Affair out in the open....now what?

[ShatteredLady]

Did his W want to know how the A started? How long? Sex? Etc. If they were those kinds of questions I'd guess he's tried to minimize the A to her...then he's trying to keep her, not leave her.

 

How did his W find out about the A? I thought he had come clean from the way you wrote things. Being caught is different. He didn't want her to know.

 

I'm sorry that you had such a horrible M. How many children do you have? Is your ex a good father now? I hope he's got himself together for the sake of your kids.

[Sassy Girl]

Sassy girl - Thank you. You are completely right.

 

And that does make me a bad person.

 

I dont know how I ended up in this situation and I don't know how to leave it.

 

So what would be the right thing to do? End it and let him figure out what he wants to do?

 

Dont you think that would add pressure and force him into making a rash decision ?

 

So do better. Be better. What kind of person do you want to be?

 

First, end it. He's not a good bet. He's not a good role model for your children. He's not healthy for you. Who cares about whether he makes a rash decision or not? So far he's made NO decision except to go back to his wife. That tells you enough doesn't it? He's not leaving. so anything would be better than the crap you're living right now. That's it. No tricks r secrets. End it, delete his details and never contact him again. It's done. That's how you get out of it. You're not dependent on him. Stop making excuses

 

Second counselling. Lots of it. You got here because you rationalised away your self worth and integrity. I'm sure it felt wonderful while he was romancing you, saying all the right things- but he's worked you into a state where you have accepted less than what you are worth. That's probably a side effect from the crappy marriage you had - you don't think you're worth more. Trust me, 6 months of counselling and focusing on you and your kids you will see him for the selfish ugly cake eater that he is. What he's putting you both through is horrendous. He is not a good person. A good person does not do this to the mother of his children. Stop idealising him.

 

A good person wouldn't do this to you either. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[lost808]

Shattered lady - no his w never asked those kind of questions.

She wanted to know if I was the woman because he had told her there is someone else but he did not say who. Because we work together I told him I don't want any drama at work.

 

It was hard to hide our feelings at work after a few months and soon it was obvious to everyone. Eventually she heard the gossip and he told her the truth and told her he wants to leave. He did not tell her it was me to protect my job.

 

That is how she found out.

.

.

[GollumsNightmare]

That is how he TOLD you she found out. Cheaters Lie. If he has lied to her, he will lie to you.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think you're a bad person and I get it that affairs happen. But now that his wife is aware of it, that puts a whole different spin on it. Personally, that's where I'd draw the line and tell him it's time to make a decision, and that the affair is over until he does. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that this is a bridge too far. It is beyond what most people would consider ethical and tolerable. I'm not saying the affair itself is ethical but, usually, when it comes to hurting others, most of us draw a line. Where is your line?

 

The fact that you're not drawing a line tells me that MM calls all the shots and you don't stand your ground with him. And aside from the ethical thing, you should already know that men have no respect for women who go against their morals to be with them. It's like the old tale of the woman who follows the man she loves across the world. First, he demands that she kill her mother and father, then it escalates into him wanting her to kill her children, which she does. At the end of the story, the man leaves her because he doesn't want to be with a woman who would do such terrible things. An extreme story but I think you get the point.

 

Don't be surprised if suddenly MM's wife becomes the poor victim in his eyes and things start to turn around. In going against your own personal principals, you're selling your soul and will most likely end up paying a high price. I hope no one here has to tell you "I told you so" in a few months.

 

And, btw, my xMM was as nice and kind as he could be. He was the owner of the company that I work for. I never heard about him being a womanizer or anything like that. I never thought he'd chase after a woman in his company if he didn't already have plans to leave his marriage. But I was dead wrong about that. I want you to know that no matter how nice a person is, no matter how deep your love and friendship is, that person can and will abandon you for reasons you never saw coming. And if I were in your MM's shoes, there's no way in hell I'd leave my four young children. I may be wrong about your MM but I've seen and heard enough to know that the chances of you being with this guy are very, very slim. I think you should start considering that he's just stringing you along until you catch on.

Edited November 5, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Popsicle]

When MM act like they don't want to give the OW up right to the wife's face the wives NEVER leave then. he would have to hide you and his R with you and be lying to her about it in order to upset her enough to possibly leave him. But him being out in the open about it to her will just make her stay and he will get used to having two women. Keep in mind that it's not that bad for him living with her if he hasn't left yet. She may even act better now, which will make him even more comfortable staying.

[Got it]

OP - what he does is really up to him. I do think you should be able to discuss with him, extensively, what he is thinking, feeling, and planning. Yes, once there is a dday it can become very emotional and alot being thrown in many directions.

 

You can't control the situation, so potentially putting in some space may be good for your mental best interest. Don't lose you in this process and don't turn all the power over to him.

 

Recommend he seek both legal counsel and therapy to work through what he wants and sit back and observe. Be your own best advocate and only make concessions that you are comfortable with and not a way to "pay thing forward" for a desired future outcome. Focus and evaluate on today.

[Popsicle]

Thank you Goodyblue for your advice. Yes it is driving me insane....I am so scared of getting hurt I have almost walked away a few times, but I cant.

 

I have asked him his plans but he is not really the kind of guy that talks much. He left for about week last month but he went back because she was threatening him with child support and not being able to see his kids. ( that was his reasons anyway)

 

Right now he says he does not know what to do, but he does not planning on staying there forever? He looks very stressed when ever I ask those kinds of questions, so I am not trying to push to much because I know how hard it is to leave a marriage, and especially with 4 kids....but I would like to have more clarity on where we stand.

 

Lol

 

Look, you're going to have to get over the fact that he will be hurt if you end it. That's just how it is. That's life. You both made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.

 

But life also goes on okay?

 

And a word to the wise, DO NOT remain friends with him and keep talking to him after you end it. It doesn't work.

[OldRover]

When MM act like they don't want to give the OW up right to the wife's face the wives NEVER leave then. he would have to hide you and his R with you and be lying to her about it in order to upset her enough to possibly leave him. But him being out in the open about it to her will just make her stay and he will get used to having two women. Keep in mind that it's not that bad for him living with her if he hasn't left yet. She may even act better now, which will make him even more comfortable staying.

 

Popsicle,

 

You make some good points and this is one.

If she accepts the current living conditions, with him having two woman, and she's happy with that, so be it. (not for most people, as it has huge downsides).

 

If she bails, then she will hurt (and he will hurt, too), but eventually it will be over and she can focus toward a better, less stressful relationship, without a MM. That's another choice, and probably a long term good one.

 

If she just waits to see what happens, then she has the turmoil of a possible messy, long time divorce, that could get ugly, or a waiting game to see if he will really leave his wife, or just hang on. This seems to be the direction she's taking. Not a horrible choice, but certainly has it's risks and stress. IF he goes through with the divorce, and ends up with her, she will certainly have the kids in her life, which may be fine, but she will have the wife in her life too.... at least until the kids get out on there own, which can also be stressful.

 

Overall, it's a matter for the OP to figure out what she really wants, the risks and the goods and bads.

 

Could she end up with a loving and great relationship with the MM? Sure, but odds are against that, and that's a risk she has to consider.

[yodelwithyu]

Honestly, the whole him leaving or not leaving was never a factor, and did not come up in my R, so I am writing from the perspective of someone who was in an open A.

 

When I found out he was married, I tried to end it a was dragging my feet a little bit. Then the W found out. He wouldn't break up with me, and so his only solution was an open marriage. At the time, I felt like "wow this guy must really care for me, he is fighting so hard for me, and putting everything at risk." That made it much harder in the next few months to leave him. I only recently had the epiphany that yes, part of the fight was to be with me, but really, he was fighting for himself. And HIS happiness. And HIS stupid store-bought cake. So of course he is going to fight hard. He was going to have all. Best of both worlds. No kids and all finances split down the middle, so nothing trying him there except his wants and/or needs. I also realize now he knew she would never leave him for anything. She gave rules and ultimatums and he broke each and every one of them and got caught. A lot. And she is still there. And so is he. And in my heart, I do believe that even if our relationship was such that I asked him to leave, he wouldn't have, ever. Why give up all that history, comfort, love (come on now, there is love somewhere, in some form in most of these guys for their W, otherwise the path is much simpler) and someone who will let you get away with pretty much anything?

 

I once wrote in my journal in the middle of all this "He sucked the life out of me and breathed it into his marriage," and I believe that is how it is for a lot of OWs. Especially for the MM's wives who then get a clue and try harder and all that jazz.

 

If I were you, I would proceed with caution. I would make decisions based on a life you want, and it should function with or without a man. If you end up together, great bonus. If not, then you will still be on the path to leading the life you want to have, with your options wide open.

 

Good Luck.

[Captivating]

Your bf might be waiting for the wife to pull the plug. Who knows? it is a heart wrenching situation for everyone involved. The wife gave him 4 kids and plans on raising them with him. The kids don't want to have a broken home, it would affect them throughout their whole life. They might pull away from Dad, for leaving their Mom for another woman, and that would break his heart. How is the relationship between the wife and husband? Is it toxic or is it a calm passionless marriage? I am worried that if you guys get together the pain this would cause for others , Mom and kids, eventually burn your relationship as well. I understand you completely. You love this man but you don't want to hurt people either. I wish there was an easy solution to this! Keep us posted ! Good luck!

[OldRover]

Honestly, the whole him leaving or not leaving was never a factor, and did not come up in my R, so I am writing from the perspective of someone who was in an open A.

 

When I found out he was married, I tried to end it a was dragging my feet a little bit. Then the W found out. He wouldn't break up with me, and so his only solution was an open marriage. At the time, I felt like "wow this guy must really care for me, he is fighting so hard for me, and putting everything at risk." That made it much harder in the next few months to leave him. I only recently had the epiphany that yes, part of the fight was to be with me, but really, he was fighting for himself. And HIS happiness. And HIS stupid store-bought cake. So of course he is going to fight hard. He was going to have all. Best of both worlds. No kids and all finances split down the middle, so nothing trying him there except his wants and/or needs. I also realize now he knew she would never leave him for anything. She gave rules and ultimatums and he broke each and every one of them and got caught. A lot. And she is still there. And so is he. And in my heart, I do believe that even if our relationship was such that I asked him to leave, he wouldn't have, ever. Why give up all that history, comfort, love (come on now, there is love somewhere, in some form in most of these guys for their W, otherwise the path is much simpler) and someone who will let you get away with pretty much anything?

 

I once wrote in my journal in the middle of all this "He sucked the life out of me and breathed it into his marriage," and I believe that is how it is for a lot of OWs. Especially for the MM's wives who then get a clue and try harder and all that jazz.

 

If I were you, I would proceed with caution. I would make decisions based on a life you want, and it should function with or without a man. If you end up together, great bonus. If not, then you will still be on the path to leading the life you want to have, with your options wide open.

 

Good Luck.

 

Yodel,

 

You make some good points, but the MM leaving the wife could be a huge factor, especially with the OP. As for the open relationship, some work, some don't.

 

I also went through an "open" marriage, but only to the point that the wife knew about the OW, even prior to her being in my life. However, the "open" part was temporary, as I knew divorce was imminent. Living with the wife was for convenience to get through a lot of issues that would affect our divorce. I wouldn't call it cake eating, as it was more difficult than living with one woman, and I was monogamous. Never was intimate with both at the same time. However, I was above board with both, but didn't push it.

 

In your case, you chose to leave, but hesitated a bit... and that's fine, and that's your choice. Sounds like you were deceived in that he was married and you didn't know it, and could understand why you wanted to leave.

 

The OP situation is a bit different. It's clear that there are problems with his marriage, but there's a lot of complications with divorce, kids, etc., so the wait can be difficult... even if it comes. Right now, her choice is to wait, and perhaps figure out a good direction to go for her future.

[yodelwithyu]

The OP situation is a bit different. It's clear that there are problems with his marriage, but there's a lot of complications with divorce, kids, etc., so the wait can be difficult... even if it comes. Right now, her choice is to wait, and perhaps figure out a good direction to go for her future.

 

Hey OldRover,

 

Thanks for the reply. I know our situations are different completely, but it still did get found out and there was a DDAY, after which all the "open stuff" transpired. I read a great quote on here or reddit that said "asking for an open marriage after an affair is like driving your car into the lake and then calling it a boat!" It was pretty apt for my situation.

 

I'm sorry if I was not helpful in my last post.

 

I was just trying to lend a point of view that even with not very many complications, MMs can chose/want to stay. Also I wanted to say that BWs can change their behavior after an affair comes to light and they don't want to leave/they want to hold on to the husband, and this in turn can sometimes also have an impact on decisions that they make. As OP mentioned the BW wants to keep her husband, I was just saying to be weary.

 

Also, I wasn't saying don't wait for him, or leave him or anything like that. I was just trying to say that if she choses to wait, that she should still be building up a kind of life that she wants, just IN CASE he doesn't leave. It would be a shame to have lost time waiting for him if it didn't work out in the end.

[Ms. Faust]

My mind kind of wandered to the open relationship realm as well, although it is usually a big no-no when one relationship starts off as an affair. There is currently a MM in the marriage section who has embarked on such a thing with his wife and former mistress, but he has made no bones that if it does not work out then the mistress gets the heave ho.

 

My thing is, since it is out in the open, and she knows there is nothing stopping him now. If he is truly planning on leaving then he should leave, or start discussing/meeting with attorneys on how to leave. His remaining static makes one think that he is fine with the status quo, miserable marriage or not.... and him going back home because she reminded him that he will have to pay child support is a big thing, IMO.

[OldRover]

Hey OldRover,

 

Thanks for the reply. I know our situations are different completely, but it still did get found out and there was a DDAY, after which all the "open stuff" transpired. I read a great quote on here or reddit that said "asking for an open marriage after an affair is like driving your car into the lake and then calling it a boat!" It was pretty apt for my situation.

 

I'm sorry if I was not helpful in my last post.

 

I was just trying to lend a point of view that even with not very many complications, MMs can chose/want to stay. Also I wanted to say that BWs can change their behavior after an affair comes to light and they don't want to leave/they want to hold on to the husband, and this in turn can sometimes also have an impact on decisions that they make. As OP mentioned the BW wants to keep her husband, I was just saying to be weary.

 

Also, I wasn't saying don't wait for him, or leave him or anything like that. I was just trying to say that if she choses to wait, that she should still be building up a kind of life that she wants, just IN CASE he doesn't leave. It would be a shame to have lost time waiting for him if it didn't work out in the end.

 

Yodel,

 

I didn't mean to say that your comment wasn't helpful... just a bit different, as mine was. They all have their little differences, some huge.

 

Love your quote from reddit.... how true. I'm not for an open marriage, and I guess mine really wasn't one, as the goals were different.

 

But, I agree, now that things are in the open for the OP, it may or may not make a huge difference, but still something to consider. Going back to a hidden relationship would be almost impossible.

[cocorico]

I don't think you're a bad person and I get it that affairs happen. But now that his wife is aware of it, that puts a whole different spin on it. Personally, that's where I'd draw the line and tell him it's time to make a decision, and that the affair is over until he does. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that this is a bridge too far. It is beyond what most people would consider ethical and tolerable. I'm not saying the affair itself is ethical but, usually, when it comes to hurting others, most of us draw a line. Where is your line?

 

Huh?

 

Conventional wisdom on these boards say the opposite. That its "cruel" to keep the BW in the dark, that she should be told, because then at least everyone is in the know, the playing field is level, and the BW is free to stay or go - as is the OW.

 

Why is it "cruel" for the BW to know? Isn't that what pretty much every single BW on these boards has always ever argued? Tell the BW, let her make up her own mind...

 

The BW is choosing to stay - at least for now. That's her choice. It's not up to lost to police the BW's choice, or the MM's choice. She needs to decide what she wants, and what's best for her. The others are adults and can make their own choices.

[cocorico]

To the OP: My experience, and several people have mentioned this recently: If they want to leave, they leave quickly. My ex left his wife within six months. The dude I ran around with while married to ex... yeah, he was not leaving.

 

People leave when they're ready to leave. There's a story on these boards of a MM who left after a single kiss. Others take years to consider leaving, and years more to make the move. And some never leave.

 

What matters to the OP - how long are you prepared to invest, without him leaving? You state:

 

After everything he has already done I cant just walk away and leave him hanging

 

Please understand that you don't owe him anything. He has "invested" by telling the BW. You have invested by putting up with a lot less than you want from the R. Why should his investment weigh more than yours, and leave you indebted? Why is he not feeling so indebted to you that of course he'll leave her, this very moment? Why are his issues being fore grounded and given more airtime than yours?

 

Sure, his telling the BW was an act of good faith, a demonstration of commitment to the R. A necessary condition, but in and of itself, not a sufficient one. It's worrying that he doesn't speak to you about his plans, or take you into his confidence. Perhaps he prefers you to be insecure in the R, because it gives him more power. Or perhaps he's unwilling to share his plans until he knows he can realistically execute them. Either way, you need to decide if you can live with the uncertainty, and if you're happy with things as they stand. If not, you need to remove yourself, for your own sanity. If he's really serious, he can always catch you up down the track.

[bathtub-row]

Huh?

 

Conventional wisdom on these boards say the opposite. That its "cruel" to keep the BW in the dark, that she should be told, because then at least everyone is in the know, the playing field is level, and the BW is free to stay or go - as is the OW.

 

Why is it "cruel" for the BW to know? Isn't that what pretty much every single BW on these boards has always ever argued? Tell the BW, let her make up her own mind...

 

The BW is choosing to stay - at least for now. That's her choice. It's not up to lost to police the BW's choice, or the MM's choice. She needs to decide what she wants, and what's best for her. The others are adults and can make their own choices.

 

Then I guess I'm not in agreement with conventional wisdom. If the MM wants his wife to know, then fine. But if I were the OW, it would mean the end of the affair. All I'm saying is that now that his wife knows, it has to be torturous for her. To continue the affair while she's aware of it is just plain cruel. That's why, for me, that would be the end of it. After that, he'd have to make a choice.

 

And btw, you say this as if most women will make the choice to leave. Most of them don't. Most will cling to their marriage. That's why I feel that it's often pointless to have the discussion and cause the kind of pain it causes.

[sandylee1]

 

 

Then the W found out. He wouldn't break up with me, and so his only solution was an open marriage. At the time, I felt like "wow this guy must really care for me, he is fighting so hard for me, and putting everything at risk." That made it much harder in the next few months to leave him. I only recently had the epiphany that yes, part of the fight was to be with me, but really, he was fighting for himself. And HIS happiness.

 

Why give up all that history, comfort, love (come on now, there is love somewhere, in some form in most of these guys for their W, otherwise the path is much simpler) and someone who will let you get away with pretty much anything?

 

I once wrote in my journal in the middle of all this "He sucked the life out of me and breathed it into his marriage," and I believe that is how it is for a lot of OWs. Especially for the MM's wives who then get a clue and try harder and all that jazz.

 

Good Luck.

 

Yodel

 

There's a lot of wisdom in what you say here. Quite simply he was concerned about HIS own happiness and sucked the life out of you in the process.

 

There was only one winner in yours and the OPs situation.... and it's neither the wife or OW. It can't be much fun with everyone knowing you have no problem sleeping with a MM.

 

Then again...... I don't understand why A BW would tolerate it. It's no suprise they call us the weaker sex......... because really..... how many men would put up with their wife creating an open marriage like this. We're our own worse enemies when it comes to this stuff.

 

A guy once said...you women want equality...but you let us guys treat you like s***.

 

Oh well...that's life I guess.(sigh)

[lost808]

He has not slept with the W since our relationship began and I know it for a fact....I thought an open marriage is where he sleeps with both the W and OW?...this is not that situation.

 

He did not lie to me about telling the W the truth I know he did, because she told me so herself. He just did not tell her it was me ( to protect my job) but she heard it through the grape vine so she came to my work and she told me that he told her there is someone else and she wanted to know if it was me.

 

Over the last few days he keeps mentioning things about us getting married and even moving overseas. I have not reacted to these things because I am unsure of how serious he is with these words. Its almost as though hes trying to figure out what to do without telling me directly what he wants to do.

 

He has very bad communication skills and I can see that is a huge problem in his marriage because his W seems to be the same way. She knew about this A for a few months before she even said anything to him.

 

During an argument they were having about this A, his wife's sister blurted out that she ( the wife) has a boyfriend. I do not know if its true or not but the way the W is reacting to our relationship it doesn't seem as though she has a boyfriend or I would think she would seem less devastated? Am I wrong about that?

[Ms. Faust]

Contemplating moving overseas??????

 

He has FOUR YOUNG kids!!!!!!

 

That's it.... Sorry, I was willing to give him the bennies of the doubt, but no more. Selfish person running away from his responsibilities.

 

Would YOU move thousands of miles away from YOUR children?? Why would he even entertain this idea??? Oh wait, people can evade child support by moving overseas... Silly me...

[cocorico]

 

During an argument they were having about this A, his wife's sister blurted out that she ( the wife) has a boyfriend. I do not know if its true or not but the way the W is reacting to our relationship it doesn't seem as though she has a boyfriend or I would think she would seem less devastated? Am I wrong about that?

 

Don't count on that. I recently discovered that my H's xW was having her own A while he and I were having our A (though she denied it at the time) - which wouldn't have been her first. Yet she responded to his (our) A at first with denial, then with outrage - how dare he do what she did (with alacrity and no regret)? One set of rules for her, another set for everyone else.

 

Don't expect logic or consistency where affairs of the heart are concerned.

[Sassy Girl]

Do you not think about his kids? Serious question.

 

Because of you can't care for the welfare of his children you have no business being a step mother to them.

[Sub]

Huh?

 

Conventional wisdom on these boards say the opposite. That its "cruel" to keep the BW in the dark, that she should be told, because then at least everyone is in the know, the playing field is level, and the BW is free to stay or go - as is the OW.

 

Why is it "cruel" for the BW to know? Isn't that what pretty much every single BW on these boards has always ever argued? Tell the BW, let her make up her own mind...

 

The BW is choosing to stay - at least for now. That's her choice. It's not up to lost to police the BW's choice, or the MM's choice. She needs to decide what she wants, and what's best for her. The others are adults and can make their own choices.

 

It's cruel no matter what. Conventional wisdom does state that it's best for the BS to know, so they can decide what to do. That doesn't completely negate the cruelty of what's going on, IMO.

[Tayla]

most affairs get there energy from being secretive. Neither wants to be told on... it ruins there little secret .Its a grand form of intimacy that is built on sand and will sink when told to the very person they are sticking it to.

 

I think the Op keeps mentioning the wifes' supposed bf to somehow cast shadows on the wife. After all no one wants. to actually be self effacing. Its not pretty. So lets throw mud and see what sticks.

 

The running out of the country is irrational , but what affair isn't?

 

The Ops behavior is less then stellar. Own up to the wife, because ultimately you chose willingly and no one had a knife to you as an adult. The gee go ask the hubs is simply dodging your part.

 

Take some responsibility for this. It will empower you to walk away. You deserve to make amends to yourself. What you don't deserve is staying in an affair that has far more negatives then positive results.