dexter Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Ok here's the story I wasnt happy in my relationship, started feeling confined, trapped, etc... I thought I was being controlled and didnt have enough freedom anymore. So, I went out one night, met another woman, and went to her house. We didnt sleep together, but we did 'fool around'. The next day I broke it off with my gf because I knew I couldnt stay in our relationship after that. A few days later, I ended up calling this other woman and sleeping with her. Its been about 2 weeks since this happened, and I'm having some real regrets. The other night I went out with my ex for a friendly evening, we have still talked on the phone occasionally, and decided to go for dinner together. Anyways, the whole night went well, just normal chit-chat, like we were fine. But then in the car we started making out and confessing some feelings we still had. It really felt great to touch her again, since we had both restrained from any physical contact the entire night. She ended up pulling back before anything progressed further, and we went our seperate ways again, a few tears were shed. She said she didnt want to be the girl that is there just for sex. So now I dont know what to do. I know I still love her, and I'm feeling like my decision to break things off with her was just to justify sleeping with another woman, and now I want her back. However, I dont think I could possibly get back together with her without telling her what happened with this other woman. I dont know if my ex would want me back after I told her, so I dont know if I can tell her. To further explain, my ex was the one I lost my virginity with, and we were together for awhile. So I guess I just felt like I hadnt seen what else was out there, so maybe my feelings werent 'real', since she was my first... I wasnt sure if it was love or not. After kissing her last night, im sure. We both want things back how they were, but I just dont know if it can happen. I'm sure we could get back together if I wanted to, but I'd have to tell her what I did, wouldnt I? And after that, well she might not want me back, I dont know... And that would be incredibly painful to have decided on my feelings for her and then be rejected for good. I dont know what to do. I know I've been an a**h***, but I love this girl and I want her back. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 The wrong way to begin your reconcilliation would be to lie to her. You have to tell her about your rebound. There's no doubt about it. It will hurt her and may ruin your chances to get back together, but it's better to know that you can't overcome it in the beginning then years down the road if she "finds out." The truth shall set you free... maybe that's an inappropriate quote. Link to post Share on other sites
saffie Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 I disagree with outdated. I vote go, RUN, back to her if you're sure it's love. Why tell her about the other woman?? It's just going to hurt her. If you feel guilty, that's YOUR problem - not HERS. Why hurt her? She is innocent in this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Fetish 2 Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Tell her the truth...if she finds out later down the track..which theres a big chance she might, then she will never forgive you. You can't start a relationship with this girl again without honesty... and if she can't forgive you..cause it will hurt a mighty lot...you really don't deserve to be with her. You made the decision to sleep with this other girl, now you have to be prepared to take the consequences of it. Be a man an face up to this. You're being selfish if you keep this from her just so u can have her back Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Without total honesty there is not intimacy, and no real relationship. You need to own up to your "indiscretions", be as contrite as humanly possible and face the music, whatever that might be. You owe that to her. Link to post Share on other sites
saffie Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Why do you all imagine that she will somehow "find out" about the other woman in the future? Does the OP live in a small town with a lot of security cameras or something? Question for the OP: is anyone else aware that you slept with the other woman? How is your gf going to find out unless you tell her? Yes, the OP has to take the consequences of his indiscretion - HIS GF DOESN'T. The OP is the one who should suffer and he is right now. Why in the world should the gf suffer?? Tell her because "You owe that to her"?? Owe her what?? The pain she will feel when you tell her?? She doesn't deserve that. You did a very, very stupid thing. YOU should suffer for it, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 If you cheated, there must have been something wrong with your relationship to begin with. I'd say take a step back and a hard look at what you had going on with your gf and if there was something missing that led you to cheat. Sometimes people just miss having that person and feel lonely without their SO around, and that's why they go back. Link to post Share on other sites
alainajones Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 I was in a bit similar situation to yours. I was in your gf's shoe. My bf told me that he slept with someone shortly after he broke up with me. When he came back to me, he told me about that because he wanted to be honest with me. He didn't cheat on me because he broke up with me before he slept with this other woman, and while I appreciated his honesty and courage to tell me that, I was very hurt. That was 8 months ago. We are still together and doing great. BUT, it was hard for me for a very long time and I did wish he never told me. If he hadn't told me, I would have never known. He might have felt better by telling me what happened, but I didn't at all. So, I do see saffie's point very well. BUT, what everybody else is saying is also true, about how you should be completely honest with her regardless of how she might react. Of course, you make the decision to whether or not to tell her. But if you do, and she decides to take you back, please be understanding and know that it might take her a while to feel completely okay about the news and the relationship with you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
cansympathise Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Tell her. Apologise. Be upfront, honest and candid. It's the only option. I've been on the receiving side of this exact same problem. My boy came clean about it. I cried and was angry as all hell, and hurt, and for a long time I wished he hadn't told me. Now I'm glad he did. It tooks guts, and that's what I love about him. Besides, it made us look at what damaged the relationship in the first place - the breakup was both of our faults anyways. Look at it this way: you made a stupid mistake and you've been an idiot, but that's a long way from being a cad or a liar. You were honest when you broke things off with your girlfriend, and you did so before you had sex with someone else, so there was no cheating, no deception, no lies. Keep it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by dexter I'd have to tell her what I did, wouldnt I? And after that, well she might not want me back, I dont know... And that would be incredibly painful to have decided on my feelings for her and then be rejected for good. I dont know what to do. I know I've been an a**h***, but I love this girl and I want her back. What changed to make you decide that you want to get back into this relationship? You said that you had been feeling trapped and unhappy within it. Once the "getting back together" honeymoon period is over, aren't you likely to start feeling that way all over again? You haven't really said much about this other woman, other than that you fooled around with her before you split up with your ex then slept with her after the break up. Where does she fit in now? Do you want back with your ex because the reality of sex with another woman didn't live up to the fantasy? Your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend might well assume that you're telling her about the cheating incident purely so that she'll walk out of your life for good. If you are going to tell her about this you need to be really clear about your reasons for doing so. Nobody can predict how she'll act. She might scream at you, or she might just cry. She might act like she's cool about the whole thing - only to blow up about it 2 weeks or 2 months down the line. If you can't cope with the fall-out from something like this lasting for more than a day or two, then you probably shouldn't get back with her. Without some discussion of why you ditched her to sleep with this girl, and what has changed to prevent such a thing happening again, the chances are that the relationship will all go wrong again very quickly. The dilemma you really seem to be presenting here is "what if she doesn't want me back once I've told her?" This suggests that you're concerned mainly by the prospect of her rejecting you - and all the pain that could entail for you. I'd be more concerned by the possibility that having dumped this girl once, you'll go back to her only to decide all over again that she's not the one for you...thereby leaving her with double the hurt you caused the first time you split up with her. Perhaps you need to sit down and think not only about what you want and need, but about what your girlfriend wants and needs. That way, you're more likely to come to a good decision about all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 look in my point of view u should tell her if ur willing to get bak with her and starting all over again..if u r u have to b honest cuz thats wut us gurls like from a guy...u gotta tell her the truth even though it might hurt her...yes i know y should she suffer when ur the one who ****ed up?...well shes not going to suffer ur not going to do nething to her BUT tell her the truth..u cant lie to her..wut if she finds out by some one else..i mean who knows...in this world nething can happen... so tell her the truth..dont b afraid..ask 4 her 4giveness if she doesnt then..im sorry..im going to ut myself in her situation rii now.... omg i would cry so bad..and i woukd b so hurt i wouldnt want to c u or talk to u for a while....but if i really loved u i would get over it (well not fully) and leev it in the past and start a ew relationship...i would 4give u because i would like to b with u ... she will know how much u care for her and how much u love her since u will come bak to her.. she will c that u thought it would b different and better with someone else...just for sex..but remember.. different is not always better.....she might c that u r trying to tell her..u didnt need more bcuz u had everything u wanted from her...well u gotta let her know that... good luck aii.... o umm u say she was the one u lost ur virginity to... how old are u? Link to post Share on other sites
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 look in my point of view u should tell her if ur willing to get bak with her and starting all over again..if u r u have to b honest cuz thats wut us gurls like from a guy...u gotta tell her the truth even though it might hurt her...yes i know y should she suffer when ur the one who ****ed up?...well shes not going to suffer ur not going to do nething to her BUT tell her the truth..u cant lie to her..wut if she finds out by some one else..i mean who knows...in this world nething can happen... so tell her the truth..dont b afraid..ask 4 her 4giveness if she doesnt then..im sorry..im going to put myself in her situation rii now.... omg i would cry so bad..and i woukd b so hurt i wouldnt want to c u or talk to u for a while....but if i really loved u i would get over it (well not fully) and leev it in the past and start a ew relationship...i would 4give u because i would like to b with u ... she will know how much u care for her and how much u love her since u will come bak to her.. she will c that u thought it would b different and better with someone else...just for sex..but remember.. different is not always better.....she might c that u r trying to tell her..u didnt need more bcuz u had everything u wanted from her...well u gotta let her know that... good luck aii.... o umm u say she was the one u lost ur virginity to... how old are u? Link to post Share on other sites
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 oops sorry i sent that twice.. Link to post Share on other sites
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