What is dignity, anyway?

[Ophelia25]

Will try here again. It's kind of funny just splashing your life up there for strangers to see, but sometimes, someone is going through or has gone through the same thing and may have some words that will help. I hope so.

 

Short summary is that I'm struggling to break free from a nearly 25 year emotional affair. Okay, it's only been an official emotional affair for about 7, but it's an old boyfriend, really my only boyfriend, from teenagerhood, and we never lost touch. We have both been married for 15-20 years, and have pretty darn amazing spouses for putting up with us.

 

The "good" news, I guess, is that he finally got up the nerve to sort of end it yesterday. It was a convoluted, confusing, babbling text message, but the gist of it was that he was going to try to "separate himself" because he couldn't get anything done ever as I was too distracting. He then said, "Maybe I should just delete this. Maybe I should have deleted it. Ugh."

 

I cried for awhile and thought for awhile and then replied, "Wow, there's not much I can say to that. I will go away and not cause you any more trouble." He did not answer.

 

So now, I have to do that. HOW THE HECK DO I DO THAT? I want to cry, beg, plead. I want to demand a real explanation instead of a wimpy one. I want to punch his face in and I want to tell him how hard that must have been for him and how sad I feel that he's probably hurting, too. I want to drive 7 hours and smack him and hug him.

 

But I mostly want to stop bawling and figure out how to just leave him alone like I said I would. I know that's the best course of action, and I should be grateful that he had the balls to say it, even it was a totally lame break-up. Honestly, as much as I know it's best that we not talk, I want to make him come back. And even to do that, everything I read says to leave him alone, make him see what life is like without you, let him think you are fine.

 

While this time may really be different (he seemed to do this on his own rather than the other times, when his wife made him), I still suspect he will check on me after awhile. He knows I have a history of anxiety and depression, and he knows (perhaps this strokes his ego) that I've been hauled off to the emergency room a time or two because of ridiculous anxiety episodes that stemmed from him. So, I'm guessing in a few days, he will ask me if I'm okay. Of course, I will NOT be okay. I'm devastated, and crushed, and an emotional basketcase. So, I ignore him? I say I'm fine? Perhaps I should just say something like, "I will be," so I'm maybe being somewhat honest without unleashing my craziness on him.

 

Any thoughts?

[carhill]

Dignity is assessing one's life and actions, adjusting those aspects one deems in need of adjustment, and then moving forward with those decisions and feeling positive about it, no matter what social, legal or political pressure attends. Dignity is belief in self, regardless of the billions of other opinions out there. Those folks have their own dignity to be concerned with.

 

So, in your case, make adjustments and decisions which are healthiest for *you* and move forward. Other people are irrelevant. Expect that some will shun you. That's OK! Big world, lots of people, preciously brief life.

[Dylon]

That's a long time A. I can't imagine. If it's just day 1, I can only say you have a long road ahead I'm afraid. I ended with OW on my own too many times. When that happened, there was a lot of guilt and hurt, like everything you are feeling now. It's very easy to get back together. It was always her that gave in after we ended, usually it's after 1 day, a few days, or most, a week or two. So it's up to you. Stick with it with NC. I feel so stupid just saying it because I know it's incredibly hard or it would not have taken us 1 year to end it. You said his wife knows. And yours? Your H knows? I know the OW feels like you so even though I ended it, I'm so tempted to break NC recently. However, over time, it will get easier. For now, I know NC seems like an impossible task. I'm sorry for how you feel because I've gone through this. Keep writing here instead of writing to him.

[Ophelia25]

Thanks, Dylon. It's the hardest thing I've done in a very long time, I think. And I know I could text him and make him feel bad about it, and make him regret it, and it was such a feeble attempt at a breakup I could probably undo it. But, I'm also proud of him for trying, and know it's the right thing to do, and feel like staying away and quiet will probably help him more than anything else.

 

My husband knows, he's always known about us because he was friends with us in high school when we first started going out. When we first started talking more often and intensely, 6 or 7 years ago, I had a minor breakdown and was so guilty and devastated. He was more than understanding, saying that I shouldn't beat myself up for feelings I've always had, that he knows how we always felt about each other and that those feelings wouldn't go away. We continued our friendship, and as it got more heated, my husband even helped some, encouraged us, he thought it was a huge turn-on. But he also hates that we hurt ourselves and each other so much going back and forth and trying to keep it "safe" - and, of course, the OMs wife is not anywhere near as understanding. Not that I blame her. I don't think my husband realizes how serious we have gotten, to the point of discussing running off and such (those conversations stopped happening in earnest a couple of years ago, we kind of just use each other for flirting and keep the deeper stuff hidden now). He also knows that because of my anxiety/depression issues, it's extra dangerous for me to keep throwing myself into this and then being hurt. He watches and tries to comfort me when I'm broken-hearted. Best guy ever? Probably. But, no, I have to be in love with the unavailable, indecisive, confusing guy who needs to remove me so I'm not a distraction. Sigh.

 

They say it will get easier. How long does it get harder before it gets easier? Because day 3 is definitely harder than day 1.

[carhill]

Heh, I remember the dignified end to a 25 year off and on affair and it was, literally, a warm hug at the airport, wishing the lady best of luck with her boyfriend (spouse was gone many years prior) and turning and leaving that period of life behind. IMO, it's all about choice and how we view the choices we make. Viewing the choice to end things in a dignified way finished the business and recovery was amazingly brief. Between that and getting divorced it was like a sudden breeze of fresh air had entered the room. Invigorating.

 

Good luck in your pursuits.

[Ms. Faust]

If I recall correctly, your affair is predominately text based, correct? I do remember you saying something along the lines of you get listless when he does not respond. I really think, as is very common, that you have completely built him up within your mind. I would liken it to a woman getting caught up in a Harlequin romance. This emotional affair is as fantasy as it gets, which is really unhealthy for you. Have you thought about seeing a counselor?

 

Also, have you considered there may be an other, other woman involved as to the sudden breakup?

[Ophelia25]

I know you are right about the fantasy. We talk on the phone maybe once every few months, but it's generally awkward and strange. The few times we've seen each other in person it's been somewhat less awkward and very passionate (no sex), but a little strained.

 

The thing I've created in my head (and I've always been the victim of a killer imagination) is so far from reality, and as a fairly logical and mostly intelligent person, I marvel at how much I don't care about that, even though I know it to be true.

 

I guess it's a joke to say I have a pretty decent marriage, as people in these kinds of situations don't, but we've always been mostly happy. I chose a comfortable, dependable marriage with a close friend over the roller-coaster emotion and passion. Everyone I have ever known applauds my decision and says it was the right one. But I never let go of the fantasy and my sappy feelings of unrequited love, this was the one, I've read too much Shakespeare, etc., and the fact that the OM encouraged these feelings just sucked me in completely.

 

I did see a therapist for awhile about five years ago, when we first started getting "serious" about how we felt and our spouses found out about it. I may have just not known what to do, or had a rotten therapist, but it was mostly just, "What do you think you should do?" and "How does that make you feel?" and I don't think there was much progress.

 

But, hey, I'm now on Day 5. The tears have given way to a dreary hopeless sadness. I'm bewildered, because I so think there is more going on than what he told me (which was so babbling and confused I couldn't really process it.) So, maybe that's an improvement?