He wanted a divorce so I gave it to him, tout suite!

[IlikeClintEastwood]

Hello all,

 

Long time lurker here and just wanted to say thank you for reading this.

 

Wow, it has been a grueling October but I'm glad to say he is out my apartment. I'm not going to get into the whys as they're no longer important.

 

Husband and I had another fight in the first week of October. It was the fight that finally hit his limit. He said he couldn't do it and there isn't any chance of changing things anymore. I asked him to reconsider (a few times with tears and fear in my heart) but it appeared he was just dead set on staying the course. I've made my feelings known but after careful consideration I decided to agree to file for dissolution of marriage. I am not the begging and pleading type. On Monday, November 2, we filed the papers and I then asked him to moved out right away. He was out the following day. We were married 3 years (I know it's not final but I considered it over once the papers were filed).

 

Protracted breakups are not good for me. I've always just wanted to move on once it's decided. Fast.

 

So now I have my apartment back. Cleaned it top to bottom. The wedding mementos, cards, rings and photos are all contained in a small box tucked on top of my closet. There are no signs of him left except for his pressing iron and board just 'cause I like a crisp shirt. We stipulated I get to keep his cat. He is now my new man. He comforts me.

 

I know I will be fine.

 

BUT it feels like I'm not mourning the loss deeply. I don't feel grief deeply at least for the time being. I'm eating and sleeping well. In my quietest moments I don't cry or lose my mind. I pray. I go to work. I read self-help books, talk to and hang out with friends and family. I do feel sadness and anger but in small doses and they are sometimes very fleeting. What is going on?

 

I am concerned about my healing. I don't want to be emotionally stunted. Not after this life changing event. My goal is to be healthy so I may love and give again.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

XO

[Mr. Lucky]

Each person processes grief differently, both internally and externally. I'm sure you're familiar with the 5 Stages, denial being the first. That could be your current stage - or not.

 

Do that which feels natural, honest and authentic. Take your time and be good to yourself, you'll know when it's time for the next step. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[IlikeClintEastwood]

Thank you Mr. Lucky. I'm taking it easy and practicing patience.

[Hardgrind]

Hey IlikeCE,

 

 

A dear friend of mine told me something I found very helpful in moving past my failed marriage and divorce. She observed that I was mourning the marriage I wanted and I was missing the person I wanted my wife to be. (My wife was in a LTA and I was being emotionally abused by her during the affair.). The marriage as it really was and the person my ex wife actually turned out to be were quite different from what I was actually mourning.

 

 

I recognized the truth in my friends words and found it very helpful in moving on. It may be you are not mourning as deeply as you think you should because you have recognized the reality of things instead of what you were hoping they would be.

[SoleMate]

BUT it feels like I'm not mourning the loss deeply. I don't feel grief deeply at least for the time being.....I do feel sadness and anger but in small doses and they are sometimes very fleeting. What is going on?

 

I see a few possibilities:

 

1) You might be repressing and cloaking your grief, perhaps unknowingly....it's there but deeply buried, in which case, it may need time to emerge

 

2) You sense that this divorce is the right thing for you, and nothing to grieve deeply over. This would make sense if the r/s never felt truly close or loving, OR if you have been seeing this coming (at some level, perhaps not fully conscious) for a while and have been mentally adjusting

 

3) Other causes, maybe something you'd like to see a therapist for...perhaps depression (which can blunt emotions generally)

 

I tend to suspect #2. I don't know your story other than this post. Wishing you the best, glad you are already on the road to recovery.

[IlikeClintEastwood]

SM, thank you. I'm leaning towards #2. Looking back it didn't feel like we were close and romantic (only at the courtship and honeymoon stages). I don't miss him but feel like I should be sad or feel a certain way. I feel like I'm not honoring him and the marriage by being almost so casual about it.

 

A little background about myself: I've always been on my own. Single for most of my adult life (4 LTRs including the marriage and dated a lot) and never got married until 42. I will be officially divorced at 45. I don't know, I feel like I'm just so used to living alone.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your thoughtful response.

[basil67]

I didn't grieve the demise of my first marriage. Yes, I was in a degree of shock for a bit, but I was never sad that it was over. Instead of sadness and grief, I had a sense of freedom and new beginnings.

 

I think it was because (as the previous poster suggested) I knew that ending the marriage was the right thing to do.

[IlikeClintEastwood]

Hi Hardgrind. You're right about recognizing the reality of things. One thing I give myself credit for is facing the truth squarely no matter how painful. I accepted the fact the failed marriage and divorce is part of my life now. Thank you for your thoughtful post.

[IlikeClintEastwood]

Hi Basil67. "A sense of freedom and new beginnings." Yes and yes. Thanks for sharing. I question my heart not breaking.

[Chris516]

The only thing I still have from my wedding(1992-2000), is the guest signature book. I don't know why I still have it. Because I have been glad for a long time. That we are divorced.