Shocked

[qubist]

I would agree with this except the objective is to save yourself and save your sanity and self worth. It's not about saving the marriage. There is no marriage at this point.

 

You don't have a wife at present. You have a cheating ho that living off of you in your own home and making you shelter her and keep her dirty secrets.

 

Funk that. If she want this other dude, make her do it on her own time, on her own dime and from her own domicile and let her feel the repercussions from the people around her.

Agree 100%, it looks to me that she is trying ti guilt him. she using the son exam as an excuse to buy time she is only concerned about her image that's why she doesn't want him to expose it to family.

[justastatistic]

She moved into a separate bedroom, do you think your son won't notice that? Just tell him, and everyone else, and get some support for yourself. No one deserves to take the abuse your wife is handing out.

[lolablue17]

She probably has so much influence and control on you, if she managed to convince you that the earth is flat, Africa is in the north and dogs can talk. You need this forum to remind you that earth is round, African is in the south and dogs cannot talk.

 

Your son will be just fine. Your separation will be not more than a little distraction for him. He is gonna be Ok. You can tell him everything today. (If he had an exam in few days, I would say you can wait few days but not even 1 month..)

 

Go ahead and tell all your family. You cannot kick her out of the house, but you don't have to cooperate in any way with any of her needs. Her needs should have zero influence on your decisions.

 

Go to a lawyer, serve her the papers, tell your son, and ignore her. If she blames you with something, that your son is bla ba bla, 9 month bla bla bla, tell her that it's her fault, why can't she wait 9 month? Why must she scr&w that man while your son is studying to his exams. If he'd care so much about his exams, she could hold her sex needs for 9 month. Can't she? So it's her fault.

[Lion Heart]

Tunera: you are absolutely right. in fact, based om many stories i noticed that the tougher, firmer the betrayed husband is the more remorseful the cheating wife becomes. and the softer weaker he is the more disrespect he gets.

 

Yes ^^^^^^ tunera, qubist, oldshirt, every one of these people ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Do it all IMMEDIATELY.

 

I know it FEELS counter intuitive! "Nicing" her back WILL NOT WORK.

IT HAS TO BE FAST.

IT HAS TO BE COMPLETE.

 

SHE wants the OM! GIVE HER TO HIM!

He** man! I'm a woman and did it! You can too!

I offered to DRIVE WH to his lover's house, told her WH would have his dirty a$$ on her doorstep THAT NIGHT! IT HAPPENED SO FAST WH didn't know what hit him. I'll tell you WHAT hit him, a BIG FAT MOUNTAIN OF REALITY. Ha.

 

THIS PROCESS will work for any wayward spouse. Not just WWs.

 

DO NOT LET A SKA** RUIN YOUR LIFE. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT END IT! Post here whenever you feel overwhelmed. It's grief you're feeling but postpone that grief till YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

 

Absolutely EXPOSE her. Absolutely and ENTIRELY.

 

MOVE your money now. Cut her off. Take her name off everything and fast.

 

Get this done in 3 weeks and your son still has 8 WHOLE MONTHS before his exams. You can be strong. You can be. You can be independent of this sh** YOU WILL BE.

 

I phoned the suicide helpline once this year and felt more depressed after that call.

 

I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO HELP MYSELF. I.did. You can too and you WILL.

 

Get these things done pronto.

 

Lion Heart.

[Marc878]

If you are weak, timid and afraid at this time you will lose.

 

Man up and take control of your life. Expose immediately. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Your life is what you make it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tell her that no one dates anyone until the exams are done. If you catch her cheating during that time the deal is off and it will be her fault if he flunks his exams. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence while she’s getting all dolled up for her date.

 

How do you enforce this with someone who already feels entitled to cheat? Every trip to the store, every day at work, any dental appointment - all opportunities to see her OM. Unless you have her under surveillance, just not practical.

 

You should resolve your living situation with your lawyer's guidance now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HurtHusband]

Hey buddy! Your not alone! We are all here and all in the same boat. Your wife is some piece of work! I thought mine was bad. After all those years together, the cheek she has! Unreal!

 

Your son is older and will be off on his own soon. She is causing you hurt and pain. I know you say you love her, but she is not faithful to you. Start looking after yourself. Work out and do something fun. Think about the future. You know your wife might fall flat on her face with that other guy and it will end badly. He will probably drop her like a hot stone and scurry off back to his wife.

Leave them at it, be better and move on to better things.

[m.snow]

Right now I could suggest you to enter into counseling.

find an individual counselor to help cope.

I could not stress out more the importance of seeking a professional counselor.

 

Know that in all of this you are not alone, thousands of people experience the pain that you are feeling right now.

They stood strong and moved forward. So will you!

 

It is important Confide with a friend or family, take no blame for any repercussions.

(simply state to keep it from your son.)

 

It is important that you have others to support you! Will help you keep sane.

 

 

I am now just a broken old man with no prospects.

dont say that

 

you got plenty of game, there's a lot more women out there more deserving.

YOU deserve better!

 

You must also now start to seek legal counsel in preparation for an inevitable divorce.

Begin to consolidate your assets, cut her off from your bank and financial resources.

Edited November 6, 2015 by m.snow

[Marc878]

It appears you are making excuses because you are afraid to do anything. This is not the time to be in that state of mind.

 

Read your own posts and pretend it's some one else. What advice would you give?????

[Mr Blunt]

My wife dropped a bombshell last weekend, telling me that she has been having an affair with a Facebook contact for 8 weeks.

 

She has strayed a few times during our marriage

 

A man that will allow his wife to be a serial cheater for years will result in his self-respect and self-esteem to go down to a very dangerous level. You are way overdue to take actions so that you do not become a permanent door mat to your wife, yourself, and others!

 

 

With this crises you are either going to take actions to restore your manhood or you are going to wind up being no good for anyone.

[Darren Steez]

I had to laugh, but it's really not funny, but it sort of is, it's the perfect plan really but..

 

You go and talk to a lawyer yesterday. You file. You separate banking accounts and finance. If she wants to live a single life then she absolutely lives it, especially since you're contributing to her banging another man in your face.

 

You have her sign divorce papers. Sure if you want to keep it from your son then don't tell him, I don't see why one form of lying, that his mom has been banging another for 9 months is a greater lie than your mom has been banging another man for 9 months and I divorced her.

 

Are you ever planning to tell your son that his mom has been cheating for all these years? If he ever found out what do you think he'd think about you as a man if he did find out and it wasn't from you?

 

Stand up for yourself man, and stop making excuses. She treating you like this because even when she cheated previous, you forgave, even rewarded her with gifts etc. Stop rewarding this behaviour because she's using the lowest trick of the low, she's using your son as a shield to bang another man.

 

Don't put up with this.

[JS84]

The bottom line is that if I blow it all out in the open and my son fails his exams next year, I will have to live with the fact that I did not cover it up for his sake and wrecked his career.

 

I know that it was not me that cheated, but am in the unfortunate position that it could be me that hurts my sons chances.

 

I am not bothered about her in all this - just my son and his future. Of course he may hate both of us for lying to him, instead of just his mother for wrecking our family life.

 

She has effectively got me by the balls. The only positive thing is that during this time her new man may get fed up with the long distance relationship - having to travel so far for his weekly oats etc .... that he may find someone closer. I have told her that she sees the best of him and he in her as they only have dates and sex. They do not see each other in the morning, in bad moods, stressed by work etc and have not even had an argument yet (god help him when they do)

 

She doesn't have you by the balls. It sounds like you reached into your pants, pulled them out, gift wrapped them, and handed them to her.

 

She's cheated on you multiple times in the past. What exactly are you shocked about?? Why shouldn't she do it again if you're clearly so afraid of letting her go? She pulls this again and your first response to her is to suggest marriage counseling??? Pull the plug on the marriage. Your wife is a remorseless serial cheater.

 

And don't use your son as an excuse to do nothing about your situation. If he crashes and burns (which he most likely won't) YOU'RE going to take the blame for it??? From what you said she's done this repeatedly and all you've done is stick around. So when your son passes his exams and she cheats on you again, what excuse are you going to pull out of your pocket next time to justify sticking around?

 

I also suggest you see a therapist to discuss your co-dependency issues. She's cheated on you and you let her talk to male friends on facebook? Dude seriously?? Take her off the pedestal, get therapy, find your self-respect, set a good example for your son on being a man, and file for divorce.

Edited November 6, 2015 by JS84

[waterwoman]

How your son reacts is, to a great extent, down to how her is told about it and how YOU react. Tell him calmly and without drama - you and his mum are separating. He will stay with you in his home and he will see his mum regularly. He does not need to know the why and wherefore.

 

Once that is done, tell people who care for you and get support. The last person you need around you is the one who has hurt you - replace her with friends and family to help heal the wound.

[Midwestmissy]

My teenagers found out because they got to read emails. Awful. And from that point on, they needed to see that they had one adult in their lives who could model values and mature behaviour, and that was me. Blowing the lid off the affair and letting people know is very effective btw. Why would she want to keep something so wonderful a secret? Opening the garbage can and letting the sun in scatters the roaches pretty quickly. This isn't your shame to bear.

 

No one ever told my baby, aged 7 about the infidelity, but guess what? He knows. Don't kid yourself, your son probably already suspects and feels the toxicity in the house, so get out of that denial. I was amazed at what my kids knew. And guess what? They wrote exams and applied to uni.

 

That woman needs to leave. I'm really sorry for your pain, I still feel mine.

[oldshirt]

I think Alf has gone back to the planet Melmac.

[bubbaganoosh]

If you continue with this situation and let her remain in the house then you lose big time.

 

Your the only one that can do anything about this and by letting her use the feeble excuse about your sons exams as an excuse to stay in the family home while cheating on you is nothing but a ploy.

 

It's time you get her bags out of the closet and tell her that if she wants to spend hr time with this guy then move in with him and don't come back.

 

Right now the arrows of fault are pointing straight at you for allowing this. Do not let her use the children as a weapon against you or you'll be in deeper then you already are. Put her out ASAP.

[bigman1]

You are in a prison of your own design. She does not have you by the balls. Its like hitting someone and then telling them not to cry or they will disturb the neighbors. Its classic bullying and abuse tactics.

 

She alone is responsible for any fallout. Could she not have waited to cheat until after he was finished with school? Let the cat out of the bag and blame her fully for it. There may be no fallout, there may be fallout, but it is 100% on her.

 

Your talk of suicide is disturbing. You said you'd rather end yourself than end your marriage. That is just.... Get yourself to a proper psych NOW. Seriously, this is the first thing that you do and tell them exactly what you posted.

 

Finally, treat it like your wife died. She's gone. Do whatever is needed to distance yourself and detach. That is an act of will. Still, do this while under the care of a proper mental health provider.

[Itwasntme]

I agree. Just break it off now.because look at it this way, ok so your son may have trouble studying at first but him finding out now will give a whole year to recover. like some of the other members said, kids aren't stupid they tend to pick up on things, sometimes even faster then adults. So just think how it could mess him up finding out about it around the time of the test.

[No Limit]

It wouldn't be you who wrecked your son's chances, it would be your hopefully soon-to-be-ex. It's baffling to see how she just gives you a list of how she wants things to be - and don't you follow it! Put your foot down, have her move out to her new fella ASAP and file for divorce.

[OldRover]

If it were 9 days, I'd agree. But 9 months is untenable. And over that course of time with all this drama, your son will quickly figure things out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're generous, I wouldn't give her 9 minutes. She clearly has ended it. Absolutely no room for her at HIS house.

[OldRover]

I agree with much of the advice.

 

However, without legal court orders I am not sure how you can force (toss) someone out of a home they have legal residence/ownership in. But you sure as heck can start the legal process and divorce and make her life difficult and unpleasant to stay.

 

You sound isolated and without a network. You need activities or things to do now. Look for social or sports clubs or groups, Volunteer activities, what ever around town. If you can not afford therapy maybe there is a mens support group near by - phone a few therapists and explain your short on cash and are seeking help. Try to get in shape, work out, improve your appearance, maybe read some books on dating and sex, get prepared to get out there again and find a gal - in 6-12 months (not now). You need a way to break your love/dependence/attachment to your wife.

 

 

In most states you can get them out..... usually immediately. She can pack her bags under the supervision of a lawyer or a cop.

[Popsicle]

So she doesn't think the son thinks it's bad that she now sleeps in another room?

[ShatteredLady]

What's your son going to think when he's watching her getting ready for dates & packing for weekends away? This is an impossible secret to keep. Your son will resent being treated like he's stupid.

 

My brother took his own life in a similar situation to you. He just couldn't get angry!! His children's lives are a DISASTER! The emotional carnage left behind after suicide is unimaginable. You're willing to be tortured for 9 months so he passes his exams & yet you speak of taking your life...believe me, it won't matter how well he does in his exams if you do that.

 

Take the advise you are being given. Focus on you & your son. Help him study, take him out, be his Dad. Waking your wife to reality is your only hope. Tell family! They might talk some sense into her AND they will support you. I know what it's like to be isolated, terrified & heart broken. I'm so sorry.

[HurtOfGlass]

^^I think he has already committed suicide. This type of thread doesn't stop this abruptly. There gas been no response from the OP.

[anika99]

^^I think he has already committed suicide. This type of thread doesn't stop this abruptly. There gas been no response from the OP.

 

I doubt it. Lots of posters disappear after the feedback isn't what they were hoping to hear. The OP was likely hoping to get encouragement in going along with his wife's stupid plan. Maybe hoping people would tell him to hang in there because the affair will run its course and his wife will want him after she gets dumped.

 

Both the OP and his wife are using their son as an excuse not to face reality. The wife doesn't want to give up her affair partner so she pretends that getting her husband to accept her openly cheating on him is in the sons best interest. The OP does not want to end the marriage so he is also pretending that this dysfunctional arrangement is for the boy's own good.

 

And what does the boy get out of this? A year of living in tension, unspoken truths, dysfunction. A year of knowing there is something really messed up going on in his house but not knowing what exactly. He's being forced into living a false reality by the very people he trusts to be honest and real. That's not going to help him, it's just going to scar him. He will go out into the world with the sense that people are not who they appear to be and shouldn't be trusted. He may adopt his parents poor coping skills and put on his own mask to shield himself from truth and pain which never works long term.