Should i wait?

[Sahmmommy]

I'm wanting to ask my husband for a divorce but I'm afraid he may become very depressed and suicidal. It's also almost his birthday, and the holidays. Should I wait? A little background...we've been married for 8 years together almost 10. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. I got pregnant at 19 and we married soon after. I knew he'd had a hard life but I didn't know the ramifications of this life he had lived. I feel like he may be bipolar among other mental illnesses. He gets angry very easily although he's never laid a finger on me or my children. But the way he talks to me and the way he picks fights and has to criticize every move I make has torn my soul apart. my kids have seen me cry more times than I'd like to admit. He's getting help now but I've begged him for years to get help. Now that he's pretty sure he's losing me he gets help. He was off his meds for 2 weeks and his Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde traits returned with a vengeance. He keeps saying he's done. Eff this. And all because everything doesn't run as smoothly as butter in our lives. So now I've had my fill of this unhappiness and I'm ready to move on. I don't want to hurt him but I've got to think of myself for the first time in almost 10 years. How do I go about telling him and should I wait till after the holidays? Or not drag it out? I'm 28 yrs old and he's 31. Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

[Downtown]

I feel like he may be bipolar among other mental illnesses. He gets angry very easily.... he picks fights and has to criticize every move I make.

Sahm, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Your H may be bipolar as you suspect. However, much of what you describe -- e.g., his hard childhood, his temper tantrums, and his sudden flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are much closer to the symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than bipolar. This distinction is important because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it.

 

Moreover, even if he does suffer from bipolar, that does not rule out his also having strong BPD traits. A recent study found that 35% of male bipolar-1 sufferers (and 25% of male bipolar-2 sufferers) also suffer from full-blown BPD.

 

Although you've already decided to leave him, it appears he may continue to have a presence in your children's lives. And, if he is their biological father, there is some risk of a mental disorder being passed on to one of the kids. I therefore suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the children have been dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my post describing 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If those BPD traits sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If any of those descriptions rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. And there are many other active members here at LS who have had many years of experience with BPD or BP sufferers which they can share with you.