Wife confessed affair and other misbehavior during an unrelated fight.

[NORTHERNNV42]

I believe I am in the correct forum because I can't seem to get past the betrayal I feel and see no choice but to end our 14 year marriage. Am I right, or is this my fault?

 

My wife and I met 16 years ago when I was a 28 year old truck driver for an environmental company with a Monday night off in Reno because of a snowstorm in Donner Pass. We met in a dive bar where she and her friend had met to look at pictures they had taken during a New Year's Eve party. I had been divorced for about 6 months from the woman I had married at 18 (who had left me only after becoming pregnant as the result of a long term affair) and had only had a couple dates. I had moved from Northern Wisconsin to Long Beach, CA and started a new life. She and I saw each other long distance and within 6 months I quit my job and moved to Reno. Within a year I had gotten a job with a large environmental company and asked her to marry me.

I should interject that while my wife was 2 years older than me, when we met she had recently lost 260 pounds and had never even had a boyfriend. She embraced her new attractiveness and thrived on the attention she received from men. I indulged this characteristic and even participated in a few encounters with other couples so she could explore her sensual side. She actually suggested that we discontinue this after a couple uncomfortable encounters and I was good with this. During the next 10 years I discovered a talent for the environmental business through fast promotions I became regional general manager at the 5-year mark, with a very comfortable income. My responsibilities required me to be away for oil spills and other business obligations but I never worried because she had always been so open and honest with me. In 2012 I went to Hurricane Sandy and decided that I wanted to start my own business. My first venture ended badly when I was offered an equity stake and opened an office for a small environmental company. While the office was successful the owner and I did not mesh. I then spent a year in the North Dakota Oil-Fields. This is when I started to notice changes in the way she behaved towards me sexually, often putting me off until I finally left her alone. She also started going to bars a lot without me and when I returned I would hear stories of her "making out" with other men. When I would ask she would say it was "just kissing" and that I should know she enjoyed attention. When the price of oil fell, I returned home and started my business in earnest. She made a trip to New Orleans with a friend and ever since she returned I have had a feeling that something was wrong. We suffered financially, losing our house as i dedicated all of my resources to the business.

 

Now I have finally received a large contract but we are heavily in debt but there is finally light at the end of the tunnel and this contract will make us solvent and generate further business.

 

Tonight we were fighting about $300 I had spent and while she was angry I retorted by questioning her "make out sessions" she admitted to them but said that they never got naked. I asked her if I had done this with another woman if she would consider that cheating. She said nothing. She then asked if all I wanted her to do was admit to an affair. She then said that she did. At first I thought she was just saying it then said it was when she was in New Orleans then blamed me for it. There was no remorse. She actually accused me of spending the money so I would get her angry enough to admit to the affair. She then went to sleep on the couch.

 

I think that she told me so that I would end the relationship and that she is probably not telling me everything. I do not know what to think but in my experience my gut feeling usually has merit. Does anyone have any input?

[TaraMaiden2]

.... When I would ask she would say it was "just kissing" and that I should know she enjoyed attention. ...

Your biggest ever mistake was not dumping her then.

[PegNosePete]

I retorted by questioning her "make out sessions" she admitted to them but said that they never got naked.

If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Look up "trickle truth". It is a method cheaters very often use to minimize what they have done. I would bet my bottom dollar that you have not even scratched the surface of what really happened here.

 

said it was when she was in New Orleans then blamed me for it. There was no remorse.

Look up "blame shifting". Another tactic that cheaters regularly use to excuse their inexcusable actions. She seems to be following the cheaters handbook to the letter!

 

If there are problems in the marriage then it is the joint responsibility of both of you. But her cheating actions are 100% on her. She chose to handle a problem in the relationship by seeking affections elsewhere. That is not your fault in the slightest.

 

see no choice but to end our 14 year marriage.

I would concur with this. She is unremorseful and blames you for her terrible choices and actions. She has admitted (by her silence) that if you had done what she has done, she would drop you so fast it would make your head spin.

 

In these circumstances, if I were you, I would see a lawyer tomorrow and initiate divorce proceedings without delay.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

"Kissing" usually means oral sex or more.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

You need to divorce her immediately. She has obviously become comfortable engaging in physical contact with other men which is the point of no return. No way in hell should you deal with this trifling behavior while trying to operate a successful business . You're asking for nothing but trouble by trying to do so. Your "wife" lacks respects for you and the moment of clarity should have been her refusing to be sexual with you but having no problem doing such with everybody else. Leave ASAP or you'll find yourself in a position 100x worse. Trust me. I've had numerous friends/family/co-workers in similar positions and the only ones that transitioned to a brighter future were those that swiftly kicked the cheater to the curb and moved on.

[BetrayedH]

If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Look up "trickle truth". It is a method cheaters very often use to minimize what they have done. I would bet my bottom dollar that you have not even scratched the surface of what really happened here.

 

Look up "blame shifting". Another tactic that cheaters regularly use to excuse their inexcusable actions. She seems to be following the cheaters handbook to the letter!

 

If there are problems in the marriage then it is the joint responsibility of both of you. But her cheating actions are 100% on her. She chose to handle a problem in the relationship by seeking affections elsewhere. That is not your fault in the slightest.

 

I would concur with this. She is unremorseful and blames you for her terrible choices and actions. She has admitted (by her silence) that if you had done what she has done, she would drop you so fast it would make your head spin.

 

In these circumstances, if I were you, I would see a lawyer tomorrow and initiate divorce proceedings without delay.

 

I agree with all of this. I would only add that in some cases you'll see changes and remorse after you file for divorce. If you see true remorse, transparency, openness, honesty, empathy and a cessation of the blameshifting once you have filed, it's then reasonable to consider reconciling. You can always halt the proceedings if you think her remorse is sufficient to allow you to forgive her.

 

But in the meantime, your response to unacceptable behavior should be that you don't accept it. If you allow disrespect, then she will not respect you. And a woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect. Your best bet here (whether you want to reconcile or not) is to do 'the 180' (a good term to look up) and file for divorce. Show strength. Show her that she is going to lose you if she doesn't begin respecting you immediately. And don't remotely be shy about demanding exactly what you need in order to even consider reconciling with her.

 

Show strength, both to her and yourself.