Affairs Make Marriage Easy For MM?

[bathtub-row]

I think it's true that an affair makes a bad marriage bearable. There's almost no question about that. But I also think that once the affair happens, it adds several new elements: guilt on the MM's part where he begins to see his wife as the victim, and that he truly is an ass; then it becomes an even more vicious cycle where guilt toward his wife, feelings for the OW, guilt toward the OW because he knows he's leading her on, the desire to keep feeding his ego, justification, then back to guilt. These are high drama situations with very few happy endings.

[purplesorrow]

How does anyone have an affair... they have an emotional attachment or have sex with someone else. And yes, she knew before I knew who the OW would be. I told her I was looking for emotional support that I wasn't getting with her. The relationship with the wife was clearly over... long before.

 

If your wife knew, how was it an affair? If you did anything with ow your wife had no knowledge of, you did in fact lie and deceive.

[minimariah]

Does anyone else feel that affairs can make a miserable marriage easier for MM/MW?

 

absolutely.

 

MM/MW literally charge their batteries through their affair & stick it out in their marriage day - to - day life. they're usually calmer & happier because their needs are met & they don't feel neglected/unhappy anymore, they don't really feel much guilt due to the bad marriage (they feel justified & entitled) and marriages/affairs like that literally last for YEARS... until someone breaks something off.

 

so yeah, stabilizer affairs are very common.

Edited November 7, 2015 by minimariah

[OldRover]

If your wife knew, how was it an affair? If you did anything with ow your wife had no knowledge of, you did in fact lie and deceive.

 

Purple,

 

It may not have been an affair, but if you look at definitions of an affair, you'll find a ton of them.... just look on Wiki alone. And, yes, some say that to have an affair it must be unknown to your spouse.

 

There are MANY different situations with an affair, and it's hard to clump all of them into one set of "rules". And you could probably find as many reasons as there are affairs. And some get hurt way more that others... some will reconcile, some will divorce, some will live with it. It's not a matter of all right or wrong.

 

So, in regards to the OPs question... I could argue that an affair "may" or "may not" make the marriage easier. It didn't for me.... it made it harder. However, with the satisfaction that comes with having a caring SO, it made life more tolerable, and gave me things to look forward to. The challenges at home didn't change, and we continued to the divorce as planned.

 

Now, I was never enemies with my wife... never hated her, and would help her and do things for her if needed. Unfortunately, that was very awkward with my SO at the time, so the help was without contact, and hard to do. I have a few friends in the same situation, but the SO doesn't have a big issue so it works better.

 

I don't burn bridges.... unless absolutely necessary. I remain friends regardless of how bad things were. And I can have a bitter fight with someone and throw them out, only to put that behind us in the future and remain friends.... did that several times (but I just don't fight anymore, for any reason). Sometimes NC is good, but never been in a situation where I needed total NC except for perhaps a few short periods.

 

So, my marriage was not easier because of an affair. However, I could easily see a situation where everyone involved feels like they are getting enough of what they want, even with sharing another, and it works out. Just not my thing... I don't share.

[minimariah]

However, I could easily see a situation where everyone involved feels like they are getting enough of what they want, even with sharing another, and it works out. Just not my thing... I don't share.

 

i think you're looking at it from the "wrong" point of view.

 

you were, if i recall correctly, already about to divorce your wife & told her so when you started your affair. the part that makes an affair - affair - is it being a secret, taboo. once it's out there, it's not really an affair anymore.

 

i think the thread is about an affair helping a bad marriage without the spouse knowing about it and without the MM heading for a divorce. i don't think it's about changing the marriage for the better but making it tolerable for staying in it. also, stabilizer affairs work the best on those marriages that aren't bad as in no fights or conflicts - but rather dead, roommates and sexless type of union. that way, a lot of bad marriages survive longer than they were supposed to. your was heading for a divorce anyway, so the affair made it much harder.

[Popsicle]

I've heard this viewpoint as well. That although time spent with the OW was nice....Having to constantly lie and cover up their tracks can become draining. Someone who considered themselves of previous good character is effectively living a double life and usually once remorseful..... this is one of the things they stuggle with... that a man of 'integrity' did this.

 

This is a possibility, just as feeling stress over juggling the demands of two women can be possible, but the solution to this is quite simple: Make your life easy by getting rid of one of the women.

 

The easier one to get rid of is always the OW.

[Tayla]

The marriage is crippled the moment the affair takes hold. There is zero blessing for an affair. Turning a blind eye to the marriage makes the AP and The Mm equally accountable for playing pretend house. How delusional can a person be to justify this and say how its the best thing for their ailing marital vows.

[sandylee1]

This is a possibility, just as feeling stress over juggling the demands of two women can be possible, but the solution to this is quite simple: Make your life easy by getting rid of one of the women.

 

The easier one to get rid of is always the OW.

 

But they want the best of both for as long as possible. I do wonder if more affairs end out of guilt or because of exposure.

 

One WH I support said his marriage would have ended, if he didn't have the A. It made the marriage bearable - because he realised the lack of desire was all on his wife and not him. He thought he was no good in bed, but it wasn't that way with the OW.

 

The LTA ended - not through guilt or exposure -but they wanted to be together so much, but didn't want to break up 2 families. No guilt or regret from him at all. In fact he continues to say it gave him confidence.

[OldRover]

i think you're looking at it from the "wrong" point of view.

 

you were, if i recall correctly, already about to divorce your wife & told her so when you started your affair. the part that makes an affair - affair - is it being a secret, taboo. once it's out there, it's not really an affair anymore.

 

i think the thread is about an affair helping a bad marriage without the spouse knowing about it and without the MM heading for a divorce. i don't think it's about changing the marriage for the better but making it tolerable for staying in it. also, stabilizer affairs work the best on those marriages that aren't bad as in no fights or conflicts - but rather dead, roommates and sexless type of union. that way, a lot of bad marriages survive longer than they were supposed to. your was heading for a divorce anyway, so the affair made it much harder.

 

Mini,

 

You're right, I am perhaps looking at it from the wrong angle. If this thread only addresses affairs that are secret, then my experience isn't worth mentioning.

 

And for the record, the affair didn't make the divorce harder, it was harder just dealing with two women, even though I was devoted only to one, but I wasn't going to hurt the other by beating her up with a nasty divorce. I treated her fair.

[WasOtherWoman]

This is a possibility, just as feeling stress over juggling the demands of two women can be possible, but the solution to this is quite simple: Make your life easy by getting rid of one of the women.

 

The easier one to get rid of is always the OW.

 

This is very true. While I totally believe that being with me made my then MM's marriage more tolerable, simply because we had a great time during the week and the weekends at home very very short, I also made sure that I had my own demands that he needed to meet. Otherwise, I would be making his life better, yet not getting my own needs met.

 

And, when it caused him stress, my answer to him was simple... there can only be one woman in this relationship.

[WasOtherWoman]

The marriage is crippled the moment the affair takes hold. There is zero blessing for an affair. Turning a blind eye to the marriage makes the AP and The Mm equally accountable for playing pretend house. How delusional can a person be to justify this and say how its the best thing for their ailing marital vows.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that an affair is the best thing for an ailing marriage (or at least I HOPE no one thinks that). Clearly, it is a terrible choice.

 

I think the point is, if someone is somewhat bored in their life (which then translates into being bored with their marriage.... ) that having an affair makes their life more interesting to them again, thus making them happier in general, thus making them happier in their marriage.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that an affair is good for a marriage, but it does put a certain "spring in your step", just as any new relationship does, which makes one overall a happier person.

 

I am not saying this is right, far from it, but this was, I believe what the OP meant.

[minimariah]

Mini,

 

You're right, I am perhaps looking at it from the wrong angle. If this thread only addresses affairs that are secret, then my experience isn't worth mentioning.

 

every experience is worthy, in my opinion. no worries.

 

And for the record, the affair didn't make the divorce harder, it was harder just dealing with two women, even though I was devoted only to one, but I wasn't going to hurt the other by beating her up with a nasty divorce. I treated her fair.

 

ohhhh, i understand. yeah, having an affair (secret or not) in general is hard. it's a lot of hard work.

 

BUT, i think for many - who don't really have a relationship at home - isn't that hard, at all. that's what i think stabilizer affairs do - with folks who have no relationship other than cohabiting and coparenting with their partners, they really have to invest themselves in one relationship and that's the affair one. so when they get home, it makes their life easier since they have something to look forward to.

 

it's like living on bread and water five days a week and having full meals on weekends. you're motivated by the full meals so you get through bread and water easier.

[Tayla]

I don't think anyone is saying that an affair is the best thing for an ailing marriage (or at least I HOPE no one thinks that). Clearly, it is a terrible choice.

 

I think the point is, if someone is somewhat bored in their life (which then translates into being bored with their marriage.... ) that having an affair makes their life more interesting to them again, thus making them happier in general, thus making them happier in their marriage.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that an affair is good for a marriage, but it does put a certain "spring in your step", just as any new relationship does, which makes one overall a happier person.

 

I am not saying this is right, far from it, but this was, I believe what the OP meant.

Thank you for interpretting it in a different way. Basically though what I am reading is : End result the MM is much happier having an affair , so the marriage follows suit by the domino theory... Happy hubby in affair brings home a happier attitude...

I may well again be wrong yet it sure does seem that when reading these post its being promoted as a positive .. for their perceived joy in getting their needs met.

[WasOtherWoman]

Thank you for interpretting it in a different way. Basically though what I am reading is : End result the MM is much happier having an affair , so the marriage follows suit by the domino theory... Happy hubby in affair brings home a happier attitude...

I may well again be wrong yet it sure does seem that when reading these post its being promoted as a positive .. for their perceived joy in getting their needs met.

 

You know, sadly, I think that it does actually happen that way sometimes. If the person having the affair is happier they do bring that happiness home to their spouse. But, let's face it, that happiness generally does not last.

 

Either way, it is CERTAINLY, not a positive for the BS at home. Happier or not, who wants to be happy THAT way?

[OldRover]

Thank you for interpretting it in a different way. Basically though what I am reading is : End result the MM is much happier having an affair , so the marriage follows suit by the domino theory... Happy hubby in affair brings home a happier attitude...

I may well again be wrong yet it sure does seem that when reading these post its being promoted as a positive .. for their perceived joy in getting their needs met.

 

Well, sure the MM is happier with the affair, for the most part. Why do you think it got started. Some do quite well for long periods of time and some fizzle right away. But doesn't usually change the home life.

[purplesorrow]

Well, sure the MM is happier with the affair, for the most part. Why do you think it got started. Some do quite well for long periods of time and some fizzle right away. But doesn't usually change the home life.

 

Well as your affair wasn't a secret, maybe it didn't affect your home life. My ex's affair made him an angry, depressed azzhole. I knew something was going on because of his sudden rotten change in behavior at home and around his friends and family. None of us ever would have guessed the cause was that he was cheating.

[minimariah]

Happy hubby in affair brings home a happier attitude...

 

with stabilizer affairs - it is that way. however, it does nothing for the marriage. the atmosphere at home is better because a MM, happier - transfers that attitude into home & is generally calmer & more satisfied. it can give him "push" to be more reasonable or understandable and to smooth things out with the wife easier during an argument.

 

for many, MMs begin acting cruelly towards the spouse when the A starts but for the others - the shift is different. a previously depressed or lethargic MM becomes happier and in the mood - they often feel entitled or rationalize the affair so the guilt isn't there. the guilt only comes with the discovery of the affair.

 

but i thinn stabilizer affairs work the best during a dead but calm marriage, especially a sexless one.

[olivebranch]

That's probably because you are.

 

It's part of the tactics to make the OW feel so sorry for the MM, because his wife is a cold, wicked, uncaring, non sexual, evil abusive woman. While he is the perfect loving husband, working hard to support the family.

 

If you believe that to be true.....then no doubt you'll feel sympathy and carry on being kept in the affair.

 

Even when you're reluctant to do something in an affair ... The MM says..your just like my wife she won't do that either... so in order to outdo her... you go ahead and do it. It's manipulation. A guy tried this line to get me into an A....but I didn't buy it.

 

Some MW make out they have abusive husbands and use this to get their AP to stay hooked. Staying he makes her life worth living.

 

 

Thank you.

[burnt]

First the OBVIOUS statement:

MM gets into an affair in the first place because he's bored and feeling emotionally disconnected w/ wife. He gets to have fun and it helps him feel revived. He gets best of both worlds.

 

But here's another perspective:

In many of the accounts (here I'm ONLY talking about the cases where the wife didn't find out about the affair), the MM feels so much guilt and genuine remorse towards his wife that he finally ends the affair; this 'healthy' guilt creates a self realization that it's his wife who he really loves and therefore decides to committ to his marriage fully.

 

In other words, thanks to the FREE prostitution service that the OW provided, not only does the MM gets fun/thrill during the affair, but also after the affair he gets an uplifting spiritual self awakening that helps him to be the best dedicated husband he can ever be.

 

In fact, some marriage counselors actually prescribe 'affairs' as a valid alternative remedy to revive a dormant marriages.

 

So...

here's my thought:

MM: if you feel bored in your marriage or feel emotionally neglected/disconnected from your wife, do NOT sit down with your wife (your other half) to address the issues, do NOT go see a MC together or consider working on your marriage. That's hard work.

 

Instead:

find someone on the side secretely; convince yourself that you ONLY want an innocent but trusting 'friendship'--someone to talk to; set the boundaries and make it clear you don't want to 'slip'; she will admire your noble intentions; but then slowly seduce her w/ your affectionate words; keep her on her toes. talk to her about everything--make her feel special; heck just have an emotional affair; have fun/thrill; feel alive/revived/reconnected/energized; do make sure to tell her how much you think of her all the time; share your fantasies with her; now she's head over heels in love with you; but now that she's completely fallen for you, retract; dump her because you feel guilty; then pull her back in again; then dump her again; push her away, then pull her back in; repeat this process several times, until she's completely torn apart; but now YOU are finally ready to do the 'right' thing; so toss out the dispossable OW; but do make sure to wish her the best and tell her how special she really was to you and do give her advice on how she should try to heal; now you are ready; you go through a phase of true repent and a healthy bout of self-hate for your actions towards your wife; you come to full true celestial self awakening to fully realize how much you really love your wife; (but don't tell your wife of your secrets--after all you don't want to cause pain; so it's ok to keep secrets from your wife, since it's done with benevolent intentions); so you commit 100% to your wife. You are carrying the intense unbearable pain of guilt, but be proud of doing the right thing finally.

 

Ingenious. A perfect solution.

[Patrice]

They are cowards ... don't want to deal with divorce, and want someone to fix it ... sorry, won't be me.

[Popsicle]

with stabilizer affairs - it is that way. however, it does nothing for the marriage. the atmosphere at home is better because a MM, happier - transfers that attitude into home & is generally calmer & more satisfied. it can give him "push" to be more reasonable or understandable and to smooth things out with the wife easier during an argument.

 

for many, MMs begin acting cruelly towards the spouse when the A starts but for the others - the shift is different. a previously depressed or lethargic MM becomes happier and in the mood - they often feel entitled or rationalize the affair so the guilt isn't there. the guilt only comes with the discovery of the affair.

 

but i thinn stabilizer affairs work the best during a dead but calm marriage, especially a sexless one.

 

You make good points. I used to always say that 'serial cheaters' are the ones who have what you think of as stabilizing affairs. They seem to be the most at peace with having A's and will have them repeatedly, and even look for affairs, with never any intention to leaving their marriage. Even though they have a solid resolve to never leave their marriage no matter what, I still think having A's erodes and circumvents the love and connection they should be having with their spouse (not that that matters). They don't usually feel much guilt.

 

And then there are those who having an A sends them into such confusion. They are normally monogamous people, and it feels unnatural and stressful to lead a double life. And this is where the guilt comes in and they may end it, or attempt to downgrade it to platonic friendship.

[WestEndGirl]

New here.

 

I am the OW, but when I was married to my first exH, I had what most people would call an "exit" A, even though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Wasn't in love with my AP, nor he with me. He was separated at the time and dealing with stuff of his own.

 

To my mind, having an A didn't make my marriage "tolerable" as much as it shed light on everything in it that was so messed up. Every time after I saw my AP, I thought, "My marriage is such crap that I'm sleeping with another man. This is so messed up." I am not the type of person who cheats -- nor had I ever cheated before -- but three years without any physical intimacy will do that to a person.

 

No matter what type of A or how it ends, most people don't make this decision lightly, unless they're sociopaths. It may come after years of a loveless/sexless M and quiet desperation. Untold money has been sunk into counseling and couples retreats. There has been discussion of divorce, but no one can seem to get motivated because there's "stuff" they both own that they want to hang onto -- real estate, other assets, children, etc.

 

I, personally, realized that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life "stabilizing" a dead marriage, and that it was worth the sacrifice to get out of it while I was still relatively young. I'm a long-term thinker. I imagined way, way, way down the line and asked myself if I wanted to be with my exH when I was retired and the long dirt nap was staring me down, and the answer was, "Hell no!"

 

My only regret is that I didn't get divorced sooner, before the A. But in a way, I needed the A to propel me forward. So in a twisted way, I can't regret that it happened. I might still be in that dead marriage, had it not been for that.

[Popsicle]

To my mind, having an A didn't make my marriage "tolerable" as much as it shed light on everything in it that was so messed up.

 

Now, this I have heard a lot.

[WestEndGirl]

Now, this I have heard a lot.

 

It was very true for me -- and for a lot of couples I know who've split up, too. It's not so much the desire to be with the AP as the realization of everything that's missing that should be present in a M—friendship, emotional connection, compatibility, and yes, sex.

 

After an A, I don't think that many marriages turn around. I think that some BS can "get over" an A, but the marriage itself doesn't get any better; it just goes back to the status quo. You're either the type of person who's content with that (and possibly strings of As throughout life), or you want to live life honestly and to its fullest.

[xxoo]

Bigger highs and bigger lows. Some people need the highs.

 

This is pretty much the definition of "cake eating," isn't it? Have your marriage and all the stability and benefits it provides, and also have the highs of a girlfriend. If you're only thinking of your own needs, sounds pretty sweet.