Help! Should I stay or go?

[cj]

This is a little longI met a guy at work (I work downstairs, he is upstairs for another co. which does work for my co.)It started out as a motorcycle ride last Oct. We went out a few times, till it got cold, he even cooked me dinner! We started dating right before Christmas. (Thats when we were intimate) He spent all the Holidays with me. He told me he broke up with someone (March 2000 that he wanted to marry) because he found out she was cheating on him (a few times) with her ex. And that he didnt want a serious relationship. (He is getting therapy) I accepted that at the moment. (I had a bad relationship also 5 yrs ago & also went for therapy so I can understand the pain) Things & feelings changed since we have been intimate. We've had numerous lunches together whether at my desk or in the lunchroom. We email at work. He takes me out all the time. Sat home 2x's because I cooked him dinner) Treats me so good. He is a very gentle person before & after being intimate. He sometimes stares at me & smiles. But everytime I talk a little serious, he thinks about it & then it seems like he runs away. In otherwords, he will tell me he cant see me for awhile, outside work. Last month it 1st happend. All I said was can we go out on that Friday? Thats the 1st time he said he cant see me. He says its not me. That he cares about me & I am special (his valentine's day card to me said that) Then i backed off asking him out & 1-1/2 wks later he asked me out. From then on it was every Friday (1x a Thurs & Fri) Everything was great. Then 2 wks ago when we were out he mentioned that we were seeing each other every Fri. I then said something to the effect that I assumed it will always be every Fri. (A while later he just smiled at me &stared) Well, I was wrong. The next Thurs he told me the same thing as last month. That its not me, I am not doing anything wrong, I am doing everything right but he says he cant give me what I want. (every fri) And that we should be together 2-3x's per week & the weekend. He said its not fair to me. Whats happening here? Is he really scaird? Was he getting too close to me as far as emotions & go scaird? Is it trust issues? I need help. I am hurt this time because its been 3 months of seeing each other & for 1mo. every Fri. We've been more intimate. I told him I think I care too much. That I understand he dosent want a serious relationship now, but why cant he just keep seeing me every Fri? I told him I was happy with that. I started to cry for the 1st time when he broke the news & he felt really bad. What should I do? I am so confused. I feel he really cares, but is there hope? He was even getting affectionate in public like giving me hugs & gentle kisses. What's up? I feel so lonely & sad. Help-cj

[Laurynn]

Well it's now been a years since he broke up with his ex (the one who cheated). Yet he's still having obvious problems. Funny, he doesn't have a problem spending time with you when you two are 'intimate'....

 

He obviously has some stuff he needs to work through. But I don't think you should settle for less by putting your life on hold, and waiting for him in the wings. If you want to remain friends with him, that's fine..but if I were you, I'd STOP with the sex. He doesn't deserve the 'perks' of a relationship if a relationship is not what he's looking for/ready to be in.

 

Twice now, things have been good, then he's backed off. How old is he? How old are you?

 

You deserve a guy who's 'got it together'.....who's looking for the same things that you are (a relationship).....who enjoys spending time together, becoming closer.

 

It's possible that he's not 'over' his ex yet. Could it be possible that he's seeing his ex on the side?...and he felt a little 'cornered' with the "spending-every-Friday-night-together" because that might put a dent in his plans with his ex (or someone else?)??

 

Life is far too short to waste time with people who aren't on the same wavelength...who have all kinds of hangups that prevent them being able to be in/maintain a healthy relationship.

 

I suggest you back right off, give him his space....and do your best to go on with your life, date others. The guy sounds like a bit of a nut.

 

Laurynn

[PoohBear]

This is a little longI met a guy at work (I work downstairs, he is upstairs for another co. which does work for my co.)It started out as a motorcycle ride last Oct. We went out a few times, till it got cold, he even cooked me dinner! We started dating right before Christmas. (Thats when we were intimate) He spent all the Holidays with me. He told me he broke up with someone (March 2000 that he wanted to marry) because he found out she was cheating on him (a few times) with her ex. And that he didnt want a serious relationship. (He is getting therapy) I accepted that at the moment. (I had a bad relationship also 5 yrs ago & also went for therapy so I can understand the pain) Things & feelings changed since we have been intimate. We've had numerous lunches together whether at my desk or in the lunchroom. We email at work. He takes me out all the time. Sat home 2x's because I cooked him dinner) Treats me so good. He is a very gentle person before & after being intimate. He sometimes stares at me & smiles. But everytime I talk a little serious, he thinks about it & then it seems like he runs away. In otherwords, he will tell me he cant see me for awhile, outside work. Last month it 1st happend. All I said was can we go out on that Friday? Thats the 1st time he said he cant see me. He says its not me. That he cares about me & I am special (his valentine's day card to me said that) Then i backed off asking him out & 1-1/2 wks later he asked me out. From then on it was every Friday (1x a Thurs & Fri) Everything was great. Then 2 wks ago when we were out he mentioned that we were seeing each other every Fri. I then said something to the effect that I assumed it will always be every Fri. (A while later he just smiled at me &stared) Well, I was wrong. The next Thurs he told me the same thing as last month. That its not me, I am not doing anything wrong, I am doing everything right but he says he cant give me what I want. (every fri) And that we should be together 2-3x's per week & the weekend. He said its not fair to me. Whats happening here? Is he really scaird? Was he getting too close to me as far as emotions & go scaird? Is it trust issues? I need help. I am hurt this time because its been 3 months of seeing each other & for 1mo. every Fri. We've been more intimate. I told him I think I care too much. That I understand he dosent want a serious relationship now, but why cant he just keep seeing me every Fri? I told him I was happy with that. I started to cry for the 1st time when he broke the news & he felt really bad. What should I do? I am so confused. I feel he really cares, but is there hope? He was even getting affectionate in public like giving me hugs & gentle kisses. What's up? I feel so lonely & sad. Help-cj

I think that he's just afraid that he's falling in love and that he'll just get his heart broken again. Explain to him that you think you know why he's behaving the way he is. If you're sure that this is the reason, and you're sure that you won't break his heart... tell him!