Feeling lost and stuck... still.

[Ashbash11]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted here in a while. My last thread topic was an "early midlife crisis at age 30" and about how I feel dissatisfied with the way my life has turned out.. Well, unfortunately, things have not improved since then. In fact, they have gotten a bit worse. Sorry if this is long..

 

As I mentioned in my last thread, I've been seeing a therapist weekly to deal with my "issues." Last week, after seeing him weekly for about 3 months, my therapist basically gave up on me. He said that if I don't start taking medication to address my anxiety and depression symptoms (not "clinical" depression), that any suggestions he makes will not help me because my anxiety will "sabotage" them. Basically, he can't help me unless I start taking medication. He also said that instead of therapy helping, or me "getting better," that my problems have "escalated" and they've been exacerbated by therapy. I left the appointment feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and abandoned in some way. Medication doesn't necessarily have to be part of the treatment for mental health disorders/issues... I felt like he was forcing it on me. I canceled my appointment for this week because the way he had presented it rubbed me the wrong way... I don't feel like therapy is helping, either. He's my third therapist (I tried two others before him and I didn't like their styles/they were unprofessional) he has 30 years of experience, PhD, the whole works. But I feel the same inside... talking about my problems hasn't helped. He claims to be trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but he seems to be more of an old-fashioned psychoanalyst to me. He fixates a lot on my mother and my childhood.. there's never talk about ways to make my current life more enjoyable, or "goals" to set and accomplish, changing thought patterns, etc. The hallmarks of CBT.. Maybe I should change therapists, or maybe therapy just won't work for me. Who knows. Anyone else have experience with this?

 

Then.. I just found out that my mom has a rare form of uterine cancer called "clear cell carcinoma." Only 4% of women get this type.. I'm scared to death. I am an only child, and my parents live in another state. She's having surgery next week, and then possibly chemo and/or radiation. I don't know much else at this time. But my anxiety level has been really high. I've been having trouble sleeping, and I'm very worried about the future. Will I have to move to be closer to my parents? Quit my job? What will happen to my husband, and the house we just bought? There are a lot of unknowns... and those are hard. So now, on top of feeling lost and unsure of where my life is heading, I'm anxious about my mom's health, and I feel abandoned by my therapist. I feel like there's nowhere to turn. Most of my friends are very busy, even my husband is busy. I only see him maybe 1 hour per day. He barely has time to talk to me. I'm really, truly alone. Lonely, anxious, and unsupported. I keep feeling like there has to be a better way.. there has to be a way to make life more enjoyable. I just don't know how at this point. I feel like giving up. I have fantasies on a daily basis of running away.... just moving to another state, or country and doing a brand new job, starting fresh.. cutting all ties to people I know currently. I know it's not realistic, but my current life as it is feels unbearable, and dreaming of an escape makes me feel hopeful. I don't really know what I'm looking for in writing all of this, but maybe at least understanding? Someone else who can relate to the feelings I'm describing? Suggestions? I don't even know. Maybe, just to not feel so alone.