hurtnomorerika Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Does anyone else feel that affairs can make a miserable marriage easier for MM/MW? Like, if the marriage is bad, the affair makes it somewhat bearable for the MM/MW to deal with. Also, I'm starting to feel that if the MM/MW is having their cake and eating it too, why would they leave for the OM/OW. I wish that I had thought of this sooner. Thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Bad marriage - enough said Link to post Share on other sites
Rorocher Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 of course, that's the whole point. Ever heard of the Stabilizer Affairs? that's what majority of Affairs are. They make it easier for the married AP to handle whatever sh*t they are being dealt at home. Because the affair is their solace, their escape, their "happy place". But it doesn't mean that they are willing to overhaul their lives for the AP. It's like when you go on vacation, it's fun and you have a good time, but that is not going to make you come back home, pack your bags and move there. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Affairs have everything to do with the cheater meeting his/her needs and nothing to do with meeting the needs of the spouse or the marriage. It takes time and resources away from the marriage spouse and children. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 From the cheater perspective, yep, made the marriage more bearable. I stopped caring whether husband met my needs, which was cause for plenty of arguments befor Le the affair. During? Didn't care. Marriage was much less turbulent. But we were both married and had no intention of leaving. Was never on the table. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Does anyone else feel that affairs can make a miserable marriage easier for MM/MW? Like, if the marriage is bad, the affair makes it somewhat bearable for the MM/MW to deal with. Also, I'm starting to feel that if the MM/MW is having their cake and eating it too, why would they leave for the OM/OW. I wish that I had thought of this sooner. Thoughts? I think our A definitely made his M easier to survive at the time, but it also made it much clearer to him that he wanted to get as far away from her as possible. Having a loving R both gave him succour to survive the M while he needed to, and gave him a point of comparison against which to assess the M, and the more we got to know each other, the more our R deepened, the more he realised how bad his M was. Having a loving R also provided him with the security and confidence to stand up to her and tell her he was leaving. But it really depends on the people, the M, and the R. No two are exactly alike. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Yes. I remember the exact moment I first felt like Neil Patrick Harris's character in Gone Girl. Although, I wish I could have bled out as fast as he did. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 When we were in our affair, my MM lived in my state during the week, and went home on the weekends. One saturday morning phone call he told me that talking to me was the only thing that made his weekends at home bearable. I was like, WHAT?? From then on, there was a new rule..... I did not allow him to call me from the time he got on the plane on friday night until he arrived back in my state monday morning. Heck if I was going to be a bandaid for his marriage.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello Genius Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Affairs have everything to do with the cheater meeting his/her needs and nothing to do with meeting the needs of the spouse or the marriage. It takes time and resources away from the marriage spouse and children. A cheater who is dissatisfied with their marital sex life (or other profound need) and seeks fulfillment elsewhere is in a way meeting the needs of the family by keeping it intact. Family stabilized. Reduction of discord. But mutually agreed upon affair arrangement is preferred obviously. Seriously, read the profiles on Ashley Madison. 90 percent are stating this exact desire to find what they are missing at home but not wanting to disrupt each other's lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtnomorerika Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 When we were in our affair, my MM lived in my state during the week, and went home on the weekends. One saturday morning phone call he told me that talking to me was the only thing that made his weekends at home bearable. I was like, WHAT?? From then on, there was a new rule..... I did not allow him to call me from the time he got on the plane on friday night until he arrived back in my state monday morning. Heck if I was going to be a bandaid for his marriage.... Exactly, almost makes you feel like you're being used to some degree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Exactly, almost makes you feel like you're being used to some degree. That's probably because you are. It's part of the tactics to make the OW feel so sorry for the MM, because his wife is a cold, wicked, uncaring, non sexual, evil abusive woman. While he is the perfect loving husband, working hard to support the family. If you believe that to be true.....then no doubt you'll feel sympathy and carry on being kept in the affair. Even when you're reluctant to do something in an affair ... The MM says..your just like my wife she won't do that either... so in order to outdo her... you go ahead and do it. It's manipulation. A guy tried this line to get me into an A....but I didn't buy it. Some MW make out they have abusive husbands and use this to get their AP to stay hooked. Staying he makes her life worth living. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 That's probably because you are. It's part of the tactics to make the OW feel so sorry for the MM, because his wife is a cold, wicked, uncaring, non sexual, evil abusive woman. While he is the perfect loving husband, working hard to support the family. If you believe that to be true.....then no doubt you'll feel sympathy and carry on being kept in the affair. Even when you're reluctant to do something in an affair ... The MM says..your just like my wife she won't do that either... so in order to outdo her... you go ahead and do it. It's manipulation. A guy tried this line to get me into an A....but I didn't buy it. Some MW make out they have abusive husbands and use this to get their AP to stay hooked. Staying he makes her life worth living. Yup, but you can only be used if you allow it. I never felt sorry for my MM, if his marriage was bad he needed to either get out or deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 'Exactly, almost makes you feel like you're being used to some degree.' Only almost? Haha!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I don't subscribe to an affair making the marriage easier for the MM. There's lots of reasons for an affair, and there's lot of issues that caused it. We know that it takes at least two.... and ofter there's a third that may have influenced decisions for an affair. And then we need to look at the marriage. It could be a disaster and it could be pretty good. There are many reasons people sway from their marriage and engage in an affair, however, often the marriage has some serious problems or is broken. Make it easier?... actually it could make it a lot harder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I don't subscribe to an affair making the marriage easier for the MM. There's lots of reasons for an affair, and there's lot of issues that caused it. We know that it takes at least two.... and ofter there's a third that may have influenced decisions for an affair. And then we need to look at the marriage. It could be a disaster and it could be pretty good. There are many reasons people sway from their marriage and engage in an affair, however, often the marriage has some serious problems or is broken. Make it easier?... actually it could make it a lot harder. How does a third party influence one to be a liar and deceiver? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 My needs as the betrayed spouse were not met while my husband has his affair. Time and money was taken away from our children while he had his affair. I'm pretty sure none of us even crossed his mind during the affair - which is really a shame because we continued to give to him. To have him tell us the affair partner was meaningless, he never loved her, he was never going to leave us for her and could have been anyone who was willing to **** him didn't lessen the pain. It really was only about his needs only, I spent the entire affair with my head in the toilet trying to figure out what was wrong with my life. He ruined 2 businesses and 2 marriages for a 6 mo (longer shorter who knows) meaningless fling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Time and money was taken away from our children while he had his affair. To have him tell us the affair partner was meaningless, he never loved her, he was never going to leave us for her and could have been anyone who was willing to **** him didn't lessen the pain. SPOT ON And this is what hurts so much.....that they'd risk their marriage and the comfort and security of their children for a person who meant nothing and was a nobody. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 How does a third party influence one to be a liar and deceiver? Very easy. Addictions is one. Not contributing or working on a marriage, disregard for the spouse, having their own affair... lots of reasons. And the affair partner doesn't have to lie and deceive. I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Very easy. Addictions is one. Not contributing or working on a marriage, disregard for the spouse, having their own affair... lots of reasons. And the affair partner doesn't have to lie and deceive. I didn't. ???How did you have an affair? Did your wife know? My ex had times of not contributing but that never made me want to sacrifice my dignity and self respect by lying to go get strange penis. A cheater always has choices. No one can make you cheat. If I had that kind of power over him, I would have made him be faithful. Edited November 7, 2015 by purplesorrow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 xMM said the affair made his life more difficult. His thoughts were not placed where they should have been at all. He always felt torn in two by what he was doing and was always on edge. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I never felt sorry for my MM, if his marriage was bad he needed to either get out or deal with it. Yes that's pretty much how I feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I've heard married partners say that it makes the marriage harder. It reminds me of when dumpers (now I'm talking about two single people here) saying they think they suffer just as much or more than the dumpee. Their perspective is out of whack, and, not surprisingly, self-absorbed. They are living in a bubble. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 QUOTE=Poppy47;6632588]xMM said the affair made his life more difficult. His thoughts were not placed where they should have been at all. He always felt torn in two by what he was doing and was always on edge. Poppy. I've heard this viewpoint as well. That although time spent with the OW was nice....Having to constantly lie and cover up their tracks can become draining. Someone who considered themselves of previous good character is effectively living a double life and usually once remorseful..... this is one of the things they stuggle with... that a man of 'integrity' did this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 ???How did you have an affair? Did your wife know? My ex had times of not contributing but that never made me want to sacrifice my dignity and self respect by lying to go get strange penis. A cheater always has choices. No one can make you cheat. If I had that kind of power over him, I would have made him be faithful. How does anyone have an affair... they have an emotional attachment or have sex with someone else. And yes, she knew before I knew who the OW would be. I told her I was looking for emotional support that I wasn't getting with her. The relationship with the wife was clearly over... long before. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I think it's true that an affair makes a bad marriage bearable. There's almost no question about that. But I also think that once the affair happens, it adds several new elements: guilt on the MM's part where he begins to see his wife as the victim, and that he truly is an ass; then it becomes an even more vicious cycle where guilt toward his wife, feelings for the OW, guilt toward the OW because he knows he's leading her on, the desire to keep feeding his ego, justification, then back to guilt. These are high drama situations with very few happy endings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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