He shows that he loves me in so many ways, but says he's not sure

[pavlina]

I've been in a serious realtionship with a guy for almost 2 years. We're both in our mid-30's, and both have been in longer relationships before.

 

Already since the beginning, we've had quite a lot of problems, but have somehow worked our way through them. The reasons for the problems have NOT been anything like cheating, lies, bad moral, trust-issues, violence or similar that can be impossible to fix, but more because we are two strong-headed persons, who know what we wants, and are in many ways quite different.

 

Now we're about to move in together.

 

In all this time by boyfriend has never said "I love you" to me. He shows love strongly and in numerous ways, but have never said it. I know - not all people feel the verbal way of expressing love is for them. Okay enough. But since we're now about to take the big step of moving in together, I feel I was forced to ask. Because I don't intend to do such a serious step and live my life with someone who doesn't love me. So I asked, and he answered "I don't know." He actually didn't know, said this was something he had to think about. Well, for me, there and then, this was answer enough - No.

 

I mean (at least in my world), if you love someone, you just KNOW. Either you feel it, or you don't. It's nothing to ponder about. (But is it so clear for everyone, especially men..?)

 

So. Now things are really bad. I'm not going to live my life on a lie. And if there is no love, there is nothing of anything else either.

 

 

But here comes Part 2. Okay, so he's said what he's said, honest words.

But what I'e experienced in these close to 2 years is the very opposite. I've experienced so much love from him in so many ways. Sometimes I've felt I've been bathing in love. This is a guy who've had really big problems about talking about everything emotional and for him it's a huge effort. Nevertheless he have done all he could in our difficult moments. Done all he could to search his soul and talk, so we could talk through the situation and hopefully solve the problem.

He's a man who's not a family person, you put his alone time, hobbies, very high. He's not afraid of living his life alone - he really enjoy to be his own master an being alone - and much more afraid of ending up with just someone. His hobbies and interests is not only hobbies and interests for him, it's extremely important for him, gives him and his life a lot of meaning.

 

I'll mention a few things here, that for me is very little compatible with him not loving me:

 

- in all this time, in our heavy relationship moments, he've fought hard through it, to stay with me. He've had many very easy possibilities to leave, if he wanted to, but never even mentioned it or partly taken those chances. Instead he've rather fought harder for me and our relationship.

- he says (and have said since almost the beginning) that he feels good when he think about sharing his future with me. He says he haven't felt this with any former girlfriends.

- he do compromises on many things all the time, like travels (we both love to travel, but to very different destinations. For him the destination itself is very important, and will much rather travelling alone, than have to compromise his travels. Though for me, he've compromised. Not because I've forced him, but because he wants to travel with me.), spare time activities (as wathing a movie together instead of a very important hobby).

- he talks about the future, like the house, the garden etc, like hand-on things. How we (WE!) can make the house, which pets to have etc etc. This he talks about more often than me, often it's him who starts these conversations.

- he dislike christmas and family gatherings, but because christmas is very important for me, he said he wanted to come and celebrate it with my family. I know he didn't like christmas, so I said he were fully free to choose if he wanted to come and celebrate or not. It was completely up to him. (Because of circumstances, it's not an option to celebrate away from my family this christmas). He said he wanted to.

- and then a big one: he's not from the country we live in (my country), but anyway loves to live where he lives now (lived there for about 10 years). For me it has never been an option to not settle down in my hometown. I've been totally open and honest to him about this, since the very beginning. The thing is, I'm from a totally different part of the country. Where he lives now, he loves the landscape alot, and also that place offers job opportunities related to his education. For my home place, there's very few directly relevant job opportunities for his education, and he's not very excited about the area itself (he now live on the coast, with sea and mountains, of which he loves. My area is on the contrary flat farmers land). Nevertheless, he want to move to my home place, so we can be together and start a real future together. (This may seem egoistic of me, but as I've said, I've been totally open about all the time that for me it would not be an option to not settle down in my home place, so this he knew all along. It should also be said, he've never said the same the other way - that for him it wouldn't be an option to move away from the coast.) I've told him he's fully free to decide this himself, I don't want to have anything to say in this decision. So, since he've decided he will move, he's quitting a stable, education relevant job, moving away from a area he really likes, plus some other minor things, to my place. For us.

- he's always been very affectionate, with hugs, kissing and closeness (though we've got sex issues, since he don't want to often - I think it may be because of all the problems, but I don't know. He don't know either, he says. This is btw quite sad and a loss for me, and is also part of our problems.)

 

 

So this is it. What have I missed here? Because my gut feeling tells me he loves me deeply, but his words is his words. I should also mention that feelings and everything about it confuses him a lot. Though I can't use this as an excuse for myself.

I can interpret actions as much as I want, but what are my interpretations worth in a case like this? Or is what I've actually experienced and feel I've recieved from him that matters? What IS love? Does he love me? Is he just confused? Should I look at actions or liten to his words?

 

All replys are very welcome, and I will be very thankful, because this is really, really difficult.

[lucy_in_disguise]

He probably does love you, but doesnt have the emotional maturity to understand that. Unfortunately, not much you can do about that. I think you would be settling in a very major way by proceeding to build a future with someone with such huge emotional hangups. Maybe therapy would help him, but its something he needs to be interested in working on.

[pavlina]

I can add that he MAY be mild Aspergers syndrome. It fits with a lot of things about him, and after I mentioned it (it had never crossed his mind, even though quite many of the problems he have had in life, can fit very well with this), he read about it, and is now quite sure he has it, too.

 

Could this in that case mess up his understanding of the concept 'love'?

I mean, what he shows is love in my interpretation, but he don't get the concept as non-Aspergers do, and therefor are saying what he's saying?

 

Or is this just an excuse for myself?

[clam]

I would honestly think twice about moving in together. He will be giving up a stable job and a part of the country he loves living in to make this big move. And he's not even certain he loves you!

 

If things don't work out well with his job search or he hates living in your town (no beach, no mountains), he will blame you for this major upheaval in his life even though it was his decision to come.

 

On top of everything else, you two are not sexually compatible.

 

I would definitely rethink this.

[Lois_Griffin]

I can add that he MAY be mild Aspergers syndrome. It fits with a lot of things about him, and after I mentioned it (it had never crossed his mind, even though quite many of the problems he have had in life, can fit very well with this), he read about it, and is now quite sure he has it, too.

 

Could this in that case mess up his understanding of the concept 'love'?

I mean, what he shows is love in my interpretation, but he don't get the concept as non-Aspergers do, and therefor are saying what he's saying?

 

Or is this just an excuse for myself?

Yet another person diagnosing someone else's mental health based on WebMD. Sheesh.

 

Have him medically evaluated by a specialist QUALIFIED to do so.

 

You're spending an awful lot of time trying to justify his inability to tell you he loves you - by self diagnosing him mentally and listing every single thing he's ever done to make you feel loved.

 

So he's going to leave everything he loves and knows to move to you where his job prospects are dismal and the surroundings are not where he wants to be. And due to all his emotional baggage - which he'll be bringing WITH him packed into a 20' trailer behind him - that just adds yet another layer of difficulty on top of an already not so good situation.

 

Ugh.

 

I wouldn't do this if you paid me.

 

This has 'failure' written ALL over it.

[Babs22]

I married a man who never said, "I love you" and I am very sorry that I did. I kept making excuses for why this was ok, but in the end it was not ok. I have been married 21 years, actually today is our anniversary. I have discussed recently the fact that I thought he never loved me. He said, at first maybe not, but he grew to love me. Huh?! I believe he has just grown used to me. He was comfortable with having me around because I was so damn easy to be with. I never pushed him to talk about his feelings, never asked for what it is I needed from a relationship. Long story short, it was a mistake. Our youngest son is a senior and I think we are both just waiting for him to graduate before we get a divorce. I so wish I married someone who could express what they felt or someone who actually loved me. Think twice, three times, four times before moving in with him.

[basil67]

I can add that he MAY be mild Aspergers syndrome. It fits with a lot of things about him, and after I mentioned it (it had never crossed his mind, even though quite many of the problems he have had in life, can fit very well with this), he read about it, and is now quite sure he has it, too.

 

Could this in that case mess up his understanding of the concept 'love'?

I mean, what he shows is love in my interpretation, but he don't get the concept as non-Aspergers do, and therefor are saying what he's saying?

 

Or is this just an excuse for myself?

 

Wow. Can I add to this that a very dear aspie friend of mine doesn't understand love? She's married and extremely devoted to her husband and children but she says that she doesn't quite understand the whole concept of love.

[pavlina]

Wow. Can I add to this that a very dear aspie friend of mine doesn't understand love? She's married and extremely devoted to her husband and children but she says that she doesn't quite understand the whole concept of love.

 

Very interesting that you write this. May I ask if they have any particular problems in their relationship?

 

My boyfriend is without doubt quite special, but still he functions quite normally in society and in general. But for me who's come very close to him, experience him on a different level of course. With him, I think you have to come close, otherwise you won't be able to experience this difficulties.

 

But what I sort of don't understand, is why the concept of love is more difficult to understand that other abstract consepts. When I ask my boyfriend what is it he actually feel, he says he care a lot about me, fore example. Like A LOT. For my normal brain, it's difficult to understand why he's not able to links this to love. Many times I feel we're talking about and are feeling more or less the same things, we just use two different languages, which again creates misunderstandings, sadness and problems.

 

He've all the way said 'he doesn't trust words'. Why saying this, I've been thinking. Can it be because of lifelong experience in being misunderstood and misunderstand others?

 

He've also been in about 6-7 earlier relationships, quite short all of them (from a few months up to a year), except a longer one for about 5 years. But he says he never really loved any of them. Even in the 5 year long one. This makes me anxious - to be able to be with someone for 5 years, and not loving the person. It was just a luke-warm, easy, little demanding relationship, which were more like 'whatever'. I've also asked how he felt for her compared to me (since he obviously have big problems about explaining this in words at least I am used to), and he said how he felt for me and her was very, very different. She was just some easy someone and their shared many interests etc, while me and him are very different in many ways and this is a much more real and demanding relationships, and even though, compared to that relationship, out relationship is very complicated and challenging, he refuses to give up and leave me. We have so much great and beautiful together, but also so many problems and challenges. And if all comes from just basically use of two different languages, so to say, it would be so sad to loose this relationship.

[basil67]

Yes, their relationship has problems - neither are strictly NT. (He has significant mental health issues). But they also are far more forgiving of each other than many would be. I think it comes from an understanding of different ways their brains work.

 

If I had never had this conversation with her, I would have said that she loves him dearly. From the way she talks with him to the way she looks at him. She would throw herself infront a bus for her husband and children. (I haven't actually asked about her feelings of mother love).

 

While she does not use the term love, her feelings for her husband are anything but lukewarm. They've been together for nearly 20 years and are full of passion for each other. They separated for a while recently during a bad phase of his but couldn't bear to be apart.

 

Not trusting words makes sense to me. Words can be false. They can be misunderstood so easily. And one persons meaning of a word van be so different to another's.

 

Have you googled any aspie blogs about feelings of love? I find them most helpful (my son is autistic and they give me such insight into his mind)

[pavlina]

Also want to say that yesterday we talked about seeing a couple therapist. Well, I mentioned it, that maybe it could be an alternative. For me it also feels a bit distant, so I just mentioned it as a possible alternative. And his immediate reaction was "if you want to, I'll come", and was immediate open for this. Almost more open for it than me at that point.

 

Is this also a sign of not loving someone?

 

Also remember that this is a guy who thinks it's challenging to talk about feelings.

[qubist]

Also want to say that yesterday we talked about seeing a couple therapist. Well, I mentioned it, that maybe it could be an alternative. For me it also feels a bit distant, so I just mentioned it as a possible alternative. And his immediate reaction was "if you want to, I'll come", and was immediate open for this. Almost more open for it than me at that point.

 

Is this also a sign of not loving someone?

 

Also remember that this is a guy who thinks it's challenging to talk about feelings.

I was going to suggest that you see a couple therapist, here is a question for you. do you really love him? do you see a future with him?

if the answer to theses question is not an absolute YES, then you should just move on now.

But if you really love him and see a future with him you will have to work on your relationship, it seems to me that he is willing to put the effort. get professional help ASAP.

I don't know him so this is just me guessing. I think he really loves you he just doesn't understand it in a away that most of us do. I would at least give him the benefit of the doubt and seek couple counseling

[pavlina]

I was going to suggest that you see a couple therapist, here is a question for you. do you really love him? do you see a future with him?

if the answer to theses question is not an absolute YES, then you should just move on now.

But if you really love him and see a future with him you will have to work on your relationship, it seems to me that he is willing to put the effort. get professional help ASAP.

I don't know him so this is just me guessing. I think he really loves you he just doesn't understand it in a away that most of us do. I would at least give him the benefit of the doubt and seek couple counseling

 

My answers to both questions is definitly YES. I would never ever gone through all this if not. If I didn't love him, I would have walked out a long time ago, not looked back, not regret it.

[qubist]

My answers to both questions is definitly YES. I would never ever gone through all this if not. If I didn't love him, I would have walked out a long time ago, not looked back, not regret it.

be patent and help him then. do not hide anything let him know about your feelings but at the same time let him know that you are willing to work on things in your relationship.

good luck

[basil67]

Also want to say that yesterday we talked about seeing a couple therapist. Well, I mentioned it, that maybe it could be an alternative. For me it also feels a bit distant, so I just mentioned it as a possible alternative. And his immediate reaction was "if you want to, I'll come", and was immediate open for this. Almost more open for it than me at that point.

 

Is this also a sign of not loving someone?

 

Also remember that this is a guy who thinks it's challenging to talk about feelings.

 

Don't forget that 'love' is an abstract concept. If he doesn't generally do well with abstract stuff, then this is probably him simply not being able to process the word.

 

Not being able to process the word is very different to not having very deep and strong feelings towards you. Be careful not to throw this away if the only problem is that he cannot process a word which describes a feeling.

[pavlina]

Don't forget that 'love' is an abstract concept. If he doesn't generally do well with abstract stuff, then this is probably him simply not being able to process the word.

 

Not being able to process the word is very different to not having very deep and strong feelings towards you. Be careful not to throw this away if the only problem is that he cannot process a word which describes a feeling.

 

Thank you for very wise words.

 

I sort of know this inside, but "in the world we live in" it's so easy to forget truth sometimes, and be blinded by other things. Like how the modern woman and man express love sometimes in so shallow ways, but they don't even know what it really means. As by seeing the verbal version of love as the most valid at times. One proof is exactly this; moving in with someone who not only haven't expressed his love verbally, but are not sure about what he feels either. Which in many, maybe "normal" or "average" relationships, means exactly that, and will make any person hearing this, run far away from any moving in-business, or in general continue to be serious with someone like that.

 

But I'm also shaped in a modern society, and it's difficult to oversteer this shaping. Because a sudden realization over "love" or "I love you", I don't think will come. Maybe at one point, but not now, suddenly. Which means I need to decide if I move in with someone who's only crime is that he haven't filled societys expectations, but filled the term love in practice more than I think most people in a relationship is experiencing.

[MJJean]

I've been in great LTR's with men I cared for A LOT, but that I was not "in love" with. I cared for them, I loved them as good people, but I wasn't "in love". The friendship and closeness was there,plenty of emotional intimacy, we got along well day to day, the sex was off the charts, but I just didn't love them the way a woman should when she is considering marriage or even living together.

 

Of course, I did loving things. That's what people do when they care for one another. It doesn't necessarily mean "in love".

 

It's entirely possible your BF does love you. As a person who he is close to, not as a man needs to love the woman he is spending his life with. It's a terrible mistake to think that one kind of love equals another or that one kind of love will lead to another.

[bathtub-row]

I think you're stepping into a hornet's nest. You've already said that the two of you have had numerous problems and that you're very opposite. While opposites attract and can get along, you need a common ground. It doesn't sound like that common ground exists.

 

Despite whatever emotional issues he has, do you really want those qualities in a spouse? Do you really want to have children with him, and to raise them around him? Based on what you're saying, you'll probably be raising your kids alone while he plays absent dad. If you're ok with that, then fine. But you will need to lower your expectations of him. You're going to need to get accustomed to not hearing someone telling you that they love you. Honestly, I'm surprised that you've been in a relationship with someone for this long and this topic is just now coming up.

[getsmartie]

I was in a similar situation as you OP. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. I told him I loved him about 5 months in. He didn't tell me he loved me for 13 months. He like your bf is an action guy. That doesn't make this situation less frustrating.

 

I was willing to wait because I knew in my gut that he did love but wasn't ready to express. I'm glad I waited. You have to decide whether you can trust your instincts.

 

My ex was quite verbally expressive but his actions didn't match his words so I'd take an action guy anytime.

 

Also, you have to ask about his childhood. Whether he's own family was expressive. My bf's mom has never told him that she loves him and he's in his 50's. She obviously does based on her actions. When you hear their story, things make sense.