Shocked

[Alf60]

I just have to get things off my chest.

 

My wife dropped a bombshell last weekend, telling me that she has been having an affair with a Facebook contact for 8 weeks.

 

She has strayed a few times during our marriage, the last time being 10 years ago. We separated and she then asked if we could try again. She promised to tell me if she was ever unhappy again so that we could try to fix things before they got too bad.

 

I thought that everything was fine, apart from the usual marriage tiffs. We spent great times together, trips and weekends away and she always seemed happy. I loved arranging little surprises for her, flowers and small gifts, message her most days to see how she is and how her day is. I never even had any feelings that she was unhappy until very recently.

 

Since I went away on business for two weeks she has been quite distant. For 2-3 weeks before I went away she was very sexually aroused all the time and we had a great time, to say the least. Previously we were one of the 2-3 times a month couples - I have always been up for it but she never had the same drive, so I respected her feelings and never pushed myself on her.

 

When I returned she was different and I seemed to irritate her. I am now aware that during my business trip was the time when they first had sex - but I still can't explain her unusual increased sexual desires for me in the few weeks before I left.

 

The guy is her old schoolmate, who she has been chatting to for some time. His marriage had broken down and she was cheering him up. I had no objection to this even though the extent of conversations did concern me at times - but I had promised to trust her when we last got back together and forget the past, so I just put it out of my mind.

 

Strange how I made a comment some time ago about the number of comments he always made on her posts and we both jokingly called him her stalker. She told me that he was far too ugly to interest her and that he was also "a bit dim"

 

Recently his posts stopped and I joked that her stalker had dumped her - it turns out that they managed to set Facebook so that I could not see his comments and he was no longer on her friends list. She says that he did this because I had upset him by asking him to explain a rather derogatory comment he made to her one day - I only did this because she told me that he had upset her.

 

I have been a bit suspicious of her recently when she suddenly wanted to spend her days off visiting friends instead of with me and did not answer my texts when she was out. (She often gets upset if I do not promptly answer her texts) Unfortunately this was reminiscent of previous times. She has since told me that last time she ignored my text she was actually having sex with him in a hotel.

 

She tells me that she wants to stay living in our house until after our son's exams are over, so as not to upset his chances. In the meantime she wants to be free to meet her boyfriend and do as she wishes, nights away etc. She tells me that I should find someone else - this seems easy for her, but I am still so much in love with her and have not even taken more than a glance at another woman in years.

 

I asked her if she would agree to marriage counselling but was abruptly told no.

 

She has moved into another room as she wants to be faithful to her new man, who apparently accepts that she wants to stay with me for the next 9 months because of our son.

 

She has told me that sex is not the main thing in their relationship - and I did note a little disappointment in her voice and face when she said this.

 

I have no friends to confide in as I was one of those people who was devoted to my wife and regarded her as my best friend.

 

She does not want me to tell any family or friends as our son may then find out. So I have no-one and she has her boyfriend to talk to about everything.

 

I tried talking to my doctor who suggested Relate. I had a chat session with them which was pretty standard responses and no real help. They want me to book a face to face session costing £60 which I cannot afford.

 

I have an assessment with my doctor next week to see if I am depressed - cant sleep, eat, constant emotional breakdown and feel like just ending it all (my wife thinks that this is stupid and selfish) so I believe that I am heading for depression every time I see that black cloud approaching me.

 

I have tried talking to her about my feelings but fear that this is just all being discussed with her new younger model probably much to his amusement.

 

Fast going downhill, work is suffering and I just do not know what to do next. This is the first time I have had the chance to blurt everything out to complete strangers, apart from "professionals" who just tell me that I am a textbook case - or talking my only friend who has unfortunately cheated on me and broken my little heart.

 

If I was looking from the outside in, I would advise myself to throw her out and start again ........... unfortunately I would rather end it all rather than end my marriage. I just want to turn the clock back and I wake each morning wishing that it was all a bad dream and wish that I could see her lying next to me.

 

Please do not tell me that I am stupid, as maybe I am. Just heartbroken - she has so much to look forward to and I am now just a broken old man with no prospects.

[PegNosePete]

She tells me that she wants to stay living in our house until after our son's exams are over, so as not to upset his chances. In the meantime she wants to be free to meet her boyfriend and do as she wishes, nights away etc.

So she wants to have her cake and eat it.

 

I would tell her fine, but he is not welcome in your home.

 

She does not want me to tell any family or friends as our son may then find out. So I have no-one and she has her boyfriend to talk to about everything.

Of course she doesn't. But why are you agreeing with this? In fact you should do the opposite. Tell as many people as you can. Talk about it to your friends, family, the neighbours and the postman.

 

I tried talking to my doctor who suggested Relate.

Waste of time if she is not 100% committed to saving the marriage. And in fact she is 0% committed to that. So it's a total waste of time and money.

 

Please do not tell me that I am stupid

No, you are not stupid. You are hurt and confused. But the best thing to do right now is to let her have the life she desires. She has made it very clear that she does not want to be married to you any more, and wants to be with the new man instead, so give her that with both barrels. Cut her off financially. Close any joint accounts and cancel any credit cards she has in your name. Don't give her any money and tell her she is now responsible for half the mortgage and bills. Do not allow the new man into your home. Divorce her.

 

If she wants the new man then let her know that you will NOT be walked over in the process. She can't have it both ways.

 

SHOCK AND AWE

[Alf60]

The bottom line is that if I blow it all out in the open and my son fails his exams next year, I will have to live with the fact that I did not cover it up for his sake and wrecked his career.

 

I know that it was not me that cheated, but am in the unfortunate position that it could be me that hurts my sons chances.

 

I am not bothered about her in all this - just my son and his future. Of course he may hate both of us for lying to him, instead of just his mother for wrecking our family life.

 

She has effectively got me by the balls. The only positive thing is that during this time her new man may get fed up with the long distance relationship - having to travel so far for his weekly oats etc .... that he may find someone closer. I have told her that she sees the best of him and he in her as they only have dates and sex. They do not see each other in the morning, in bad moods, stressed by work etc and have not even had an argument yet (god help him when they do)

[CarrieT]

She tells me that she wants to stay living in our house until after our son's exams are over, so as not to upset his chances. In the meantime she wants to be free to meet her boyfriend and do as she wishes, nights away etc.

NO. Absolutely not.

 

She does not get a free ride to pursue her fling. If she is that concerned about her son, she stays home and plays "the good wife" until exams are over or you both come clean with your son. Why should you be the one to suffer to appease her libido?

 

I asked her if she would agree to marriage counselling but was abruptly told no.

 

She has moved into another room as she wants to be faithful to her new man, who apparently accepts that she wants to stay with me for the next 9 months because of our son.

NINE MONTHS? She wants you to put up with the façade for nine months? Don't do it.

 

Look, your son will survive. Many and most people survive the dissolution of a marriage. You need support and need to expose her for what she has done to you and your family.

 

I think you should expose her to her family and all your friends. There are probably people in your life who will have your back, but you need to find them.

 

Google, research, and implement "the 180" - it will make you feel more empowered.

[RSEJ]

I want you to remember you this.... YOU HAVE A SON. You do not have the right to blurt it out to everyone and frankly in my opinion you do not have the right to "end it all". This woman is the mother of your child. Like someone else said let her have her cake but do not accept him into your house.

 

 

Become better, become alpha. train physically, mentally, make yourself better for the next person in your life. It may not be next month, 6 months or years till you meet that perfect someone but the time will come.

 

 

I am 23 I havent the experience to give you any real advice as I lack the experience my self. I would hate to be in a position like this and Im so sorry for you. All I would say is don't let this define you, rise above it and move on.

[Miss Peach]

I know it sucks but until you both want to work on the marriage there is nothing that can be fixed. I suggest limited contact do you can sort your own world out without being hurt and rehurt as this goes on. I am a divorcee too so I understand how hard it is to have one partner hurting the other and not wanting to do anything about it.

 

I do agree to put your son first though. If you are both willing to share the space for a short period of time there is no reason to distract your son at this point. Let him focus on his school work.

 

I also agree your wife probably has GIGS right now.

[turnera]

The bottom line is that if I blow it all out in the open and my son fails his exams next year, I will have to live with the fact that I did not cover it up for his sake and wrecked his career.

 

I know that it was not me that cheated, but am in the unfortunate position that it could be me that hurts my sons chances.

That's bullshyte. That entire situation depends on how you handle it. I assume he's in college or high school? Then he's old enough to understand WHAT happened. And old enough to see you handling the situation with grace and integrity.

 

And the ONLY way you're going to save your marriage is by exposing it. Cheaters keep cheating when it's easy; they question it when it causes consequences.

 

Exposure gives her consequences and she has to then make a choice.

 

So you either expose and maybe KEEP your son's family together, or you sit back and let her dictate the terms of her affair as you watch her divorce you in 9 months.

 

SHOW your son how to stand up for yourself. Once he finds out you sat back and let her screw her OM for the next nine months, one of two things will happen. He'll either decide that that's what he has to do, too, when it happens to him. And he WILL assume he'll be cheated on, as that's what his dad has taught him. Or he'll be MAD at you for sitting back and being a wimp, because he's young and virile and HE doesn't want to be a wimp but that's what you're saying to him.

[turnera]

I want you to remember you this.... YOU HAVE A SON. You do not have the right to blurt it out to everyone and frankly in my opinion you do not have the right to "end it all".

You would be wrong on BOTH accounts. As soon as she broke her wedding vows (and don't forget this isn't the FIRST time she's cheated), it became his RIGHT to expose. AND to divorce a cheater.

[aliveagain]

Please read up on the 180 and begin to implement it immediately. Talk to a lawyer, cut her off from your finances and do not finance her affair. Everything she takes from you she will use to build her new nest with other man. Expose the affair, exposure is a consequence of infidelity and if she doesn't like it she can move out and let him take care of her cheating a$$. Personally I think your son will be more upset you kept the information from him while having to endure being under the same roof as her while she was actively dating. Tell the other man's soon to be ex, your wife may be why they split up, this may not be his first rodeo.

 

Do not act weak, weakness is not an attractive trait. If she wants to be with him, help her pack and get the paperwork started. You can't make somebody love you and you can't nice them back. Do what is best for you because she has already made her choice. Tell everyone that matters if she is unwilling to choose the marriage. She's not good enough for you.

[LostOnes05]

Dude, you are not stupid. She played with your emotions and used sex to gain your trust. Don't let her stay in the house, she lost those privileges when she cheated. Let her stay with the guy she is sleeping with, get a lawyer and make sure she gets nothing. I'd tell friends and family all about it. That's something you shouldn't hold in. It WILL consume you if you do. If you have to, take a few days off and change the locks if she won't leave. She is staying there to be a thorn in your side. And please don't end your life because of someone who was unfaithful to you. You are much more than that...much better than that. She lacks integrity and will no doubt want to come back when things go south with this guy. Whatever you do, don't let her use your son as a means of coming back, if she tries to. I agree with PegNosePete, give her to him on a silver platter and cut all ties...ALL OF THEM.

[Miss Peach]

I didn't realize SHE suggested living together for your son; not you. Please disregard my advice about considering it.

 

I also recommend seeking a consultation with an attorney (many offer them for free) to see what is in your best interest. Often times support and alimony are based on separation date so it may not be in YOUR best interest to continue this.

[katielee]

What was missing in your marriage?

 

a faithful wife. Seriously, the marriage isn't the problem. The "offending" spouse is.

[qubist]

use this experience to improve yourself. do not waste any effort on her. you are at your weakest state and very venerable, your 100% energy should be spent on you. go to therapy, build your confidence, go to the gym and take a good care for yourself. go 180 on her since she isn't showing any sign of wanting you, then just ignore her. limit your contact to the extreme minimum.

[Clay]

File for divorce and file for full custody. Its not impossible to get custody of your son. I won twice custody of my kids.

 

Cut her off financially and see a lawyer.

 

The sooner you get the ball rolling the better off you are.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

C

[Mr. Lucky]

I do agree to put your son first though. If you are both willing to share the space for a short period of time there is no reason to distract your son at this point. Let him focus on his school work.

 

If it were 9 days, I'd agree. But 9 months is untenable. And over that course of time with all this drama, your son will quickly figure things out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Marriages don't have to be "bad" or for their to be problems for someone to cheat. People cheat because they are selfish, entitled and self absorbed. They may have a perfectly fine marriage and spouse.

 

It may be her choice to cheat and carry on with another man, but there is absolutely no reason for you to support it or to support her or cover for her.

There is no reason to have a cheating ho in your own home.

 

- toss her out and let her screw this dude on her own time and her own dime.

 

- be open and honest with everyone why she's out of your house. If you keep her dirty little secret, that makes you and enabler and coconspirator. If she wants to bang some other dude, she can bare the costs and live with the fallout.

 

- see a lawyer and immediately begin divorce preparations and paperwork.

 

- don't use your son as your excuse for not doing the right thing. Don't shelter him from her bad behavior. He needs to learn to handle his own business even if his parents are having issues. You are pinning your ineptness and weakness on him and that is not fair to him. He will be more upset when he finds out you were living with this abuse and using him as your excuse to tolerate it than he will be if you kick her out for such despicable behavior. Kids never want to be responsible for their parents living in misery and maltreatment. Don't make this his burden by using him as your excuse to be a pu$$y.

 

You need to do the right thing even if it will have hardships and challenges.

[merrmeade]

I just have to get things off my chest.

 

unfortunately I would rather end it all rather than end my marriage.

 

I just want to turn the clock back

wishing that it was all a bad dream

wish that I could see her lying next to me.

 

I am now just a broken old man with no prospects.

Try not to wish for the impossible. Try following the advice you've been given about improving yourself focused on the 180. Start by telling yourself it's the only way to get her back. Fact is that it is the only way but - if you do it right - by the time you're healthier, stronger, more confident, you will realize you're worth much more than you thought and didn't deserve her treatment. Focus on you. Get the support you need to do that. Read and implement the 180. It gives the foundation for all other decisions.

[dichotomy]

I agree with much of the advice.

 

However, without legal court orders I am not sure how you can force (toss) someone out of a home they have legal residence/ownership in. But you sure as heck can start the legal process and divorce and make her life difficult and unpleasant to stay.

 

You sound isolated and without a network. You need activities or things to do now. Look for social or sports clubs or groups, Volunteer activities, what ever around town. If you can not afford therapy maybe there is a mens support group near by - phone a few therapists and explain your short on cash and are seeking help. Try to get in shape, work out, improve your appearance, maybe read some books on dating and sex, get prepared to get out there again and find a gal - in 6-12 months (not now). You need a way to break your love/dependence/attachment to your wife.

[anika99]

I want you to remember you this.... YOU HAVE A SON. You do not have the right to blurt it out to everyone and frankly in my opinion you do not have the right to "end it all". This woman is the mother of your child

 

This is the kind of bullsh*t your wife will try to lay on you as your kicking her cheating azz out the door, so give her a choice. If she stops all contact with her affair partner immediately and she can prove to you that she has does so (doubtful she will pick this option) then she can stay the 9 months that she is requesting and you will tell no one of the affair. If she picks the affair then the fallout for that is ALL on her and she can be the one who feels guilty because she's the one who is choosing her scummy OM over the well being of her son.

 

What your selfish wife is asking of you right now is very abusive of her and you do not tolerate abuse for any reason. You will be deeply hurt when she leaves but you will get better, letting her stay under her terms will destroy you.

[turnera]

And let me be clear. I've been on forums like this for 15 years. And of the thousands of cases just like yours that I've seen, the ONLY cases in which the wife stopped cheating and returned to the marriage happened when the man SWIFTLY, FIRMLY, and CONFIDENTLY moved straight for divorce.

 

She has to be SCARED of losing you, to be willing to 'fall out of love' with her OM. Please believe me. NOTHING else works with cheating women.

 

Tell her today that you will NOT agree to her terms, you will NOT share her with anyone, and you WILL be seeing your lawyer this week.

 

Please trust me. It's the only chance you have of saving the marriage.

[qubist]

And let me be clear. I've been on forums like this for 15 years. And of the thousands of cases just like yours that I've seen, the ONLY cases in which the wife stopped cheating and returned to the marriage happened when the man SWIFTLY, FIRMLY, and CONFIDENTLY moved straight for divorce.

 

She has to be SCARED of losing you, to be willing to 'fall out of love' with her OM. Please believe me. NOTHING else works with cheating women.

 

Tell her today that you will NOT agree to her terms, you will NOT share her with anyone, and you WILL be seeing your lawyer this week.

 

Please trust me. It's the only chance you have of saving the marriage.

Tunera: you are absolutely right. in fact, based om many stories i noticed that the tougher, firmer the betrayed husband is the more remorseful the cheating wife becomes. and the softer weaker he is the more disrespect he gets.

[TexasMan68]

She doesn't have you by the balls, you gave her your balls! Get em back and boot the slag out of the house. If your son has been studying then he should pass his tests without an issue. I mean come on what's next?! Does she plan on inviting him over for Christmas dinner?

[Buckeye2]

When I returned she was different and I seemed to irritate her. I am now aware that during my business trip was the time when they first had sex - but I still can't explain her unusual increased sexual desires for me in the few weeks before I left.

 

She was turned on because she was contemplating having sex with the OM.

 

She tells me that she wants to stay living in our house until after our son's exams are over, so as not to upsethis chances. In the meantime she wants to be free to meet her boyfriend and doas she wishes, nights away etc. She has moved into another room as she wants to be faithful to her new man, who apparently accepts that she wants to stay with me for the next 9 months because of our son.

 

At the very least say no to this. If you have to suffer for the next nine months so does she. Tell her that no one dates anyone until the exams are done. If you catch her cheating during that time the deal is off and it will be her fault if he flunks his exams. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence while she’s getting all dolled up for her date.

[turnera]

At the very least say no to this. If you have to suffer for the next nine months so does she. Tell her that no one dates anyone until the exams are done. If you catch her cheating during that time the deal is off and it will be her fault if he flunks his exams. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence while she’s getting all dolled up for her date.

I could agree with this, IF she is willing to NOT CONTACT HIM for 9 months.

[oldshirt]

And let me be clear. I've been on forums like this for 15 years. And of the thousands of cases just like yours that I've seen, the ONLY cases in which the wife stopped cheating and returned to the marriage happened when the man SWIFTLY, FIRMLY, and CONFIDENTLY moved straight for divorce.

 

She has to be SCARED of losing you, to be willing to 'fall out of love' with her OM. Please believe me. NOTHING else works with cheating women.

 

Tell her today that you will NOT agree to her terms, you will NOT share her with anyone, and you WILL be seeing your lawyer this week.

 

Please trust me. It's the only chance you have of saving the marriage.

 

I would agree with this except the objective is to save yourself and save your sanity and self worth. It's not about saving the marriage. There is no marriage at this point.

 

You don't have a wife at present. You have a cheating ho that living off of you in your own home and making you shelter her and keep her dirty secrets.

 

Funk that. If she want this other dude, make her do it on her own time, on her own dime and from her own domicile and let her feel the repercussions from the people around her.