In love with two men

[Trix]

Hey guys,

 

so this is actually my first post ever on such a community forum and I really hope you'll be able to give me some advices. I need it! So as the title already states, I am currently in love with two men. One of them being my long-distance realtionship (M.) and the other one being my two months long affair (P.). Of course the whole storyline is way more complex than just that! Just to give you a heads up on the previous history. So me and M have had a very rough two years together of long distance relationship. I was madly in love with him and the fact that we had a distance relationship from pretty much the very beginning, I felt very insecure and had issues with him not being as committed as I would have liked it to be. I managed to basicaly spend a lot of time at his place, while he mainly remained passiv throughout our entire relationship. I always felt like he was lacking a sense of loyalty and committment and I couldn't comprehend while he didn't engage more, although he always told me how much he loves me. After two years I finally reached my ending point and ended up quitting with him. It was the toughest break up I have ever experienced. It felt he was dead. I wasn't angry, nor jealous or whatever kind of negative feeling. All i felt was just this deep sadness of knowing that we couldn't make it work, even though we loved each other so much.

 

We ended up being seperated for one and a half years and I was actually to some extent hoping that we could come back together. The original idea of my break up was to foster his engagement and to fight for us more. However, things turned out differently. After 7 months of our breakup, I took a flight and went to visit him. The feeling when I saw him was overwhelming. I kept crying non stop, knew within seconds that I still loved him and he said he would love me as well, but could not be together with me. This throw me off completley. I was shocked, nearly traumatized and realized that he'll never change and that this will be an ever-ending story of me engaging to hundred percent, taking risks all the time and he mainly remaining passive. A year later I went to see him again. Honestly, I just needed a vacation for four days and the flight to him cost me just 40 bugs - I went for it. I was sure, I was finally over him. I expected nothing, I was not angry anymore, I moved on. As I saw him again, I reacted in quite the same way as a year before. I was overwhelmed, felt a strong feeling for him but this time I couldn't distinguish whether it was the memory of the way how we used to love eachother which got me so emotional or the fact that I do indeed still love him.

 

And this is when he suddenly decided he wanted to go back with me and we could re-establish our relationship. I've told him that I still love him as well and that I want this to be given another shot. But I also told him, that it would take me some time to trust in his intentions, because I have a problem with his passive and non-engaged behavior. I went back home. It took him over a months to book a flight, so we could see each other again after two months! I was pissed, but didn't want to get too overdramatic. During that time I moved to a different city and just two weeks before M. was supposed to come and visit me, I met J.

 

It was pure chemistry. Kind of felt like when I met M. for the first time. I started shaking when I saw him, when he touched me I was in different spheres... It was just the best form of chemistry. I thought I would never experience again and I missed it so much. I couldn't restrain myself and so I ended up having sex with him. To be honest, I didn't feel guilty but just happy. The past two years have been the most depressing ones in my lifetime and I lost a lot of positivism within me. Even when things started again with M., at the end it was based on a ten days visit and since then (two months ago) I haven't seen him again. Also this relationship with M. is a struggle and always was. It's simply broken and always needs a fix. But we keep fixing it, both. Anyways, as I slept with J. the feeling was so intense. He and us together were so intense. I haven't had any kind of good sex life with M any more and also when we broke up the first time and to be honest, I don't feel the need to have sex with him neither. With J it is the total opposite and after the sex, I start crying. I start crying also when I just look at him. There is something about him and whatever it is, he triggers something within me and of course - it is just such a strong chemistry and I fell in love.

 

I told M. pretty much from the very beginning that I had sex with J. He told me that he knew already before I told him and mentioned that he had slept with another girl out of anger. However, he still managed to come to visit me and promoted some sort of "i made a mistake, take your time, figure things out and we can get through this speech". I was impressed and since then keep fighting agains my emotions for J.

 

I got weak another time and M found out. He was about to quit with me and still, we stick together. He knows that he ****ed up many times... Now the facts are as follows:

 

Since I got back with M. we saw eachother two times within four months. Not much more. He basically came out of convenience the first time when he found out I had an affair, because the flights were already booked in August. Since then he keeps posponing to book another flight to come up. My university schedule is the biggest mess ever, so I have no options at all to come down. We live about 1500 km away.

 

J. claims that he can't go on like this because he doesnt want to engage in someone who is still some kind of engaged with somebody else. Therefore he reacts very passively, it is very difficult to communicate with him and I dont really know what his real intentions are with me. I dont think though, that he is just taking advantage of this situation. Else way he would keep having simple sex with me and not giving a **** that I might still have feelings for somebody else. Both know that I am emotionally confused and both tell me I need to figure it out. But at the end of the day, there is also a lot of pride involved. I feel that J. should invest more and spend time with me. I need to get to know him better, but he doesnt give me the chance since he doesnt want to invest in this when things are still uncertain cause he doesnt like to take that risk. On the other hand he behaves like he is totally in love with me, but then again when I tell him he doesnt want to believe it or says he cant and mentions that the only reason why he isnt in love with me yet, is because my heart still belongs to M.

 

I keep running after J. and M. Guys, I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I finally have M where I always wanted him to be, but the chemistry is way stronger with J. However, in the past weeks M. turned back very passive and just behaves in the same pattern as when we were together for the first time. He keeps postponing dates and it doesn't seem I can rely on him to come up or not. Also we dont know when we will ever be able to get out of this distance relationship for about the next one/two years...

 

All in all it is very complex. Thank you in advance and I'm looking forward to some advices from you people I really am close to my breaking point.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hey guys,

 

so this is actually my first post ever on such a community forum and I really hope you'll be able to give me some advices. I need it! So as the title already states, I am currently in love with two men. One of them being my long-distance realtionship (M.) and the other one being my two months long affair (P.). Of course the whole storyline is way more complex than just that! Just to give you a heads up on the previous history. So me and M have had a very rough two years together of long distance relationship. I was madly in love with him and the fact that we had a distance relationship from pretty much the very beginning, I felt very insecure and had issues with him not being as committed as I would have liked it to be. I managed to basicaly spend a lot of time at his place, while he mainly remained passiv throughout our entire relationship. I always felt like he was lacking a sense of loyalty and committment and I couldn't comprehend while he didn't engage more, although he always told me how much he loves me. After two years I finally reached my ending point and ended up quitting with him. It was the toughest break up I have ever experienced. It felt he was dead. I wasn't angry, nor jealous or whatever kind of negative feeling. All i felt was just this deep sadness of knowing that we couldn't make it work, even though we loved each other so much.

 

We ended up being seperated for one and a half years and I was actually to some extent hoping that we could come back together. The original idea of my break up was to foster his engagement and to fight for us more. However, things turned out differently. After 7 months of our breakup, I took a flight and went to visit him. The feeling when I saw him was overwhelming. I kept crying non stop, knew within seconds that I still loved him and he said he would love me as well, but could not be together with me. This throw me off completley. I was shocked, nearly traumatized and realized that he'll never change and that this will be an ever-ending story of me engaging to hundred percent, taking risks all the time and he mainly remaining passive. A year later I went to see him again. Honestly, I just needed a vacation for four days and the flight to him cost me just 40 bugs - I went for it. I was sure, I was finally over him. I expected nothing, I was not angry anymore, I moved on. As I saw him again, I reacted in quite the same way as a year before. I was overwhelmed, felt a strong feeling for him but this time I couldn't distinguish whether it was the memory of the way how we used to love eachother which got me so emotional or the fact that I do indeed still love him.

 

And this is when he suddenly decided he wanted to go back with me and we could re-establish our relationship. I've told him that I still love him as well and that I want this to be given another shot. But I also told him, that it would take me some time to trust in his intentions, because I have a problem with his passive and non-engaged behavior. I went back home. It took him over a months to book a flight, so we could see each other again after two months! I was pissed, but didn't want to get too overdramatic. During that time I moved to a different city and just two weeks before M. was supposed to come and visit me, I met J.

 

It was pure chemistry. Kind of felt like when I met M. for the first time. I started shaking when I saw him, when he touched me I was in different spheres... It was just the best form of chemistry. I thought I would never experience again and I missed it so much. I couldn't restrain myself and so I ended up having sex with him. To be honest, I didn't feel guilty but just happy. The past two years have been the most depressing ones in my lifetime and I lost a lot of positivism within me. Even when things started again with M., at the end it was based on a ten days visit and since then (two months ago) I haven't seen him again. Also this relationship with M. is a struggle and always was. It's simply broken and always needs a fix. But we keep fixing it, both. Anyways, as I slept with J. the feeling was so intense. He and us together were so intense. I haven't had any kind of good sex life with M any more and also when we broke up the first time and to be honest, I don't feel the need to have sex with him neither. With J it is the total opposite and after the sex, I start crying. I start crying also when I just look at him. There is something about him and whatever it is, he triggers something within me and of course - it is just such a strong chemistry and I fell in love.

 

I told M. pretty much from the very beginning that I had sex with J. He told me that he knew already before I told him and mentioned that he had slept with another girl out of anger. However, he still managed to come to visit me and promoted some sort of "i made a mistake, take your time, figure things out and we can get through this speech". I was impressed and since then keep fighting agains my emotions for J.

 

I got weak another time and M found out. He was about to quit with me and still, we stick together. He knows that he ****ed up many times... Now the facts are as follows:

 

Since I got back with M. we saw eachother two times within four months. Not much more. He basically came out of convenience the first time when he found out I had an affair, because the flights were already booked in August. Since then he keeps posponing to book another flight to come up. My university schedule is the biggest mess ever, so I have no options at all to come down. We live about 1500 km away.

 

J. claims that he can't go on like this because he doesnt want to engage in someone who is still some kind of engaged with somebody else. Therefore he reacts very passively, it is very difficult to communicate with him and I dont really know what his real intentions are with me. I dont think though, that he is just taking advantage of this situation. Else way he would keep having simple sex with me and not giving a **** that I might still have feelings for somebody else. Both know that I am emotionally confused and both tell me I need to figure it out. But at the end of the day, there is also a lot of pride involved. I feel that J. should invest more and spend time with me. I need to get to know him better, but he doesnt give me the chance since he doesnt want to invest in this when things are still uncertain cause he doesnt like to take that risk. On the other hand he behaves like he is totally in love with me, but then again when I tell him he doesnt want to believe it or says he cant and mentions that the only reason why he isnt in love with me yet, is because my heart still belongs to M.

 

I keep running after J. and M. Guys, I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I finally have M where I always wanted him to be, but the chemistry is way stronger with J. However, in the past weeks M. turned back very passive and just behaves in the same pattern as when we were together for the first time. He keeps postponing dates and it doesn't seem I can rely on him to come up or not. Also we dont know when we will ever be able to get out of this distance relationship for about the next one/two years...

 

All in all it is very complex. Thank you in advance and I'm looking forward to some advices from you people I really am close to my breaking point.

 

Complex?

 

Not really.

 

You love M. You lust J.

J won't invest into you because of M. You secretly pine for M, but are satisfied with the short term solution that is J because of the lack of M.

 

Let J go. Go after M.

[sandylee1]

Your relationship with your long distance lover isn't going anywhere ....so many years and nothing has come of it . If you were both serious enough you'd make plans to be in the same city.

 

Start afresh with J.

[smackie9]

With M you are like a drug addict chasing the dragon.....still looking for that intense high from the first time. Reality is tho, you will never have it. When you are off and on with someone it means it's not working out and you should just quit it.

 

J is just a rebound. J is just filling the void left from M's lack of appreciation, caring affection and attention. You are emotionally unavailable to J and he deserves better.

You have become so dependent emotionally with these two, they both only give you a quick fix that still leaves you empty.

You need to start fresh with no one so that you can find yourself.

[casey.lives]

Emotional whoredom is not love!!!!!!!!!!!

[Trix]

Thank you guys. I really appreciate all your comments. Certain things are definitly still unclear for me, but I do realize that my relationship with M. needs to end for good. We failed one time, we failed a second time by betraying each other and we still keep up the struggle in a distance relationship, in which we barely see each other. Besides, there is still no concrete future plan on how we could finally end up this distance disaster.

[Trix]

I definitly agree that I am emotionally confused. J. though isn't really a rebound for me. I can differ that. The feelings I have for him are rare and I have just experienced such feelings for M. before. However, I do agree that I shouldn't get involved with either one of them till I am not emotionally stable. Any ideas how to do so? Quit with both, loose both? Thanks in advance. I really appreciated your response!

[smackie9]

Quit both and focus on YOU. Please realize a man does not give you a life, only you can do that for yourself. You may feel you are losing something, but in reality you are gaining your freedom when you break these emotional chains.

 

Don't worry about them, you will find love again....the same old saying "there's plenty of fish in the sea". and it can't be any truer.

 

Tip: get busy with life. Find a hobby, take a trip, make new friends, rekindle old friendships, spend time doing things for YOU.