Betrayed spouses. When do normal thoughts return?

[puzzleddad67]

I have a thread over in General Forum but need info from the people here. (MY thread started before I knew she was cheating)

 

When do normal thoughts return? How far out in time?

 

Does trust of others return? I'm very suspicious of everyone except my kids.

 

One of the wives of my friends seems to a little too casually mention one of her single friends (several times and always in a complimentary way). Maybe Im reading too much into this. LIke I said I dont necessarily trust my perceptions. Still my intellectual mind tells me that statistically I will have other relationships. The not intellectual side of me is horrified at the prospect. Does this change?

 

I find MANY songs suddenly mean things to me. I heard 38 Special "If Id Have Been The One". It is like my life. There are a ton of others but that one struck me very hard. Its like what I would say if that 'special' part of her were still there. The special part was her fidelity. I feel so 'left behind.' while she is planning her future with the other man.

 

Does the worry for your kids get better? A lot of my anxiety is about my kids even though they seem okay on the outside and even tell me so.

[qubist]

Puzzledad 67, I just read your story and I'm sorry for your struggle. You have to understand that you are still under the shock of what happened and haven't yet reached a point where you could judge things normally. So there is no need to rush into new relationship. However, you should be wise enough to realize there is a life for you out there to enjoy. Experiences like this would either make you or brake you. You should take advantage of it and motivate yourself to be a better man. Everyone is different some can move on the next day others spend the rest of there life dwelling.

Your feelings are normal and will go away with time, but do not let them control you. Go out and try your best to live well. Do not rush to a new relationship but it is ok to go out with other women. Trust me it would help you a lot.

If you see yourself stuck too long and can't move on go get professional help

[dichotomy]

Old normal - never returns. A "new normal" eventually comes in, your not the same person anymore.

[Jonah]

I read your posts on the other forum. You did well.

Welcome to bachelorhood. Get ready for the time of your life! It does include loneliness, but you gotta lose to get the full effect of the glory of winning!

 

I had the same feelings about my ex... an illusion that she was living the good life. My bet is like mine, yours will have many flames to jump through, much crap to eat from guys that by no means care like you did. There is a good chance that she will end up a lonely old lady.

 

For you, this is where you get to live a new life! M suggestion is to make sure it includes exercise and everything wholesome and healthy.

 

It took a year for me to find be ok, two to find real peace, after which a lovely lady came along and stole my freedom away... which is to say, find your peace and love will come later. Don't rush into romance. It is tempting... I know.

[puzzleddad67]

Im not going to get into a relationship anytime soon. First is I have zero desire. Second is I think of myself as a mirror. I won't hurt someone who has not first hurt me. I wont play with a woman's heart.

 

I wont let it ruin me. With or without a companion I will do things. I am golfing though that season is ending. I love this warm fall. I wont sit and mope. My kids wont let me anyway. My daughter is strong willed and pushes me. My friends dont let it slide either. Im more thinking in terms of being normal and trusting my perceptions more. Its weird how I now hear EVERY song that has any form of cheating in it.

 

I just realized I missed the normal fall get together in the city with other couple friends. NO WONDER the brochure I saw about it bothered me so much. (Sorry its in other thread. My soon-ex left a few brochures of stuff in the city lying around and it hit me kind of hard)

[BetrayedH]

There is some truth to the belief that this is the new normal. I believe that I am permanently changed in a fairly significant way. It takes a while to adapt to that.

 

I'd say it took me two years post-divorce to be good with life again. That said, it improved gradually over time and got quicker as time went by.

 

You'll get there, bro. One day, you'll likely be glad you're away from her. It took me quite a while to shed my old mental image of my wife and to see her for who she really is. I think that particular acceptance did a lot for me. I no longer longed for what I had lost.

[ladydesigner]

Old normal - never returns. A "new normal" eventually comes in, your not the same person anymore.

 

This ^ x1000

[Just a Guy]

Hi Puzzleddad, I read your thread in the General forum and I must say I admire your equanimity in dealing with a situation which has been unpleasant and quite obviously disturbing for you. I think you have come out of this messy business looking good!

I wonder if you are the kind that thrives on adventure or at least have a liking for it? If you do then I would suggest you take up some new and challenging activity like maybe Bungee jumping., para gliding, sky diving or may be something more tame like learning how to fly a plane or piloting a hot air balloon. I guess something lime that will occupy your mind and channel your energies in to some thing positive and make you feel good about your self. One thing I can tell you and that is quit worrying. It does you no good and doesn't change a thing. All you do is lose peace of mind. Activity which is proactive and takes your mind away from worry and negative thoughts is what you need right now. It is therapeutic.

As far as your STBX wife is concerned she will soon find that she has exchanged her Prince for the proverbial frog. She will probably come back pleading with you to give her another chance and take her back. However make sure that by then you have some chestnuts in the fire that you can flaunt for her and tell her that she made her bed and now she just has to sleep on it. Please forgive typos as I am typing this on my phone and being an old fogie am not good with all these new fangled devices! Cheers!

[Lion Heart]

Dear puzzleddad, I also read alot of your thread on the general forum. I'm really sorry for the pain you feel right now.

 

Your questions are regarding trust in new relationships?

And the new awareness of words in songs or when you hear people talking? That you see heavy signs of infidelity everywhere?

 

Personally I think this is a completely natural and normal reaction to what you've been through. After all your best friend of over 20 years, your W (WW) and the person you built a family with and thought you'd have forever with has betrayed you. It's like the person you thought HAD your back (as you did hers) chose to stab you in the back, play single and end all you thought you had.

 

From the moment after my D Day over 10 months ago, EVERYTHING in the whole world LOOKED different. Seriously it was like a dimmer light on the world had been turned up. It was shockingly bright (NOT happy, just visually). It could've been my over consumption of alcohol (lol) but I don't think so. It was very weird. It's stayed that way. The blinkers or blinders had finally come off. That's a good thing.

 

And yes I HEARD every word in songs for the first time. They ALL sang of cheating, betrayal etc. I'd seen Foo Fighters a few years ago, one of my favourite bands, sang loudly to their songs for years but after D Day BANG I heard the words and it shocked the cr** out of me! IDK why I never realized what they were singing about before. Trust maybe? Entertainment value?

Then with a shocking D Day, my new reality was reflected everywhere!

 

I've seen a number of ICs. I work with and have friends and even a neighbour who's a psychologist. Apparently I'm "normal". Ugh and yay. From LS I've realized I've been suffering from "triggers". Things I see, hear, think or EVEN mentally make new connections about (my WH infidelities) trigger me. It's instant and can play 5 movies simultaneously in my mind all at once! It's crazy making stuff! I used alcohol to dim them for a month but decided to white knuckle it through after that. I'm ok with triggers more now but sometimes they overwhelm me.

 

A little blond baby in a shopping trolley triggered me a few weeks ago. My youngest D looked just like her about 8y ago. I was alone in the car and parked and just cried sitting there. Just cried and cried and cried for a good 15 mins. My beautiful baby girl, I fought for her right to life, same with my twins, fought for their lives too. Why? To have their father betray them before they had left childhood? It's sh**.

 

But I can be more rational (at times). HE f***ed it. It's always an OPs option to screw people over. Even those they profess to "love". IMO love doesn't LOOK like that. Love has no room for betrayal. It's a closed case. Wasn't my choice to cheat my H nor my children. Luckily we only have control over ourselves. That's enough responsibility!

 

Red flags occur too. Similarly to triggers.

 

I'm becoming more ok with both of them. My awareness is heightened for now. It relaxes over time, with working on the issue. But tbh I NEVER WANT to lose the "sense" or "awareness" re OP. Sure I don't plan on being suspicious of every OP I meet but I sure am happy that I'm losing the naivete of blind trust. I was always a trust till they break it type of person. Now I'm the opposite. And I am VERY HAPPY for that. I'm very happy to stand back, observe and may develop a trust but I'm pretty "meh" about it all. It's a feeling of independence really. The people I trust the most are my children but hey they'll probably hurt me in some way or another in my future. That's ok, I half expect it in a way.

 

Puzzleddad I hear you're not interested in dating etc. I'm in total agreement there. I realized too that I had the huge potential to hurt my next bf and possibly the next 10! So it's a no go zone or better a "no need to go there" zone for me. I'm presently in R but that awareness of my part in any future relationship is there too. That's good too.

 

Just keep following your instincts. Get IC if you're concerned about yourself.

 

Personally I think you're doing incredibly well.

 

Lion Heart.

[merrmeade]

Hey PD,

Well, after all you've been through, it's to your credit there is so much that IS normal about your life right now and that you even ask this question. In fact, how about if you just look at the other side for a minute: Why are you not doing worse than you.

 

I think there are several reasons why you did not check out in non-functioning shock that leads to further disabling PTSD for many betrayed spouses. The depression I felt was, in fact, roiling anger that I hadn't acknowledged, much less let out, in the beginning. Doing so, I'm convinced now, would have saved me years of slow, agonizing recovery.

 

Basically, as someone said on your other thread, instead of being devastated, you were not only functioning, but able to accept the ramifications and act on this, able to make decisions and plans and parent your kids well. To generalize further, it was the fact that you FELT and acted on your anger right away—from the post on FB to the OM revenge outing with his work—that you are handling everything effectively AND are not stunned or crippled.

 

So this HEALTHY explosion of anger is a big deal and, in the grand scheme, fairly benign. I mean, think about it: You seem to regret posting the making-out image on FB but not the stuff that got the OM fired. So, I say, don't even regret the FB post, man. I'm a fan and think it was relatively harmless and will hasten your future recovery, what you probably mean by "normal thoughts return."

 

Next: I'll forego the philosophy and lecture on how life builds on our sorrows and lessons learned. Even the fact that you merely called yourself "puzzled dad" is further evidence of your priorities and stability. But I am editing this (taking out "you'll be just fine" and "not to worry") to add that it's my firm belief that a little or a lot of individual counseling will go a long way to helping you understand what's just happened in the larger context of your life and future goals.

 

But personally, I'm not worried about you, hon, and will just nudge you to remember later that "normal" wasn't good enough anyway and you will love better, smarter, deeper because of what you know.

Edited November 5, 2015 by merrmeade