Relationship Anxiety and Reassurance Seeking

[lyran]

Hi guys,

 

I seek too much reassurance from my girlfriend and doubt myself too much.

 

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, but I'm always wondering: would she still love me if she knew I had this thought, or if she knew this small detail about my interaction with another girl?

 

This leads me to want to check and get reassurance or certainty. I want to tell her every small detail, every thought, so that then she can determine if she still loves me. Otherwise, I feel like she won't have a complete view of me and won't be able to love the 'real me'; i.e. we'd be living a lie.

 

It's not that I've done anything wrong, but how do I know I haven't done anything wrong till I tell her? I guess I don't trust my own judgement because it's in my best interests that I believe I'm right. I want her to confirm that I'm right in thinking that my actions and thoughts are okay - otherwise I can't be certain that they are.

 

I have done this a few times, I feel a compulsion to disclose everything. She understands but really it's not healthy, and as soon as one thing is resolved, I cast doubt upon another issue or interaction or thought.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about it in a journal, to try and resolve it without telling her, but I never seem to be able to. I want that final confirmation from her.

 

Of course, this would become very tiring and annoying for her. I don't want to keep doing it, and it will never be over - I'll have to keep checking for every little thing.

 

For example: I hung out with an ex-gf for a while, my gf knew and was totally trusting and fine with it all and I told her about most of it afterwards. My ex also has a stable bf. Anyway, we were always on good terms. So we drank together, sat closer than I would with most other people, casually touched one another like I wiped a leaf off her leg - she grabbed my wrist for some reason, and all of this happened automatically - we hadn't seen each other for a year but it was like we had this automatic familiarity; we danced a bit, I threw her on some grass for a joke since I had fell earlier and then lay down beside her. I was super drunk at the time.

 

Although there was no reasons, feeling, or intention for either of us behind these things, I obsess like: oh my god, would I like it if my gf did this with an ex? I should of had more boundaries, sat more distant, maybe I got too close. Would it make my gf jealous if she had been there?

 

Does anyone have experience with this, or advice on different strategies for thinking/coping with this?

 

It means I can almost never fully relax and just enjoy our relationship. I'm always thinking about the past.

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Lyran

[road]

Now you know why there must be no contact with ex's when in another relationship.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your thoughts sound obsessive and if you cant control then, you should probably seek professional help.

 

That being said, the example provided about being drunk wih your ex, sounds very shady to me and I agree with your assessment that if your gf knew all the details, she probably woildnt be happy.

 

The simplest solution is to avoid putting youself in situations that could cause damage to your relationship, like drinking alone wih your ex... not doing it and then confessing.

 

Your gf may say she is fine with your behaivior but there is a chance she just does not want to be seen as vulnerable. You need to do a better job figuring out what kind of man you want to be and what types of boundaries are comfortable for you.

[ShatteredLady]

I started reading your post thinking, 'yep! Obsessive! That would be annoying." & ended it thinking 'What aren't you telling her?'.

 

Quote - "fine with it all and I told her about most of it afterwards."

 

In a situation like THAT you should be telling her EVERYTHING. What are you withholding & why? Do you often have boundary issues? Have you cheated in the past? Why oh why are you rolling around drunk with your ex?

 

Are all of the examples you stress over like this...VERY close to the line?

[lyran]

Yeah, actually the way I wrote it sounds shady. I agree.

 

No she knows everything. Have I cheated in the past - no.

 

Why I was I with my ex-gf; that's a long story but it looks something like this:

 

a) I have seen my gf for a total of 2 weeks out of the last 12 months. I would be spending time with her, but she's in a foreign country as part of a gap year; and even besides that, she is from the americas, where as I am from europe.

 

Needless to say this has been difficult - the most difficult and painful experience by far of my life; so I've spent most of the last 12 months being a needy emotional wreck.

 

b) I booked a holiday based on a friend plans, to the same country that my ex-partner (not really ex-gf actually, more a one/two night sort of thing that happened a year ago). So I was there to hang out with him predominantly, but basically his plans went crazy wrong, and I had booked the flight already. So I decided instead to hang out with friends and ex-partner to salvage the holiday. And, well, she has a partner who she loves, I have a partner who I love, and we actually spent that night talking about them mostly and how well it was going, and some of the struggles. We planned to just hang out as friends - and that's all we did.

 

c) I'm not hiding anything. I spoke to my girlfriend before and after the night and told her how I was feeling and everything. Like the small details I left out were like: oh, a leaf fell on her leg/knee and I wiped it off automatically (I didn't linger at all). We sat close together because we were listening to an ipod with one set of earphones. I fell earlier in the night and so I threw her on some grass, it was playful but there was no hugging or holding going on. Oh, we danced at some punk gig for 5 minutes, and I led her out by the hand as we left the dancefloor, like held fingertips, not like I would with my partner.

 

It's those little details that I am always like obsessing about.

[ShatteredLady]

That makes things sound different. I've never had a long distance relationship. It must be incredibly hard. Do you have plans for when this year is over? I'm from UK, living in the USA. It's harder than I ever imagined!

 

Have you read in the LDR forum? There might be some similar experiences to yours. I don't know if it's 'natural' to go a little 'crazy' when you're so far apart. Are you sure that you're not playing out your insecurities with her? Are you wanting to share everything because she doesn't share enough? I can understand wanting to share the same life...

[lyran]

Thanks, yes it is incredibly hard. And, we do have plans for next year to resolve all of this through visas/etc...

 

I dunno what it is. Does anyone else second guess themselves or feel like this?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Although nothing DID happen, you put yourself in a situation where something could have easily happened. Perhaps you were even tempted a little, but didn't indulge in those thoughts. Some good advice I've read here is "don't be tempted to be tempted." Perhaps you feel guilty about pushing things a bit, and allowing that temptation to exist in the first place? I bet if you went out for drinks, watched a game and went back home without the touchy feely stuff you would feel different.

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