning on staying there forever? He looks very stressed when ever I ask those kinds of questions, so I am not trying to push to much because I know how hard it is to leave a marriage, and especially with 4 kids....but I would like to have more clarity on where we stand.

 

I also have the feeling that he is forcing his wife to be the one to make the decision to end it...but why? Why do people do that? What would be the purpose of him needing her to be the one to end it?

 

He wants to be able to say it was she who ended the marriage. As backward as it is, in his mind he can tell himself that she wanted the divorce.

[anika99]

Yeah, even if she ends the marriage he is still going to pay child support and possibly alimony. Was he really thinking he could just walk away from his financial obligations to his family? What a prize he sounds like.

[Ms. Faust]

Yeah, even if she ends the marriage he is still going to pay child support and possibly alimony. Was he really thinking he could just walk away from his financial obligations to his family? What a prize he sounds like.

 

Exactly, and the fact is the wife is right, it is true. He leaves, he pays child support AND he will see his kids 50% of the time or less. It is not a threat. It is the way it works when people leave the marriage.

[Quiet Storm]

 

I also have the feeling that he is forcing his wife to be the one to make the decision to end it...but why? Why do people do that? What would be the purpose of him needing her to be the one to end it?

 

Because he's weak. He has some major character flaws. You are expecting him to behave like a strong, well balanced, stand up guy. See him how he really is...not who you wish he could be.

[lost808]

Sorry MSFAUST for using the wrong word regarding child support - I did not mean offense.

[Dylon]

How long have you known him? How well? Is he the kind of guy that is firm and will take action if he loves you or like most in this situation, probably going to drag forever if he will leave his wife at all. I feel that this will be a long road of pain for you and it will just hurt more and last a long time. I know that no one here can really talk you out of this so be prepare for a long ride, one that probably won't end well for you. I'm sorry it started. Keep you head as clear and strong as possible and read others' problems here. It will help you keep things in perspective as you move forward.

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry MSFAUST for using the wrong word regarding child support - I did not mean offense.

 

Well, I think you answered your own question in regards to whether or not he is going to leave anytime soon. I know I sound like a broken record on these OW/M forums, but my thing is always about the money. How much assets vs. debts they have, kids, whether they are in the U.S. looking down the alimony barrel, etc. That is not including paying for the divorce.

 

Money plays a huge, huge, HUGE decision in whether or not a couple goes through with splitting up... especially someone in a long term marriage with 4 kids and a wife who possibly earns considerably less.

 

Even the ones who are affluent hesitate to leave, because splitting money is bad enough, splitting your assets 50/50 with someone you don't even like is worse.

 

Believe me, if money was not a factor we wouldn't have so many OW on here wondering whether or not their MM would leave.

[lost808]

Wow - That threaten word really upset some people. My bad.

 

She had called him up telling him he would be paying $2000 per child...that's about $8,000 a month? I don't think that's right? I could be wrong but that's what I meant by threatening ( sorry for using that word)

 

He said he would take care of his kids, he does really love his kids and I don't think he wants to leave his kids and I think that is also part of his struggle. He has a good job and he is really good with his money. I also have a good job.

[lookingforclosure]

IME... my xMM was unhappy in his marriage as well, but he never left. Claimed to have had a broken marriage for years. We ended the relationship for several months and then he came back saying he was still unhappy, couldn't live like that anymore, and that he was still in love me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the W actually moved out...I was tossed aside and he's been jumping through hoops for months to try and get her back. So it can go either way

[Ms. Faust]

Wow - That threaten word really upset some people. My bad.

 

She had called him up telling him he would be paying $2000 per child...that's about $8,000 a month? I don't think that's right? I could be wrong but that's what I meant by threatening ( sorry for using that word)

 

Threatening implies that the wife is maliciously holding CS over the MM's head to keep him with her... but it's just a fact: if he is going to be with you he's going to spend less time with the kidlets and will have to pay child support. I know sometimes OW/M tend to use language that villainizes the betrayed spouse, because that is usually what the wayward spouse has spoonfed them. Sometimes it may be appropriate, but in the context of child support it is not.

 

Moving on, how much he pays depends largely on where he lives, her job, how much he makes, how much time he has with the kids, etc etc. If you are privy to how much their household income is you can go online and use one of those child support calculators and see how much he is looking at.

 

If he is a very high earner, living in a high cost of living area then 2k/kid wouldn't be unreasonable, though it sounds high to me. And child support (at least in the U.S.) is going to be based on gross income, not net.

 

He can very well be good with money, but can he afford to leave?

[Tayla]

And if he is getting off on this ''Triangulation'' thing......what happens when his Wife decides shes had enough and wants to leave? because I think she will reach that point soon.....

 

Will he then end his relationship with me?

 

Well, we sure can hope it ends amicably.

 

What makes this man worth ruining a marriage? Are you his first mistress? How well do you accept this role?

[anika99]

Wow - That threaten word really upset some people. My bad.

 

She had called him up telling him he would be paying $2000 per child...that's about $8,000 a month? I don't think that's right? I could be wrong but that's what I meant by threatening ( sorry for using that word)

 

He said he would take care of his kids, he does really love his kids and I don't think he wants to leave his kids and I think that is also part of his struggle. He has a good job and he is really good with his money. I also have a good job.

 

She could tell him he's going to pay a million dollars per child. That doesn't make it true. The amount of child support she receives is not up to her, it's up to the courts. If your MM is serious about leaving then he would be contacting a lawyer to find out the facts.

[Sassy Girl]

The fact that he hasn't even been to see a lawyer to figure it what life looks like divorced is a very telling sign. He's not seriously considers it at all. He played house for a week and decided it was too hard and went back.

 

Unfortunately because you've not ended things after months all you've shown him is that you are willing to live with the status quo.

 

What a thing for his children to witness! how dysfunctional.

 

In any case, if you do get your wish it doesn't sound like you're altogether very prepared to be the step mother to four children who are suffering.

 

I think you've both been living in fantasy land, but hey I could be wrong. Time to start making plans - he needs to $hit or get off the pot.

[DKT3]

And if he is getting off on this ''Triangulation'' thing......what happens when his Wife decides shes had enough and wants to leave? because I think she will reach that point soon.....

 

Will he then end his relationship with me?

 

If she leaves his focus will change. Will he dump you? Honestly its the most common outcome in that situation.

 

Now, in being honest with yourself how would your affair work if he said "I'm never leaving my wife, our relationship isn't great but its ok enough to stay for my kids" at best (for you) that is what he is saying with his actions. At worst he is simply looking to have both.