Life changes have left me feeling like I made a mistake

[MissTrudy]

I’ve been in a funk lately.

 

A brief background on the situation: I just finished grad school at one of the best schools in the country, and i started a prestigious fellowship at another one of the best schools in the country. I have a supportive advisor and the colleagues in my new group are supportive and intelligent. My fellowship program connects me to future world leaders and some of the brightest people in the world. I should be riding high and happy on my horse of privilege, through fields of ivory towers, and I am grateful for this opportunity, but I am not happy. I am not crying myself to sleep at night thinking I made a mistake, I am not depressed like I was for a period during grad school (at least not yet…) but at the same time, I am not happy. and I do wonder if I made a mistake.

 

I am hoping it’s just settling in to my new place and surroundings. I moved closer to my family (just a relatively cheap, hour flight away) when I started this position, but I left behind my boyfriend and the support network that I had cultivated for five years. They are all a phone call and a five-hour flight away. I have some college friends in the area, in fact my current roommate is a good friend from college, but she has been kind of distant and we haven’t done too much together since I’ve moved in, primarily because I have been traveling a lot since I moved a few months ago. While my new lab is great, we don’t do much outside of lab which has been hard for me because my last lab, even though there was always some sort of tension, did a lot of fun things together outside of lab and we were really close as friends, if not always as colleagues (I know that doesn’t sound like it makes any sense, it’s hard to explain the bond we had). I know I can change this by inviting people over, asking my roommate to do stuff, etc, but I have been gone for at least 1.5 weeks a month since I got here in August, and when I haven’t been gone I’ve been hosting people here . That coupled with the fact that I am trying to publish a few final papers from my dissertation, I haven’t gotten any new work done in 3 months, and the semester is over in December.

 

I also feel like an impostor sometimes. The other fellows in my program are all 4-5 years older than me and while I really enjoy talking to them and they are extremely nice, I do feel some impostor syndrome sink in because they just seem to know so much more than me, and while the fellowship is interdisciplinary, most of the other fellows “talk the same language” so to speak, so sometimes I just feel lost. My previous institution didn’t have any sort of core learning goals in my field, so there are some gaps in my knowledge base. The good news is that I recognize these gaps, and I generally know what I need to study in order to fix it, but the bad news is I am having a hard time finding the motivation to fix this.

 

After a PhD with an advisor who wasn’t physically or mentally there, a PhD that I had to do everything for and then rushed to finish, I feel a bit burnt out. I took a vacation before leaving but the summer was hectic with moving and trying to finish a project that I already knew was dead (but my deadbeat advisor thought we could resuscitate).

 

I’ve allowed these feelings to get the best of me too. Earlier this year, I decided that I wasn’t going to go on the job market until next year because I want to get more publications, plus I have a lot of funding to stay here for some time. My new advisor is great and I want to have as much time as I can to learn from him and work with him. But a job opened up in the city I used to live in that in retrospect is near-perfect; if I got the job my boyfriend wouldn’t have to quit jobs/move here (something we talked about but haven’t planned) and while I would be far away from family again, I would be in a place where I know I’m happy.

 

But stupidly, I didn’t apply for the job because I “knew” my application wouldn’t be strong. I should’ve applied anyway because you never know, but I didn’t so now I can only pray that they don’t fill it this year and I can apply for it next year. I also allowed something one of my arrogant colleagues said get to me. He is currently applying for fellowships and talks constantly about how he has so many publications but he is worried he isn’t going to get a fellowship, and how he can’t understand how people apply for fellowships without publications. Well, surprise, I got my fellowship with no publications (I had three papers in review at the time of the application)! But I still feel a bit ashamed of my publication record and while I know quality is more important than quantity (some of his publications are in “bad” journals) I need a few more before I can be competitive for academic jobs.

 

But lately I’ve been questioning if I even want to stay in academia. But if I left, I don’t know how else to put my degree to good use; my other interests are very divergent from what I have a degree in, and they’re sort of sink or swim jobs. like academia. And not to sound smug but with academia, I am treading water without exerting much effort, due to all of my past accomplishments.

 

So many people believe in me but I am having a hard time believing in myself. My boyfriend has been supportive, giving me positive affirmations when I feel down, but I haven’t really talked about this with anyone else. I’ve talked about issues with my PhD before with my family and they were supportive, but lately so much else is going on that I don’t want to worry them, and I haven’t been talking to them as much as I usually do. I once mentioned to a cousin (she’s a single mom with two kids) how I feel and she said, incredulously, “you have a job lined up at [institution name], and you’re not happy?!?”

 

 

I don’t know what to do. I am going to try sticking it out here, but I feel like I am in over my head. I definitely haven't reached the lowest of all lows but I am worried that I will if I do not actively try to change something I will. On the bright side, I love exploring my new city and I have started taking some active steps to get fit. But I have next to no desire to work. I don't think I need therapy at this point, and honestly when I tried it before I thought it was horrible. Any advice on anything to do besides wait and see if it gets better with time?

[casey.lives]

Life is about making a series of mistakes... you live, you learn, you move on.

[Erlaad]

I’ve been in a funk lately.

 

A brief background on the situation: I just finished grad school at one of the best schools in the country, and i started a prestigious fellowship at another one of the best schools in the country. I have a supportive advisor and the colleagues in my new group are supportive and intelligent. My fellowship program connects me to future world leaders and some of the brightest people in the world. I should be riding high and happy on my horse of privilege, through fields of ivory towers, and I am grateful for this opportunity, but I am not happy. I am not crying myself to sleep at night thinking I made a mistake, I am not depressed like I was for a period during grad school (at least not yet…) but at the same time, I am not happy. and I do wonder if I made a mistake.

 

I am hoping it’s just settling in to my new place and surroundings. I moved closer to my family (just a relatively cheap, hour flight away) when I started this position, but I left behind my boyfriend and the support network that I had cultivated for five years. They are all a phone call and a five-hour flight away. I have some college friends in the area, in fact my current roommate is a good friend from college, but she has been kind of distant and we haven’t done too much together since I’ve moved in, primarily because I have been traveling a lot since I moved a few months ago. While my new lab is great, we don’t do much outside of lab which has been hard for me because my last lab, even though there was always some sort of tension, did a lot of fun things together outside of lab and we were really close as friends, if not always as colleagues (I know that doesn’t sound like it makes any sense, it’s hard to explain the bond we had). I know I can change this by inviting people over, asking my roommate to do stuff, etc, but I have been gone for at least 1.5 weeks a month since I got here in August, and when I haven’t been gone I’ve been hosting people here . That coupled with the fact that I am trying to publish a few final papers from my dissertation, I haven’t gotten any new work done in 3 months, and the semester is over in December.

 

I also feel like an impostor sometimes. The other fellows in my program are all 4-5 years older than me and while I really enjoy talking to them and they are extremely nice, I do feel some impostor syndrome sink in because they just seem to know so much more than me, and while the fellowship is interdisciplinary, most of the other fellows “talk the same language” so to speak, so sometimes I just feel lost. My previous institution didn’t have any sort of core learning goals in my field, so there are some gaps in my knowledge base. The good news is that I recognize these gaps, and I generally know what I need to study in order to fix it, but the bad news is I am having a hard time finding the motivation to fix this.

 

After a PhD with an advisor who wasn’t physically or mentally there, a PhD that I had to do everything for and then rushed to finish, I feel a bit burnt out. I took a vacation before leaving but the summer was hectic with moving and trying to finish a project that I already knew was dead (but my deadbeat advisor thought we could resuscitate).

 

I’ve allowed these feelings to get the best of me too. Earlier this year, I decided that I wasn’t going to go on the job market until next year because I want to get more publications, plus I have a lot of funding to stay here for some time. My new advisor is great and I want to have as much time as I can to learn from him and work with him. But a job opened up in the city I used to live in that in retrospect is near-perfect; if I got the job my boyfriend wouldn’t have to quit jobs/move here (something we talked about but haven’t planned) and while I would be far away from family again, I would be in a place where I know I’m happy.

 

But stupidly, I didn’t apply for the job because I “knew” my application wouldn’t be strong. I should’ve applied anyway because you never know, but I didn’t so now I can only pray that they don’t fill it this year and I can apply for it next year. I also allowed something one of my arrogant colleagues said get to me. He is currently applying for fellowships and talks constantly about how he has so many publications but he is worried he isn’t going to get a fellowship, and how he can’t understand how people apply for fellowships without publications. Well, surprise, I got my fellowship with no publications (I had three papers in review at the time of the application)! But I still feel a bit ashamed of my publication record and while I know quality is more important than quantity (some of his publications are in “bad” journals) I need a few more before I can be competitive for academic jobs.

 

But lately I’ve been questioning if I even want to stay in academia. But if I left, I don’t know how else to put my degree to good use; my other interests are very divergent from what I have a degree in, and they’re sort of sink or swim jobs. like academia. And not to sound smug but with academia, I am treading water without exerting much effort, due to all of my past accomplishments.

 

So many people believe in me but I am having a hard time believing in myself. My boyfriend has been supportive, giving me positive affirmations when I feel down, but I haven’t really talked about this with anyone else. I’ve talked about issues with my PhD before with my family and they were supportive, but lately so much else is going on that I don’t want to worry them, and I haven’t been talking to them as much as I usually do. I once mentioned to a cousin (she’s a single mom with two kids) how I feel and she said, incredulously, “you have a job lined up at [institution name], and you’re not happy?!?”

 

 

I don’t know what to do. I am going to try sticking it out here, but I feel like I am in over my head. I definitely haven't reached the lowest of all lows but I am worried that I will if I do not actively try to change something I will. On the bright side, I love exploring my new city and I have started taking some active steps to get fit. But I have next to no desire to work. I don't think I need therapy at this point, and honestly when I tried it before I thought it was horrible. Any advice on anything to do besides wait and see if it gets better with time?

 

Hi MissTrudy,

First of all, congratulations! You seem like a smart and very brilliant woman, and your academic results speak highly of you. Also, you're questioning what you thought was right until now, and this is a sign of immense strength of character. It tells that you're always trying for the best possible for yourself and the people around you, which is far from granted in general.

 

My advice for you now is to use this moment of blue as an opportunity. Your mind and your spirit are telling you that something is being left unresolved (I can only assume it was something from grad school or before) and this is the moment to work on it, because you cannot ignore it any longer (not that you should have ignored it in the first place, but it's ok).

 

Focus on your past, meditate, talk to a counselor or take.whatever action you need to get to the root. You are a woman of study so you know better than me that something must be sacrificed for the result, but your subconscious of acting out and you should take care of it.

 

Most of all, remember that everything will be ok and you have ALREADY done great things in you life. This one is just the greatest of you challenges, but nothing you can't overcome.

 

Be well and best of luck!

- Erl

[scooby-philly]

I’ve been in a funk lately.

 

A brief background on the situation: I just finished grad school at one of the best schools in the country, and i started a prestigious fellowship at another one of the best schools in the country. I have a supportive advisor and the colleagues in my new group are supportive and intelligent. My fellowship program connects me to future world leaders and some of the brightest people in the world. I should be riding high and happy on my horse of privilege, through fields of ivory towers, and I am grateful for this opportunity, but I am not happy. I am not crying myself to sleep at night thinking I made a mistake, I am not depressed like I was for a period during grad school (at least not yet…) but at the same time, I am not happy. and I do wonder if I made a mistake.

 

We all make mistakes. We assume we can analyze a situation or experience before actually having it/doing it. That's not always easy if we don't have a perspective. For example - you know you're not depressed (crying, etc) but you know something isn't right. It could be something unrelated to work or it could be a longer, more drawn out issue. I feel like I'm in the same boat. My job is okay, I like what I do, have good co-workers, and I make 11k more now than I was two years ago, but I feel lost and unmotivated at work and its affecting my work and my work-life balance.

 

I am hoping it’s just settling in to my new place and surroundings. I moved closer to my family (just a relatively cheap, hour flight away) when I started this position, but I left behind my boyfriend and the support network that I had cultivated for five years. They are all a phone call and a five-hour flight away. I have some college friends in the area, in fact my current roommate is a good friend from college, but she has been kind of distant and we haven’t done too much together since I’ve moved in, primarily because I have been traveling a lot since I moved a few months ago. While my new lab is great, we don’t do much outside of lab which has been hard for me because my last lab, even though there was always some sort of tension, did a lot of fun things together outside of lab and we were really close as friends, if not always as colleagues (I know that doesn’t sound like it makes any sense, it’s hard to explain the bond we had). I know I can change this by inviting people over, asking my roommate to do stuff, etc, but I have been gone for at least 1.5 weeks a month since I got here in August, and when I haven’t been gone I’ve been hosting people here . That coupled with the fact that I am trying to publish a few final papers from my dissertation, I haven’t gotten any new work done in 3 months, and the semester is over in December.

It sounds like you're very busy and very successful. I started life as a HS teacher, and much like Research/Academia (or business as I've found out)there's a black hole -- there's always "more to do" and no one is really there to stop you from burning yourself out. Also, losing that support network isn't easy. Sure, you can always build a new one, but having moved 7 times in the 12 years since college (most of the time just around my city but I've also lived on the West Coast and in another city her eon the east coast, I want a stable place for a while. But it's also a matter of perspective and how our choices impact our dreams. What I mean is you could be in a funk because subconscoiusly your want your life to be like x,y,z - where you live or what your relationship/frequency with friends & family are, but your choices in work and live could be misaligned with those.

 

I also feel like an impostor sometimes. The other fellows in my program are all 4-5 years older than me and while I really enjoy talking to them and they are extremely nice, I do feel some impostor syndrome sink in because they just seem to know so much more than me, and while the fellowship is interdisciplinary, most of the other fellows “talk the same language” so to speak, so sometimes I just feel lost. My previous institution didn’t have any sort of core learning goals in my field, so there are some gaps in my knowledge base. The good news is that I recognize these gaps, and I generally know what I need to study in order to fix it, but the bad news is I am having a hard time finding the motivation to fix this.

That's another general fallacy we've developed in our society - the "expert". Of course you're not as experienced or "smart" as people 5 years older than you. You shouldn't expect yourself to be. Ask yourself - do people value your input on what YOUR ARE supposed to be the "expert" on? If so, you have nothing to fear and nothing to lose by expanding yourself for your own development. I literally just had two great encounters yesterday/today - I asked my VP (who I've been in 1 meeting with about a year ago) to sponsor the professional development group I help run and without even giving her details she said yes!. Then today i had my first meeting with an executive at my company (big international fortune 500) and it went well with my boss' boss and another vp saying how well I did. So why do I still feel unmotivated?

 

After a PhD with an advisor who wasn’t physically or mentally there, a PhD that I had to do everything for and then rushed to finish, I feel a bit burnt out. I took a vacation before leaving but the summer was hectic with moving and trying to finish a project that I already knew was dead (but my deadbeat advisor thought we could resuscitate). Well, that's where you have to learn how to play politics or find ways to keep that crap from happening - mostly by putting the ball in their court and playing "dumb" - asking for step by step instruction so either they tire out or they realize it isn't worth their time - and it keeps you from investing emotionally/mentally into something you know isn't worth it but can't help but feel attached to cause the "boss wants it". And "vacations" do not involve packing or planning a move.

 

I’ve allowed these feelings to get the best of me too. Earlier this year, I decided that I wasn’t going to go on the job market until next year because I want to get more publications, plus I have a lot of funding to stay here for some time. My new advisor is great and I want to have as much time as I can to learn from him and work with him. But a job opened up in the city I used to live in that in retrospect is near-perfect; if I got the job my boyfriend wouldn’t have to quit jobs/move here (something we talked about but haven’t planned) and while I would be far away from family again, I would be in a place where I know I’m happy. True. But happiness and relationships are based on choices, communication, and expectations. I've learned through two bad relationships that while attractoin, chemistry, etc are important - shared values, shared vision, and communication/aligned expectations are what take a "BF/GF" and turn them into a "partner".

 

But stupidly, I didn’t apply for the job because I “knew” my application wouldn’t be strong. I should’ve applied anyway because you never know, but I didn’t so now I can only pray that they don’t fill it this year and I can apply for it next year. I also allowed something one of my arrogant colleagues said get to me. He is currently applying for fellowships and talks constantly about how he has so many publications but he is worried he isn’t going to get a fellowship, and how he can’t understand how people apply for fellowships without publications. Well, surprise, I got my fellowship with no publications (I had three papers in review at the time of the application)! But I still feel a bit ashamed of my publication record and while I know quality is more important than quantity (some of his publications are in “bad” journals) I need a few more before I can be competitive for academic jobs.

Since leaving HS teaching I've worked in corporate training, which normally falls under HR so i've learned a lot about recruitment practices. Never talk yourself out of applying. Literally, you don't know what the person/company is looking for and you can't judge what their needs are based on a piece of paper or an online posting. I've literally seen the same generic crap for my position and regardless of industry, sector, business, etc they could all be the same but what the company wants/needs it totally different given the make up of the team, how their processes work, etc. Reports suggest that women tend to read a job post and if they don't feel at least 90% qualified they won't apply where as for me it's much lower. Never worry about applying for a job you're not a perfect fit for on paper. If they talk to you in anyway shape or form it's good. At least you practice your interviewing skills, get another insight on how a company/organization works, and more.

 

But lately I’ve been questioning if I even want to stay in academia. But if I left, I don’t know how else to put my degree to good use; my other interests are very divergent from what I have a degree in, and they’re sort of sink or swim jobs. like academia. And not to sound smug but with academia, I am treading water without exerting much effort, due to all of my past accomplishments.Are you feeling you are not using your fullest potential? I know besides a lot of other factors, two of my best traits - classroom facilitation, and planning aren't really used in my current role. Volunteer for something totally unrelated or something that everyone hates to do - give tours, write the organization blog, etc.

 

So many people believe in me but I am having a hard time believing in myself. My boyfriend has been supportive, giving me positive affirmations when I feel down, but I haven’t really talked about this with anyone else. I’ve talked about issues with my PhD before with my family and they were supportive, but lately so much else is going on that I don’t want to worry them, and I haven’t been talking to them as much as I usually do. I once mentioned to a cousin (she’s a single mom with two kids) how I feel and she said, incredulously, “you have a job lined up at [institution name], and you’re not happy?!?” But keep in mind - life is a matter of perspective.....Yes, a lot of people might say that, but there are also people who would expect a job there and the fact you feel this way is a good indicator you're not over or under your head

 

I don’t know what to do. I am going to try sticking it out here, but I feel like I am in over my head. I definitely haven't reached the lowest of all lows but I am worried that I will if I do not actively try to change something I will. On the bright side, I love exploring my new city and I have started taking some active steps to get fit. But I have next to no desire to work. I don't think I need therapy at this point, and honestly when I tried it before I thought it was horrible. Any advice on anything to do besides wait and see if it gets better with time? Therapy is like going to a restaurant. You have to find the one you like and works with you. A good therapist should point you to someone who clicks with you more personality wise. And you seem to understand it's about changing you and your behaviors. I think a lot of people tend to compare themselves to some unnatural ideal. Technology makes it easy for us to forget that the world hasn't changed that much....a company is only headed by 1 person....there's only 1 president....1 pope....1 Oprah......Perhaps....and I don't want to cast my own issues or perceptions on you - so take with a grain of salt....have you just taken the time to nourish yourself? Do you stop and think about what YOU want, where YOU want to go and WHERE you want to be?

 

Don't cast doubt on your own feelings. You know there is something wrong or unbalanced right now - so keep at it. Your perspective, attitude, happiness, health, etc all come from small choices, so keep choosing wisely, stay open, and learn to ride the wave. I think for many people with strong Academic skills we can lack the skills to stay healthy in the world in which we live today.