In our society, is grief taboo?

[truthtripper]

If you have lost a loved one, either through death or break-up, or are suffering from some other kind of trauma which has left you emotionally disabled- have the people in your life been their for you, supported you, given you the time to express your feelings? Or did you feel alone in your journey of recovery?

[gaius]

I'm not sure what you mean by emotionally disabled. The one time I went through something like that the people closest to me supported me to a point, offering emotional support, letting me talk sometimes if I wanted, but I'm guessing if I ever devolved to the point of laying in bed all day being totally non-functional or talking endlessly about nothing other than the negative stuff I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been tolerated. If that's what you're getting at.

 

In other words it's still tolerated but you have to pull yourself together enough to still be a functioning member of your relationships.

[d0nnivain]

Grief isn't taboo but few people know how to let you grieve. People want to rush to make you "feel better" or they avoid you.

 

 

When my parents died, I cried a lot publically. A lot of people were uncomfortable because my displays overwhelmed them. I didn't really care.

 

 

Through that experience I have learned to be more empathic to people who are hurting. I just hug them or listen while they cry because they need to be in that moment. Tears can be cathartic.

[truthtripper]

I'm not sure what you mean by emotionally disabled. The one time I went through something like that the people closest to me supported me to a point, offering emotional support, letting me talk sometimes if I wanted, but I'm guessing if I ever devolved to the point of laying in bed all day being totally non-functional or talking endlessly about nothing other than the negative stuff I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been tolerated. If that's what you're getting at.

 

In other words it's still tolerated but you have to pull yourself together enough to still be a functioning member of your relationships.

Sometimes it's necessary to be "non-functional", like a bird that's flown into a window, falls to the ground and goes into paralysis-the crucial moments during which the brain processes the trauma. After some time, the bird will regain it's consciousness, the trauma having been processed and it will fly away.

 

Getting on with life or "pulling yourself together" is the antithesis of healing, as it does not allow us, like the bird, to fully process our pain- healing becomes an endless drawn out struggle- a common scenario.

[truthtripper]

Grief isn't taboo but few people know how to let you grieve. People want to rush to make you "feel better" or they avoid you.

 

 

When my parents died, I cried a lot publically. A lot of people were uncomfortable because my displays overwhelmed them. I didn't really care.

 

 

Through that experience I have learned to be more empathic to people who are hurting. I just hug them or listen while they cry because they need to be in that moment. Tears can be cathartic.

I wander why it is that people are uncomfortable with tears that are so valid?? Death is a normal part of life, so one would expect that understanding and empathy would come naturally to people, especially after 200,000 years of modern human existence.

[crederer]

People have supported me but I have to admit, grief or being emotional makes me feel weak and pitiful.

[truthtripper]

.......grief or being emotional makes me feel weak and pitiful.

This is just my point. We aspire to be like machines, putting on a brave front rather than simply letting ourselves be human-collapsing into grief is perceived as some kind of malfunction.

[luvflower]

This is just my point. We aspire to be like machines, putting on a brave front rather than simply letting ourselves be human-collapsing into grief is perceived as some kind of malfunction.

 

Totally agree with you. I'm not sure if its just our western culture or what, but yes indeed we seem to "aspire to be like machines". So not good. People are people... Not machines. When we as people realize that we'll have more empathy for ourselves and in turn for others.

 

I've dealt w/grief and depression. People expect you be upbeat when they are or they say things like its ok to feel this way for now, just not too long or innthis way or that way. In my head I'm like "you don't get to tell me how or how long I'm able to grieve or feel what I'm feeling!" It infuriates me. Each of us is wired differently and I doubt that any of us actually WANT to be depressed or just down for long periods of time. It's horrible. Especially when you haven't always been that way.

 

For me, people typically see me as positive,confident, upbeat, funny,etc..and I am all of that no doubt. However, I have triggers that can't always be avoided. I'm now getting help, but this is truly a journey. None of us should ever judge others for their grieving process.

[truthtripper]

Totally agree with you. I'm not sure if its just our western culture or what, but yes indeed we seem to "aspire to be like machines". So not good. People are people... Not machines. When we as people realize that we'll have more empathy for ourselves and in turn for others.

 

I've dealt w/grief and depression. People expect you be upbeat when they are or they say things like its ok to feel this way for now, just not too long or innthis way or that way. In my head I'm like "you don't get to tell me how or how long I'm able to grieve or feel what I'm feeling!" It infuriates me. Each of us is wired differently and I doubt that any of us actually WANT to be depressed or just down for long periods of time. It's horrible. Especially when you haven't always been that way.

 

For me, people typically see me as positive,confident, upbeat, funny,etc..and I am all of that no doubt. However, I have triggers that can't always be avoided. I'm now getting help, but this is truly a journey. None of us should ever judge others for their grieving process.

Really well put, luvflower!

 

Yes, it is a journey which should be respected by others, rather than ridiculed, the latter which I have experienced way too often.

[scooby-philly]

Yes - grief is tolerated - to a point. And to d0nnavain's point - a lot of people don't know how to handle grief from someone else - too many people are taught either avoidance or "run the mouth" instead of what's necessary - just presence.

 

I was a HS teacher in a Catholic religious order and I used to say the greatest gift we can give each other is our presence. While I no longer practice my favorite part of the mass was always the handshake/hug at the Sign of Peace. Why? People because treated each other nicely, smiled, and there was a sense of community.

 

I was dumped by my fiancee 2 1/2 years ago - 4 days before our wedding. I acted like a drunk dumbass at my bachelor party, ended up at a strip club and tried to get a bj from a stripper.....yes bad...but not bad enough to throw away 2 1/2 years together (including living together for 1 &1/2 years) of happiness, togetherness, etc. I was a wreck for weeks - honestly felt like I would die - not close to killing myself but just completely overwhelmed and my family, while not alwasy the best, was smart enough to help me grieve. While my dad is always the type to try and act the expert and know what to do or say in any situation, at least I was able to let the grief out.

[truthtripper]

Yes - grief is tolerated - to a point. And to d0nnavain's point - a lot of people don't know how to handle grief from someone else - too many people are taught either avoidance or "run the mouth" instead of what's necessary - just presence.

I wander why it is that people can't handle grief, when it's a normal part of being human.

[scooby-philly]

Honestly, I wonder that too. I've learned that I inherited my dad's penchant for wanting to always "know the answer" and that I have to battle against that and the whole "avoid" feelings or over-talk them. It's not easy to just "experience" them.

 

Yes, grief is a natural part of our being. I love the responses thus far from other people. We are human "beings" - not human "doings" or as one acquaintance said "we're not automatons". WE've been conditioned to ignore our emotions, we don't teach people how to listen to their guts (in fact we spend more time & money teaching people how to deconstruct poetry than how to recognize, feel, and respond to our own emotions)

[BC1980]

I wander why it is that people are uncomfortable with tears that are so valid?? Death is a normal part of life, so one would expect that understanding and empathy would come naturally to people, especially after 200,000 years of modern human existence.

 

Because people don't like to be reminded that death is inevitable. People don't like to be reminded that bad things happen and that they are just as vulnerable to grief and sadness as the next person.

[truthtripper]

Honestly, I wonder that too. I've learned that I inherited my dad's penchant for wanting to always "know the answer" and that I have to battle against that and the whole "avoid" feelings or over-talk them. It's not easy to just "experience" them.

 

Yes, grief is a natural part of our being. I love the responses thus far from other people. We are human "beings" - not human "doings" or as one acquaintance said "we're not automatons". WE've been conditioned to ignore our emotions, we don't teach people how to listen to their guts (in fact we spend more time & money teaching people how to deconstruct poetry than how to recognize, feel, and respond to our own emotions)

We like to believe that we are "fully evolved", but I guess since evolution is an everlasting, continuous process, we still have a lot of evolving to do in terms of our emotional awareness.

[truthtripper]

Because people don't like to be reminded that death is inevitable. People don't like to be reminded that bad things happen and that they are just as vulnerable to grief and sadness as the next person.

....but avoiding emotional pain is not helpful, it's the opposite of progressive, it's stagnant, "sweep it under the carpet" mentality, " ignore it and it will go away". This is the cause of a lot of mental illness and crime-repressed emotions.

[GemmaUK]

Good thread topic!

 

I'm posting now to remind myself to come back and post again to be honest

-which I will over the weekend.

 

People grieve in different ways to some extent and this is what is stated more often than not but I am not entirely convinced of this due to my own experiences with death and with situations of friends, colleagues and acquaintances or people I have only just met.

 

 

I have found one powerful common denominator with grief and the attitude towards it. Is attitude the right word? I don't know.

I'll be back to post my experiences over the weekend.

[TaraMaiden2]

Its not that 'Grief' is taboo.

It's Death.

People don't like to think about death. It's always something that happens to other people, but we rarely sit and consider that we one day too, shall die.

In fact, we're dying now. All of us.

We are in the process, day by day, hour by hour, of getting closer to the point when we shall breathe out, our last breath.

Every day is one day less.

 

The problem is, we don't actually know when that day will be.

We all seem to take it for granted or take it as read, that we will be old, frail and helpless, surrounded by our family, as comfortable as it's possible to be, while we slowly release our stranglehold, insistent grip on Life.

 

For some of us though, it could be a lot closer than that.

I always point to this, but had anyone told the future occupants of the World Trade Centre towers on the 10th of September 2001, that they'd be dying the next day, how many would have believed it? They never even thought about it.

It never entered their heads - why would it?

When you HAVE a life, you take it for granted that you'll be allowed to live it, comfortably. You have things to do, appointments to keep, achievements to accomplish, dreams to fulfil, partners to find, lovers to cherish, work to carry out, bills to pay, dogs to walk, mothers to visit....

 

Oh.... Really?

 

You think any of that will stop or prevent that moment, when it arrives?

The heck it will.

When it comes upon you, nothing will delay it or hold it back.

 

Does the above make you feel uncomfortable?

Does any of what I have written, resonate uneasily with you?

 

There's your 'taboo'.

You'd better start living with 'Death' in your pocket, because one day, instead of small change, that's what you'll be holding in the palm of your hand.

Your own end.

 

Because people don't like to be reminded that death is inevitable. People don't like to be reminded that bad things happen and that they are just as vulnerable to grief and sadness as the next person.

 

Death isn't 'bad'. Dying isn't 'bad'.

Dying just 'is' because it's both inevitable and universal. There's nothing 'bad' about death.

It's how it affects us that can be negative and debilitating.

And that depends entirely on how we have come to view death.

 

Grief is all very well, but it won't undo what we wish was undone.

To grieve is healthy.

to wallow and to persist in remaining stuck in the inevitability of it all, is the unhealthy bit.

[stillafool]

If you have lost a loved one, either through death or break-up, or are suffering from some other kind of trauma which has left you emotionally disabled- have the people in your life been their for you, supported you, given you the time to express your feelings? Or did you feel alone in your journey of recovery?

 

Yes I've been fortunate that people were there for me during times of love lost and death of loved ones. As far as breakups are concerned people will listen for a while but do get tired when the grieving process goes on too long. They feel that you should be over it after a while and don't want to continue to hear about your ex. I'm pretty much the same way. I try to heal myself without burdening my friends and relatives too long.

[Tayla]

It took a family member to whom I would have given my life for and pretty much did devote ten years to attending too....to learn thru grief.... their mortality and my own... Came to peace with that... still don't want to die yet that is the kicker... who really does?

Also a sweet lady sat with me when in the depths of grief... and held my hand... nothing to say... then after the tears subsided... she said.... when grief is with you.... comfort and share. And she thanked me for alllowing her to sit.. and be that comfort. We are told to be positive! be rejoicing in life! Yet it took many many months to rejoice .. and I still don't rejoice in that loss... So any of those phrases of , gosh they lived a long life, or it was meant to be, does nothing for the loss..But sit... hold that hand.. and walk thru that sorrow... that is called sharing the grief and comforting the truly besodded.

Take the time and learn that grief has no clock... its a journey til the bell tolls for you as well..

[anduina]

Mostly alone. Since my parents were too busy taking care of my AS brother, they didn't have anything left over for me.

[truthtripper]

Take the time and learn that grief has no clock... its a journey til the bell tolls for you as well..

When my grandmother died, my therapist told me that grieving was "selfish and a waste of time" as grandma was now in a better place- why was I to feel sorry for myself? I was a lot younger then so I believed her.

[dichotomy]

I have had some notable losses - including betrayal and divorce, cancer, and loss of parents.

 

My late father was one of those who was there for me like no other. He was a mountain of support, mainly just listening and talking. I don't know how he did it, other than I understand the love for a child is huge.

 

Other than that my therapist has been pretty good.

 

I think we as a society want people to be tough, heroic and more in the face of loss. An example these days is cancer - people are supposed to stand up and "fight it" and be strong and positive and talk about it openly and bravely with non cancer friends and family. I spent a lot of time under my bed sheets scared and sad. I always felt bad over that..

[truthtripper]

I spent a lot of time under my bed sheets scared and sad.

Naturally...and you were allowed to be....proudly own it and honour it.

[GunslingerRoland]

Personally I think when it comes to death people are pretty supportive and understanding of grieving. When it comes to breakup's not everyone is as understanding. A lot of just move on advice for people.

[deen-ooo]

it's normal. it is in any human context/society.