Parents and our relationship ? Which to choose ?

[Tkervin]

I really need help here.

 

Quick introduction about my rs with my ldr gf. Im Indonesian Chinese and my gf is a Korean. We met when she was in sg and we clicked and at last we get tgr. But in our early rs, she went to korea. Till now it has been almost a year. We made plans to meet in HK on May and i went to Korea to find her recently.

 

Now here is ther problem.

We always have a problem with her mum. She doesnt accept a foreigner bf and her mum wants her to stay near with her mum. Even after getting married. Recently she talked abt it with her mum and it makes a hell lot of problems between us. We quarreled alot because of this. It has been almost a month, she is still thinking without a decision. She told me she previously have the confidence but not now. She is worried if she comes to indonesia, she wont have any family or friends with her here. I told her i will be with her as much as i can. Even though i know its not enough to convince her. I am too frustrated because she doesnt decide and i feel desperate for answer too. Sometimes I lost control and got angry with her. Then we quarreled. Within these two weeks, she slowly seems like replying me real slow. Maybe whole day only send a morning msg then gone till in the evening 5pm. (she normally reply constantly as in like we do reply back and forth quite frequently) She doesnt seems like interested in talking to me anymore. FYI: she is having university. She have classes, but its just 1 or 2hours in the afternoon.

 

Everytime we talk, she dont really wants to talk to me anymore. She reply in short sentences and with the cold attitude. And everytime i want to skype with her, she makes excuses. I was frustrated once and ask her why she is acting like that... She told me she doesnt have the mood and stressed up with our problems, she doesnt know what her future be like and what we gonna be like. She is a very indecisive person, where she cant decide even simple things properly. She told me she still care for me, but she doesnt know how to choose. She doesnt want to lose any either one of me or her mum. She is very stressed. And also she is having alot of exams recently.

 

Can anyone advice I should do with this situation ?? Should I give her time to think and wait patiently wait ? What if she takes 2-3months ? Can anyone advice please ? I tried persuade her to think abt our rs. And also i dont mean ignore her mum. Of course I dont want her to lose her mum too. But she told me that her mum told her that if she marry with me, her mum wont acknowledge her as her daughter. what should i do ? Let her go or try ? Cus its really stress and hurting for her. I really want her badly and i think she is the girl that i want to spend my life with.

[Tkervin]

Anyone can help ?

[emi]

How old are u both?

[Tkervin]

We are both 24 years old...

She is finishing her university & I'm currently working under my parent's company.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Find someone local, unless you plan to move to Korea. Don't expect her to move close to you.

[Tkervin]

Find someone local, unless you plan to move to Korea. Don't expect her to move close to you.

I don't mean not to take ur advice, but we really love each other & she also did mentioned she wants to come to Indonesia. Maybe she is just nervous and having cold feet because she doesnt know anything about Indonesia.

 

I know its naive to think this way. But there should be a solution to this right ?

[Tkervin]

How old are u both?

We are both 24 years old.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I don't mean not to take ur advice, but we really love each other & she also did mentioned she wants to come to Indonesia. Maybe she is just nervous and having cold feet because she doesnt know anything about Indonesia.

 

I know its naive to think this way. But there should be a solution to this right ?

 

 

Yes, move to Korea. Then most likely she'll come up with another excuse why a real relationship in person won't work. People who love each other want to be with each other now, not later. I highly doubt she'll ever disobey her parents.

[basil67]

I agree that the solution is for you to move to Korea. If you really care for her, you wouldn't be putting her in a position of having to leave her family and friends for you.

[Tkervin]

Hmmm guys really thanks for the advice. But I am really thinking if there is other ways... I will consider this as one of my option. If really there is nothing else, I will try to go Korea.

 

Finger crossed I will find a decent job in Korea.

[Els]

It's just a bad situation all around. Most of the traditional Korean families I know are very insistent on their children marrying fellow Koreans, and it sounds like her mum is no different.

 

You aren't going to achieve anything by moving to Korea at this stage. She'll likely have to keep you a secret from her parents, and that is even if she stays with you. From the sound of things, as soon as she graduates college her parents are going to start introducing Korean guys to her and trying to get her matched up with one of them. If she is the kind of person to bow to everything her parents say, she will likely cave to pressure to be with a Korean guy instead, and then you'll be in Korea with no family, friends, OR partner.

 

Besides, how are you even going to migrate to Korea as a fresh grad from Indonesia? It's not as easy as you might think.

 

I strongly suggest that if she shows no indication of desiring to slowly stand her ground against her parents of her own accord, you give this up and pursue your own career and life. I can't see this going well at all for you.

[Tkervin]

It's just a bad situation all around. Most of the traditional Korean families I know are very insistent on their children marrying fellow Koreans, and it sounds like her mum is no different.

 

You aren't going to achieve anything by moving to Korea at this stage. She'll likely have to keep you a secret from her parents, and that is even if she stays with you. From the sound of things, as soon as she graduates college her parents are going to start introducing Korean guys to her and trying to get her matched up with one of them. If she is the kind of person to bow to everything her parents say, she will likely cave to pressure to be with a Korean guy instead, and then you'll be in Korea with no family, friends, OR partner.

 

Besides, how are you even going to migrate to Korea as a fresh grad from Indonesia? It's not as easy as you might think.

 

I strongly suggest that if she shows no indication of desiring to slowly stand her ground against her parents of her own accord, you give this up and pursue your own career and life. I can't see this going well at all for you.

 

 

Yeap I have been thinking like u do before I have posted this.

This is really difficult. We both still love each other alot, that is why we are so stressed up about this. She is still thinking right now, I am not sure what her answer be, but just hoping everything will be the way I wanted. But certainly if she comes to stay with me in Indonesia. I am capable of taking care of her 100%, in terms of almost everything. I will make sure she will stay well here and stay healthy.

 

FYI: I work for 2 years now in my parent's company & graduated in Melbourne Australia. But it doesnt make any difference if I were to go Korea to find a Job. It is still not easy. I just hope she will think and decide properly.

 

Btw... We quarrelled most of the times are mostly because I was desperate for answers. I just want to know if she should take her time to think or should she make the decision asap ??

[Els]

 

Btw... We quarrelled most of the times are mostly because I was desperate for answers. I just want to know if she should take her time to think or should she make the decision asap ??

 

Well, I don't think it's your place to pressure her to leave her country behind to move to be with you. Yes, someone has to do that eventually in a LDR, but ideally they would offer/decide that of their own accord. One person pressuring the other person to do it is just going to lead to resentment down the road IMO.

 

That being said, if you do choose to move to Korea to be with her, you should ask her in no uncertain terms what she intends to do with her family situation. Don't go if she's wishy washy about it or if she's not against letting her parents arrange a marriage for her. And don't go just for her - go only if you feel this would be a good change of scenery and good experience for you. Traveling is always beneficial IMO especially at your age. But it has to be something that you also want, not something that you are doing out of desperation.

[Tkervin]

Well, I don't think it's your place to pressure her to leave her country behind to move to be with you. Yes, someone has to do that eventually in a LDR, but ideally they would offer/decide that of their own accord. One person pressuring the other person to do it is just going to lead to resentment down the road IMO.

 

That being said, if you do choose to move to Korea to be with her, you should ask her in no uncertain terms what she intends to do with her family situation. Don't go if she's wishy washy about it or if she's not against letting her parents arrange a marriage for her. And don't go just for her - go only if you feel this would be a good change of scenery and good experience for you. Traveling is always beneficial IMO especially at your age. But it has to be something that you also want, not something that you are doing out of desperation.

 

Yeap, totally understand that I am not in that position. It's her life and only she has the right to do that. She decides on what she want to do. I am not sure if I did pressure her, most probably I did that is why she has been treating me this way.

 

She has been cold in replies. Avoiding skype and stuffs. I just want to sit down and talk to her properly in terms of skype or anything, just to solve everything. But she just doesnt want it. Even if we did, she would just kept quiet all the way.

 

I'm confused right now what to do. I can't talk to her properly and I feel that we start to drift apart.

[Els]

Yeap, totally understand that I am not in that position. It's her life and only she has the right to do that. She decides on what she want to do. I am not sure if I did pressure her, most probably I did that is why she has been treating me this way.

 

She has been cold in replies. Avoiding skype and stuffs. I just want to sit down and talk to her properly in terms of skype or anything, just to solve everything. But she just doesnt want it. Even if we did, she would just kept quiet all the way.

 

I'm confused right now what to do. I can't talk to her properly and I feel that we start to drift apart.

 

If she's not willing to communicate at all to try and work through the issues with you, then I don't see what there is left for you to do.

 

I suggest that you tell her you are seriously reconsidering the R and see what her response is. If she still keeps quiet and is still unwilling to talk to you, it's best that you leave. A difficult R is only worth fighting for if BOTH parties are willing to fight for it. The dealbreaker here is really not her parents, but her unwillingness to do so.

[Tkervin]

If she's not willing to communicate at all to try and work through the issues with you, then I don't see what there is left for you to do.

 

I suggest that you tell her you are seriously reconsidering the R and see what her response is. If she still keeps quiet and is still unwilling to talk to you, it's best that you leave. A difficult R is only worth fighting for if BOTH parties are willing to fight for it. The dealbreaker here is really not her parents, but her unwillingness to do so.

 

Yeap I told that to her before. I told her how serious I am about the R. She did kept quiet at first. But after awhile she told me that she cant express herself well in English. She tried to express in message.

 

She states that "She is worried about her future and also her mom. (She did not mention about the R). She is worried she will not adapt the environment in Indonesia, moreover, she has no family members and friends here. She worried that we would quarrel and I would leave her alone. (I can't predict the future but I have experience quarreling with her while I was in Singapore with her. We quarrelled but I still took care of her. Even if she wants to have a time alone, I would follow her from behind to make sure she is okay, I am not boasting about myself but this is the real me. I really care for her, and I know I would regret if anything happens to her. I know I can't say I won't change in the future, because everyone cannot predict what is going to happen in the future. But if she comes to Indonesia by herself, I will be responsible for everything that concerns her and I am always ready to do that)

 

Other than that she is also worried about her mum, she said her mum kept telling her how much she wants to communicate with her son-in-law and all those stuffs. She is also worried that her mum would be lonely. I don't blame her to think so much, because it is really natural to think like that. IMO she should have an idea of what she wants. Every decisions there should be a sacrifice isnt it ?

 

Till now I am still confused what should I do... Should I give up or persuade her ? Because I really love her, I can't give her up. It's too difficult for me.

[Els]

I don't think you should be trying to persuade her to leave her country AT ALL. You have already mentioned it to her and already let her know that you will support her if she chooses to move, so now the ball is in her court. Do NOT bring it up again, it's not your place to keep asking her to move for your sake and if I were her I would get frustrated too.

 

If you really want to try and work things out with her, I think at this stage the two most important things you need to talk about are 1) communication - she needs to be able to talk out her problems with you and not 'go quiet' as you mentioned, and 2) what sort of future SHE sees for both of you and what she feels she and you should do about it.

[Tkervin]

I don't think you should be trying to persuade her to leave her country AT ALL. You have already mentioned it to her and already let her know that you will support her if she chooses to move, so now the ball is in her court. Do NOT bring it up again, it's not your place to keep asking her to move for your sake and if I were her I would get frustrated too.

 

If you really want to try and work things out with her, I think at this stage the two most important things you need to talk about are 1) communication - she needs to be able to talk out her problems with you and not 'go quiet' as you mentioned, and 2) what sort of future SHE sees for both of you and what she feels she and you should do about it.

 

Alright got it. Thank you for the advice. It is really helpful. You really makes me think it through really properly. I was stressed about all the things, as there are so many problems to solve all at once (Not only my R).

 

I really appreciate ur time and excellent advice rather than u just comment on my situation. Thank you so so so much for that.

[yansycordon]

Hi Tkervi! I understand your frustration, you want to create a future with her, but she isn't sure about this future together and I want you to think and feel with your heart how this relationship will be if you get married? She isn't going to change because she will be with you and what can I feel is that you may have a lot of more problems and probably end up divorce.

 

Look, my husband and I are from different counties when I meet him and we both fall in love and wanted to get marry my Dad didn't approve my decision and I wasn't older enough(I was 20) to get marry without his permission. One of the reason why he didn't want me to marry my husband was that we decide to live in his country and my Dad wanted to keep me close, but here is what I want you to pay attention. As daughter I understood this, but I knew that he decided to do his life with my mom and I needed to start mine with my future husband.

 

when he propose, I was sure of leaving everything behind, not for him, if not for the love we both feel for each other. I didn't let my Dad fears or needs to interferer in my happiness, so after a long years planning a wedding without his permission he finally understood and I got married and I moved to a new country where I didn't know anyone, but I was happy, in Love with my husband. That was almost 15 years ago and I never regret of my decision because I was sure of my feelings and my husband feeling and I didn't let anyone to decide for me, We still happily married and in Love like the first time when we met.

if you girlfriend is insecure and she is avoiding you, please find a way to end your agony as soon as posible, you don't deserve this. Ask her for an appointment to talk seriously about your future and ask her what is it more important to her? the more you wait the more you'll suffer.

 

Don't make her choose between you and her mom, that is an issue she has to fix with her mom if she really wants to be with you. I told my dad that I love him, but that my love for my husband was different and that if he loved me he should be happy seeing his daughter being happy with the love of her life Love.

 

talk to her and see if you both really have a future together or not, sometimes things happens for a reason and if she isn't the one you will marry this is only a test that life is sending to you to see if you are ready to really meet the one.

 

A brake up hurts for a while, but a bad marriage could hurts your entire life. please open your heart and discover the message in this relationship you have now and don't ruin your life marrying her if she isn't sure about her feeling and the life you'll have together. If her family, career and friends are more important now, they will still be the more important than you later.

 

Be brave and pray to god to guide you with your heart.