Affair out in the open....now what?

[OldRover]

Lost88,

 

There's a LOT of factors here, and a lot of unknowns.

 

First, you don't have a ton of time with him, as a year is just long enough to start to get to know him... but will still hurt if you break up, but not forever.

 

You need to decide what you want. You may be happy with the status quo, you have been for a year. And you may want more... him all to yourself. Even if he leaves his wife, he will be involved with her and the kids until the kids are at least out on their own. How old are the kids?

 

And, we don't know why he is unhappy. She could really be a lousy wife with reason to dislike, or it could be him, or both. I don't subscribe to the "cake eater" nonsense. He only gets two women if they accept that, and doesn't sound like he's found of the wife. And destroying a marriage doesn't necessarily come from one person.

 

Just because it's out in the open, doesn't mean you or he need to rush things. If he decides that divorce is the thing, it could take months or years. And, no one knows what the outcome will be until the judge signs the paper. He may or may not pay child support, alimony or whatever.... she may. Just don't know, and the state will have a lot to do with it. And just because he isn't seeing a lawyer doesn't mean he's not serious about divorce.

 

You need to decide on what YOU want, and have a serious discussion with him as to how you two will work out in the future, if at all. You probably know that statistics are against you, but I hate to see you hurt (or anyone), regardless of how you got into this.

 

Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

A few things come to mind right away - yes, child support for 4 kids will be very expensive. And don't ever underestimate the power of money to make a man stay right where he is. Men simply do not put the same value on love that women do. So, even if he loves you dearly, do not be surprised if money takes precedence over you. Secondly, if the two of you do end up together, be prepared for this financial demand and how it will impact your lives.

 

But the biggest thing that I find pretty glaring is the fact that the two of you are flaunting this affair in front of his wife like it's somehow the cool thing to do. You state the you won't go underground, like that's somehow admirable. Most people having affairs tend to hide that fact - not because they're ashamed of the love they have for one another - but because they don't want to cause pain to others.

 

It seems that both of you callously don't concern yourselves with how this is affecting his wife. This woman is desperately trying to keep her family together and if you were in her shoes, you'd be doing the same thing. You don't really know why MM is so unhappy in his marriage so please be careful about judging the situation. I'd also be very, very careful about being so bold about causing this kind of pain to someone else.

 

I've been on both sides of this fence. I've had an affair and I had a husband who cheated on me. I left my husband, and had the affair later when I was single. But I'll tell you that I'll never forget how horrible my husband's cheating was for me. I remember hardly being able to eat for weeks. I remember being so torn up that I constantly had diarrhea. I would also wake up in the middle of the night having horrible dreams and crying. So, no matter how dumb I was to get involved with a MM, I wasn't so obtuse that I wanted his wife to find out about it. If you're ok with hurting someone the way you are, then I suppose that's your prerogative. But I think you and MM need to re-think what you're doing. "Because I love him" doesn't excuse everything. Just saying.

Edited November 4, 2015 by bathtub-row

[LimeBlue]

He is definitely using triangulation to keep both you and the wife around. My MM that I recently posted about is doing the same thing, which involves me, his wife, and another woman he talks to in another country. Triangulation does not have to involve people he physically sees or has contact with. Please do some reading on sociopaths, you may find many red flags align to what you are experiencing.

 

Oh and he won't leave his wife, they never do.

[LimeBlue]

So, no matter how dumb I was to get involved with a MM, I wasn't so obtuse that I wanted his wife to find out about it.

 

May I ask what happened in the end? Do you have an original thread where you posted about it? I don't mean to poke around, but I am interested to find stories similar to mine.

[trailrunner1975]

It agree that he has both you and his wife where it works in his favor. I dont think he will do anything to change the status quo. Wait and see what happens if his wife kicks him out- you will get to feel the underside of a big bus and it will hurt. This has all the makings of a real disaster for you. You might want to research if your state has an alienation of affection law. Could get really nasty.

Disclosure: I am an ex MM who went clean and did things the right way by letting my affair fizzle and divorcing for the sake of my ex wife and myself. The signs that point to your mm leaving aren't there.

Edited November 4, 2015 by trailrunner1975

[OldRover]

An interesting statistic I found....

 

Kids that aggressively try to prevent their parents from divorce can be 90% effective. Food for thought.....

[lost808]

I have known him for 5 years, working together every day. He has always stood out to me as a really good person. Hes quiet and not at all flirtatious or a womanizer. I never in a million years expected this to happen.

 

I am not happy about what this is doing to his wife, and no I am not OK with it. I almost ended this a few times because I feel bad for her. Hes the one that came to me and I know that doesn't make anything OK but I do know they have been having problems for a while. I am very confused and I guess that is why I'm here

 

She came to my work to talk to me, and she does not seem to me to be a bad person which makes everything that much more confusing. I am not judging her and I have nothing against her all I know is what he has told me about their problems, which is very little.

 

I was married before in a very unhappy marriage and I have two kids of my own. I know how hard it is to leave and I know first hand that it can take a while to do it, especially when kids are involved. My husband cheated on me and I know the pain this causes, I really do.

 

I am not the one that wanted everyone to ''know'' about this relationship. I was trying to hide it at first but he wasn't and now that everyone knows I feel that it would not be good to ''go underground'' because that will leave things this way permanently, which I am not willing to do.

 

This thing is driving me crazy, I will need to figure it out over the next few months. I do love this man and he is not a monster. I am so confused and scared and feel guilty and happy and in love all at the same time.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Ms. Faust]

I am sure he is not a monster, or a bad person... just emotionally retarded. If everyone knows, as you say, this can extend beyond to his children. As someone else pointed out, children can be very persuasive in these matters. I think it was a horrible and selfish decision for him to make in regards to you, wife, and kids for him to bare it all out in the open. Now he has nothing to hide from his wife and you're still wondering when he is going to make a move to leave. But as long as you and Wife are content with the way things are what reason do you feel he has to split up his home, kids, and finances for you? That's a genuine question.

Edited November 4, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

I have known him for 5 years, working together every day. He has always stood out to me as a really good person. Hes quiet and not at all flirtatious or a womanizer. I never in a million years expected this to happen.

 

 

***** How does a really good person flout their infidelity in their spouses face and doesn't give a damn??*******

 

** Maybe you don't know him quite as well as you thought you did**

 

I am not happy about what this is doing to his wife, and no I am not OK with it. I almost ended this a few times because I feel bad for her.

 

*** As long as you participate in the fair.. you're OK with it. Maybe not thrilled.......but okay *******

 

She came to my work to talk to me, and she does not seem to me to be a bad person which makes everything that much more confusing.

 

**** The poor woman must be so desperate to save her marriage in coming to see you. Do you know what strength it takes to confront your husband's mistress?

 

- The feelings of inadequacy she's facing

- The lying awake at night..... asking where it went wrong

- Thinking what it is about you that draws him to want you

- Thinking she's not good enough

- Having a look at the woman that could be with her kids half the time

- Thinking how she can be more like you and win him back

 

 

^^^^^^ These are ALL things BWs have told me they thought. Her husband is a first class betrayer..... but it's not something he could do on his own.*********

 

This thing is driving me crazy, I will need to figure it out over the next few months. I do love this man and he is not a monster. I am so confused and scared and feel guilty and happy and in love all at the same time.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

You've seen how he treats the mother of his 4 children....... I'm assuming he entered the marriage willingly and he once loved her ...

 

Or was it an arranged marriage?

 

Does a religion or culture play a part in any of this?

 

I ask because I know there can be a great sense of entitlement for men to have OW in these situations and unfortunately, as the wife - your own family will tell you not to leave the marriage. Especially where the family are getting some financial support from the husband.

 

If so.....Why do you think your immune from being treated like this in the future by him?

 

You're not ready to give him up yet...... see how you feel in 6 months time.

[lost808]

His children are all young, under the age of 8.

 

Msfaust - To answer your question.....I guess I'm thinking he would leave for happiness? To live a happy life? That is why I left my marriage...its unbearable to live long in a unhappy home.

 

I firmly believe that it is better to NOT stay together for the children's sake. It only teaches children to live unhappily in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

I can see that my own children are much happier now than when we were together in that cold dark relationship. And they see their father all the time and the time they get now is much more quality than it ever was before.

[OldRover]

His children are all young, under the age of 8.

 

Msfaust - To answer your question.....I guess I'm thinking he would leave for happiness? To live a happy life? That is why I left my marriage...its unbearable to live long in a unhappy home.

 

I firmly believe that it is better to NOT stay together for the children's sake. It only teaches children to live unhappily in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

I can see that my own children are much happier now than when we were together in that cold dark relationship. And they see their father all the time and the time they get now is much more quality than it ever was before.

 

Good points. Yes, there is a reason he would leave his wife....if he's not happy there is a major one. But with young kids, it will be hard. And who knows the financial trauma it will cause... there's a lot of unknowns at this time, and seems like no matter what happens, someone (or many) will get hurt. That's a shame, but that's what happens.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I firmly believe that it is better to NOT stay together for the children's sake. It only teaches children to live unhappily in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Yeah, that's a given, but when you're looking at an expensive divorce, child support, lifestyle change for themselves AND the kiddies, supporting two households, then staying in an (almost) unbearable marriage is a viable option.

 

Especially if there are considerable assets or debts.

[ShatteredLady]

OP. was your marriage miserable because your husband was a cheat & betrayer?

[bathtub-row]

I personally wouldn't sit around and try to figure it out over the next few months. Your decision should be easy. You're hurting someone very, very deeply. This isn't a vote between you and MM to decide how to proceed. This is about your principles and about what you're willing to do. If you're going against your own principles, then you're already doing the wrong thing.

[lost808]

Shatteredlady - Yes he was a cheater and a betrayer ( just like my MM I guess) but he also turned out to be a criminal and a drug addict and someone that chose to live life being unhappy and negative about everything...I didn't want to live that way anymore.

 

Bathtub - I know what I'm doing is wrong. I have also lived enough life to know that everything is not black and white, there is also grey.

 

His marriage is ruined now even if it wasn't before. I feel as though he is trying to prove to me how much he loves me while trying to figure out how to leave without hurting his kids ( I know that is not possible, because I have been through it myself) But I also know he must figure that part out for himself. Obviously there is not that much love left between him and his wife.

 

After everything he has already done I cant just walk away and leave him hanging, maybe I'm wrong or stupid for thinking that way and I will probably get hurt...but right now at this point in time I cant do it.

 

I really do not know what to do...or what would be right or wrong at this point.

[Sassy Girl]

Nah, this whole black white and grey thing is just the mental gymnastics you have to go through to convince yourself your not a bad person.

 

I call BS. You seem intelligent. You know the difference between right and wrong.

 

Sleeping with a married man- wrong

Actively gunning to end a family with 4 kids - wrong

Showing your own children that you're happy Being an OW - wrong. and what a fine example your setting I must say.

 

But hey, keep telling yourself grey. Like bathtub said- you are actively responsible for hurting someone very very deeply.

 

Truth is you know what to do, you just don't want to. Countless people have told you. Youve ignored pretty much all of it.

 

So really- what is the reason for your post? You don't want to change things, you don't want to take the advice your given.

 

The only person you can control is yourself. Don't like the situation? Change it.

[Tayla]

according to marital vows there is a clear and definite black and white level to it. Stepping outside the marriage has a name for a reason. Yes lets have this devout loyalty to this type of consented behavior of infidelity. Worry about the hurt later, live for today.

Children of divorce btw,may adjust, but they in later years will access relationships and are more apt to refrain from long term loving relationships, because their parents were such role models for short term commitment. If i had a dollar for the disillusioned people who think happiness comes from another I'd be a billionaire! We are each accountable for our own happiness.... or in this case reaping the misery that comes from interceding on a black and white vow. The grey area would be for the adults to work on the marriage or proceed towards divorce. This add on of an affair is stalling either of the grey options to commence. I do not support your behavior, i do support your ability to move on and be a good role model to your kin.

[gettingstronger]

Now what- probably more of the same from him- cut your losses and move on as best you can- this situation is beyond complicated- your personal life is already complicated, your children need your full time and attention as they have experienced a trauma- if you can not do it for yourself, do it for them-

[Ms. Faust]

Now what- probably more of the same from him- cut your losses and move on as best you can- this situation is beyond complicated- your personal life is already complicated, your children need your full time and attention as they have experienced a trauma- if you can not do it for yourself, do it for them-

 

OP said in the very beginning and several posts throughout that she is not trying to hear that noise. She is staying in this relationship, no matter the pain that is inflicted on the BW, kids, or her own status of limbo.

 

To the OP: My experience, and several people have mentioned this recently: If they want to leave, they leave quickly. My ex left his wife within six months. The dude I ran around with while married to ex... yeah, he was not leaving.

 

Some will stay longer in the marriage for a few years, but they usually engage in plans on how and when to do the exit. Frankly, it doesn't sound like your MM has the balls to leave on his own accord if he is pushing his wife to make the move.

 

Also, I agree with others that there is no gray when it comes to engaging in an affair. People just say that to justify their decisions.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[gettingstronger]

OP said in the very beginning and several posts throughout that she is not trying to hear that noise. She is staying in this relationship, no matter the pain that is inflicted on the BW, kids, or her own status of limbo.

 

To the OP: My experience, and several people have mentioned this recently: If they want to leave, they leave quickly. My ex left his wife within six months. The dude I ran around with while married to ex... yeah, he was not leaving.

 

Some will stay longer in the marriage for a few years, but they usually engage in plans on how and when to do the exit. Frankly, it doesn't sound like your MM has the balls to leave on his own accord if he is pushing his wife to make the move.

 

Also, I agree with others that there is no gray when it comes to engaging in an affair. People just say that to justify their decisions.

 

 

 

Oops- you are correct- OK, amend it to say "what next- more of the same"

[S2B]

I have known him for 5 years, working together every day. He has always stood out to me as a really good person. Hes quiet and not at all flirtatious or a womanizer. I never in a million years expected this to happen.

 

I am not happy about what this is doing to his wife, and no I am not OK with it. I almost ended this a few times because I feel bad for her. Hes the one that came to me and I know that doesn't make anything OK but I do know they have been having problems for a while. I am very confused and I guess that is why I'm here

 

She came to my work to talk to me, and she does not seem to me to be a bad person which makes everything that much more confusing. I am not judging her and I have nothing against her all I know is what he has told me about their problems, which is very little.

 

I was married before in a very unhappy marriage and I have two kids of my own. I know how hard it is to leave and I know first hand that it can take a while to do it, especially when kids are involved. My husband cheated on me and I know the pain this causes, I really do.

 

I am not the one that wanted everyone to ''know'' about this relationship. I was trying to hide it at first but he wasn't and now that everyone knows I feel that it would not be good to ''go underground'' because that will leave things this way permanently, which I am not willing to do.

 

This thing is driving me crazy, I will need to figure it out over the next few months. I do love this man and he is not a monster. I am so confused and scared and feel guilty and happy and in love all at the same time.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

When she came to your work to talk to you - what did she say? What did you say to her?

 

Was there an agreement made between you two women?

[lost808]

Just to be clear my kids have not me MM yet.

 

I am here because I feel very confused about all of this.

Maybe you are right.....maybe I am a bad person.

 

 

You have given me a lot to think about.

 

Do you belive true fidelity even exists anymore?

[lost808]

S2b - he had told me that he had told his wife that he's not ha. Ly and wants out when she first found out about us.

 

When she came to my office she wanted to know what's going on and I asked her of her H had told her, she said he had but she wanted to hear it from me.

 

I told her that her husband came to me and that she needs to talk to him if shes looking for clarity. She said he's hard to talk to and I told her it should not come from me she needs to talk to him.

 

He said that she refuses to hear what he is saying, that she is in denial.

 

Fyi -She also has a boyfriend according to her sister. I do not know of that is true.

[Sassy Girl]

For the record, I don't think you're a bad person. I think you are making hideously bad and selfish choices for yourself and Are hurting an entire family in the process. And you don't want to change that. And you dot seem to want to make good choices.

[lost808]

Sassy girl - Thank you. You are completely right.

 

And that does make me a bad person.

 

I dont know how I ended up in this situation and I don't know how to leave it.

 

So what would be the right thing to do? End it and let him figure out what he wants to do?

 

Dont you think that would add pressure and force him into making a rash decision ?