My husband rarely want to have sex

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

I'm going to try to give as much info as I can while not taking up too much of your time. I'm 32, husband is 39. Married 5, together 8. First marriage for both of us, no kids. He's a successful business man, I stay at home. I'm currently working on my MA online. He's about 80 pounds overweight and I'm what you would consider slender and fit although I don't really exercise. When we met, we both drank a lot. He only initiated sex when he was drunk, and that was fine because he was drunk a lot, as was I. Even then, it wasn't as much as I would have liked, but he said it was because we didn't have our own place. So later we got our own place and the sex dropped off even more. Over time I became the only initiator. We got married, I didn't expect that to change anything, but we had talked about this many times. He's told me he's tired all the time, he's said he has hang ups with sex because of childhood issues, he says he's insecure about his body and looks. I always respond with reassurances that I find him attractive and I want only him. And that's true. But over time I just stopped even trying to initiate and now we may have sex a few times a year. I have no desire for anyone else, but I can't help but wonder if maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore. Maybe he wants someone else, maybe it's a deeply held personal issue, but if so, why won't he seek help to address it. He knows how much this hurts me. I feel lonely, detached, neglected, rejected etc. I should add that we are very touchy with each other still, lots of kisses (pecks) lots of cuddling, tickling, joking around etc. we are very close, we spend all the available time he has together. He tells me he loves me and that I'm cute or beautiful depending on the occasion. Mostly cute. So what do you think? Does it sound like he's cheating, just not attracted to me, medical issue, or maybe something psychological?

Edited November 6, 2015 by GreenEyed BlackCat

[OldRover]

Could be a lot of things, but I'd bet his weight is a HUGE problem. He could probably do well with a lifestyle change and start controlling his weight and get in reasonable shape. That will take a MAJOR change in him and will take a lot of work, but can be done.

 

There's another thread on weight gain that may help you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/555220-coping-husband-s-weight-gain

 

There also could be emotional issues. And evaluation and counseling are probably in order so you know what he needs.

[basil67]

80lbs overweight could easily account for his loss of libido. Can you begin to imagine the toll that carting around this amount of weight would have on a person? Probably the act of simply living is exhausting - let alone the extra exertion of sex.

 

The cause is almost certainly lifestyle related.

[oldshirt]

an 80 lb overweight alcoholic is not going to be love machine.

 

 

chronic alcohol use is actually a libido killer and is also a major factor for a lot of ED issues.

 

 

Does he also smoke? Nicotine can also have a negative effect on libido and erectile performance.

 

 

He simply does not have a healthy lifestyle and libido is often a barometer of a person's general health.

 

 

You have a basic right to a marital sex life. You are within your right to give him the ultimatum of getting healthy and having an active and satisfying sex life or you hitting the road to find someone who will.

[N2053]

Yeah I would give him an ultimatum pronto. You're still a young woman and luckily neither of you have any kids. I'd give an ultimatum, but offer to go to counseling or whatever it takes. If things don't improve in a year I'd get a divorce, there's no reason why you should have to live this way.

[MJJean]

It's also possible that he is simply more or less asexual. If he doesn't have a natural interest in sex, all the weight loss and therapy and medical intervention in the world won't change that.

 

Talk to him honestly, gloves off, and demand he seek help. If he refuses or if nothing changes, which is fairly common in sexless marriages, you'll have to decide what to do from there.

 

Your options seem to be accept the sexlessness of the relationship in order to stay with him, have an agreement where you are allowed to have your sexual needs met elsewhere, or divorce.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You sound like you both still love each other and more importantly, still like each other. That's more than most couples and worth something even if others are telling you to demand he step up or chuck him to the curb.

 

I'm going to agree with those that said the weight/lifestyle is a HUGE part of the problem. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same insecurities and shame about his body as women do. That's a huge misconception.

 

Rather than sit there and demand that he revamp his whole lifestyle that includes dropping 80 pounds while you wait on the couch with a bag of chips for him to devour you sexually, why not offer doing it together? YOU may not have any weight to lose but that doesn't mean you can't afford to improve your health whether it's adding in some moderate exercise (walking, swimming, hiking, biking) and/or incorporating better and healthier food choices into your meal planning.

 

You will likely have much more success if you approach this as a team effort rather than just point and blame him for how things are in the bedroom. The support and unconditional love you'll give him during this process will go a very long way in helping your relationship including helping HIM and whatever insecurities he may have.

 

There is no doubt that weight and overall lifestyle can and do affect one's libido. Not only physically but emotionally too.

 

 

I'm also certain that childhood trauma, whatever they may have been, could very well compound whatever problems already exist. That's a much more sensitive and serious issue which will require professional help but it's not impossible to overcome. For all you know, his drinking and subsequent weight gain may be a direct result of that trauma that's not being dealt with. I know this kind of unattended pain and how it can negatively impact one's life.

 

 

So the moral of the story is that I think it's too soon to just abandon our marriage, or certainly not just yet. I think there is a lot of hope here but there is also a LOT of work still to be done on BOTH of your parts for your marriage to be everything you want it to be. And that takes time, hard work, patience, understanding and willingness.

 

Good luck to you both.

Edited November 7, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[OldRover]

Yeah I would give him an ultimatum pronto. You're still a young woman and luckily neither of you have any kids. I'd give an ultimatum, but offer to go to counseling or whatever it takes. If things don't improve in a year I'd get a divorce, there's no reason why you should have to live this way.

 

Ultimatums and threats rarely work. A better approach is a positive one, supportive and loving.... and therapy, if needed.

 

When you give and ultimatum, that's usually the last step before divorce. She's clearly not ready for that.

[oldshirt]

Ultimatums and threats rarely work. A better approach is a positive one, supportive and loving.... and therapy, if needed.

 

When you give and ultimatum, that's usually the last step before divorce. She's clearly not ready for that.

 

 

 

The problem is in order for people to change something about themselves, they have to be really motivated to do it for themselves.

 

 

Being supportive and loving and doing therapy together and all of that sounds really good on paper (or in this case bandwidth)

 

 

But the reality is often times people have to be faced with a greater loss before they take it seriously and actually act on it.

 

 

In other words the pain of the loss has to outweigh the pain of the gym and proper diet.

 

 

In sense you are correct, threats and ultimatums rarely work. They won't work if they are simply idle threats and hallow ultimatums that people don't have the intent on following through.

 

 

They have to be real with real world consequences. And even them some people would rather take the divorce.

 

 

For a lot of people, the constant nagging and whining just becomes lost as background noise. There has to be something nuts and bolts that truly shakes things up and brings reality crashing down. You always hope it never gets this far, but for some people it takes their partner becoming involved with someone else, or their partner separating or filing or even going through with a divorce before reality hits home that they are actually serious.

 

 

It would be great if it wouldn't have to come to that, but it often does.

[SoleMate]

There are many possible causes. I recommend reading The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-David for the most thorough and helpful approach to this problem.

 

He only initiated sex when he was drunk, and that was fine because he was drunk a lot, as was I.

How is the alcohol situation doing with both of you atm? It strikes me, sex may be the most visible problem now, but heavy drinking is also a problem in and of itself and may be an effort to self-medicate a whole nother set of issues.

 

Even then, it wasn't as much as I would have liked, but he said it was because we didn't have our own place. So later we got our own place and the sex dropped off even more.

And....he gives you excuses that obviously aren't true. So there are clearly some important facts that you don't know yet.

 

One possibility to consider is that your husband may have a homosexual orientation. It's much more common than is typically realized. Especially if you both live in a community or segment of society where homosexuality is frowned upon or repressed.

 

But, please read the book.....

[OldRover]

The problem is in order for people to change something about themselves, they have to be really motivated to do it for themselves.

 

 

Being supportive and loving and doing therapy together and all of that sounds really good on paper (or in this case bandwidth)

 

 

But the reality is often times people have to be faced with a greater loss before they take it seriously and actually act on it.

 

 

In other words the pain of the loss has to outweigh the pain of the gym and proper diet.

 

 

In sense you are correct, threats and ultimatums rarely work. They won't work if they are simply idle threats and hallow ultimatums that people don't have the intent on following through.

 

 

They have to be real with real world consequences. And even them some people would rather take the divorce.

 

 

For a lot of people, the constant nagging and whining just becomes lost as background noise. There has to be something nuts and bolts that truly shakes things up and brings reality crashing down. You always hope it never gets this far, but for some people it takes their partner becoming involved with someone else, or their partner separating or filing or even going through with a divorce before reality hits home that they are actually serious.

 

 

It would be great if it wouldn't have to come to that, but it often does.

 

Oldshirt,

 

What you say certainly has merit, but the threats, ultimatums, nagging and whining rarely work unless you are absolutely at the end and are ready to pull the plug, especially ultimatums. The problem with them is that if one gives an ultimatum, the other may or may not believe it. If they don't and don't perform, then the consequences should be carried out.

 

First, one needs to be in a position that the other really believes that you will exercise the ultimatum if the offender doesn't solve the problem. And, if you've bluffed a bit before, that hurts the credibility. And if you say divorce, then you have to carry it out and that's a very serious decision....and it may come to that.

 

However, there's a TON of things that can be done first, and often with results. Motivation can come in different forms. A SO will react to good things. Actions speak louder that works, and if they feel that you really care, and do positive things for them, the WILL react. Hopefully for the better. A good start to just read the book 5 Loves Languages and apply them to day to day life. There are several other good things and goals to do.

 

Solving a problem WITH someone else is more successful that them doing it on their own. Suggestions are more effective than demands. "Gets get ourselves healthy" is more productive than "You must loose weight".

 

I'm sure you get the drift.

 

However, in the end, you have to do what you need to have done. If can reach you limit and just say I'm done, and that happens.

 

I went through all of the above with an issue I had for some 20 years, and tried many different solutions. Some worked, but only temporarily. I reached a point when I had enough, walked out the door and divorced. Once I made up my mind, she couldn't have done anything to make me stay. And when I left, I intended it to be permanent. To do that, I had to exhaust ALL possibilities of solutions.

 

I've had other situations, problems were solved without ultimatums... just positive influence. And some were very serious and critical.

 

But, ya gotta try. The OP is certainly far from the stage of an ultimatum.

[Lion Heart]

I think Solemate gave you some excellent points and a resource to match. I also wondered if your H has homosexual tendencies that he's struggling to hide. I hope not for your sake.

 

The drinking IS a huge issue though. WHY is the question that needs answering. Have you asked him why he drinks so much?

 

I had a LTR who sounded very similar to your H. Drank alot! Virtually every day. The same 3 types of alcohol in the same sequence. He also frequently mentioned OM accosting him in his "travelling salesman" role. ALOT of red flags there now! I was around your age when we met, and for me I was quite naive to this whole world.

 

Anyhow we saw the same psychologist (his suggestion!). Not together but in IC. This IC did something that breaks many rules but I am SO grateful she did. After seeing him a few times, when she realized we were together, she was shocked and said "RUN". I'd known this psychologist since childhood (family friend). She didn't give me the reasons but I RAN!

 

There WERE odd behaviours he exhibited in the bedroom WHEN we got that far. Suffice to say they were way away from any OM I'd been with - low libido for one. I was 8y younger and he kept saying all sorts including the age difference. Well past that age now, I know that not quite to be the case.

 

Basically he may give lots of excuses eg we're not in our own home, we're not M (my LTR pressured me to M him saying it would ALL be so much better for him if we were M) etc but you need to press for ANSWERS.

 

I wish you luck

Lion Heart.

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

He doesn't drink anymore, he hasn't in over a year. I don't drink at home, but I will when I'm visiting my brother out of town. Hearing that he could be gay is heartbreaking. That would mean that there is no hope of having the loving, intimate marriage I want with him. If he is gay, I don't know if he'd ever admit it to me. He seems to really love me and care about me and enjoy my company. I am really afraid that I'll have to leave him, it's not what I want at all. I can't imagine being with anyone else.

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

Thank you for all your replies.

[Popsicle]

Try reading Esther Perel. She tries to help those people who have passionless marriages get it back. No idea if it works though, but I'm guessing you definitely need two people trying it to make it work. So you have to get him to realize that this is a serious issue that you need to work on first.

 

And it would help if he had the desire to lose weight himself.

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said that he's lost interest in it. I asked him if it's because he isn't attracted to me and said that he is and that's not it. I asked about early on in our relationship, had he lost interest back then and he said he's just slowly lost interest over time. I asked if he masturbated and he said that he hasn't in a long long time. I just got quiet and he hasn't said a word since. I didn't say so, but I don't feel like he's being completely open about this. It makes me feel angry and hurt inside that he would be fine with just leaving the conversation as is. Leaving the marriage as is. I feel sick to my stomach, like I've already lost him.

[Popsicle]

I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said that he's lost interest in it. I asked him if it's because he isn't attracted to me and said that he is and that's not it. I asked about early on in our relationship, had he lost interest back then and he said he's just slowly lost interest over time. I asked if he masturbated and he said that he hasn't in a long long time. I just got quiet and he hasn't said a word since. I didn't say so, but I don't feel like he's being completely open about this. It makes me feel angry and hurt inside that he would be fine with just leaving the conversation as is. Leaving the marriage as is. I feel sick to my stomach, like I've already lost him.

 

yeah, why would he say that?

[GreenEyed BlackCat]

After a little more talking, he told me he thought I was going to leave him and that's why I was asking about this. So I told him no, I just needed things to get better. I suggested he see a counselor and he agreed. He said he would do whatever he had so so that I never want to leave him. I will try to find ways to make him happier too. I hope things get better. I am still going to read that book that was suggested. I feel better now, I hope I'm not just allowing myself to be fooled. I really will insist he follow through with IC, and maybe we can do MC too. Thanks again for the responses. I love this website.

[SoleMate]

Just so you know, the fact that a man is gay doesn't prevent him from loving a woman or even wanting marriage with a woman. LOTS of gay men marry women, have children, manage to have occasional sex (but usually with the detail that it's only ever quickies only, very infrequent, he isn't stimulated by the sight of his wife etc.), stay married for decades or even until death. The only problem is, a woman can't ever have a truly intimate 1:1 sexually-grounded r/s with a gay man.