Affair out in the open....now what?

[Sassy Girl]

Do you not think about his kids? Serious question.

 

Because of you can't care for the welfare of his children you have no business being a step mother to them.

[Sub]

Huh?

 

Conventional wisdom on these boards say the opposite. That its "cruel" to keep the BW in the dark, that she should be told, because then at least everyone is in the know, the playing field is level, and the BW is free to stay or go - as is the OW.

 

Why is it "cruel" for the BW to know? Isn't that what pretty much every single BW on these boards has always ever argued? Tell the BW, let her make up her own mind...

 

The BW is choosing to stay - at least for now. That's her choice. It's not up to lost to police the BW's choice, or the MM's choice. She needs to decide what she wants, and what's best for her. The others are adults and can make their own choices.

 

It's cruel no matter what. Conventional wisdom does state that it's best for the BS to know, so they can decide what to do. That doesn't completely negate the cruelty of what's going on, IMO.

[Tayla]

most affairs get there energy from being secretive. Neither wants to be told on... it ruins there little secret .Its a grand form of intimacy that is built on sand and will sink when told to the very person they are sticking it to.

 

I think the Op keeps mentioning the wifes' supposed bf to somehow cast shadows on the wife. After all no one wants. to actually be self effacing. Its not pretty. So lets throw mud and see what sticks.

 

The running out of the country is irrational , but what affair isn't?

 

The Ops behavior is less then stellar. Own up to the wife, because ultimately you chose willingly and no one had a knife to you as an adult. The gee go ask the hubs is simply dodging your part.

 

Take some responsibility for this. It will empower you to walk away. You deserve to make amends to yourself. What you don't deserve is staying in an affair that has far more negatives then positive results.

[lost808]

Sassygirl - I do care about the welfare of his kids, I have two of my own. Why would you ask me that question?

 

He was talking about going overseas..I am not entertaining that thought because of my own children and I don't think he is seriously entertaining it either.

 

Tayla - I don't keep mentioning the ''supposed wifes boyfriend'' to cast any doubts on her...I mentioned it to see what other people think about it? I am not making it up...what purpose would I have for doing that..nobody here knows me. I'm looking for advice, insight, opinions....I am confused and this thread is helping me to gain some clarity and look at things I had not even considered.

 

 

He came to me...Its not for me to tell her that her H is in love with me. He already told her the truth, right now she is in denial....anything I tell her would just add fuel to the fire. I think its best to let him deal with his marriage problems.

Edited November 6, 2015 by lost808

[OldRover]

Contemplating moving overseas??????

 

He has FOUR YOUNG kids!!!!!!

 

That's it.... Sorry, I was willing to give him the bennies of the doubt, but no more. Selfish person running away from his responsibilities.

 

Would YOU move thousands of miles away from YOUR children?? Why would he even entertain this idea??? Oh wait, people can evade child support by moving overseas... Silly me...

 

Well, we really don't know who the kids will end up with, do we? However, a move overseas is a REAL challenge and probably stupid at this point.

[OldRover]

Sassygirl - I do care about the welfare of his kids, I have two of my own. Why would you ask me that question?

 

He was talking about going overseas..I am not entertaining that thought because of my own children and I don't think he is seriously entertaining it either.

 

Tayla - I don't keep mentioning the ''supposed wifes boyfriend'' to cast any doubts on her...I mentioned it to see what other people think about it? I am not making it up...what purpose would I have for doing that..nobody here knows me. I'm looking for advice, insight, opinions....I am confused and this thread is helping me to gain some clarity and look at things I had not even considered.

 

 

He came to me...Its not for me to tell her that her H is in love with me. He already told her the truth, right now she is in denial....anything I tell her would just add fuel to the fire. I think its best to let him deal with his marriage problems.

 

Lost,

 

You're slowing getting there and hope these posts can offer some thoughts and help.

 

You're right, an overseas move it stupid at this point. And yes, we know you care about his kids.

 

We don't know if the wife has a BF or not yet, do we? So, just speculation.

 

And I agree with you.... let him deal with her and you stay out of it. Be nice, but I'd avoid any contact with her at this point. And I don't thing you're a bad and evil person. We don't know why he pursued you, and what his marriage was like at that time, but it obviously had problems. Perhaps he was looking for a way out, or looking for companionship that she didn't provide or whatever. But, it happened, and you (and he) have to deal with it. You obviously care for him a lot and hope you don't get hurt.

 

Right now, you need to get some focus on where things are really going and make some choices accordingly. I'm sure someones going to end up hurt no matter what, and hope whom ever that is can get through it ok... that position sucks... been there.

[Got it]

Lost - As someone that has been there as well, some things you have to wait and see and some things you have to have a line in the sand. Watch his actions. In my situation as well, my husband's ex wife had had an affair and anything tied to that went out the window when she found out about his affair.

 

Scorched earth would be an applicable description of the events. Regardless, though he didn't progress in quite the timeline and manner that some are espousing to you, he never faltered from his intentions to divorce and did divorce. We dated for a few more years and then married.

 

I focused on living my life, and allowing him to figure out his situation. For myself, once we had the dday (he had started talking divorce when dday happened) for me, the line in the sand was his wife knowing. So we ended things while he dealt with the issues at home. A few months later he separated and we started dating again, divorced a year later based on state laws, and then were dating. We went very slowly with the kids, didn't meet them until well after the divorce, and allowed him to build his relationship with them.

 

We are happily married now and expecting our first child and I have a great relationship with all the kids. There were a lot of hurdles to get through and a lot of communication on all ends.

 

The one thing that I would say that REALLY stood out for my about my husband was his willingness to communicate, to be transparent, and to actively work on our relationship. I strongly suggest this is vital for any relationship after the affair (actually within the affair as well) and couples counseling as well as IC was key for us.

[sandylee1]

The thing with the A being out in the open with no progress.....is that you really wonder what's happening. In this case you don't need to hide it, because he's admitted what's going on.

 

In many cases the MM says he doesn't know how to tell the BW ..... but in this case she knows ..... and still your no better off. It might as well still be hidden.. because it doesnt seem to have benefitted you by being exposed.

 

On the point of her knowing for months and not saying anything..... that's through fear and in some cases lack of hard evidence.

There's many cases where the BS knows but is gripped by how to confront.

 

He obviously knows his wife is too weak to stand up to him or tolerate this. He's doing this because she's letting him and you're also letting him behave as he is. If he can have an open affair with no consequences....... why would he do any different. What would be his motivation to leave his wife? You'd like to think being with you who he loves would be the motivation ....... but it's a choice of staying with his wife and keeping costs down or living with you and getting real about being a step dad, shared bills and daily life.

 

It doesn't seem he's considered leaving his wife and getting a place of his own...... or he has considered it and can't afford to maintain 2 homes.

 

One thing I keep remembering about this guy....are his claims of not wanting kids...... yet he has 4 with a woman he never seemed to love and tie himself to her for longer every time another child was born. It's either a lie or stupidity.....not quite sure which would be better. How does it make any sense?

 

While you don't want to see him as anything but nice bear this ^^^^^ in mind.

[lost808]

Sandylee - You make a lot of good points that really have me thinking. You are right even now that the W knows, nothing has really changed much.

 

He does not seem to be making any moves and he still seems as though he does not know what he really wants.

 

He keeps asking me ... ''what do you want me to do?'' Tell me what you want me to do?'' ''How should I handle this?''

 

I reply with - '' I cant tell you what to do...that is something you need to decide for yourself ''.

 

I don't know how expects me to answer that.. I want him to choose what he feels is right for him, because if its not his choice then it will never last anyway.

 

I don't know if its because he doesn't know how to leave ( I felt that way for a few years before I left my H, and it was because of my kids) or if its because he does not want too. But if he had no plans on leaving his M why would he risk everything and completely ruin their relationship by letting her find out everything and then keep on doing it??

[S2B]

So now you know he's not changing a thing.

 

If you want more - then you won't get more from him.

 

 

What do you want? Are you ok being his OW forever?

[lost808]

S2B - I don't know that yet, and you did not answer my question.

 

 

In my mind people who leave to marry their AP within 6 months or even less than a year are rushing because you cant really know a person in that time frame. I would look at that as an exit affair or something along those lines.

 

And like I said...if he is planning on staying in his M, why risk destroying it by letting her find out everything and then keep on doing it?

 

Does not make sense.

[S2B]

S2B - I don't know that yet, and you did not answer my question.

 

 

In my mind people who leave to marry their AP within 6 months or even less than a year are rushing because you cant really know a person in that time frame. I would look at that as an exit affair or something along those lines.

 

And like I said...if he is planning on staying in his M, why risk destroying it by letting her find out everything and then keep on doing it?

 

Does not make sense.

 

It makes sense if she doesn't leave him.

 

Now what? Well, more of him being married and you being his OW...

 

He may not have intended her to find out. Has he been still contacting you?

 

 

If you intend for him to leave his marriage the be honest with him when he asks "what do you want me to do?"

 

 

What does your gut say? Do you think he would leave his marriage for you?

[Mount]

Because this MM is internally struggling, conventionally most people here would say MM is caking eating, for some cases including yours, daily life for MM is a torture, and yet he wont give up OW but could not leave marriage right away especially long marriage.

 

"lost808" I know you said you won't leave the relationship with MM, so I suggest do not do anything in rush, time will tell how things evolve.

 

Sandylee - You make a lot of good points that really have me thinking. You are right even now that the W knows, nothing has really changed much.

 

He does not seem to be making any moves and he still seems as though he does not know what he really wants.

 

He keeps asking me ... ''what do you want me to do?'' Tell me what you want me to do?'' ''How should I handle this?''

 

I reply with - '' I cant tell you what to do...that is something you need to decide for yourself ''.

 

I don't know how expects me to answer that.. I want him to choose what he feels is right for him, because if its not his choice then it will never last anyway.

 

I don't know if its because he doesn't know how to leave ( I felt that way for a few years before I left my H, and it was because of my kids) or if its because he does not want too. But if he had no plans on leaving his M why would he risk everything and completely ruin their relationship by letting her find out everything and then keep on doing it??

[Sub]

And like I said...if he is planning on staying in his M, why risk destroying it by letting her find out everything and then keep on doing it?

 

Does not make sense.

 

I don't think he's "planning" anything, one way or the other. He's probably in that moment where the reality of the situation he's created has smacked him in the face, and it's not how he envisioned it.

[MissBee]

I have been dating a married man for a year now. He has four kids and still lives with his wife. We work together.

 

Our affair is completely out in the open and has been for a few months, everyone at work , in town and his wife knows. She has been asking around about it and she even came to see me at work. It seems to me like he is planning to leave but he does not know how...because of the kids.

 

She is trying her best to make him stay, but they are not getting along at all. It is very obvious that he loves me, I have no doubt about that and everyone can see that but I want to know from OW who have been in this situation before ....

 

Is there a likely hood he is planning on leaving? Is it normal for MM to let his wife know and continue the relationship with OW regardless? How should I handle this situation?

 

Usually if a MM is not serious about OW then he would end the relationship as soon as his W finds out right? Or at least try to hide it?

 

My feelings are all over the place, I don't know what to do....I know I love him, I know hes not happily married....but I'm feeling so confused. I don't want to push him or add pressure?

 

( Please don't waste your time telling me to leave him because that's not going to happen anytime soon, at least not yet.I love him. )

 

If you have any kind of relationship worth having then you should be able to ask him frankly what he plans on doing, don't you think? None of us can know his mind. We can only make intelligent guesses, but ultimately, what has he said to you you about it? What have you discussed?

 

Any relationship in which you can't have open discussion and hear directly from the horse's mouth, but instead need to guess and ask others to weigh in on, but not the actual person, needs rethinking.

 

What this man is doing isn't unheard of. Some MM's wives "know" and they don't leave. Some MM use the OW to stick it to their wives but if the wife tries to leave they run back to her. Some MM leave then go back to their wife after.....so really, we can't know for sure what his behavior means in terms of if it is a sign he will leave. Ask him...talk to him...if you love him and he loves you and you want to have a relationship then being able to ask questions openly is the first step. If you cannot ask him questions and spend more time guessing....well that may signal a huge problem. Love isn't what floats a relationship...sorry...many relationships have love and still fail miserably because of a lack of a WHOLE BUNCH of other necessary things, like communication for example.

[olivebranch]

this is a long thread, but you all had me at "triangulation…"

 

 

no need to go further. excellent ammo for the arsenal of an empath.

 

 

can't take that away, cause it's what i'm taking away from this and though it hurts it's nice to have the band-aid come off quick instead of ripping out every hair follicle and particle of flesh trying to hold together after the bullet wounds he inflicted on me… one at a *time*

 

 

thanks for the post, i certainly got something out of it. *

 

bang-bang !

[Ms. Faust]

So he has a wife and an OW he doesn't know how to communicate with. That sounds like quite the nuisance for both women involved.

[lost808]

Here come the ''I told you so''.

 

Today he came in to work and showed me a watch his gave him yesterday.

 

Last week he bought a watch from a friend, I think she thinks I bought him that watch so now she bought him a watch so that he will wear her watch instead of my watch, or something weird like that. I did not buy him the watch however.

 

Point is - now shes competing or trying to buy his attention? I'm not sure?

 

And he is wearing the watch. He said it will cause ''drama'' if he does not wear it.

 

Am I focusing too much on a watch? Is he just wearing it because he likes it as he seems completely detached from her? Under these circumstances how can he accept gifts from her and not feel like a bad person?

 

And why would she buy him anything knowing what he is doing? Do you think he is sleeping with her? She still hardly calls his phone and when she does hes very hard and short on the phone. He says he is not........But I'm not convinced.

 

And now hes making plans to take me out tonight......

 

I think im about getting ready to bounce on this one. Im not going to compete for a man.

 

What do you think? Cake eater? Triangulation? Is this normal in this situation?

[Susmay]

You don't seem willing to ask him and believe him so really why don't you just ask her, rather than a bunch of people on a discussion forum.

 

You said she already knows about you and him, so you won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.

 

In fact why not tell him that you're planning to talk to his wife. His reaction should give you an indication of how honest he's being with both you and her.

 

This is your life too, and you have every right to ascertain the real state of affairs in his life, as you're basing your own important life decisions and actions, on what he's doing and telling you.

 

Many years ago I had broken up with a partner. His next girlfriend asked me about him and I was honest with her. They've now been married about 35 years. I was a guest at their wedding.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Susmay

[Ms. Faust]

OP, you really need to have an open discussion with him on what his plans and where you fit in his life. I would not accept that reflective conversation method he does of turning things around and asking what you want.

 

Is it possible that he is telling the Wife that you are out of the picture?

[olivebranch]

Here come the ''I told you so''.

 

Today he came in to work and showed me a watch his gave him yesterday.

 

Last week he bought a watch from a friend, I think she thinks I bought him that watch so now she bought him a watch so that he will wear her watch instead of my watch, or something weird like that. I did not buy him the watch however.

 

Point is - now shes competing or trying to buy his attention? I'm not sure?

 

And he is wearing the watch. He said it will cause ''drama'' if he does not wear it.

 

Am I focusing too much on a watch? Is he just wearing it because he likes it as he seems completely detached from her? Under these circumstances how can he accept gifts from her and not feel like a bad person?

 

And why would she buy him anything knowing what he is doing? Do you think he is sleeping with her? She still hardly calls his phone and when she does hes very hard and short on the phone. He says he is not........But I'm not convinced.

 

And now hes making plans to take me out tonight......

 

I think im about getting ready to bounce on this one. Im not going to compete for a man.

 

What do you think? Cake eater? Triangulation? Is this normal in this situation?

 

it's no fun to walk away girl, it's hard… but it's dark- right ? too dark for me. you can quit now too. you see the writing all over the wall, you're smart. just walk away and don't look back if you can manage. and if you slip up, just pick yourself on back up and get going.

[TunaCat]

I am so scared of getting hurt I have almost walked away a few times, but I cant.

 

OP, it's this statement that stuck out to me the most. You say you have almost walked away a few times but you can't.

 

That's not it. No one is holding you hostage, chaining you to the floor. You can walk away from this situation but you don't want to. There's a difference between can't & won't.

 

As for your later posts, if he was really unhappy & getting ready to leave his wife, he would not wear the watch no matter how much "drama" it would cause.

 

Of course he's sleeping with her. He's got his cake & he's eating it too. I mean come on, neither you nor his wife are willing to stand up for yourselves, demand better and say "this is not what I signed up for" Your MM is not going to change anything about his life right now. I mean, why would he? In his mind, he's got it made.

[anika99]

OP, you really need to have an open discussion with him on what his plans and where you fit in his life. I would not accept that reflective conversation method he does of turning things around and asking what you want.

 

Is it possible that he is telling the Wife that you are out of the picture?

 

Yeah, I wonder what the wife really knows. OP you say she knows but obviously she doesn't really know and that's why she came to see you and you wouldn't tell her anything. You think your MM is telling her everything she needs to know? What makes you think that? He's not telling you what you need to know, he avoids open and honest conversation with you, yet you think he turns into this great communicator when he walks into his house? He's playing the same game of "guess what I'm doing" with his wife that he's playing with you.

 

You should talk to his wife, I bet she will give you a lot of insight.

[sandylee1]

Sandylee -

 

He keeps asking me ... ''what do you want me to do?'' Tell me what you want me to do?'' ''How should I handle this?''

 

I reply with - '' I cant tell you what to do...that is something you need to decide for yourself ''.

 

I don't know how expects me to answer that.. I want him to choose what he feels is right for him, because if its not his choice then it will never last anyway.

 

 

I'd be very clear..my answer would be that I want you to take decisive action to show that you want me and only me.

 

If the roles were reversed what would he want? Or would he be happy that you continuedto live with your SO or husband?

[Sub]

And he is wearing the watch. He said it will cause ''drama'' if he does not wear it.

 

The A is "out in the open", yet he's worried about the drama that will come from not wearing a watch. Something doesn't add up.