Devasted

[BlueManGa]

Our longtime marriage (40+ yrs) is failing. Not even our closest friends and family would ever suspect it. I did not have a clue myself until I got an anonymous text that she was having an affair 2 weeks ago. I confronted her, she admitted it and when asked why replied "I don't want to be married anymore." She continued saying that we have few things in common anymore and that I made her feel that her opinion did not matter, I often cut her off in mid-sentence before she could finish her thoughts in what little conversation we have.

 

I make simple things complicated and generally take her for granted. " She said she had been unhappy for years and had only stayed this long because of the stigma of divorce. She had weighed all the consequences and decided she could just not deal with it anymore and she deserved to be happy whatever the cost. I cannot tell you why she never took a 2x4 to me to get my attention before it got this bad. She says she hinted around but I didn't get it or understand the seriousness of it. I did not consciously do any of these things but that does not matter.

 

I did it and am so remorseful I could never put it in words. She says these are much the same things that caused her to become involved in another adulterous affair in 2007. I forgave her and took all the blame for the first one basically for these same reasons. We worked through that and I thought I was meeting her needs. We used self help from the Internet to deal with it. That was a mistake. I can forgive her and want her back so badly I will do anything but my careless words and actions have hardened her heart against any reconciliation. She agreed to go to counseling but at the first meeting told the counselor it was over.

 

I am crushed. I do not know what to do or where to turn. She says she will commit to going to counseling weekly until the end of January but I honestly think that is just to keep everything from blowing up during the holiday season. I will be lost without her. I just cannot believe she has really thought this thru good and is underestimating the hurt and destructiveness this act will have on our grown children and extended family and friends we have known for decades.

 

Please pray for guidance for me and for God to soften her heart so that reconciliation is possible. If you have any words of comfort or wisdom, I would greatly appreciate.

Edited November 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Hello BlueMan,

I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

I'm afraid I don't have many words of comfort, but I like to think I have plenty of wisdom.

 

It's pretty clear that this marriage is over. I think you are wasting your time on councelling. She has checked out of the marriage and councilling will simply be a waste of time and money.

 

If I were you I would separate all finances and credit cards, line up your ducks, and see a lawyer.

 

A divorce is coming. It is inevitable. It would be wise to batten down the hatches and get prepared for that.

 

Tell all your family and friends what is going on. DO NOT take the blame for her affair! She chose to cheat rather than talk to her husband about the problems and the unhappiness she is having! That is 100% on HER!!! Do not let her put her cheating ways on YOU! Sure maybe you contributed to her unhappiness or whatever. But you did not contribute to her CHOICE to CHEAT!

[kgcolonel]

First off, I am very sorry for what you are going through....

 

Secondly, it would seem that if you haven't already, you would want to establish with the MC and your WW the WHY you are going to MC. Is it to save the M or to help in the separation / divorce?

 

If the reason for attending MC from your WW's perspective is to help with the S / D, that is fine BUT if it is to attempt to save the M, there can be no third party involved in the relationship, no contact etc what so ever. If she resists, you will be setting yourself up for further disappointment hoping that she'll come back as she has already left and is focused on someone else.

 

You did not say what she indicated her feelings were for the AP.....this will also tell you where she is.

 

 

Also, you mentioned that you hoped she would have done something to "get your attention"....but she did back in '07....either things went back to the way they were or she was not continually communicating with you to let you know that things were slipping.

 

Hang in there but do not become desperate as that will make you very unattractive to her and almost seal your fate in this crisis.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am crushed. I do not know what to do or where to turn. She says she will commit to going to counseling weekly until the end of January but I honestly think that is just to keep everything from blowing up during the holiday season. I will be lost without her. I just cannot believe she has really thought this thru good and is underestimating the hurt and destructiveness this act will have on our grown children and extended family and friends we have known for decades.

 

Please pray for guidance for me and for God to soften her heart so that reconciliation is possible. If you have any words of comfort or wisdom, I would greatly appreciate.

 

From experience, going to contradict two things you've said:

 

- those around you won't be surprised. Given the state of your marriage, you may be the only person not to see this coming.

 

- your grown children, family and friends won't be crushed. In fact, deep down inside, they may be more interested in seeing Mom and Dad happy than miserable together.

 

You're going to have to come to terms with your situation. Stop and think, what would get her attention? Neediness and continued self-absorption? Or effort, direction and forward movement?

 

You have some decisions to make...

 

Mr. Lucky