Husband kissed someone else

[ShoeGirl]

On Halloween night a group of 4 of us got ready at our house, had dinner and wine, then walked to a nearby friends party. We all proceeded to drink way too much because we were walking and because we could. We all returned to our house around 2am, with the plans of everyone staying the night so no one drove intoxicated.

 

Last night my husband of 2.5 years told me that he and the other girl kissed prior to him coming to bed. That's all that happened. I believe him, because we saw her the next day at another event and there things that were said that make me think she didn't undress until she was home the next day.

 

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years, I feel lost. We talked for hours last night and he swears that nothing like this has ever happened before, which again I believe because I have always been able to access his phone, email, facebook, etc, and swears up and down that it will never happen again, that he knows he made the worst mistake possible. He says he knows he had to regain my trust, and he'll do whatever it takes, he's asked if there's anything I want him to do and I don't know how to answer.

 

I don't know what I am looking for by writing this, mostly venting I suppose.

[katielee]

he's asked if there's anything I want him to do and I don't know how to answer.

 

I don't know what I am looking for by writing this, mostly venting I suppose.

 

I'm so sorry you're here....

did the OW have a SO as well? That SO should be informed of what happened.

Also, you could ask for a polygraph and see how he reacts... By the time someone gets up to kissing another person, there has been lots of interaction, romantic thoughts, time together. Are you sure this was just a fluke type thing?

[minimariah]

i'm sorry, sweetie.

 

did he tell you WHY did he do it...? how did it happen? what was he thinking?

 

"it just happened and i don't know how" - does NOT cut it.

 

dug, dug and dug some more until he gives you the exact reason for that kiss. people don't go around and kiss others just because... he was clearly attracted to the girl and did something about it, crossed the line. WHY?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I guess it's "good" your hubby confessed so soon afterward and that he's aware that he needs to regain your trust but what about this OW? Is she someone you hang out with often? Will you confront her about this? What does she have to say about things?

 

Personally, I think I'd have an "easier" time if my hubby kissed a complete stranger than a friend who slept in my home.

 

Be careful.

[ShoeGirl]

I'm so sorry you're here....

did the OW have a SO as well? That SO should be informed of what happened.

Also, you could ask for a polygraph and see how he reacts... By the time someone gets up to kissing another person, there has been lots of interaction, romantic thoughts, time together. Are you sure this was just a fluke type thing?

Thanks. She is single. I highly doubt there was anything going on before that night, she is the sister of a friend and just moved here, she has only been here a month and we have only met her once before at a friends house in passing. Probably insignificant but they did grow up in the same town, my husband went to school with her brother. They aren't facebook friends and I looked in his contacts and she's not listed.

 

i'm sorry, sweetie.

 

did he tell you WHY did he do it...? how did it happen? what was he thinking?

 

"it just happened and i don't know how" - does NOT cut it.

 

dug, dug and dug some more until he gives you the exact reason for that kiss. people don't go around and kiss others just because... he was clearly attracted to the girl and did something about it, crossed the line. WHY?

He said it felt like a high school crush. As I mentioned above, they grew up in the same town. My husband and her brother are the same age, she is a year younger.

 

I guess it's "good" your hubby confessed so soon afterward and that he's aware that he needs to regain your trust but what about this OW? Is she someone you hang out with often? Will you confront her about this? What does she have to say about things?

 

Personally, I think I'd have an "easier" time if my hubby kissed a complete stranger than a friend who slept in my home.

 

Be careful.

I agree that it's good he told me so soon and that he is aware he needs to work to regain my trust.

 

We rarely see her, this was the 2nd time since she moved here a month ago.

 

I've talked to her, she says she doesn't remember it happening.

[TexasMan68]

He should definitely refrain from drinking if he can't control himself with other women.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry this happened. I agree with the other posters who say its good that he immediately confessed.

 

In my life I've known 2 'friends' (women) who loose all control when drunk. One managed to sleep with ALL the men I knew (except 1) within a couple of months. The other was constantly having affairs & jumping on men! She was young, attractive. One night, in a crowded pub, full of people she WORKED with she ended-up on the lap of a 65 year old guy people laughed about! She allowed him to remove her skirt & knickers!! You can guess what was happening!!

 

Just be very careful around women who drink too much & don't remember things. After a lot of drinks it takes a LOT for many men to turn down a forceful woman. I'm not saying that's what's happening here. Just be careful.

[ShoeGirl]

He should definitely refrain from drinking if he can't control himself with other women.

I agree. That was part of the conversation last night.

[ShoeGirl]

Just be very careful around women who drink too much & don't remember things. After a lot of drinks it takes a LOT for many men to turn down a forceful woman. I'm not saying that's what's happening here. Just be careful.

 

I'm having a hard time believing that she doesn't remember it happening, but I suppose it's possible. I know we were all drunk, but everyone that was at our house remembers other details of the night leading up to everyone going to bed, including her. We were all piecing together the night the following morning, obviously this was not mentioned the next morning. I can't control what she is willing to share or not, but I did tell my husband that I am not comfortable with her staying at our house or with him being at a party with her and drinking. He agreed.

[ladydesigner]

I'm having a hard time believing that she doesn't remember it happening, but I suppose it's possible. I know we were all drunk, but everyone that was at our house remembers other details of the night leading up to everyone going to bed, including her. We were all piecing together the night the following morning, obviously this was not mentioned the next morning. I can't control what she is willing to share or not, but I did tell my husband that I am not comfortable with her staying at our house or with him being at a party with her and drinking. He agreed.

 

It's good you stated this. I would go as far as to cut this friend out of my life. Kissing doesn't JUST happen and I hate that people like to blame it on the alcohol.

[Joie]

First you have to decide if this is something you can move past. If it is I would ask him to have NO contact with the woman. It does not sound like she is a major part of your lives so he should have no problem avoiding her. I would also ask if he needs outside help with his drinking if it is leading to him acting inappropriately. I agree that it is a "good" thing he confessed. If you need help talking to him I really recommend marriage counseling. It gave me a safe place to address my hurt and concerns.

 

Good Luck.

[Ms. Faust]

I'm having a hard time believing that she doesn't remember it happening, but I suppose it's possible. I know we were all drunk, but everyone that was at our house remembers other details of the night leading up to everyone going to bed, including her. We were all piecing together the night the following morning, obviously this was not mentioned the next morning. I can't control what she is willing to share or not, but I did tell my husband that I am not comfortable with her staying at our house or with him being at a party with her and drinking. He agreed.

 

If a wife approached me about whether or not I kissed her husband while drunk, I would probably go the "I don't remember" route, either.

 

She's lying, imo.

[Lion Heart]

So the feelings have been there for a long while. The "high school crush" bs. It's your H (WH I'll call him) that harboured some type of feelings for the OW. It was HIM that should've been guarding your M. As I've said before potential APs are a dime a dozen. But this one seems different. Not quite a random thing. I'd be forewarned.

 

If your WH didn't tell you the next morning AND you saw her that day, did he tell you the night after? Or when?

 

My ex-WH came home one night (it was a Thursday night) and told me he'd "kissed a girl". Wow. I had no idea all that activity could be narrowed down to be called a SINGLE KISS. Alot more than a kiss happened. Cheaters love minimising EVERYTHING. It was the previous Sunday and Monday nights. It wasn't guilt that made him confess, it was fear of me being told by someone else. I left him on the confession of a kiss. 2y of MC and nope nothing changed. He's still a serial cheater 22y later all through his next M. Sometimes a person "knows".

 

As per your WH, sure it could've been one kiss. But really? You believe that's ALL? So who stopped it there? I wouldn't give him any clues to possible answers in anything (leaving the very uncomfortable pregnant pause is invaluable) if you haven't asked that yet (and I assume you have) and I would DEFINITELY be asking who stopped it and how and why?

 

Also just FYI WHY did OW move back home? I am asking this because OWs can be serial OWs (as my present WHs are). The OW of my previous M was 18yo and had not just slept with almost the whole football team, she'd nearly done the whole club! NOT a person to associate with AT ALL imho.

 

Whatever lifestyle she practices and now knowing your WH fancy for her, OW is not a friend to the M and it should be NC in all facets from now on. If your WH cannot maintain NC to work on your M, then imo you have your answer right there.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's more about working out whether your WH is actually capable of renewing his commitment to your M. This OW is nearby. It could be very tempting for him to pursue her.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Lion Heart

[d0nnivain]

I'd be heartbroken & my trust would be shattered. However, because it didn't go farther than kissing & he told you I would like to think I'd be willing to work on my marriage under certain conditions including:

 

 

1. No more sleep overs with this woman & very limited interactions with her at all. I can tell you now she'd get frost bite from me by being in the same zip code

 

 

2. continued access to social media / e-mail etc.

 

 

3. less drinking

 

 

4. marriage counseling

 

 

5. lots of apologies -- I'd make him pay, extra chores, flowers, maybe jewelry.

 

 

6. it never happened again with her or another woman (this was his one "free pass"

 

 

7. Some expressed understanding from him about how/ why it happened beyond we were drunk.

[merrmeade]

So the feelings have been there for a long while. The "high school crush" bs. It's your H (WH I'll call him) that harboured some type of feelings for the OW.

...

It wasn't guilt that made him confess, it was fear of me being told by someone else.

 

Also just FYI WHY did OW move back home?

 

Whatever lifestyle she practices and

 

...now knowing your WH fancy for her,

 

OW is not a friend to the M and it should be NC in all facets from now on.

 

This OW is nearby. It could be very tempting for him to pursue her.

These ^^^^ issues/points stand out for me and need expansion.

 

Plus there are more things I think you should know:

How did they get to the kiss? Even drunk, there was some kind of build-up. Were they talking for a while? About what? Old times? Did he tell HER about the hs crush? And wwhat did you notice?

 

Have you talked separately with anyone else that stayed over, someone you trust to be on your side? You need input from witnesses. I think Lion Heart is right: He confessed to preempt someone else's report of the kiss. But I'd think there would be a lot more to report about their interactions up to that point.

 

What is the full history of their past? What did he do about the hs crush? WHy didn't he do more? What did he feel and think then and now? btw, his off-handed explanation of the hs crush is a huge sign right there. Calling it a "crush" is him minimizing: Oh, pfft, just the silly emotions of an immature teenager, etc.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'd be more curious to know why he confessed.

 

I have the feeling someone saw them or he feared someone saw them so he confessed to you.

 

And as someone else mentioned, a kiss doesn't just happen. It's not like he was walking toward the kitchen to refill the ice in his glass and kissed her as he passed her. There's a little more to this story...

[SoleMate]

... a kiss doesn't just happen....

Right, there's probably some 1:1 talking, sitting together, dancing close, deep eye gazes, snuggling or something like that. IME.

[turnera]

Honestly, a kiss DOES just happen sometimes when drinking is involved. I don't see this as that big a deal.

 

That said, it would do you a lot of good to affair proof your marriage. Start by reading His Needs Her Needs, together. Read it and then do the questionnaires that come with it, learn more about each other, improve communication, make your marriage so great that no other woman (or man for you) would compare to being with you.

[katielee]

tunera - that implies some of the blame is with the OP - it's not.

[MightyPen]

Uh, kisses DO "just happen" especially when people drink "way too much."

 

If anyone can honestly say, "I have drank way too much numerous times and I NEVER did something reckless/stupid," then please let us know. And even if you're able to say that, understand that you're likely part of a (very small) minority.

 

That doesn't mean the OP's husband gets off the hook! It was obviously wrong to do what he did. But alcohol messes with our brains so I believe that should be at least considered when attempting to determine if this was a one-time thing. We've been given no evidence to indicate otherwise. Just conjecture.

[turnera]

tunera - that implies some of the blame is with the OP - it's not.

No, I said that moving forward, she can educate herself on ways to make her marriage even better than it is. I personally think the kiss had nothing to do with the state of her marriage.

[Almond_Joy]

I've done a lot of stupid things drunk, but sexual/intimate overtures to someone I don't know has NEVER been one of them. And I've been living with sexual frustration/lack of intimacy for years.

 

"Cheating/flirting/doing something inappropriate because - alcohol!" IS a cop out, it doesn't compute. There's ALWAYS something more going on.

 

The person is not sexually/emotionally satisfied in the moment or has been frustrated for a while.

The person is earnestly attracted to the person they're being inappropriate with.

The person is trying to get attention.

 

 

THAT's the motivator that's got to come to the surface. I hope, OP, that you push your husband to do some digging and really look at himself. It's very encouraging that he apologized and wants to work on regaining your trust. Whatever motive spurred this impulsive act needs to be identified and addressed though, to ensure it never happens again.

 

 

Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

I've done a lot of stupid things drunk, but sexual/intimate overtures to someone I don't know has NEVER been one of them. And I've been living with sexual frustration/lack of intimacy for years.

 

"Cheating/flirting/doing something inappropriate because - alcohol!" IS a cop out, it doesn't compute. There's ALWAYS something more going on.

 

The person is not sexually/emotionally satisfied in the moment or has been frustrated for a while.

The person is earnestly attracted to the person they're being inappropriate with.

The person is trying to get attention.

 

 

THAT's the motivator that's got to come to the surface. I hope, OP, that you push your husband to do some digging and really look at himself. It's very encouraging that he apologized and wants to work on regaining your trust. Whatever motive spurred this impulsive act needs to be identified and addressed though, to ensure it never happens again.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for stating this. I too feel alcohol is a cop out. Not sure why others don't see this as an issue.

[stillafool]

What does this woman mean she doesn't remember kissing him? What, was she kissing so many men that night that she doesn't remember if he was one of them or not? She's full of it.

 

Did you ask you husband how they came to kiss? What did he say?

[Lois_Griffin]

Uh, kisses DO "just happen" especially when people drink "way too much."

You missed my point.

 

I said he didn't just kiss her while he passed her on his way to the kitchen. As another poster said, it probably came about because they had their heads together reminiscing about the past. The OP said they have some kind of romantic history, so the kiss didn't JUST happen on the fly.

 

Something LED up to it is what I meant.